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  • husbands friend??

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    Old 11-26-2006, 08:38 PM   #1
    soulster
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    husbands friend??

    I have a question. Me and my husband have been living in this new state, city... where my husband made a friend at work. This guy's wife is out of country because of a situation for from what I gather has already been a couple of years. Well, this friend of my husbands became a good friend of mine too and the three of us have been hanging out for quite some time.. (he is new to this state too) so he comes to our place almost everyday after work, we all hang out and just relax. Well today I called him on the phone as my husband was at work and I was bored and knew he, the friend was not working today. so we were talking and then I asked him what he was doing.. he said something like what should I be doing and I stated anything you want to, its up to you... I dont know if I said that in an unconscious suggestive manner thinking back on it now... I dont believe I did... btw, i do find him to be attractive... he is.. and I know he reciprocates the feelings.. and my husband does tease me about him... saying things like your lover is coming over tonight... we both joke about it as my husaband thinks I have an innocent crush of him... well, back to the phone situation... when I stated that he could do anything he wanted... he said. .. well that depends on if you are interested!?? I was so shocked to here that, I just changed the subject quickly as I did not want to make the sitation awkward and talked a bit more and hung up. I dont know what to make of this. He always comes across as a very decent guy, he is very well educated like my husband.. they are both in the same field and I just dont know what to make of this. So does this mean he is not a good person??? He always tells me and my husband that we are like family to him.... I just feel so let down about him as I really wanted this to be a good friendship and that is all. I dotn know what to do or what to make of him anymore?

    Last edited by soulster; 11-26-2006 at 08:45 PM.

     
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    Old 11-26-2006, 09:01 PM   #2
    Laylah
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    Re: husbands friend??

    Does it mean he is not a good person? Not necessarily. Does it mean he has intentions that arent good? Most certainly. You're going to have to get honest with your husband here, IMO, if you want to do the best thing for your marraige. You have done nothing wrong here, so dont feel like there's any reason you cant be honest.

    This man isnt a friend to you and he certainly isnt a friend to your husband. What he suggested was sly, underhand and just plain wrong and it's a pity that since you are all new to the city you couldnt have been friends, but I think you've got to see that this changes things. Put the shoe on the other foot; suppose this same situation came about with a new female friend coming on to your husband. Wouldnt you want to know and be offorded the right to tell her to get the hell out of your lives? How would you feel if your husband kept a secret like that to himself? Wouldnt it feel like a betrayal? I damn well know it would if it were my bloke!

    He has betrayed your trust and he's got to go. I also think having somebody around almost every night of the week is a little unhealthy, it's a little suffocating and dosent bode well for intimacy and private time with your husband. I would regard that as a mistake that I'd be careful not to repeat.

    If I were you I'd certianly tell him; besides anything else it will stregnthen the bond of trust between yourself and your husband. Good luck.

     
    Old 11-26-2006, 10:09 PM   #3
    jtm
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    Re: husbands friend??

    He might have seriously thought you were flirting. He might have just been keeping up with you since he thought you were flirting with him. Since your husband knows you like him, he probably has mentioned it to your friend. So he knows you think hes attractive so even if you didnt sound like you were flirting the fact that he knows your attracted to him would make him assume you were flirting. Also keep in mind just because he sounded interested, it does not mean that he would have ever done anything with you.

    Im not so sure I would tell your husband. If you do then it could destroy his friendship with him. And since he works with this guy it will be awkward everday for him.

    I would let it go if I was you. However, you could ask him if he said that because he thought you started to flirt with him. This could be a complete misunderstanding.

    Last edited by jtm; 11-26-2006 at 10:27 PM.

     
    Old 11-27-2006, 10:58 AM   #4
    soulster
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    Re: husbands friend??

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by jtom
    He might have seriously thought you were flirting. He might have just been keeping up with you since he thought you were flirting with him. Since your husband knows you like him, he probably has mentioned it to your friend. So he knows you think hes attractive so even if you didnt sound like you were flirting the fact that he knows your attracted to him would make him assume you were flirting. Also keep in mind just because he sounded interested, it does not mean that he would have ever done anything with you.
    So you are saying, I assume you are a guy, that he could have been just responding to my flirty statement with no alterior motives? What if I carried it further instead of stopping it and changing subjects- you think he would have stopped flirting or wanted to progess to the next level? I dont know? I just want to forget it and continue our friendship as it was... But saying that depends on if you are interested sounds like a proposition to me rather than just a flirtatious response??
    Oh, and he comes over maybe 3 times a week... because me and my husband prevent him from coming over more than that... haha, we need alone time too.... but we feel bad saying not to come over since he is distanced from his wife and lives alone.

    Last edited by soulster; 11-27-2006 at 12:43 PM.

     
    Old 11-27-2006, 01:13 PM   #5
    GypsyArcher
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    Re: husbands friend??

    I think I'll chip in with some expert advice...ahaha.

    One thing, first off - whether or not somebody is educated (meaning went to college) is no reflection on how good of a person they are.

    Look, this guy is a guy. He's obviously lonely and hasn't been with a woman in a very long time. And you're an attractive woman that he has had the opprotunity to get to know. Sometimes people don't always think with their heads. And there isn't always room for semantics. Maybe it was just innocent flirting and he would never put on a hand on you in reality. Or maybe he would, if given the opprotunity, who knows. Being attracted to someone doesn't make you a bad person.

    What really stood out to me - and only because this happened to me - is your husband joking about you having a crush on this guy, and referring to him teasingly as your "lover." Why would your husband think you have a crush on this guy? Or is it maybe wishful thinking? I am not trying to start a conspiracy theory, but my boyfriend did the same thing to me - joking about how I probably thought his best friend was cute, I would probably run off with his friend, etc. Well, we all know how that turned out.

    Basically you have all the ingredients for a dangerous situation, but you seem to have your head on pretty straight. It's not so much a reflection of character as it is just a simple fact - if this friend finds you attractive then he wants to sleep with you. That's kind of how men operate. So if you don't want to fan the flames, then you're just going to have to check yourself. Try not to do or say anything that could be misconstrued as flirting. You give somebody an inch, sometimes they take a mile.
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