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    Old 11-12-2006, 02:54 PM   #31
    apple_juice
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    i feel so sick. he doesnt want to know. he told me he cant say either way if he is in love or not. he says im not his soulmate. he says we cant go out forever. i feel so sick. i dont know if he was just saying these things to hurt me or if they are real.
    i wasnt tihnking clearly and told him id swear i wouldnt break up with him, id give it a few months. he didnt want to know. he told me he wanted out.
    he cant be in love, can he? he wouldnt say those things. yeah ive hurt him, but those things were deep.
    he doesnt want to know. he says the only tihng he wanted from me was time. fair enough, but i dont feel as though i can give it time. he should already be in love. my friends say it takes even longer, but i disagree. what you reckon?
    i love this guy, i dont know how ill cope with the breakup. any suggestions? i feel so sick. i keep bursting out into tears.
    i persuaded him to meet up with me tomorrow, but i dont know what im going to say. i cant persuade him anymore.
    i just want to pass out. hes hurt me so much.

     
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    Old 11-12-2006, 03:01 PM   #32
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    Men do say what they don't mean AJ....there's nothing that would force him to see you tomorrow, has he not been interested.
    Girl, you have wasted your whole weekend worrying about it. I personally don't think it's a real breakup. Be patient, and wait till you see him.

     
    Old 11-12-2006, 03:06 PM   #33
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    it is. ive never heard him so serious. he told me to never call him again. he told me to get some pride and stop crying and let go. he said stop discussing tihngs, if we got back together, how could we face eachother whilst at dinner across the table? he was shouting. he was angry. im so scared, i knowill get over him eventually, but how do i deal with the pain untill then? all my bestfriends have gone away for a year abroad because they are language students. im especially not coping well without my bestfriend. im so broken.
    i love him, but i cant do it anymore. maybe i could win him back tomorrow, but he is right. how can i bring myself to look at him and be happy. this man clearly is not in love. if he was, he would tell me. he wouldnt hurt me like this.

    how can i see him? for the first time, despite having enough practice with breaking up and makiing up, this feels different. how can i look him in the face? how can i love this man? i feel sick.

    Last edited by apple_juice; 11-12-2006 at 03:12 PM.

     
    Old 11-12-2006, 06:29 PM   #34
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    aj as far as my ex- the narccisssist.....I finally came to the conclusion that he was not capable of love. As much as I wanted it from him he just couldn't give it.....for whatever reason....maybe he wasn't loved enough as a child.....whatever the reason, I couldn't fix him, and he wasn't interested in being fixed.....he was quite content being a lone wolf, taking care of himself, depending on no one, etc.
    you can't make someone love you, even if they say the words, you can't demand and force the feeling......this is the best thing for you. It may take a while for you to see that, but you will eventually.....trust me.

     
    Old 11-13-2006, 01:41 AM   #35
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    i havent been able to sleep all night. i cant bear what he told me. i keep hoping he was just mad and didnt mean it.
    last night i called him and asked him if he meant it. he replies yes. then i sent him msssages saying how i was going to cut him out, how i deserve a decent man, how he had a girl who loved him but she was confused and he couldnt be bothere to help etc. then he kept calling me- 6 times before i picked up. he explained he didnt knw what he said that was so bad etc etc i think he was trying to worm his way back in. i told him where to go.
    then this morning, i was really wondering if he meant what he said. we werent to last forever. i wasnt his soulmate. he would be happier being single and with other women. i want him to say he didnt mean it so i dont have to deal with it because i dont deserve it. i loved him and was confused. cant he understand that?
    would counselling help? i dont knw what to do anymore : how do you deal with the pain?

     
    Old 11-13-2006, 04:51 PM   #36
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    Please try to leave him alone for a while, AJ. You're sabotaging yourself by pressing him against the wall and demanding to hear that he's in love with you. It has the opposite effect than you want. Take a few deep breaths, I know it's not easy, but you gotta let the man come to YOU. I can't stress that enough. Oh, and that statement about him not wanting to ever speak to you, phuleeze, don't take it seriously. My ex said that to me also and then he ended up calling me himself numerous times until he reached me; I didn't even have his number anymore. I don't know how old he is but he seems scared of declaring himself. Apparently, admitting feelings is scary to many men (and some women) because they're afraid you'll automatically assume "ownership" over them. The best thing to do with this guy is to let him make most of the contact, and be even a little bit reserved with him. If you do make contact with him first, be friendly and not lovey-dovey in the least. Lashing out on him won't take you anywhere, either. He feels cornered right now. You have to give him some room to breathe. Don't call him for a few days at least for now. I think if he wanted to completely cut you off, he would not even be speaking to you right now. I think he's just VERY scared. You have to be in control of yourself here and don't act on your emotions. I did that many times and I know for sure it was the worst thing I could have done.

     
    Old 11-18-2006, 12:57 PM   #37
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    Hi sophia
    Thanks for your reply.
    Well that evening, I messaged him saying I didnt want to meet him etc etc and we messaged for a while. I got mad and started sending him messages like "i deserve better than you, youre so intentionally and un-necessarily hurtful, you make me cry all the time etc etc i will find a man who is more giving and will appreciate me more etc etc etc
    He started calling me non-stop after I sent those messages. The phone kept ringing and ringing. Eventually I picked up, and he kept asking why I didnt want to meet up and how he knows I wont find anyone better than him, that Im too crazy for him etc and I acted so cold and confident I was starting to scare him. He came and picked me up the next morning. We had a long, long, long chat. Ive finally realized, this guy MAY be wrong for me. He MAY be right- MAYBE i need to give him the time, the opportunity. Until I have done that, I do not think I can let go because I think it will keep playing on my mind- was this the real problem? did i need to do is give it time?
    I am giving us one more try. I have backed off and things seem to be going very well. My birthday is coming up next week and he is talking about surprises.
    If this doesnt work out, then at least I will have no regrets and know where the problem stands. If it works out, then great, I get to keep the man of my dreams- well lets see if he is the man of my dreams.
    Wish me luck.
    I will keep you posted.

     
    Old 11-18-2006, 01:07 PM   #38
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    oh and by the way, I'd like to ask something.
    This time last year was the best time spent with my boyfriend. A lot has happened since then and, in all honesty, I dream about getting back to where we were last year this time but how? Things were perfect, we were so happy etc How can I spice things up? Ive got a few good ideas. What about yours?

     
    Old 11-18-2006, 10:30 PM   #39
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    Okay, where to start? Apple, I started reading this thread cause some of the things you say was how I was with my boyfriend at the start. Now I don't know you, nor your boyfriend, but there is certainly one thing that I am picking up on. Whether you really love him or not, I feel that the only person sabotaging this relationship is YOU. I also feel that you are the one being more than a little bit selfish. Not all people are the same. Not all people can express themselves well. He may be the type that shows you, rather than tells you that he loves you. And from some of the things you say about him (the good things) he is trying his best to do that. But that's not good enough for you. You want what you want (to hear him say it) and will not be happy otherwise. I would be highly hesitant to tell someone I loved them if they emotionally blackmailed me into doing it, and then broke up with me everytime they didn't get their own way... which to me is exactly what you are doing. You want a serious adult relationship, but you are not doing anything to contribute to that yourself. If you were to be in a serious relationhip with him, how are you going to handle the REALLY tough stuff that life throws your way? Will you continue to beat him down and hurt him every time he does not comply to the way you want things? Look there may be stuff I don't know about.... but I am trying to get you to see the destructive role that you yourself are playing. I'm not saying it's all your fault, cause there is always blame on both sides... but what I am saying is that if you don't change your own ways, he will get tired of being manipulated and leave anyway, whether he loved you or not. Honestly, from your own behaviour with him, it's really not showing alot of love for him or respect for his feelings either. YOU might be able to verbalise it, but I doubt from your actions he'd be believing or feeling it.

    You can either accept that he is not ready to verbalise his feelings and enjoy him showing you in other ways (and I have no doubt at all that he has very strong feelings for you... otherwise he would not keep going through all of this with you) until he feels confident enough to tell you, or you can cut your losses and run cause you feel he is not worth it. Have you ever considered that maybe he wants to tell you in his own time cause he thinks if he says it when YOU want him too you might not even believe him and it will open up a whole new can of worms? Regardless, from the things I have read, this guy is not being overly selfish and really hasn't done anything wrong. If it bothers you so much that he can't tell you right now (and that is entirely your decision - nothing wrong with that), then you guys are just on different wavelengths and maybe it's better to just end it as friends. The best piece of advice I have ever been given... is that just cause your partner doesn't want the exact same things as you when you want them, doesn't make them a bad person, and doesn't make them wrong. It just means someones gotta compromise if you really love them and want it to work. Understand that he is a seperate person from you, with different thoughts, feelings, views... and they may not always be in line with your own. That's every relationship for you.

    I too have been to hell and back with my boyfriend of 8 years. I persisted when some might have ran. I was patient when I had to be. I learned to compromise. I sacrificed when I had to, and asked him to when I needed to. It didn't always go my way. It didn't always go his either. I learned to trust he loved me, even when we were fighting and sometimes say hurtful things. I learned that sometimes things don't always go to plan, and I can't sit around sulking if it didn't. Just be thankful for what I DID have, not what I didn't have. And I also learned that you can't force things. They either come naturally, or not at all.

    And yesterday, my boyfriend asked me to marry him. Yes I would have liked it years ago. But our efforts in our relationship have paid off. It doesn't mean we will live happily every after. There will still be good times and bad to get through. There will be arguments, hurtful moments etc. But if you learn to deal with them in the right way, you save yourself a whole lot of hurt and set yourself up for the best possible chance.

    My advice... well only you know what you will and won't put up with. But you can't change him, and you can't force him... and you are only pushing him away by trying to make him. Decide if you love him enough to stick with him and wait for him to be ready to say it (whilst in the meantime having fun and enjoying the way he SHOWS you how much you mean to him). If you decide that you do want to stay with him, let go of all the doubts and insecurities and enjoy being in a loving relationship. Show him what a lucky guy he really is... be happy. And the rest will come naturally over time. But who would you rather be with... a whinging nagging girlfriend who is trying to force you into something.... or a happy, fun loving and caring girlfriend?

    In the big scheme of life, these are petty little arguments. Treat him only how you would like to be treated yourself, then you will never beat yourself up or have any regrets. If you feel you can not do any of that, save yourselves both the heartache (cause yes it hurts him too), and leave it be.

    Best of luck to you. Please don't think I am coming down on you, you do seem to love him very much.... but your behaviour is only causing YOU more grief than is necessary. And no, you don't deserve that.

    Give yourself some time to calm down, and then ask yourself what it is YOU really want, and what is more important to YOU?
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    Old 11-19-2006, 11:52 AM   #40
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    wow congratulations stormgirl. did you say yes?

    thanks for your input.

    he has hurt me so much in the past, it is difficult to put it into words.
    dont get me wrong, i didnt try to manipulate him into saying he loved me (which he is very clear- he cant say he is), i just wanted to know the truth because he was so confused and couldnt tell me. i just wanted to know- isnt it my right in a relationship to know how the other person feels? he never tells me. never really shows it. it came as a shock that he told me he couldnt say he was in love and couldnt say he wasnt. his actions are of no use. not anymore. remember, a few weeks ago, he kept it from me that he was going on holiday with his friends to france when i asked him a month ago to go to france with me. well he picked his friends.
    i turned to him today for emotional support (which he never seems able to give). he started saying it was all my fault.
    believe me, i try my very best with this guy. i try to be patient, i always try to make him feel good etc etc but i dont get anything in return apart from a good time. i have been with this man for a year and a half- i just want emotional support, security, i want to feel loved, i want to feel as tho there is more to us than a good time.
    he had a huge go at me. he said it was my fault. he blames me for not giving things time. i am....arent i? i just turned to him for support. he gives me noting.
    i guess itll be me who calls him tonight (he never calls after an argument) and ill apologize again for making him feel bad because i feel bad and insecure and turned to him for support.
    he cant give me love because he doesnt feel it.
    it hurts me BIGTIME.
    i am willing to wait, but no without having anything...i seem to have nothing but a good, jolly time with him.
    i try to look at the positives, but i just get brought down.
    hes spending a lot of money on my birthday, going out etc but its starting to mean nothing without love. what is the point without love? there are positives but it is brought down by the fact he doesnt love me.
    sometimes i wish i could peel myself away from him.

    i am waiting, i am willing to wait.
    it just hurts bigtime that he cant say he loves me after so long, after me telling him i loved him. it hurts he is planning to go away with his friends despite me asking him a month ago.he told me he hated france.well now he is excited about going with his friends. it hurts. it eats away at me.

     
    Old 11-20-2006, 01:50 AM   #41
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    Hi Apple!

    Yes of course I accepted and said yes, thank you!!! He's been my man for a very long time and I adore him...

    I know where you're coming from. Actually I've been there myself. Circumstances were a little different, but same sort of theory. Now I'm not sure how old you guys are... and it certainly does make a difference I think cause it depends where you are in your life stages. I am making the assumption that you guys are youngish.

    Now the first question I want to ask you is this... are you sure you are not missing the signs that he loves you (just cause you are so frantic for him to actually SAY it)? He's been with you for one and a half years, and from what you say you guys have been through some tough times. He's stuck it out hasn't he? What does that tell you? If he IS a younger guy, he certainly wouldn't go through the grief that you guys have gone through if he didn't have strong feelings for you. And from the few positive things you have mentioned, he seems to want you to be happy and tries to make you so.

    Okay, the holiday is a bit of a bummer. True he should probably share it with you, or even invite you along with his friends if possible. But you know, sometimes people do things not with the intention of hurting, but just cause they are young and carefree and cause they can... If he is a young guy, he may not necessarily want to be tied down to young, and still enjoy his youth with the boys. Nothing wrong with that, it doesn't make him a bad person... it just means he has different priorities RIGHT NOW than you do.

    Also, if he IS a young guy, perhaps he just hasn't figured out what a real adult relationship involves. For example, he may not know how to support you emotionally and may feel that you are blaming him or backing him into a corner (just theoretical). Sometimes it does take time for a relationship to settle in and for you to work through things to ensure both partners get what they are needing.

    If you would like to stay with him and try to sort things out (which can sometimes work and sometimes not), you might want to think about the way you go about trying to get from him what you need. Fighting and breaking up with him is not effective. Actually you are pushing him away more than anything. If you want it to be a serious adult relationship you have to learn to communicate with him in a way that does not blame and threaten him, or demand that he gives you what you want. Cause really, he hasn't done anything wrong. And when you attack, he will get defensive and a fight with no resolution will proceed. Talk to him in a calm, rational way with solutions to help resolve things. Don't blame, just compromise. And when the conversation is done... leave it there. Don't keep harping on. Even if something doesn't happen in the time frame you want it to. It won't speed things up, actually will probably just delay them further.

    I hope you see what I mean. This guy sounds like he is a young guy trying to find a balance between his own freedom and a girl that he cares deeply about. Sometimes it take a while for a partner to grow up and realise what a relationship is all about... it doesn't come naturally to everyone. If you set a good example of what a good relationship should be, he may be more inclined to follow.... you see?

    If he is really worth it to you, you will enjoy what he can offer you now and see how things progress... if you can't, then you must accept that he doesn't give you what you need right now (and remember it's neither parties fault just cause you have different priorities) and maybe he never will. Either way, he has asked for time to express how he feels. Your only decision is whether you feel you can give him this without pushing further, or you can't. Other than that, it's really out of your hands. So stressing yourself out is so very pointless, and only hurting yourself further. Relax girl.... this is what life is all about and in the end, whether this turns out the way you want or not, you will be fine... and it will be YOUR decisions, not those made by others, that will enable that to happen.

    You don't always have to be the giver, don't get me wrong. You don't have to give in just to keep the peace. But there are just better ways to get your point across, without hurting, fighting and breaking up.

    Also, most of us who are in a relationship have gone through tough times. You mention you have too, not sure what exactly it was, but this is my thoughts. Don't resent and hold a grudge or think that he owes you something cause you have been hurt. If you have stayed with him, it means you should have forgiven him and therefore, the slate should be wiped clean. Don't make him pay for something that is in the past that can't be changed. As long as avoids the type of things that hurt you in the first place (eg cheating or something like that) then it's time to move on from past hurts. If he doesn't and continues to hurt you, then that's when you know it's time for you to move onto someone who deserves you more.

    But don't write off the small things he does... they may seem insignificant, but will tell you what you need to know without hearing it.

    Apple, I feel for you, truly I do. But him saying he loves you will not change the direction of your life. Only the decisions you make and the way you handle situations for yourself will do that.

    Anyway, I hope I've made sense... Don't settle, cause you appear to have alot of love to give some lucky guy. But be realistic. Not everyone loves in the same way, and can't be expected too.

    Best wishes to you... If you need any support just yell. In the meantime go and treat yourself to something you will enjoy on your own... goodness knows you sound so wound up that you deserve to have a break and have some relaxing fun!!!

    PS. You asked if it was your right to know how your partner feels... yes of course it is!!! But he has said he can't verbalise it right now... and no matter what you do you can't change that... so that's why you must decide if that's something you can live with/wait for or not. Remember though that he can't tell you he doesn't love you either...
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    Old 11-20-2006, 11:12 AM   #42
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    thanks stormgirl.....your posts are so helpful
    congrats on your engagement- so happy!


    I use to think he was in love with me. I looked at his actions and thought- of course he does, like my bestmate and my mum use to say- he is in love, of course, otherwise he wouldnt have come this far. but shock, reality has kicked in- he cant say he is. it hurts BIGTIME.

    All this is making me weaker. I use to be strong and despite the hurt he caused me, I kept strong and thought Ill work things out with him. But im not thinking like that anymore. Ive let go i guess because Im not getting what i want and when progress isnt being made....i guess its natural to slowly start to give up- im not bothered about things as much as i use to be.

    hes hurt me so much in so many ways. he can be so uncaring and cruel. i dont want to be hurt again the way i have been.....im scared of that.

    he started crying on the phone today- about the argument lastnight and about a message i posted on a website showing a picture of my bestmate and his girlfriend on holiday. i posted "i cant wait to have that in my life one day" and my boyfriend got annoyed and hurt saying why did you pot that ont he website for everyone to see? i replied, well its true, i cant wait to be in love and hvae that love returned and to travel the world with the man who i love and who loves me. he broke down saying how he is trying, and that i need to work with him to build, and he finds things difficult.

     
    Old 11-20-2006, 03:47 PM   #43
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    wow...
    if you guys are actually still together, i have to agree with HIM and say that's a pretty terrible thing to do...
    kind of puts your business out there for everyone to see...
    your way of saying to everyone you think your bf sucks...
    not too nice...

    i understand your concerns and that you're hurting, but it sounds like you're doing just as much of the hurting yourself...
    you need to take responsibility for the things YOU'RE contributing to the relationship (and i'm not just talking about the "good" things)...
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    Old 11-20-2006, 05:17 PM   #44
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    yeah...thats kind of like slapping up a big sign on your website that says "My boyfriend isn't good enough".

    Imagine how that would feel if he posted that on HIS website.

    I agree with the others. I think there is some kind of underlying insecurity you have here (which is OK- as we all do), and you feel better when you can break your boyfriend down and push him to be something he's not...because in that way, its not you that is the problem.

    But I think that your boyfriend just may not be the type of person to be able to be as expressive as you would want, or tell you he loves you all the time, etc. By the fact that hes still sticking around after the numerous times that youve hinted that he isnt doing what you want...well, that should say something right there.

    Do you ever compliment him for things that he DOES do that you like? Otherwise, the reason why you may be feeling unhappy is because (for lack of better expression) you started making a 'mountain of a molehill' (hahahah) from the beginning, and this guy just feels like he can't win. I may be completely off here, I havent read your entire thread...but thats just what it seems to me, or at least a possibility to consider.

    I used to be in a relationship with a guy who broke me down b/c I was never his top priority (nor 2, 3, or 4 for that matter) but he was always mine. As a result, I tended to be needier than I wanted to be because he just wasnt giving me the reassurance that we loved each other the same. Turns out, I was right, hahaha but thats another story. I had felt insecure somewhat halfway through our relationship for a lot of reasons having to do with him, but the more I made a big deal about it, the more frustrated he felt...and when you feel frustrated and like you're never enough, you stop wanting to try, you know?

    (Not that Im defending him). But my point is, we just werent right for each other. We truly didnt love each other the same. I loved him more, I lived differently and with different priorities than him. I need my boyfriend to be expressive, and to be able to talk about how he feels, etc. If you are the same, and you feel you arent getting what you want (which is what it seems to me), then perhaps rather than trying to force it out of him, which will only backfire imo, then maybe its time to reexamine this and be alone for awhile. Hes right- he seems as though he is trying to build and work toward what you want...but its not all about you. It takes two. I dont know how hes been hurtful as you have mentioned he has been, and I dont want to sound like Im taking sides. But that is just what I see from your description of your problem.
    Hope this helps.

    *btw- your posts seem eerily similar to someone that used these boards under a different name a while back. I wont ask...but if you are the same person, it might be helpful for you to go back under your old posts under that name and read the advice you were given, and especially the advice you gave others. ESPECIALLY if this is the same guy that you were breaking up with back then. I find that sometime a little self-reflection can give us the answer we need and allow us not to make the same mistakes again. And if you have no idea what Im talking about, sorry about that!

    Last edited by lady346; 11-20-2006 at 05:35 PM.

     
    Old 11-21-2006, 07:05 AM   #45
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    Thank You all for reading and posting.

    City- I have only been on these boards for a few weeks. Perhaps if you gave me the name, I can have a look at what this person has posted in order to gain further insight which may help me with my current situation?

    To be honest, there is nothing to help with me on my current stiation other than to have a good moan every now and then.
    I know if anything is to happen, id have to give it time. i want things to settle down first. only problem is that im quite insecure, youre right. but i dont want to breakup with him, because as i said, maybe this is what i need to do one last final time in order to make things work. if ibreak up now, ill keep thinking about what may have happened if id have given it time.

    Yes, i know it wasn't the nicest thing to write on a website, but its the truth. i removed it but i wont take back what i wrote- after all, why should i? he cant say he is in love. he picked his friends to go on holiday with, not me. obviously, im not getting what i want and therefore i cant wait untill i have that special person in my life.

    he is trying to put the effort in- i can see it. especially after the tears last night- showed me he is hurting/feeling too, which before, i had no idea about because he doesnt like talking about his feelings.

    i want to give it time and build with him, as he keeps asking, but i get insecure. im very needy- like you said, citygirl, its probably because im not getting what i want. and i hate it.

    i guess, all i can do, is just give it time?

    my feelings are so strong when im sure- i dont want to lose him. i understand ive got to work with him. i will give him another chance- only because i love him.

    he asks for time, to build with him. he knowsi am in love with him. i dont think he is the sort of guy to lead me on. but how can he be so sure things will work out? he makes it out as if he is so sure.

    this was a very pointless venting session. thank you all for reading

     
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