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  • Don't know what to do with friend...

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    Old 01-22-2007, 07:34 PM   #1
    solcita
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    Don't know what to do with friend...

    I met him 4 years ago. We became instant friends. We were going through similar times in our lives.
    Then, when I started dating someone, he confesses he's been feeling things for me. I explained him why I thought he was just "confused", not really falling for me (he was very lonely around those days and I was the only one around). By that time I wasn't really the type of girl he was looking for.
    The last thing I wanted was to be involved in a really serious relationship, and he was saying he was ready to meet his wife. I was just starting school, and was going through really deep depression. And he was the type of guy to be in a serious relationship, and the fact that he was one of my best friends made it all a big deal.

    A couple of months after this confession (we remain being great friends) he started dating a girl, really quickly she moved in with him (she was having family issues and it was a "convenient" move).
    I never liked her... but I never ever told him that.

    Now... 2 and a half years later, I find myself listening how tired he is of this relationship, wanting to get out. Really sick and tired of this girl's behavior (she acts like a little kid most of the times, it seems he adopted a child). Most of the time he keeps comparing me to his gf, and obviously, I always win in his eyes. I'm mature, she's not. I'm inteligent, she can be very stupid. I know what I want in life, she doesn't know what she wants for dinner, and that kind of stupid things.

    What complicates the thing is that, I have to confess, the last month or so, I started having mixed feelings about him. And what confuses me is the fact that the last month he's been all flirty with me, saying sweet words the right moment I needed them, not treating me like "just a friend". He's been sending mixed signs as well.
    A couple of days ago we spent what my friends say "a bf/gf afternoon without the kissing".

    BUT: every single week he changes. One week came and said he was sure that she was hurting him, the relationship wasn't working out, she didn't do any good to him and he wanted to get out. The only thing stopping him was the fact that she was living with him and had no where to go. He said he needed "vacations from her".
    Then, this week he came saying that he was starting to take life week by week, and so far, this week's been good... so he's gonna remain in the relationship.

    This feelings I'm having don't really help me when I try to be a good friend. He keeps coming to me for advice, he likes me when I hear him... but I feel I can't really be any help right now because of what I'm feeling.
    How do I know that the advice I give him are for his good and not for mine?
    How can I be objective with this feelings I have?

    Oh, I think I forgot to mention that in this last month that we've been in touch every single day, he told me how his gf hates me and keep talking trash about me, even when she just saw me once in her life.
    Last Sunday she invited a friend over, and they kept talking all afternoon about me. He always says how much he defends me whenever she start talking bs about me... and he said that he left pretty clear how things are with me and if she doesn't like it, pitty for her, but things are this way and period.
    This confuses me, I don't know what he expects me to say when he says those things to me...

    Until now I remain calm. I didn't interfere in their relationship, but the girl talking bs about me is starting to upset me big time.
    I don't want to get to the point to tell him to stop talking about her, that I'm tired because after all, I'm his friend. Shouldn't I be willing to hear whatever he wants to say?

    I'M CONFUSED!! DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO... how can I be a good friend when I'm feeling I want to be more than just friends?

    Before you ask:
    1) I never liked her, even waaaaaaaaaaaay before feeling this way.
    2) He's not really OK with this relationship.

    OK, I better go. I'm really looking forward reading whatever you have to say.

    Thanx in advance,

    S.
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    Old 01-22-2007, 08:42 PM   #2
    Larrylou'smom
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    Re: Don't know what to do with friend...

    Well, first of all, this girl doesn't sound quite as stupid as you say she is. She obviously has picked up on the fact that you never liked her and that her boyfriend has the hots for you and you have the hots for him. She feels threatened, and she has good reason to feel threatened, and that's why she talks smack about you. I don't know if your feelig sfor him will allow you to be a truly objective platonic friend. As for his girlfriend, a more mature, self respecting woman would have left him by now, but she's probably just not all that experienced at love, and is still hoping he will come around and love her. I actually feel sorry for her. I'm an ex girlfriend who thought I was dating a nice, honest, sweet man who would never hurt or lie to me. i was wrong, and I don't have the words to explain how much it hurt to discover how wrong I was. Here I was thinking he was my friend and that he cared about me only to find, much like your friend, he was just biding his time till he could slink away and hope I'd "get the message" and disappear into the woodwork. I've been living with that pain for the better part of a decade and don't really see an end in sight. Your friend isn't doing anyone any favors by leading her on when he knows in his heart he will leave her one day. She may be a brat, immature, silly, etc. but she's still a human being, and unless they are being damaging and abusive, I belileve every human being deserves better than that. We all make mistakes and we all go into relationships with a learning curve.

    As to what you should do, well, I'm not sure there is much to do. This situation is getting a bit twisted, it sounds. You want him, he knows it, he wants you and you know it, and you'd be together but for the smack talking brat who won't just go away. Well, she hasn't gone away because he hasn't told her to. He needs to make a choice, and it seems he's doing everything in his power to keep from making that choice. He's convinced himself he's being a 'nice guy' by not breaking up with her, then running her down and disrespecting her behind her back to you, and defending the woman who hates her and who has "bf/gf afternoons " with her lover, and who wants her to go away to her face. If I were in her shoes 10 years ago, I'd be snotty and snarky, too. If I were in her shoes now, I'd just leave the jerk (he may be a great guy to you, but let's be honest, he's a jerk to her) but she's just not there yet. If I were in your shoes, I don't think I'd be comfortable hanging around him until he settles this business between him and his girlfriend. Her having nowhere else to go really isn't his responsibility, and again, being honest with her and letting her keep some self respect and a chance to get on her feet now instead of 6 months or 6 weeks or a year from now, whenever he works up the stones to get rid of her, which is what he really wants to do anyway. Why do men think they're doing us a favor by playing us for a fool? I'd tell him he needs to either be with her or give you a chance but he can't do both. And he can call me when he's made his choice.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 01-22-2007 at 09:33 PM.

     
    Old 01-23-2007, 03:56 AM   #3
    solcita
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    Re: Don't know what to do with friend...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    She obviously has picked up on the fact that you never liked her and that her boyfriend has the hots for you and you have the hots for him. She feels threatened, and she has good reason to feel threatened, and that's why she talks smack about you.
    I thought so too, but yesterday he told me that she hated me waaaaaaaaaay before we started contacting each other every day (we now have the same work schedule and chat most of the day). We were the type of friend who would write down an email whenever we wanted to tell each other something, we didn't need to be IN TOUCH all the time, so I wasn't at the picture at all for most of this last 2 years... She didn't know what I was doing with my life, but whatever I might be doing, she was sure it was wrong, stupid, etc...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    You want him, he knows it, he wants you and you know it, and you'd be together but for the smack talking brat who won't just go away. Well, she hasn't gone away because he hasn't told her to. He needs to make a choice, and it seems he's doing everything in his power to keep from making that choice. He's convinced himself he's being a 'nice guy' by not breaking up with her, then running her down and disrespecting her behind her back to you, and defending the woman who hates her and who has "bf/gf afternoons " with her lover, and who wants her to go away to her face.
    I'm very surprised about the fact that you think pretty much like I do. My friends keep telling me I need to have patience, that things "will work out"... I was setting a dead line in time for things to "work out" and they thought it was dumb. THe idea of him never taking the final decision makes me crazy, because in one way I feel "on hold until farther notice", and in the other, for her, "you're my gf as long as everything goes OK". Also, the way he treats her is a sign of how I could be treated by him in the future.
    If you were in a relationship that you don't wanna end, because let's say you do love the other person. Wouldn't you do everything in your power to make it work? Even when that means losing a friend... I mean, we haven't died because we didn't talk every single day, I don't know how things changed... I just wanna go back to the old days when I didn't care if he didn't write me this week... maybe he will next one. I want my friend back. Maybe with a little time apart I will. Taking my vacations sound like a very good idea to me right now


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    If I were in your shoes, I don't think I'd be comfortable hanging around him until he settles this business between him and his girlfriend. Her having nowhere else to go really isn't his responsibility, and again, being honest with her and letting her keep some self respect and a chance to get on her feet now instead of 6 months or 6 weeks or a year from now, whenever he works up the stones to get rid of her, which is what he really wants to do anyway. Why do men think they're doing us a favor by playing us for a fool? I'd tell him he needs to either be with her or give you a chance but he can't do both. And he can call me when he's made his choice.
    L'smom: Thank you very much for taking the time to write your opinion. I can see that I'm not the only one thinking this way!
    I'm very sorry for what you went through. Men can be very stupid when they don't know what to do, and the one getting hurt is always the girl who didn't even know there was problems at home.
    Once again, thank you very much for your reply,

    S.
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