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    Old 11-09-2006, 02:29 PM   #16
    rosequartz
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    well aj I think you're settling......
    he's not giving you what you want or need but you are accepting whatever bone he throws your way, none the less.
    i think you deserve better....

     
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    Old 11-09-2006, 02:33 PM   #17
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    I know, I think i settle too. I guess it makes me feel better. I dont want to breakup with him, because I do love him. I wonder if Ill regret it. or blame myself thinking maybe i should have given it more time. But I do understand there will come a point when I will def realise things arent going anywhere.
    rose- should i talk to him again maybe? what should i say to him? ill try to talk to him tonight and let you know what he says.

     
    Old 11-09-2006, 02:59 PM   #18
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    you mentioned that he is in this relationship strictly on his terms...
    that might definitely be true, and i'm not doubting that, but i can't help but think you're a little upset because the relationship isn't happening on your terms...

    you seem pretty adamant about what you want out of this relationship as well, and maybe even a tad bit inflexible...
    which is absolutely your right btw...
    i think you should be in a relationship where you're getting what you want out of it, and not settle for less then that...
    my point being i don't think it's completely 1 sided where you're the only one suffering and frustrated...

    honestly, a couple of your posts almost make me think you're frantic, and even desperate... which is never a good way to have to feel in a relationship...
    you also seem to have a hard time describing just why you love him...
    maybe you're more in love with the idea of loving him as opposed to actually him...

    anyway... just some things to think about... look at from a different angle...
    hope that might help...
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    Old 11-09-2006, 03:59 PM   #19
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    i had a chat to him. asked him if he was happy. he replied he was very happy, said we had a brillant last week and he is forgetting about the bad stuff thats happened. which is good i guess?
    i explained i didnt appreciate him looking at other girls and he replied he didnt even realise what he was doing. he said sorry and promised itd never happen again.
    at the beginning he was argumentative and i asked him to be a little less selfish. he explained he felt the need to be selfish because he thinks i dont have his best interests at heart andhe needs to protect himself. he is refering to the arguments, harsh words exchanged etc.
    it wasa nice conversation. i think ive taken a good, positive turn. i dont argue with him anymore. im calm, i talk to him nicely and this eventually makes him be civil too. this is an improvement. if we had this conversation before, we would have argued and maybe broken up but we opened up tonight and had a good chat. maybe more of this is what this relationship needs?
    i say im happy to wait to give him a chance, but then comes iinto question, how long? how long is enough? isnt a year long enough?
    am i maybe thinking about this too much? isnt it just ok to go with the flow? i guess it is, but i get brought back down again when i think he isnt in love. or maybe i should stop being selfish- maybe i should be happy with what i have? life isnt perfect?
    i think what im going to do....
    he knows i am in love with him. we have had a rubbish time as of late but things seem to be picking up. im going to try my very best to work at this relationship, to make him happy, to try to make myself happy with him. i wont argue with him anymore (which put considerable strain on the relationship). im not going to criticize him anymore. im going to pay compliments. i genuinely would like to see where this gets us because we have never really had a stable, nice, loving relationship. ive been doing a lot of thinking. im going to try this for now. wish me luck.

    Last edited by apple_juice; 11-09-2006 at 05:28 PM.

     
    Old 11-10-2006, 03:22 AM   #20
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    i sent him a message before i went to sleep last night, saying how i hoped things were going to pick up now, how al i wanted was to be happy with him etc etc it was a lovey dovey message. i felt good as i was going to sleep. but now ive woken up feeling so dull and empty.
    i told him i could wait for him to open up etc etc but this is leaving me unfufilled and frustrated. i cant wait anymore. we've been together on and off for a year and ahalf. surely he must know how he feels? surely he must know if he is in love? even if he is confused, it means he isnt? but he just wont say and gets up uptight and tells me off for pressuring him. but i deserve to know?
    i want to give it time, have good times, to be there for him etc, to give love a chance but i get SO frustrated. what is in this for me? why am i doing this for him? i feel so stupid- i hurt so much for him, i sacrifice so much.
    all i want is for him to be in love....it hurts so much. how can he not be in love? it shocks me.
    im not getting what i want. i should breakup. but i love him so much, and im not strong enough to do it. i want to talk to hm about this,but i find it humiliating.

     
    Old 11-10-2006, 10:19 AM   #21
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    I think you and him have totally different styles: when you're in love, you like to show it with words and gestures, while he seems to be the opposite. He doesn't tell you he loves you, which makes you feel and act very insecure and frustrated. Yes, after a year, he should probably know if he's in love, but people are different. One thing for sure is that you cannot demand it. The more you discuss this with him and keep "pestering" him about his lack of clarity, the more he's likely to withdraw and rebel. I would not discuss anything about your feelings with him for a long time. Definitely don't try to "bring him out of his shell" by acting even more lovey dovey. He already told you this makes him feel pressured. He knows you're doing it so it can be reciprocated. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but in this case, it's not going to help your cause. You have to try to back off and maybe treat him a bit more in a friendly way rather than romantic. It might not come naturally at first, but I believe it would be a good thing. I think he wants to be with you, otherwise he would just break up, but he feels overwhelmed. Don't argue with him and don't talk about your feelings or try to elicit any confessions from him. Don't even say "I love you." Do this for a while, if you can, and see if his behavior changes. YOu said you don't want to leave him right now anyway, so why not just try a different approach. Good luck.

     
    Old 11-10-2006, 02:40 PM   #22
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    I don't think this is the man for you. I know you said there are good things about him, but the bad seem to overweigh everything else. There are plenty of fish in the sea-go find one who can satisfy all your needs and make you feel good about yourself. Cut him loose!

     
    Old 11-11-2006, 04:11 AM   #23
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    I know I shouldnt have, but I brought the issue up yesterday whilst I was with him. Communication is the key, no? I needed to talk to him.
    I told him I wasnt being fulfilled. He was upset. He said he couldnt bear hearing that I am unhappy with him, that Im not being fulfilled. I told him I cant bear being with someone who isnt clear about their feelings after so long, and I felt if it hasnt happend by now, it probably never will, and I dont want to wait and prolong the pain and hurt. I told him, I would cut out the arguments and cut out all of the breakups, if I knew things were going to improve, but I dont want to risk the hurt Ill be going through (because it hurts like hell being in love with someone who isnt in love with you after so long, esp since they have hurt you more than you have hurt them) I explained to him Im scared and insecure. He said he understood. I asked him to be a little more clear about his feelings because I deserved to know how he felt. He explained he is crazy about me, has deep feelings but he is afraid to let the feelings show because of the arguments (pretty bad) and the breakups. its been very up and down. he explained that all of these cause him to withdraw and not enable him to show any feelings. he asked me to recall last year when he found it easy to express his feelings and be romantic. he also told me he still cries every time we have a huge argument or breakup. he told me how he broke down infront of his best friend and his girlfriend and went upstairs to his room, followed by his friend who had the look of sheer disbelief on his face. he told me how two weeks ago when i said maybe we should end it, he was crying to his female bestfriend. this made me realise, yeah, oh my, you are getting hurt? but i wonder, how can he get this hurt, by someone who he isnt in love with? i asked him to tell me he wasnt in love, so i could have things clear in my mind. he explained, no i cant say that because i dont know if it is true or not. how can he not know? wouldnt you know deep inside? he kept asking "wouldnt you prefer if i realized in my own time, and came to you and told you myself?2 i told him, i wasnt asking if he was in love, but to say he wasnt. i told him i just needed to know because this was very confusing for me. i know he isnt in love, but for some reason Id like to hear it from him- dont ask me why. he kept insisting if I gave it time, which apparently he tels me I never have done, and stop the arguments and have a fun, loving relationship, he would be able to make sense of his feelings and let me know. but how long would i have to give it? what if he didnt fall in love? i dont want to hurt for nothing. id love to stop hurting and give it time. this is a mess. surely, despite all the hurt, shouldnt he know? i mean, im sure of my feelings- and trust me- he has caused me more hurt (dont want to go into it now). i love him so much, i dont want to let go yet at the same time i dont want to have to wait- im sick of it.
    lets say I am to give it time. how long? untill what? untill i feel it isnt right? well it doesnt feel right now but i love him.
    im trying to picture things, me giving it time etc (id feel like such a fool- waiting for my man to be in love) and keep wondering what itd be like. perhaps id need to spend less time with him? make my life more independent? not think too much and go with the flow? why do these tihngs seem so difficult to do?it shouldnt be.
    i find it difficult to understand him. i think its because im so sure of my feelings and what i want, despite what has happened- ive dealt with it ok. he hasnt. i keep wondering may be this is a stupid excuse?
    is he right?
    how do you realise youre feelings for someone, how do you realise if youre in love? by giving it time like he suggests, no fallouts, no arguments? surely, wouldnt you know anyway, like i know? this is very frustrating for me.
    i guess i just cant get over it....he isnt in love after so long, after so much, and he wont even say it.

    Last edited by apple_juice; 11-11-2006 at 07:18 AM.

     
    Old 11-11-2006, 07:34 AM   #24
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    AJ comeon......I feel for you, I'm trying to help you, but you're giving me a headache!!!!!! As someone else said, he doesn't seem like the guy for you.....what more can we say to you? You're beating your head against the wall. It's not working. You are settling, you are not going to be satisfied for the scraps he's throwing your way (and you shouldn't be). Please stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole......I don't know what else to say to you.....you're twirling....obcessing.....and you're working yourself up into a frustrated frenzy! I can kinda relate. I had a boyfriend a few years ago who didn't express his feelings. He ended moving in with me and before he did, I asked him if he loved me because I thought......if he's moving into my house with me, he damn-well better tell me he loves me.....right?
    well he did, but it didn't make me happy because I had badgered him into saying it.....he didn't say it on his own, he said it because he knew it was the right answer......well he lived with me for approx 2 yrs and when we broke up he told me he didn't love me anymore......I said....you never DID.....
    it was perfectly clear.....this was a relationship of convenience for him. he had his needs met and he met SOME of mine.....not all, and not the important ones. I think that's where you are now and it's not going to be enough for you, as it wasn't for me. I found out later he was a narrcisssist and it all made perfect sense. Have you considered that possibility?

     
    Old 11-11-2006, 07:37 AM   #25
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    oh, im sorry to hear that rose. thank you for sharing it with me. that is what i dont want to happen with me, which is why im wondering, shall i bother waiting? it should be here already, shouldnt it? i cant bear to wait and hear he was never in love
    its true, all his needs are being met. not mine.
    the thing that is keeping me with him, is that i feel guilty because i have been the cause of the arguments and fallouts. i keep thinking its my fault and he deserves that chance. but despite all the crap, he should still be in love, shouldnt he?
    shall i tell him i need to know how he feels, and give him a few weeks to tel me how he feels? give him a last chance. then act accordingly.
    what im seriously thinking about, is going a break, telling him to think abuot what he feels etc etc and we can have some time apart etc etc and we can meet up and chat.

    Last edited by apple_juice; 11-11-2006 at 07:49 AM.

     
    Old 11-11-2006, 07:54 AM   #26
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    aj - why do you say you're the cause of arguments? I bet it's because he tells you you are.....right? Well I got news for you.....it takes 2 to argue! What are these arguments about? Ya know I've had boyfriends who tell me I've nagged them, and my point of view is that if they did what they were suppossed to do, I wouldn't have to nag them. Whenever you find yourself nagging someone, repeatedly about the same stuff, you know it's just not gonna work.
    I'm sorry, but I think you'd be happier without him.

     
    Old 11-11-2006, 02:04 PM   #27
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    I told him I couldnt continue the way things were. Explained to him what I explained to him yesterday. He said he was too confused, sorry he couldnt help- basically saying all the things he said to me yesterday- in my previous, long post.
    I broke up with him. I asked him to think about his feelings and get back to me, because I need to know. He said ok but dont expect anytihng to change by tomorrow. Been trying to get through to him but he aint picking up. he was angry. Ive done it again, yes, broken up with him. im already starting to regret it. what if i gave him more time? well, i think id just call it off again in two weeks like ive been doing for so long because im just not happy.
    i messaged him saying, "im so sorry if this annoys you, but i am so so hurt and i really need this.im not being difficult, i love you and care for you so deeply. understand that. and understand you cant be THAT confused as to be completly clue-less about your feelings, you must know deep down, you must have some sort of idea to go on, to explain to me because you cant feel nothing.there must be something there.share it with me."
    im waiting for a reply.
    im almost giving up, im not quite there, but a little more of this rubbish and im willing to let go.
    i dont know why im doing this.
    its just so hard.

     
    Old 11-11-2006, 02:57 PM   #28
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    it has been over an hour since i called him last. its been an hour since i sent him the text i included in the previous post. he hasnt replied. and im so angry. im so angry. why have i bothered with him for so long? why?

     
    Old 11-11-2006, 05:56 PM   #29
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    I agree with the poster's that said that he is not the right man for you. I know it is difficult when you feel so deeply in love - I have been there before - and many others before you too. And it is a sad fact that often, we will end up falling in love with those that just 'aren't quite right', for whatever reason. And yes, you feel betrayed, and lonely, and insecure, and confused, and you start to obsess about what when wrong and how and why and who's to blame.

    But these questions can keep circling and lead you nowhere. If he is not giving you what you want at this point, it seems to me that he just has a very different idea to you about what a 'relationship' is and how he expresses his love - if indeed that is what he's feeling. You cannot change these things about him - this is part of his personality, and if you are feeling empty and lost and asking all these questions that you are asking - his personality obviously does not fulfil you in a way that you need.

    I know there are good things about him aswell, and your times together can be great. I've had that with my ex. But he will not change his ways unless you change the situation somehow, and I think that best way to do that - as many have said - is to break up with him.

    Yes it is difficult, but I do not think you will find appreciation or fulfilment or lessen these insecurities if you stay as you are - they will worsen. If you leave him, perhaps he will follow, realising what he has lost. Then your insecurities may be put to rest, and you can go from there - reignite the flame. But if he does not pursue you....well then, you made the right choice - and better sooner than later!

     
    Old 11-12-2006, 02:37 AM   #30
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    thank you tyger.
    i spent all of last night crying myself silly.
    woke up this morning, knowing this is the right thing to do. icannt wait for him. it hurts too much. way too much.
    for the first time, i want to be without him. unless he tells me he is in love, that is it. and its such a scarey feeling how i want to do this. i think i will regret but then i will come to my senses. i cant be with someone who isnt in love. someone who isnt making me happy for so long. yeah we have had arguments an fallouts but it doesnt completly prevent you from falling in love after a year and half, does it? well i dont think so. he has the answers,he just cannot be bothered for my sake to explain properly and put me at ease whatever the feelings may be.
    im slowly coming to accept he cant be....otherwise tihngs would a lot different. if he was in love, he would pursue, he would tell me his love etc etc but its not like that.
    im scared

     
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