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SeeSaw99 01-16-2007 12:15 AM

guy trying to steal my girlfriend
To all the guys out there (and girls, too)--

A little advice needed. I'm a 25-year-old guy, and have been dating a girl for a year now. To cut to the chase, I want to know how other guys out there would react to another guy trying blatanly to steal their girlfriends. My girlfriend works with a guy who has liked her for the last year (during this whole time she's been with me). Over the past few weeks or so, he's been making his move. He's extremely bold, and my girlfriend tells me everything that he says to her. These amount to things like "You are absolutely beautiful," and "I want you to be with me." He's done other things that seem unbelievable to me, knowing as he does that she has been with me for a year. He asks her out on dates, and, most ridiculously, has tried to hold her hand at work.

She thinks he's a nice enough guy, and admits that she is charmed a bit when someone is that passionate towards her. But she isn't attracted to him, and would never go for him--and it's true, he's not her type. Besides, she loves me.

Now, in my opinion, any guy who is trying to hold the hand of another guy's girlfriend at work, etc., is asking for trouble. He makes me extremely angry because his actions are pretty disrespectful toward me. I'm pretty sure most guys would not tolerate another guy acting like this. Does he actually expect that the boyfriend will stand for it? Nevertheless, I'm not about to do anything dramatic (fighting, etc.), considering he works in the same building as my girlfriend, and I am not a fighter anyway. But what planet is this guy living on?

Any advice from guys (or girls), on how to bring my anger level down? The attempts to hold her hand (he did this when a group of them were out at a movie, not to mention at their workplace) are what really get to me.


Willapp 01-16-2007 01:15 AM

Re: guy trying to steal my girlfriend
I think it's your girlfriend who needs to take action here, not you. Has she made it clear to him that she's not interested at all? And asked him to stop doing all these things? If so, what he's doing amounts to (sexual) harrassment, and she could make a complaint about him to her boss if he won't stop.

I know she might not want to make her work situation difficult, but really this is the only option and it's this guy's fault really, not hers! She needs to take action to stop this, for the sake of your relationship.

shorti 01-16-2007 03:19 AM

Re: guy trying to steal my girlfriend
i totally agree that your girlfriend is the one that needs to take action here. im in a similar situation where i work. i work casually as im a university student and the guy that likes me works there full time. around october last year, a female work collegue comes up to me and says X likes you. for the last few weeks he has been saying how friendly you are and stuff like this. I just went on about my business, still spoke to the guy because he hasn't done anything wrong. I have been dating a guy for nearly a year but October last year we had an off period because we had some little dissagreements. this guy that likes me was a guy that i asked for advice so we used to speak all the time. he knew i still fancied my boyfriend. my boyfriend and i got back together in november. X from work invited me out to his birthday in which i went along. at this stage i didnt know he liked me heaps, just that he has said im a friendly person to others. i had to leave his party early because i had planned to go to the movies with my boyfriend. as i was going into the movie i get a message from his phone saying hey, this is X's friend. i hope u come back, ur really cute. i didnt reply to the message as there was no need to. when i was in work the following week he asked if i received a message and all i said was yes. he said i need to talk to u. he said that his friend reckons we should hook up. the next friday he messaged me asking how i was and what i was up to on the weekend. he said that he missed not seeing me at work because i didnt work that week. i didnt reply to that either. when i come into work to work, he always comes into the tea room and gets an ice pack out of the fridge making out he has a sore shoulder. a lot of other staff members have told me stuff that he has said. he was messaging another girl from work saying that i havent replied bla bla bla. this girl said, i think she just wants to be friends. he replied back saying "poor sexless me." i felt so upset. i no longer talk to him and he doesnt talk to me. he liked another girl at work too before me and she wasnt interested either and he bagged her so much that it's not funny all because she just wanted to be friends. now i feel the same thing is going to happen to me. last week he asked if i wanted a lift home. i said nah its ok i can walk. i dont live far. next minute he drove past and tooted the horn at me. this makes me so uncomfortable that if things esculate further im going to go and speak to my store manager because something needs to be done.unfortunately he is off to florida tomorrow with other store managers on a managers retreat.(our company is american) i wish he never had my number. the reason he has it was because last year i thurned 21 and invited people from work and on the invitation i wrote my phone number so people could rsvp. this was in july way before i knew anything about him liking me.
it's up to your girlfriend to say she is not interested and if he doesnt back off then she needs to speak to her boss. the place i work casually for is actually an american company. the place is called savers but i think in america they also call it value village, so some of you may of heard of the place. there is 5 of these stores in australia and im a cashier at savers and he's out the back pricing jewlery so i dont even need to talk to him at work. im working full time while im on holidays from uni at the moment and im pricing ladies clothing which is on the other side of the production room. i can avoid him really easily and thats what i plan on doing. if he causes me any touble then ill be talking to the manager, if that doesnt work, ill take it to head office. ill go as far as i have to if it gets out of control. i dont need to be made to feel uncomfortable at work at all. i go there to work to make money so i can save and have fun, not to pick up guys.

Laylah 01-16-2007 04:17 AM

Re: guy trying to steal my girlfriend
Yes, it's up to her to tell him where to go. I can relate to your situation, I had a similar one myself with my own partner months ago; the whole thing really ****** me off.

Some young woman who was walking through the shopping centre where my boyfriend works as a security guard put her eye on him and apparently decided she liked what she saw. She had been in the centre shopping or whatever, but she also happened to know one of the other security guards my boyfriend works with, so I guess she decided that's how she'd make her move. She got my boyfriends number from this man he works with and that's when the calls started..

Cutting a long story short, she started sending him messages introducing herself as a friend of ____ and wanting to go out for a few drinks with the work crew and all this, trying to get her foot in the door that way. The contact quickly morphed into all these sexualised calls and texts saying she wanted to meet up and do this that and the other and when he declined and told her he had a girlfriend her response was - "****** your girlfriend"!!! That was the bit that bothered me most. If she had been a bit mortified to hear he had a girlfriend and backed off I wouldnt have felt nearly so angry towards her, as, after all, he's a VERY sexy man and you cant blame a girl for trying! But her response when she heard of my existence made me want to tear her hair out BY – THE – ROOTS (and take the scalp with it too, lol) so I FULLY identify with your frustration.

At the point she made that comment he told her never to call again. I really think it's long past time your girlfriend told this man to backoff. It sounds to me like she may be flattered by all the attention, but more so, I'd say she's getting a buzz out of your jealousy. You should remind her that though she may be enjoying your jealousy, you certainly aren’t. She needs to tell him where to go and she needs to stop fanning the flames of your jealousy in order to make herself feel attractive, wanted and loved. It seems to me this is what she's doing here, based on what you've said, and if I'm right I have to say it's pretty selfish behaviour out of her, if you dont mind me saying. As a woman, I know you dont allow a situation like this to continue and keep on reporting back to your boyfriend every time the guy gives you the eyeball unless you're getting a buzz and some big-time validation out of your boyfriends jealous response. If I'm right, the game she's playing here is cruel and unfair. Our two situations are similar, like I said; this mans actions are the physical equivalent of the women who was chasing my mans comment; "****** your girlfriend". He is saying, with his actions - "****** your boyfriend". I know what I'd have done if my man hadnt gotten rid of her pronto. Maybe that girl would even be with him today - because I know I wouldnt.

SeeSaw99 01-16-2007 01:55 PM

Re: guy trying to steal my girlfriend
Thanks for all the responses. Yes, I can relate to everyone that responded. My girlfriend has indeed told him that they are just friends. He said he understood that, but it would be hard. Then he texts her this morning telling her that he's hurting so bad over this that he's crying.

The problem is that he's making my girlfriend feel really bad for hurting him, that she somehow did something wrong. And my girlfriend is naturally a people person, and told me she can't help wanting to comfort people that are hurting.

Laylah and shorti, thanks for sharing your stories. Laylah, I can relate to your anger specifically. My girlfriend and I had a few disagreements over the past month or so, and I think this guy knew about them, so he was essentially saying to her behind my back that he could be a much better boyfriend. I literally flipped out for a few seconds. I had to punch a pillow a few times and wanted to punch this guy in the face. He doesn't know her, he doesn't know what we've been through together or how much we care about each other, and he's putting on this "sweet" act at work and telling her how good they would be together. As I said before, I was pretty ****** off.

And he's still saying that he'll wait for her until she's no longer "really" available (which I guess means engaged), which isn't exactly an aggressive threat, but it makes me think that he's going to be ready to pounce at the slightest opening, offering himself as a personal confidant to her and trying to work his way back in. Still makes me shake my head...

We'll see what happens.

HelpHelpHelp 01-16-2007 08:54 PM

Re: guy trying to steal my girlfriend
Some guys like this guy, "the nice guy" type, or "christian" or what have you, often these guys that regard themselves as the sweet ones, actually have a sense and ego of entitlement---he is so confident that he is a sweetie and better than other guys that he actually DESERVES this girl, that he deserves her and you don't. Guys like that think they aren't doing any wrong because they are so sweet, that they'd be doing her a favor to mess up the relationship so she could be with a sweet guy--- nice guy wants to rescue the beautiful princess.

Laylah 01-17-2007 02:22 AM

Re: guy trying to steal my girlfriend
Hi SeeSaw; you know, if this relationship influenced your choice of username I can really see why! I'm not trying to be cruel here, but it really seems to me she has you on the emotional equivilant of a seesaw or merry-go-round. Sometimes when people treat us badly they do it with such straight-faced ease we can actually come to believe the circumstances their behaviour have created are normal and natural - but your hurt, anger and confusion is your minds way of telling you that this is NOT a normal, natural or acceptable situation.

As I said in my last post on this thread, in reference to my own situation: "At the point she made that comment he told her never to call again". He did that on his own steam, with no prompting from me. That is EXACTLY what your girl should have done here, and she should have done it BEFORE it got to the point where you were hurt, angry and confused. That's what having respect for your relationship is all about. A person who respects their relationship, and the person they are sharing it with, will NEVER allow an outside threat to impose itself. She needs to tell him to NEVER speak to her again. Since she dosent have the respect to see this for herself I'd already be at least seriously considering leaving if I were you (in fact I reckon I'd already be gone) You obviously love her and want this relationship to work, so I think your last hope here is to tell her to tell him, in no uncertain terms, that since he cannot respect her relationship and partner, he is NEVER to speak to her again. If she is unwilling to do this, I think you'll have to face the uncomfortable status of exactly where your relationship comes in her list of priorities. If you are unwilling to do that, you will be presenting yourself as a doormat, and in that case you neednt expect things to get any better, as people who present themselves in that light are inevitably walked on.

RockMyBoat 01-17-2007 09:35 PM

Re: guy trying to steal my girlfriend
The only thing you SHOULDN'T do is get angry. Unless he does it around you, there is nothing you can do. Your girlfriend is her own person and has to deal with it. Just take comfort in the fact that he hasn't got any hope in hell. If your girlfriend tells you all this stuff about him and says she doesn't like him, it's because she doesn't. And any guy who trys to pull what he does would never, ever be successful in getting her.

Larrylou'smom 01-17-2007 09:53 PM

Re: guy trying to steal my girlfriend
I agree, your girlfriend may not like him, but she's clearly enjoying the attention she's getting from this guy. Only speaking for myself, to me, nothing in the world is more annoying and unattractive than some guy you have made clear you are not interested in who keeps hitting on you and hitting on you. I think if she really didn't enjoy his attentions on some level, she would have told him to get bent by now. I'm wondering what she's getting out of telling you every single move this guy makes, yet she still hangs around him, still goes to the movies where he is included in the group, etc.

If I were you, I would not give her an ultimatum, and I would NOT tell her what to do or what she should do, but I would make it clear that you are extremely hurt and frustrated at dating a woman who has another man pawing at her all the time. You didn't sign up for that, and you don't want to feel like you're competing for her. I think I would ask her, NOT accusingly, but calmly and plainly ask her why she still hangs around him, and why she has never told this guy "I'd appreciate it if you would stop making romantic overtures toward me. If you cannot keep our relationship on a platonic level, then we cannot have any relationship at all." IF she doesn't want to hurt his feelings, well, why are his feelings more important to her than yours? There comes a time when you have to stand up for your relationship, and her time is now.

galinaqt 01-18-2007 09:27 AM

Re: guy trying to steal my girlfriend
Can you talk to this person rationally and ask him to stay away from your gf. Also how does he knows what is going on in your relationship. Does your gf told him and what for?

blancanieve 01-18-2007 05:09 PM

Re: guy trying to steal my girlfriend
Just reading this post really pisses me off!:mad: What pisses me off the most is that your gf hasn't told this guy to back off! I completely agree with Laylah. I understand that they might be friends, but this guy is disrespecting her (by harassing her with these comments) and you ofcourse.

I have been in a similar situation where a guy wanted to be with me and didn't get the point that I didn't. I told him clearly that I have a boyfriend and he kept on bothering me. I immediately stopped talking to him and avoided him at all costs. And now he def. gets the point that I'm not interested and stopped bothering me. I think that if your gf really cared she'd stop talking to him! Its really hard for me to believe that if this really bothered her she wouldn't stop talking to him! And obviously if he sees that she's not bothered by the comments that he's making he's going to keep on doing this. I can't believe he text her, how did he even get her number?!

You have every right to feel jealous and uncomfortable about this situation.

SeeSaw99 01-23-2007 03:07 PM

Re: guy trying to steal my girlfriend
Thanks for the response, blanca, and everyone else. It's all still continuing. He continues to text her, and the other night he called her and talked to her on the phone from 11:00 pm to 2:00 am, and she told me he continues to tell her she's beautiful, smart, everything he wants, etc. And now, he's trying to set up a night to go over and watch an archeaology documentary with her. She lives with a roommate in a house and the only DVD player is in her room, and so of course they would be sitting/laying back there in her bedroom, on her bed, with the door closed. This from a guy who's already kissed her on the lips and tried to hold her hand. She said she didn't think it was a good idea for now, as I would feel uncomfortable with this.....Well, yeah, obviously I'd be uncomfortable. I want to say to her, "Why did you have to come and run this by me first before nixing the idea? Were you actually considering doing this?"

But it's getting to the point where I'm becoming just as angry with her--though I still get fits of rage at this guy's lack of respect, too.

I want her to tell this guy to stop trying to get with her, stop calling her late at night, stop texting her, stop everything. And I want her to do it because the guy's being a general inconsiderate jerk and showing no respect for our relationship, and not because I would "find it uncomfortable" if she watched a movie with someone she considers a "friend."

GypsyArcher 01-23-2007 03:40 PM

Re: guy trying to steal my girlfriend
This guy has "unbalanced stalker" written all over him. Your girlfriend had better watch, because she's leading him on and she could find herself in big trouble. He told her he was crying over her?? Your girlfriend is dragging this poor, psychotic person into her life just to make you jealous and get your attention, but I'm thinking there are going to be some serious reprecussions once she decides she is done using this guy.

I would ask her if she is really this incredibly stupid. This guy probably has an altar dedicated to her in his bedroom. It's dangerous to lead people on, especially people this obsessive. Seriously, tell her to get her head out of her rectum and leave this guy alone before she starts finding dead animals on her doorstep or something. And if she thinks it's cute to keep playing around with him, then I'd think about maybe getting out of dodge and letting HER deal with this mess she is creating.

lovinthev8 01-23-2007 04:55 PM

Re: guy trying to steal my girlfriend
She needs to report his ***. Nobody should put up with that at work... nobody.

Don't sweat it, just tell her she needs to report him and see what happens. Afterwards, go with the flow. First reaction is to always run at the dude and get physical, but 9/10 times, despite how great you might feel right after, it's not worth it. You got the girl, not him. Just make sure she gets him off her back at work and see what happens.

Laylah 01-23-2007 05:06 PM

Re: guy trying to steal my girlfriend
[QUOTE=SeeSaw99;2759593]...the guy's being a general inconsiderate jerk and showing no respect for our relationship[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, but no, it's your girlfriend who's being an inconsiderate jerk and showing no respect for your relationship.

Look, I'm not ordinarily this blunt, but this guy is not in your relationship. Therefore there is no onus on him to show respect for your relationship; that is your girlfriend’s job, and if it were an actual job she would have been fired long before now; you need to wake up and understand who’s really disrespecting you here, and here’s a clue – it’s not this guy.

I’ll say it again – you need to wake up.

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