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  • My true love is a compulsive liar. Desperate for advice. Please help me.

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    Old 01-19-2007, 07:33 AM   #1
    truelyloveher's Avatar
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    Question My true love is a compulsive liar. Desperate for advice. Please help me.

    I am currently in a relationship with woman who constantly lies to me. Sometimes she will even go out of her way to strike up a conversation with me just to tell me a story that never really happened. It's as though she is obsessed by living in a world of untruths. She will lie about trivial things that she could not possibly gain from. She will tell me that I did or said something in the recent past when I know for a fact I did not do or say as she is claiming. It's as though she's either testing my memory or playing some other kind of mind game but I can't figure out the motivation for her acting like this. In fact I have driven myself nearly crazy trying to figure out why she lies to me so continuously. At this point in time I am really tired of trying to figure it all out. I know that the idea of seeking professional help for her is hopeless because the first step to getting help for any addiction is admitting that one has a problem and I'm completely convinced that she will never take this first step.

    To put it simply I am torn between accepting and dealing with her frustrating and sometimes painful compulsion (we are in the planning stage of getting married) or not accepting it and walking away. In order for me to even consider sticking our relationship out TWO THINGS ARE ABSOLUTELY PARAMOUNT as I have conveyed to her several times. The two things I am referring to here are simply for her to not cheat or otherwise betray my heart, as I would be nothing short of devastated. I constantly tell myself that I can deal with her lies as long I don't have to deal with her cheating. Yet the sad reality is that lying and cheating are close cousins. These two words are used in the same sentence together repeatedly and how can I possibly expect her to stay true to me when I can rarely get the truth to come out of her mouth?

    In spite of the previous mentioned there is some hope in the sense that she so far hasn't lied to me in a malicous sense that I am aware of. Her lies seem to revolve around her insecurities coupled with a bad childhood. Yet I am far from knowing this for sure and I am desperate for any and all outside advice in this situation. Please try to offer any advice you can based on what I have written so far as well as the following facts:
    I own the property on which her and I live, it's worth around $100k yet this is basically all that I own which is pretty menial compared to her nearly $400k in liquid cash (she just received a huge settlement) so I cannot see her stealing anything from me in the near future.
    My fiance has no social life outside the home, nor do I for that matter and she tells me all the time that she only needs or wants me in her life and I believe she is being truthfull here.
    My fiance has a very low self-esteem.
    I was told by my fiances' mother that she enjoyed telling stories and making up lies as a child and had never gotten over it.
    My fiance is quite easy to get along with and is very loving toward me.
    My fiance is quite sensible in most respects.
    My fiance has never showed any signs of being vicious, malicious or otherwise tried to hurt me or anyone else.
    My fiance seems like she is in constant (although usually mildly) fear of losing me to someone else as she is a lot older than I am, I try to reassure her that what matters to me is her heart, not the age factor between us.
    I do believe my fiance when she claims to be fully satisfied in our sex life together, and I hope that one day soon I will (completely) believe her when she says that she doesn't need or want anyone else because her sexual desires are completely fullfilled by me.
    I am totally confident in my ability to satisfy her sexual needs and do not believe that she would ever cheat on me out of loneliness, however I cannot say for sure that she would not cheat for other reasons mostly as a result of her own insecurities.
    My fiance was in an abusive relationship which lasted for fifteen years and, according to her, she had become somewhat "conditioned" to lie so as not to get smacked around, how much and the true degree of her ex abuse toward her is questionable, although I know some degree of abuse existed.
    In spite of the previously mentioned my fiance has made claim after claim that her (conditioned mind to lie or get smacked around) was a habit that she broken immediately after she left her ex for good.

    I hope I didn't bore anyone here and I hope I have presented this information in a way that someone can give me advice on where to go from here as it is sometimes difficult for me to make sensible decisions concerning this relationship as love has it's way of interfering. And although It will not be an easy thing to do, I realize that it will be much better to get out sooner than to wait for an inevitable and even more painful "later". Thanks for any and all advice here.

    Last edited by truelyloveher; 01-19-2007 at 07:42 AM.

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    Old 01-19-2007, 07:54 AM   #2
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    Re: My true love is a compulsive liar. Desperate for advice. Please help me.

    WoW, I wanted to reply and say I am sorry for your situation but am not sure I know what advice to give you....what is the age difference. I guess it would come down to which she is more afraid of losing you or facing her lying problem. I sure that she has to know she has some sort of problem. Why is it that she has no social life..or both of you for that matter. (work? family? or anything) How long have you two been together. How did you meet? What did she do before you...since she seems to have built her life on you? Sorry for all the questions just tring to get a better picture of the foundation of your relationship.

    Old 01-19-2007, 08:16 AM   #3
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    Re: My true love is a compulsive liar. Desperate for advice. Please help me.

    Huuum...I've known a few people that were like this and you CANNOT believe anything they tell you...Like the abusive relationship for 15 you really know that happened? May have been her way of coming up with an excuse for lying but yet her Mother said she used to do this as a child. Do you know for sure she really has this "unbelievable" amount of cash? That sounds like a story to me! But...just because someone is a compulsive liar does not make them a cheater...these are two different things. You are right, no counseling could help because she will most likely go to her grave denying she's ever told a lie. And accusing them makes them crazy with anger!

    The closest person to me that is like this is my brother's wife. She is a very sweet loving person to my brother but he better not believe a word she says and she too will lie about stupid stuff like what she bought at the grocery store...just any old thing just to make every day life better I suppose? I am the total opposite of this so it makes no sense to me whatsoever!

    How long have you been with her? If you've been putting up with this for years then I'd say that you are dealing with it just as my brother did...he's accepted her for how she is and just takes her stories with a grain of salt and at least he's entertained...HAHA!!!!
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    Old 01-19-2007, 08:44 AM   #4
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    Re: My true love is a compulsive liar. Desperate for advice. Please help me.

    Her "story telling" (lying) is a coping mechanism for her. You said she had a difficult childhood.. making up stories was her way of dealing with whatever she was going through. It's probably true about the condition to lie part, to avoid getting "smacked around." None of this justifies her lying, but it gives reason to it. And finding out the why will help figure out how to solve the problem.

    I really feel you should try to get to her to see a professional... someone who can help her sort out her emotions, and leave her past in her past.

    She will continue to lie if she doesn't get help. You have to ask yourself if you're willing to live this way for the rest of your life. Do not get married thinking or hoping it will change. Maybe you have to give her an ultimatum.. seek professional help or split. Maybe it will snap her into reality.

    I wish I could offer better advice.

    Good luck.

    Old 01-19-2007, 02:45 PM   #5
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    Re: My true love is a compulsive liar. Desperate for advice. Please help me.

    How do you know she's not lying to you...about everything?

    Old 01-20-2007, 09:28 AM   #6
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    Re: My true love is a compulsive liar. Desperate for advice. Please help me.

    "Maybe you have to give her an ultimatum.. seek professional help or split. Maybe it will snap her into reality... I wish I could offer better advice"

    Actually I think what Jen has given you here is the best advice you're going to get, so much so that I really cant think of anything to add to it. The only alternative is to spend the rest of your life wondering if every word you listen to is a lie - are you really prepared to live like that??!!! If so, I hate to be blunt, but it sounds like a wasted life to me.

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