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Utterly terrified.

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Old 12-19-2006, 07:58 PM   #1
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Utterly terrified.

I have become physically involved with someone for the first time in all my life. I've only been 'close' in that way with him for a three weeks at the most. We knew one another as friends for awhile and took it to a new level just a few nights ago. We both swore it wouldn't make things weird. I completely broke down last night though. I started thinking about all the walls I'd put around myself and how quickly he broke through and that scares me. Even now, sitting here typing this, I'm shaking and really want to just curl up and cry. I don't at all regret what we did. I loved every moment of it. And it's not him. It's me. It's my freaking out.

And it's not like I'm in love with him. It's not like I have these huge dreams about what we'll become. I'm not so disillusioned as that. And it's not that I don't want to do what we did again. I had fun. I enjoyed myself and I loved being that close to him. But I'm twenty one years old and I'm scared. I'm scared to death.

I can't stop thinking about all this. In two and a half weeks I've lost twelve pounds. I can't eat. I can't think. I can't do anything. I can't even talk about this without crying. I know I'm being irrational about all this, but I'm so scared. And he and I aren't even in a relationship. We're 'just friends'. We're just friends seeing where it's going. And he's a good guy. As a friend, I love him very much. And he loves me. We both don't want to get hurt. We both don't want to hurt anyone else.

And yet, I'm sitting here terrified and I don't know why. I had never so much as madeout with someone before him, and two days ago we did much more than that. And it happened so easily and we both talked about it before and after. And I was fine. Until I'm alone, and then I'm scared all over again.

Why why why? How can I stop being so scared? How can I stop being a freak about this situation? I know it's not possible to go back and take away everything that happened, and deep down I don't want that. But as miserable and sad as I was before him... I was at least safe. It was familar.

I know I have 'daddy issues'. I know that I've never known a good man. Before this boy, I considered myself more lesbian than straight. I never came out to my family with that, but my friends were a little suprised that I had fallen, so suddenly, to a boy. And there were moments when we were together that I thought... do I even like him? Do I even really like him? But I think I do. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore and I'm so scared.

What should I do? I don't know what to do anymore.

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Old 12-20-2006, 06:00 AM   #2
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keepsgoin HB User
Re: Utterly terrified.

I'm not really getting what's so scary about having a relationship with this guy...sounds like the normal evolution of a relationship to me. I mean if you break up with him then how are you worse off then you were before you started a relationship with him. Just "let the good times roll"(Laissez les bons temps rouler) as they like to say in New Orleans! Lighten up and be happy that you found a nice guy that seems to want the same things that you want.
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Old 12-20-2006, 07:33 AM   #3
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Re: Utterly terrified.

I understand your fear. I myself have issues with a "good man" and trust issues beyond your imagination! Falling for someone is scary because you have no idea what to expect, or what will happen. It's out of your control and that is unsetteling to think about.

I'm a great relationship right now but there are moments when I think that "being single is so much easier." Pain is not fun. And it's so easy to get hurt when you feel something for another person.

BUT... we will never experience anything great without some risk. Love (not that you're in love yet.. ) is just as amazing as it is scary. You have to take the risk of possibly getting hurt in order to get to the amazing part.

The question is.. is this guy (any guy, or girl) worth the risk?

Try to relax. Let things happen as they happen. Try not to stress over what could be, and just enjoy what is.

Take a deep breath in.... now exhale! Be calm. Life is too short to be so worried all the time. Enjoy things while you can!

Old 12-20-2006, 08:48 AM   #4
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desertdweller HB User
Re: Utterly terrified.

The evolution of your friendship into intimacy with this guy sounds natural and normal. Your fear doesn't sound like a rational one. Do you have a fear of being intimate with men in general? Were you ever molested? Maybe you should try counseling to talk about your issues with your father.

Old 12-20-2006, 02:26 PM   #5
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Re: Utterly terrified.

I think that if you're having these feelings, maybe you really weren't ready to take it to the next level, or maybe not that far yet. There are other ways you can be intimate without it going too far. If you say that you had not so much as made out with someone before all this, you could have possibly jumped the gun.... If you're having feelings like this, maybe you should just explore a little more into why you feel this way. You can't have a good close relationship if you're uncomfortable, even when you're alone.

Hope this helps some!

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