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apple_juice 11-09-2006 01:00 PM

breakup? what to do?
Known him for a year and a half. Been with him for a year.
Im in love. He cant say he is because he has closed up due to insecurities, arguments etc. The relationship, it seems to be, is very one sided- on his terms. He will open up when he feels comfortable. He says he cannot help me with insecurities. He says he wants to be with me and have a relationship. Apart from that, I dont know much else.
Im in love. He isnt. If it hasnt happened yet, it doesnt look likely to happen in future. His suggestion- give it time. Let things settle.
But there isnt a lot keeping me to him apart from my feelings. He isnt romantic. I dont feel amazing when I am around him.
This relationship all on his terms. He cannot tell me he doesnt love me. And at the same time, he cant say he loves me. His is confused. How confused can you be??? I dont know what to do about this. I cant wait and see how things go. This is crushing me.
I begged him to go on holiday with me, skiing in France. He replied he didnt want to because he hated skiing. I found out a week ago that he is going with friends- he didnt want to go but then again he didnt want to miss out. I felt so hurt- how cuold he go with his friends and not me? oops i forgot. he isnt in love with me. otherwise of course he would want to go with me, right?
Last year was an amazing part to our relationship before the arguments started which caused us to breakup for a while. He spent SO MUCH time with me, hardly saw his friends and family- basically we were insperable. He says he cant do that anymore because he sacrificed so much and it all ended in tears. He says he is afraid. it feels like whenever its ok for him to meet up, he wants to meet up. but if i want to meet, whenever i suggest somtehing, it never happens because he is usually doing something. fair enough. but all the time? we meet up when he wants to and is free.
i dont know....all i want is to be loved. and i dont feel it. sometimes its great with him, but every now and then (quite often) im pulled back down.
Tonight I left early and felt so bad I onyl saw him for a few hours. My heartached. I wanted to be with him tonight. He wanted to as well, he invited me out but I had to go back early. But I joked about this and he said "pull yourself together, im seeing you tomorrow!" I said to him, I cant meet you during the day as planned because I have an essay to do but can we do tomorrow evening? he looked down and paused. i felt as though he didnt really want to because like every weekend he goes home. ten he said, yeah ok after giving it much thought. i ahve a problem with this because id want him to spend time with me after doing my essay to celebrate all the hard work ive been doing. but he didnt appear that enthusiastic about it.
in addition, i caught him looking at two girls today.
he sounds quite selfish, doesnt he? well he can be. remember, im only listing the really bad things. theree are good things, but these bad things sometimes cloud my judgement.
this relationship is hurting me.

im no longer have a good feeling like this.
he isnt fulfilling my needs and wants.
i dont know what to do :(
i dont want to breakup but even now my mum thinks i have to wean myself off him :( this is so sad.

rosequartz 11-09-2006 01:07 PM

Re: breakup? what to do?
applejuice - keep thinking of the bad things, how selfish and non-committal he is......eventually your good feelings for him will lessen and be replaced with disgust and then it will be easier to end it. He doesn't make you happy now, and I doubt if he will in the future. Cut your losses and don't waste any more time with him. The time you're wasting with him could be spend on pursuing other relationships where you will actually get your needs met.
Have you considered the possibility that he may be a narrcississt ?

apple_juice 11-09-2006 01:09 PM

Re: breakup? what to do?
I am crying, and it takes a lot for me to cry!!!!
My love for him is so deep, but the relationship has been like this for so long.
I want to make it better. but I feel as though I am fighting something ill never be able to win.
any other opinions?

rosequartz 11-09-2006 01:10 PM

Re: breakup? what to do?
aj - you say you love him....can you elaborate a little?
what exactly do you love about him?

apple_juice 11-09-2006 01:12 PM

Re: breakup? what to do?
rose- this is such a difficult question. Because the only thing keeping me to him are my feelings, that I am in love. But I dont know why I should be in love- its very strange. I think he is the most beautiful person I've seen................I guess I love the person he was last year, which was a very long time ago, but i keep hoping we'll get that back.....
i mean, he is very nice to me, dont get me wrong. he will do sweet things like call me if Im getting on a train and will say bye even tho he is on the platform standing only 5 metres away from me. he tells me how beautiful i am. but im not getting what i want- and i cant wait, i want it now. am i being selfish?

I feel as though I have to talk to him tonight. I dont want to say though. I want this feeling to go away :(

rosequartz 11-09-2006 01:17 PM

Re: breakup? what to do?
well you're being kinda vague and still haven't answered my question....:dizzy:
does that mean you don't really know what it is that you love about him?
specifically? define it......what is your definition of love?
just because he looks good? all you could say that he is the most beautiful person that you've seen....are you sure it's not infatuation?

apple_juice 11-09-2006 01:20 PM

Re: breakup? what to do?
No, I am in love.
He is so funny, he is so sweet, he is very caring of others, its the feeling he use to give and can still give me but its that often. we have amazing times- which ive never had with anyone else. the fun we have when we go out. i think he is amazing.
it is love. i know it.
But it hurts so much and i get withdrawn when I think about the things he does for me- which isnt a lot recently. I can be so put off by his selfishness tho. It makes me not want to love him.
he buys me flowers, we go out and have fun...he calls me all the time etc its not like he is that bad. why am i feeling like this? i want something deeper now. im scared we have reached a plateau.

all i want to do is to tell him how much i love him :( i feel like exploding, i want to tell him and touch him and stroke him. but im scared. im embarrassed to.

apple_juice 11-09-2006 01:33 PM

Re: breakup? what to do?
I am very confused. I dont know if I am being selfish or not.
He is always planning what we are going to do next etc etc
I dont know why im feeling like this?
Yeah I take note of what people here say, like how i should see love in is behaviour. But Id like him to say it.
I cant bear being with someone who isnt in love with me. Doesnt he know if he is or not?? Would it be stupid to talk to him about this? Becaue I dont tihnk I acn wait till he decides to say it one day. It gets me too insecure.

can someone answer me this?
how can he be so confused? surely you would know? why cant he tell me?

im desperate for things to work out. but i need something to go on, you get what i mean?
id wait a long time if i knew he was going to be in love- thats all i want. but i dont know. does he really have no idea? can someone be that unsure? its not a good feeling for me.

in all honesty, i cant breakup. im not that strong yet.
i want to give him the chance to fall in love- but the above gets me thinking and insecure. please tell me im normal and not being selfish or unreasonable?

Nina000 11-09-2006 01:51 PM

Re: breakup? what to do?

I would suggest that you have an honest discussion with him, and be open about it. You know there is something not are smart enough to know that love should make you happier than that. You are young, beautiful and intelligent and the world is full of men who will make you feel special. Maybe losing ou would knock some sense into his head?

apple_juice 11-09-2006 01:55 PM

Re: breakup? what to do?
thank you nina.
Ive had so many discussions with him about the state of our relationships. he blames me a lot of the time- like stop breaking up, stop being so negative, let things calm down, give us a chance, let me open up when im ready etc
i understand him. but i cant be doing with someone who isnt in love with me.
to bring up another discussion, i wouldnt know how....been there so many times. ill just get what i get all the time- like above, give it time, calm down etc.
im also quite embarrassed to bring this up and the issue of love again. its embarrassing teling someone you are in love with them, when they cant say they are.
something doesnt feel right. i dont know what to do about it. i dont think i am strong enough to wait for him anymore. yeah, things have been bad, but still, wouldnt he understand how he felt?
i know i should talk to him, but i no longer know what to say to him.
sometimes i feel as though i should be lovey dovey with him, lead the way and see his reaction but im scared.
maybe i should try something like that for when he calls me tonight to say goodnight? what would i say? maybe bring him out of his shell?

Nina000 11-09-2006 02:03 PM

Re: breakup? what to do?
Also, some type of men are just like that: they don't say it. I think this doesn't mean that he is less in love with you.....really! The only thing that made me think is the trip! Why on earth would't he have taken the chance? Was it some kind of other company that he didn't like? Mayb he has his reasons that are not to do with how much he loves you. Only you can tell. Please don't get upset, and try not to think of negatives. Can't you just enjoy the are too young to worry about other issues...

apple_juice 11-09-2006 02:09 PM

Re: breakup? what to do?
his reason for not coming on holiday with me is because when i asked him, we kept arguing like mad, he said if he was to book a holiday, he was insure if we would last untill the holiday. plus, this is his last year at university because he has to work, and he didnt want to miss out with his friends. he explained we could go on holiday anytime. but this holiday meant ALOT to me and he knew that.

nina and rose- what do you think of my suggestions in previous post? you two are geat to talk to, you give very good advice, i hope i can be here for you guys when youre feeling down.

simply talking is helping me so much. i get quite emotional at times, i act on impluse, so does he, which is why we can have awful arguments. haha im learning to calm down and think and talk things through before I approach him- something which he has suggested. i wish i was as rational and practical as him- but then again he doesnt seem to be in love to get all emotional and unrational like people in love do. he explains he is rational and goal orientated because thats what men are like! pah!

rosequartz 11-09-2006 02:17 PM

Re: breakup? what to do?
well of course you should talk to him......communication is the key to every relationship.....although I don't think you're going to get what you want from him. It's pretty clear, you want him to say "I LOVE YOU", and he's not willing to. You have to either be satisfied with that for now, or decide to walk away. You can't keep badgering him because that won't get you the results you want. What exactly is it that you guys argue about?

apple_juice 11-09-2006 02:21 PM

Re: breakup? what to do?
doube post. please see below.

apple_juice 11-09-2006 02:28 PM

Re: breakup? what to do?
im not satisified though. it eats away at me sometimes, like tonight, i get insecure and emotional, then i calm down and think oh no, it is ok, ill give him the chance he is asking for. im confused. i dont want to continue like this.
we argue about...let me think...classic example from earlier today. i met up with a girlfriend and a guy who i kissed and fooled around with whilst i was single, and my boyfriend gets so insanely jealous, and bangs on me about how he doesnt understand why i meet up with him, why i cant see this guy is after only one thing. he goes on for hours about it. and then i snap. he is my friend, and my boyfriend will have to accept it.
stuff like this.

i mean, this happened about a year ago, the same problem
he told me he loved me. then i started being all lovey dovey. he couldnt cope with it, or so it seemed. he told me late that he felt pressured and that although he loved me, wasnt in love. we broke up. got back together. the problems started from then. i did pressure him a lot to talk about his feelings etc but he hated it and it pushed us away from one another. we broke up in the end. and it was a bad breakup and he told me he thought he was in love but wasnt. i think he was just being bitter and wanted to hurt me.
seems like we have the same problem again. he tells me all i gotta do is relax. but thats easier said than done when im in love and yearning for more from him. we have fantastic times, and he can make such effort for me. tomorrow he is planning to take me to countryside for an autun walk and visit to a mansion etc. but i need to hear from him howhe feels. does that make sense?

nina, what did you think of my suggestions? i want to express to him how i feel.....maybe that would bring him out? or simply ask him how he feels?

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