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  • New Guy has 8 Yr Old Daughter

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    Old 01-07-2007, 10:27 AM   #1
    SweetPuff
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    New Guy has 8 Yr Old Daughter

    Hi. About 3 months ago I begin dating a guy with an 8 yr old little girl. I never wanted to date anyone that had been married or had kids, but I went out with him anyway and really fell for him. I have met his little girl and we actually have a lot in common. We both like each other as well. When I am with him and her though, I have to behave, can't kiss on him, etc... which is of course understandable. He isn't quite ready to let her in one what is going on, but we definately talk about a future together, etc... but at the same time he wants to make sure everything is what we both want. Anyway.... yesterday I spent the whole day with him, his friends and his little girl. We had a great time all day/night and at the end of the day we went back to his house...just him, the daughter and me. He has 2 couches so he laid down on one and gave me a blanket and a pillow for me and his little girl. But...when she came in the room she laid down with him. She is very much a daddy's little girl and a bit spoiled at that (his friends see it). Suddenly I felt a little hurt or scared one like I was holding back from crying. I don't know if I was just tired or if the reality of the father/daughter relationship was kicking in. Finally about a half hour later he decided to go to bed. I said goodnight to his daughter, but then she followed him to the door so I couldn't even hug or kiss him goodnight. I guess maybe it's selfish of me, but I wish he could've asked her to go to bed and wait for him or he could've asked for a few minutes of "adult time" to talk to me and say goodnight. I just really needed to feel close to him even if just to hug/kiss him before I left. It really bothered me, but I don't know if I have the right to feel that way. I am thankful he invited me to spend the whole day with him....although basically it was carrying her around in the car while he and his friends rode their new motorcycles. He doesn't have the experience yet to ride us around. Even a girl friend of his told him he owed me some lovin for doing that all day. I didn't mind....I just needed a decent goodnight when my feelings were on edge. Am I being selfish or should he be able to tell his 8yr old to go to bed?

     
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    Old 01-07-2007, 10:39 AM   #2
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    Re: New Guy has 8 Yr Old Daughter

    Hi SweetPuff; It's still very early days in the relationship and if you both stay together things will settle down into a routine and she will gradually have to be made aware that you are her daddys girlfriend. There may be a little jealousy from her, but I think the best thing you can do to head that off at the pass is to form a stronger personal bond between yourself and his daughter. (This is if you actually intend to be around for the long haul, it'd be quite unfair to form a bond with her if you suspect it may have to be broken)

    I think you should have a talk with him and relate to him that you do understand her feelings need to be given priority for some forseeable time, but that you also feel he should manage your time together so that you're not pushed out of the picture either. If you're having a relationship with this man how much trouble is it for him to ensure you get a hug and a cuddle on your way out the door? I think, far from being selfish, you are entitled to put your view across and I think it's best to do so, because if you dont you could end up forming resentful feelings towards his status as a dad and even towards his little girl, and that bodes no good for any of you.

    How is the situation with the childs mother? Have you met her? How long has it been since they broke up? I'm trying to get an idea if his daughter has already become accustomed to the idea that mammy and daddy are not together anymore. I'm wondering if she may have hopes of their getting back together and possibly come to see you as an obstruction to that end, when your relationship is made known to her.

     
    Old 01-07-2007, 10:53 AM   #3
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    Re: New Guy has 8 Yr Old Daughter

    I went through the exact same situation. My now-husband has a 5-year-old daughter from his first marriage. It is perfectly natural to be feeling what you are feeling.

    Although it is early in your relationship, later on you will look back and realize that the closeness he has with his daughter is something to be cherised. Not all fathers are that close or care that much about their kids. That's an excellent sign that he's a good man, good father, and a good person.

    I too felt torn seeing my husband and his daughter together but I now realize that my relationship with my husband is a different kind of love than that with a child and I do not feel jealous or that I'm "competing" with him for love.

    My husband still has his own relationship with his daughter, as do I, although I'm not as close to her as I'm not her natural mother, we have our own relationship all it's own.

    The best thing you can do is wait until he's comfortable to share more of you in front of his daughter. If he's a good father, his daughter will come first until you become closer as a couple. You can't expect a parent to put their children last in the realms of a new relationship. If you expect him to put you before his daughter this early on, your expectations are too high and you may need to reevaluate what it is you really want.

    Good luck!
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    Old 01-07-2007, 11:14 AM   #4
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    Re: New Guy has 8 Yr Old Daughter

    This is why I think one is fortunate if one can have a few good relationships under their belt while young where they are really cherished and loved and given a lot of attention because when you get older and date men with kids, especially men who have custody on a regular basis, you have to get used to being second fiddle. Which doesn't have to be a bad, thing, BUT...

    I'm a little uneasy about the fact that he took off with his buddies on the motorcycle and left you to drive his daughter. I think it would have been more appropriate and more attentive for him to have ridden in the car with you and his daughter and waited for a day when you were having a girl's day out with your friends and the daughter was with her mother to ride bikes with his buddies. It's almost as if he likes to have you around for free nanny service, yet after three months, you're still not even allowed to kiss him in front of her? That's the only thing that struck me as a little off. At three months, of course you guys aren't going to be talking marriage, but surely daugher knows daddy dates women, and men and women kiss when they date.


    In your original post, you only talked about that one day. How often do you generally get to see him when daughter's not around? Are you not even allowed to give him a little peck on the lips or put your arm around him or hold hands with him in her presence? I don't think 8 is too young to understand that adult men and women date and hug and kiss and stuff like that. And sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but her getting too close to you, relying on you and getting to feel like you're a strong fixture in the home and then having you leave because things didn't work out with you and her dad, that's another story, but it doesn't really sound like that's happening her. I smell something a little fishy. I think if he had really really strong feelings for you, he wouldn't be quite so skiddish about just kissing you in front of her after three months. I think maybe keeping the fact that daddy and mommy date other people from her might encourage fantasies of mommy and daddy getting back together some day, which isn't doing her any favors and the shock will be even bigger for her if things do progress and he does have to tell her that you and he are more than just buddies.

    Now, I don't have kids and have never dated a man with kids, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but I think after three months, you do have the right to be treated like a girlfriend. If you're good enough to drive his kid around and tend to her while he goes biking with his buddies, then you should be good enough to give him a little kiss and squeeze in front of her.

     
    Old 01-07-2007, 11:42 AM   #5
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    Re: New Guy has 8 Yr Old Daughter

    A guy with a kid is tough! I dated a guy with a 54 year old and she was always at her Dad's side. It was hard to know what to do. We avoided contact too. I found myself warming up to her faster than my boyfrend and he even seemed to be jelouse (sp) of us. It took about a month of sneaking kisses and then she saw us on accident. She seemed upset and demanded her Dad's attention and ignored me. I felt we should have been honest with her or more carefull hiding it. He talked to her and we both gave her attention and made sure she was always in the middle of us when we did things like watching a movie on the couch. Evnetually she came around. I think this guy underestimates (sp) his daughter. You can tell because like you said his friends notice she's spoiled but does he? Judging from this girls actions I think she knows something is going on between you two and she is letting you know right now the powerfull hold she has on her Dad. He should just be honest with her. It has been 3 months and that may be early yet but like I said she appears to be catching on so why not be honest with her soon?

    Last edited by alleycat2; 01-07-2007 at 11:55 AM.

     
    Old 01-07-2007, 01:00 PM   #6
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    Re: New Guy has 8 Yr Old Daughter

    Thanks for all the input. To answer some questions.... he has been divorced for 3yrs and has made it very clear to his little girl that he will not be getting back together with her mom. She is even the one that said her mom is probably going to marry the guy she is with (with him a week after her seperation). The other night at dinner my guy was asking what he she call my parents and she leaned over and said mother and father in law, haha. So...she isn't clueless at all! He still sits with me and doesn't ignore me by all means when she is around, he just feels like it's too early for her to see us kiss, etc.. I've stolen a few when she was out of the room and he's always scared she'll walk in on us. I don't think she is jealous, but maybe more curious. I think if she sees us together that way she will just talk about it a lot. He shares custody of her with his ex, but I think her friends all are at her moms house so when she is with her dad it is all about them. He sent me a text today saying he didn't spend much time with me when she is around b/c he needs to consider her feelings, and I just want to say hey, what about mine...we are starting this relationship and I need to feel like I'm wanted I guess. She has grown up around all of his friends so it's not a problem for her to share time with them....so why should it be to share time with me? I think he coddles her way too much and has a hard time saying no to her....but I don't want to tell him that b/c I'm figuring that would be a big NONO! The whole bike issue yesterday wasn't him passing her off on me. He is excited about his new bike and she even got to ride a little with his friends and she is just as excited about his bike. I don't know where I'm going with all this now, but that is some backstory to it all I guess. She has told me her daddy likes me and thinks I'm pretty, etc... so it's not a question of her or I liking each other. I'm don't think I'm jealous of her b/c I know it is a different type of relationship and I actually love watching him with her sometimes b/c I can see how much he loves her and what a good dad he is and will be. I just hate that I can't express my feelings much when she is around and I hate that I can't kiss him goodnight. Funny....even all his friends hugged me goodbye when we parted for the evening before going to his house....but he didn't later. Anyway....... I guess it's hard to want someone so bad and need a little comfort before going home, but have to walk out the door without it and then ponder over it on a rainy Sunday!

     
    Old 01-07-2007, 01:07 PM   #7
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    Re: New Guy has 8 Yr Old Daughter

    Oh yea...I am going on 30...he is going on 36. He hasn't had any significant relationships since his divorce and I have had a few very long term relationships, but never married. His best friend introduced us b/c he thought we would be very good for each other....both of us want the same things, smile alot and get along great.........when I get to see him! I guess I'm just used to dating a guy and then being in his spotlight and now with this guy it's a whole new level I'm not used to. I'm ok with not being his priority, I just want to be able to feel like I'm still wanted or cared for as a woman when she is around.

     
    Old 01-07-2007, 02:25 PM   #8
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    Re: New Guy has 8 Yr Old Daughter

    Have you ever discussed any of this with him at all, even in a very gentle way?

     
    Old 01-07-2007, 04:01 PM   #9
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    Re: New Guy has 8 Yr Old Daughter

    Well, yesterday or last night was really when it got to me.I guess it was worse b/c I had been with him and her for over 10 hrs so all day long my need to hold on to him was building up. I told him I wanted him to walk me out and he said she would be watching...and she did follow us. I haven't talked to him all day today except one text he replied back to when I asked if he was mad at me for feeling the way I did. His reply was no, but that is why he doesn't spend much time w/me when he has her b/c he has to consider her feelings. Hopefully I'll get to talk to him later tonight, but who knows. I think he is just very protective of her and I'm scared of what not to say for fear of pushing him away.

     
    Old 01-07-2007, 04:17 PM   #10
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    Re: New Guy has 8 Yr Old Daughter

    It's a natural fatherly instinct to want to protect her feelings, as I'm sure you know, but from everything you've said it's starting to look to me like he's protecting her feelings at the expense of yours, which isnt on in my book.

    I think you should put this to him in a non-argumentitive way and also ask him to give you a solid dependable timeframe for when he intends to make your relationship with him clear to her; at least then you'll be able to see an end to all this! I think if she has accepted that her mother is on the verge of getting married to someone else it sounds like she'd be ready to accept a new relationship for her father!!! I think you should point that out to him - I know I would!

    There's no point keeping your mouth shut and letting resentments creep in, as I said, that'll do none of you any good and it'll be big-time damaging for your relationship also. If you spend ten hours with the two of them he should be able to tell her to go to bed so you have ten minutes for a cuddle and a hug, I mean really! It's not like he split with her mother a few weeks or months ago. It sounds to me like this little girl has moved on - it's about time her daddy caught up with her!

     
    Old 01-07-2007, 05:09 PM   #11
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    Re: New Guy has 8 Yr Old Daughter

    Thanks! You are very right!!!! I will point that out to him. I guess maybe he wants to know that we are on a solid foundation before involving her, but I agree that it shouldn't be so hard to give me 10 min alone at the end of the night. Thank you for your advice!

     
    Old 01-07-2007, 05:13 PM   #12
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    Re: New Guy has 8 Yr Old Daughter

    To me it seems weird for the man to sleep with 8 year old daughter.
    I agree with others that you should discuss problem with him.

     
    Old 01-07-2007, 06:00 PM   #13
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    Re: New Guy has 8 Yr Old Daughter

    She was laying on the couch with him...but as for how weird it is, I don't really remember how I was at that age. Although he is well off, for the time being he is living with a friend (helping the guy with rent) and his daughter has a bed in his room. She sleeps in his bed sometimes, but I know he has atleast told me that is going to stop and I know the other night he told her she needed to sleep in her own bed. I think maybe it would help her to have her own room so hopefully before long he will buy a house. I'm not worried about any other wrong issues there though. I don't have any bad intuitions...I just think he needs to help her be a little more independent. I think after leaving her mom he probably felt he needed to baby her and he has let it go on too long. That being said... when his ex had her she didn't really want a child so he did all the work doing her hair, giving her baths, buying her clothes, etc.. I guess that is why she is now daddy's girl.

     
    Old 01-07-2007, 06:16 PM   #14
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    Re: New Guy has 8 Yr Old Daughter

    "I think after leaving her mom he probably felt he needed to baby her and he has let it go on too long"

    Yes, that's what it sounds like to me SweetPuff. Make sure to let us know how you get on with it; good luck!

     
    Old 01-07-2007, 06:16 PM   #15
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    Re: New Guy has 8 Yr Old Daughter

    "I think after leaving her mom he probably felt he needed to baby her and he has let it go on too long"

    Yes, that's what it sounds like to me SweetPuff. Make sure to let us know how you get on with it; good luck!

     
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