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    Old 11-21-2006, 11:46 AM   #46
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    Hi AJ

    You definitely need to give it time...for the words to be said
    The thing is you sound a little bit impulsive, and 'waiting' for it to happen might get you even more tense...because you will be waiting for a certain time that you never know when or if it is going to happen.
    It may be better to accept that he cares for you in his own special way and you should just try and appreciate that. Try and see the positive things that he is trying to do, and the positive things in you that you can offer him. You need to make him feel secure enough to go further in this relationship without worrying about how to please you 24/7. good luck, hope things work out.

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    Old 11-21-2006, 03:32 PM   #47
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    Originally Posted by apple_juice
    ...To be honest, there is nothing to help with me on my current stiation other than to have a good moan every now and then.
    I know if anything is to happen, id have to give it time. i want things to settle down first. only problem is that im quite insecure, youre right. but i dont want to breakup with him, because as i said, maybe this is what i need to do one last final time in order to make things work. if ibreak up now, ill keep thinking about what may have happened if id have given it time....
    actually... i think taking the "there's nothing i can do but wait and see" attitude isn't going to be very productive for you either...
    it sounds like you don't really accept him for who he is...
    (which may even be the right way to view it for you if you're not getting what you need)
    and it has been my experience that to be in a healthy relationship, you NEED to accept your partner for who they are... right now...
    it's ok for you both to want things for the future and to both want to work positively and constructively for healthy changes, but i don't see how any of that happens unless you both accept one another for you both are right NOW!...
    and it clearly sounds like you don't accept him for who he is right now...
    and your comment that there's nothing you can do about it right now seems a little fatalistic...
    don't be a victim...
    be proactive...
    hopefully in a way that is constructive and beneficial to the relationship...

    you also mention that you don't want to break up with him...
    but didn't you say that breaking up with him is one of the things you do pretty often?
    if you're just doing it to get his attention, anger him, hurt him, etc, i can tell you that one of these times it's going to blow up in your face...
    meaning... if you're breaking up with him just to make him grovel or proclaim to you that he does NOT want to break up, etc., one of these times when you threaten him this way and back him into a corner, he might just decide he's had enough and LET you break up with him... not ask you to stay... not try to get you back... and even insist that it is over even if you try and "take it back"...
    so i'd be real careful with that tactic if that is indeed what you're doing...

    Originally Posted by apple_juice
    ...Yes, i know it wasn't the nicest thing to write on a website, but its the truth. i removed it but i wont take back what i wrote- after all, why should i? he cant say he is in love. he picked his friends to go on holiday with, not me. obviously, im not getting what i want and therefore i cant wait untill i have that special person in my life...
    if it's the truth, and that really is your opinion, it definitely sounds like you've made up your mind that you're not in the right relationship...
    i'm not suggesting that what you wrote or said isn't true... by any means... but what really is the purpose of putting that out there for the public to see...
    if i were him, i would see it as a massive betrayal of our privacy and would probably interpret it as your way of trying to hurt him for not being the way you want him to be... which is a VERY ineffective way of communicating your discontent and probably won't produce the results you want, if any...

    Originally Posted by apple_juice
    ...he is trying to put the effort in- i can see it. especially after the tears last night- showed me he is hurting/feeling too, which before, i had no idea about because he doesnt like talking about his feelings.

    i want to give it time and build with him, as he keeps asking, but i get insecure. im very needy- like you said, citygirl, its probably because im not getting what i want. and i hate it.

    i guess, all i can do, is just give it time?
    so what are YOU doing to try and make things better...
    maybe work on learning how to effectively communicate your feelings to him without putting him on the defensive or sending him reeling thinking that you're being impatient or hurtful?
    that might be totally wrong and maybe there's another approach that works much better...
    point being, you kind of make it sound like all you can do is sit back, coast, and wait and see what happens...
    i think you should be as proactive as you expect him to be...

    Originally Posted by apple_juice feelings are so strong when im sure- i dont want to lose him. i understand ive got to work with him. i will give him another chance- only because i love him.

    he asks for time, to build with him. he knowsi am in love with him. i dont think he is the sort of guy to lead me on. but how can he be so sure things will work out? he makes it out as if he is so sure.

    this was a very pointless venting session. thank you all for reading
    don't you WANT him to be sure things are going to work out?
    and if not... what's the point of dragging this out?...
    i'm sure you wouldn't think it's logical if either of you or both of you DIDN'T think this was going to work out...
    this "venting session" is only pointless if you decide to learn nothing from it...
    that's entirely up to you...

    best of luck
    rust never sleeps...

    Old 11-21-2006, 07:49 PM   #48
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    The name I was referring to is charlatans. Maybe if you do a search you can read the old threads. If I recall, she too went through a breakup about 10 mos. ago with someone she was on and off with......

    As for your current situation, again I hold true to the idea that this person isn't for you if you arent getting what you need. It seems to be somewhat of a codependent relationship, and i dont mean this offensively, but I am just being honest. I dont know, I kind of see it like this: you need him because you want him to be what you want so badly (and you won't rest til you get that from him), and he needs you because he feels he isnt being a good-enough boyfriend and so he keeps trying to redeem himself.

    I know you say you love him, and I am not going to argue with those words because only you can truly know how you feel. However, part of me just wonders that, if you cant accept him for being less than you want, and you post hurtful things about him on websites, and your insecurities keep getting in the way, as you say...I dont know. When I think of love i think of compromise, selflessness, accepting the good and the bad even when its hard, etc. May I ask how old you are? Also- how many times have you broken up with him in the past?

    Heres what I think. I know its been said already. If you arent getting what you want now, why wait and allow your insecurities to grow if you STILL arent getting what you want after time? To me that just spells out a potential disaster. If youve broken up with him multiple times before, maybe that can tell you something too.

    I know you say that you will always wonder what would have happened if you end things now. But what may happen in your favor if you end things with the wrong guy now, and then have more time to heal, learn and grow, and potentially find a more compatible boyfriend?

    Last edited by lady346; 11-21-2006 at 08:01 PM.

    Old 11-22-2006, 05:05 AM   #49
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    Thank you for your replies. Give me a lot to think about it.

    Sometimes, as i mentioned before, I cant believe how he can not be in love after everything we have been through etc etc
    He is coming to see me today and is coming out to a party tonight with me. He is going to a dinner party tomorrow night- where was my invite?
    Somtimes i think he must love me, othertimes, no!
    Yesterday he spent hours and hours trying to decide between two birthday presents to get me for my birthday.He is spending a lot of time and effort and money into my birthday. I should be excited andlooking forward to it. I am. But i woke up after having a nightmare haha it was so silly. I dreamt he was going to south america with his friends, without me, despite it being my life long dream. I guess this is refering to the holiday he is going on with his friends instead of me. I dont have a problem with him going with his friends. its just a bit hurtful he said no to me when i asked him to go on the same holiday with me, practically begging him to. oh well.

    How can I accept being in a relationship when he cant say he is in love? I dont tihnk it is ok. Anyone disagree?

    I guess what my real problem here is judgement- if things arent how i want them to be (for us to be in love, which is what the situation should be in a longterm relationship), will it change if i do what he asks and be patient and give it time? Is it likely? I know no one has a crystal ball and no one can tell the future, but from experience? I know you shouldnt be in a relationship waiting for tihngs to change. Ive told him this. But all he replies is that he needs time and space. Frustrating for me- because i love him, want him, and i accept him for who he is- the only thing i want is LOVE. im not asking for much in a relationship, am i? I thought I had his love. but i dont. this is what is upsetting me and confusing me.
    However, despite the confusion, im going to be putting it to one side....
    I have promised myself ill be calm with him, i wont be arguing or demanding, ill be careful of what i post on websites etc etc im going to make things nice and smooth (if anyone is the fiery, argumentative one, its him- how may times i have to calm him down, ignore him when he is shouting after which he regrets. he has problems- heis stubborn and never likes to admit he is wrong). I will do all this. Lets see what happens. Ill cut out all the funny business.
    I guess after sometime, if things still arent good, if he still hasnt said those words, then i will have to finish. we both deserve to be with people we love.

    Old 11-22-2006, 05:06 AM   #50
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    808lion- other than what i have suggested above, is there anything else i can try to do myself to make the relationship work?

    Old 11-22-2006, 04:30 PM   #51
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    Re: breakup? what to do?

    Here is an "update" for you people.
    Tonight, had an amazing time with my boyfriend at my friends birthday party. He was very affectionate. Things felt really good between us. Was like the good old times. Im positive and looking forward now
    He has been talking about my birthday, he has realy gone to so much effort. He mentioned meeting his family and going for a meal and mentioned he would like to me attend a family wedding in the not so far future. He was even talking about our situations in two years time- ill be doing my masters and he may travel further to study but we'd have to cope not seeing eachother as much- he is looking ahead. All good signs.

    May be im being greedy but he is going to a few parties over the next week and said he would only go if his mates went. shame he couldnt say, ill go if you come with me. hmmm. anyway, i wont dwell on that because tonight was good and i have things to look forward to right?
    Ill try my best to put the bad behind us. I know its selfish but i wish he wasnt going on that holiday with his friends. but i love him enough to want him to have fun, so if he wants to go andenjoy himself, ill want him to do just that. him having fun would put a smile on my face.

    argh sorry! stop moaning! ill stop! things are looking up.

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