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  • Getting really confused, why do ex's do this?

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    Old 02-14-2007, 10:42 AM   #1
    BC10
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    Getting really confused, why do ex's do this?

    Well if anyone of you have read my previous threads my ex and I have been chatting every so often since she broke off her engagement. She started it. The weekend she called it off she started IM'ing me with "just wanted to say hi" and I'd get messages from her asking to "pray for snow for her" so she can get off of school. I dont mind her IM'ing me, I actually like it, probably for all the wrong reasons but I cant lie to myself and say I dont. Every couple of days we'll engage in a conversation. Lately Ive been the one starting it. Last week we didnt speak for a few days and I got a forward email from her. Sure, it was just a forward that she sent it to about 10 people. Her best friend, her brother, a mutual friend, but still I think its weird that I was put back on her email list. I just mentioned to her that I thought it was funny and we chatted a bit. I mentioned to her that I was bartending at a friends bar for a concert that weekend. A few days went by without speaking and that night I got a text from her saying "have fun tonight" I was drunk so texted back to her and total I got 6 texts from her that night. One i thought was weird was to tell me her friends husband said he loves me. (as a joke im sure) still thought that was strange. Yesterday morning I woke up and there was a message from her online that said "snowmen-snow angels-no school or work-so many reasons why i <3 snow" I was glad she left me a message but was still wondering why she chose me to leave it too.

    Then today I checked my email and she sent me, one of those E-cards, saying "happy valentines day or anti valentines day which ever u prefer" She must have sent them out to several people as she signed it "Love you all <3"

    Maybe, well probably its just me, but I just dont get it. Sure we've been nice to each other the last month, but Im still her ex bf. I cant figure out if she's realy pressing for a good friendship with me? or its not even crossing her mind as she sends these things that I am her ex. I have tried to put out of the vibe that I am over her. SO maybe she doenst realize it messes with me. Im just not sure why someone, while being friendly or not, with an ex would send valentines ecards, put me back on her forward mailing list, and text on a friday night to tell me to have fun. LIke I said, maybe Im thinking on a totally different wavelength she is, and it doesnt even cross her mind anymore that we're ex's, and I probably shouldnt even give it a second thought either I just dont get the mentality of some ex gf's. It doesnt help that the girl I dated after her does nothing but make my ex look better with her behavior. Also, when I initiate a conversation with my ex, I kind of feel stupid like shes wondering why her ex bf woudl be IM'ing her. WHy woudl I feel that way when she started us talking again when she kept IMing every few nights after ending her engagement? Should I feel bad about talking to her first, since it was known I never wanted to break up to begin with? And there will be times when we're both online at the same time and neither of us speak, so I figure if she really wanted to talk to me she would message me more, I dunno. Im just confused

     
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    Old 02-15-2007, 12:06 AM   #2
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    Re: Getting really confused, why do ex's do this?

    Hi,

    I am very sorry she broke off the engagement.

    I think she may be staying on friendly terms for several reasons.
    1) She really does want to maintain some sort of friendship.
    2) She feels guilty about breaking off the engagement and does not want to "abandon" you by breaking off all contact
    3) She wants to keep you in her life somehow as a "back-up" in case she changes her mind.

    Well, let me tell you, you deserve to be so much more than a back-up.
    You know her better than we do; do you think any of those are possible reasons?

    It will be better for you to break off all contact, block her from your email, ask her to stop texting you or change your phone number, etc. Otherwise, you will not be able to start "moving on" as you have to keep analyzing her behavior and messages.

     
    Old 02-15-2007, 10:12 AM   #3
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    Re: Getting really confused, why do ex's do this?

    I don't think I've read your previous posts, so bare with my as I ask some quetsions...

    Was it your engagement that she broke off.. or was she engaged to someone after dating you? you said "her engagement" and not "our" so that's why I'm unsure.

    How did your relationship end, was it an ugly break up, or somewhat friendly?

    Ok.. there are a few general reasons why she may have started contact back up.

    - she may be at the "friend stage" with you, and assume that you are as well. If the break up ended on a "good" foot then this wouldn't be surprising. then her actions should only be read as friend, and nothing more.

    - if she dated someone after you, and just got out of the relationship, then she may be going back to what she knows, to what's comfortable, maybe not wanting a relationship, but wanting the familiarity.

    - she may miss you as a friend, or as a boyfriend and she is slowly testing the waters to see what kind of signals you send.

    - she may be keeping you in mind as "back up" and wants to stay or get back on good terms.

    There are probably more possible reasons... but really none of them matter. You need to ask yourself what you want. Do you want to be friends with her? Do you want her to be your girlfriend again? Does it bother/annoy you that she's so casually friendly with you again?

    If you want to be friends and nothing more then just continue with the way things are going. If you think you want this to go somewhere, then you'll have to talk to her about it at some point. If you don't want this casual "friendship" with her then either sever ties, or slowly distance yourself from her.

    Its not wrong for you to be talking with her, or to initiate conversation or be friends with her just because you broke up. I'm friends with a few of my ex. I found that we make better friends than we did a couple and its great! It takes time to get to that point though.

    I think you need to ask yourself those few questions though.... what do you want out of this? Then take it from there.

     
    Old 02-15-2007, 01:01 PM   #4
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    Re: Getting really confused, why do ex's do this?

    Im sorry I should have been more clear. Let me try and give you a quick run down.

    We dated over the summer close to 5 months. SHe owns a business and has a teaching job, so when that started she was busy and we saw each other less and less. SHe had to cancel plans on me all the time and it basically drove us apart. She told me how crazy and unorganized her life was and she needed to get it straightend out on her own. So she dumped me. Over the course of the next 3 weeks she would call, text and email. I contacted her one time. All the contact was from her. We never spoke of the relationship but talked on the phone just like we did when we dated. Well after awhile the contact from her stopped. And when I questioned her about it she told me that she had lost the spark and that she didnt see us being in a relationship. Her tune completely changed and i assumed she had met someone. Turns out she had gotten back together with a guy she was with for 6 years and engaged to him. The next time I saw her after I was drinking and hurt and basically just told her off, we spent the next few weeks beign really nasty to each other. It got ugly. About 6 weeks later she messaged me telling me she was engaged and how happy she was and that I made her realize what she was missing. I just told her I've moved on.

    Weeks and weeks went by that we didnt speak, I took her name off my IM list and everythign. All the sudden I got a message from her that said she wanted to clear the air about things since we were bound to run into each other somewhere and she didnt want it to be awkward. I just told her we havent seen or spoken to each other in 2 months so it didnt mater and I wanted the drama to stop.

    We went longer withhout speaking and at Christmas time, I dunno, I was just feeling something and IM'd her to tell her Merry Christmas. She thanked me and said the same. Later that week she wished me a happy new year and I told her the same. A couple weeks after the new year I found out she sent a mass text msg to everyone, includeing my friends gf's (they had become friends over our relationship) saying thta she had to follow her instincts and broke off the engagement. The next night she IM's me "just wanting to say hi" and we chatted. She said "I was shocked, but pleasently surprised with my New years wish, Thank You!" I just thought it was weird for her to be shocked since we told each other merry christmas the week before.

    Well every few days she's IM'd me for weird reasons liek asking me to pray for snow so she cuold get off school, and one time told me that her dog had finally been house trained, said she just had to share. So thats kind of how we've got to be friendly over the past month. It was just weird cuz this all started the day after she broke off her engagement. At first it was just little IM's like the ones about hoping for snow. Then this past friday she text me to tell me have fun bartending at our friends bar that night. Like I said, Im sure its nothing to even bother with but I was just trying to somehow get into a dumpers head. After our ugly breakup, why am I the one she told about her dog, why would she text me on a friday night, when she sends forward emails, why is it to only her two brothers and myself?

    LIke I said, I also dont tihnk its much becasue sometimes we will bother be online and she wont say a word to me for hours. And sometimes we do talk, it used to be a "nite" now she just quickly says ttyl. But I dunno, I get that we are friendly, but we're still ex's ya know.

    SOrry that was exactly short and sweet, but its a looong story. Thanks anyone for listening and thanks for your advice.

     
    Old 02-15-2007, 01:07 PM   #5
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    Re: Getting really confused, why do ex's do this?

    I haven't read your previous posts either. I don't know who broke up with whom but she was romantically attached to you at one point and she isn't going to easily forget that.
    She may only want to remain friends, even though she may not be completely sure how she feels or what she desires from you.
    There have been times I thought I was over an ex-boyfriend only to have things re-kindled when I saw him again. Sometimes I only wanted to be friends, even though I still had feelings left. What I guess I'm saying is that even if she only wants friendship from you, she likely has some feelings left for you and misses you because you were in a relationship at one time.
    I would suggest being blunt and asking her if she wants to continue being just friends, and accept her answer without trying to read too much into her confusing behavior.

    Last edited by Lydia111; 02-15-2007 at 01:11 PM.

     
    Old 02-15-2007, 01:35 PM   #6
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    Re: Getting really confused, why do ex's do this?

    I could be wrong because I'm not her, but it sounds like she is talking to you out of guilt or loneliness. You said she just ended an engagement. Maybe she is reaching out to you to give her that "I am still desired" feeling. She only texts or emails, it not like she is trying to meet up with you and catch up. If she were really trying to be friends I would think she would at least do this.

    I don't know. Some women just can't be alone and when they are they try to get back in contact with one of their exes that they think will talk to them and give them that ego boost they need to go out and find their next conquest. One of my best friends is like that. She just can't not have male attention.

    Like I said, I don't know her so I can't say for sure. I just wouldn't read too much into it.

     
    Old 02-15-2007, 08:04 PM   #7
    Dr. Goat
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    Re: Getting really confused, why do ex's do this?

    hey i kinda had a similair situation.

    you can skip to the bottom if u want to just get straight to my advice, but i included some of my backround in my ended relationship.

    i started dating this girl after we started hanging out alot one on one...got closer and kinda fell into a relationship.

    she has ALOT of problems, and a kid. I wasn't prepared for either of these, but i remained by her side and there for her anytime she needed me for any reason. and after a while i even got attached to her lovely son (about a year old). As time went by it became how apparently impulsive and buisy she always is.

    as time went by and we got closer we also started having the fights. she is always doing something and has ALOT of friends. i on the otherhand have no friends and spend most of my time alone, becuase of difficulty socialy interacting with other people...plus i've always been a loner...i've always had no more than 1 or 2 close friends and i only hang out with them. So after time this became hard to deal with...i felt used, ditched, and i just felt like a side dish in her life. someone she knew wuld always be there for her...so she can just get in touch with me whenever she isn't buisy doing something more important.

    i tried very hard to get over and fight jelousies (she's a bit of a man magnet). I also tried to learn how to enjoy myself when she's not arround so i'm not so clingy and needy or possesive. these problems i know I have, but i've learned to accept them as a part of rather my darkside (everyone has a darkside and the only way to beat it is to make it your friend IMO) then hate myself for being that way and not giving myself a chance to forgive myself so i can move on and progress.

    anyway less about me more about you so...

    she finnaly broke up with me...i'm still not completely sure why, but she has a fear of commitment and told me if she didn't break it off now and we got to close she wuldn't be able to be my friend after the break up. so my best guess is she realized it wuldn't work and broke it off before thigns got heavier. however she did not realize that maybe i was already past that point of not being able to be friends after word

    i thought about her everyday, everytime the phone rang i'd jump up. she started working a new job and worked many hours so about a month and a half after we broke up i only saw her once and talked twice.

    at this point i was beggening to hate her. i hated her for not being able to make more time for me...always being buisy and not taking care of herself and a whole list of things.

    one day she finnaly called me and sensed something was wrong, i told her how i felt and she became defensive at which point i said, i never want to see you again.

    it might have been harsh, but i've learned from alot of expierence in the past is that...

    hoping something is still there...is a bad idea. She said, she culdn't be for me what she needs to be and had to "work on that". i kept thinking things will change...she will shape up get her life in order and be able to handle me alongside with her responsibilities in life, but i found out people don't change.

    yes we can change somewhat, but we will always be who we are our habbits lifestyles and such, unless we go through a period of enlightenemnt which only happens for a few select lucky people...or usualy when people hit middle age and find out they don't have alot of time left and NEED to change

    so anyway. don't wait for her. don't get your hopes up. and if you find yourself only having questions and confusions after talking to her thats not healthy. you don't have to be like me and say "i never want to see you again", becuase at that point i hated her so much for everything, but it is ok to ask her to not talk to you anymore.

    just say i still have so many lingering feelings and i need to stop having contact with you. then you can say things to her the way she said them to you. you can say, maybe someday when i get over u we can talk again, but i don't know when that is.

    that way you've been polite, you've left HER with that "hope" (hehe). and then when your comfortable that your over her u can then decide if u want to open up that can of worms again or just move on in your life and learn from her as to what you will want in your next partner.

    for me i've learned i need someone who has a more laid back easy life...that we can both make time for eachother alot and always be there for eachother. just kinda be mellow people that don't need to constantly be buisy all the time and have a very rushed buisy buisy lifestyle that i just can't put up with for very long.

    so if "being her friend" leaves u only with questions, confusion, and a hope the spark will reignite, let her go and get distance.

    otherwise you will end up getting your hopes up and then let down everytime. a vicious cycle that only ends in sadness and or anger. when you finnaly agree to yourself it's over now, i just need to figure out how to fill the gap, you will be better off.

    girls don't realize sometimes what they do. they don't realize men are very emotional beings too and get hurt very easily. they think being friends is the nice way thing to do after a break up. although most of the time they do it out of guilt becuase they feel bad...or still have feelings for you and want to stay in touch SOME way to keep that door open so to speak, but buddy close that ****in door cuz it's COLD out there and u need to stay warm and comfortable heh.

    nobody is worth waiting for after THEY left YOU. it's hard, but it's the truth.

    love is all about...timing. you could meet the love of your life for only 1 day, but then never see them again. it's just a matter of finding that love in the right place at the right time, to make it last.

    love is blind, and also never wears a watch! good luck...just get over it...time heals all wounds

    Last edited by Dr. Goat; 02-15-2007 at 08:12 PM.

     
    Old 02-16-2007, 11:06 AM   #8
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    Re: Getting really confused, why do ex's do this?

    Since I'm not her, or in her head.. I have no idea what she's actually feeling.. so I'm just going to advice that you be careful.

    Having just broken off an engagement, she could easily have been rebounding... as I said before, just looking for something comfortable.

    Her actions aren't so loud or obvious enough for you to really draw any conclusion other than that maybe you can just be friends.

    With a comment like, " i was surprised at my New Year's wish... " sounds like she was "playing dumb," trying to feel you out. (unfortunately alot of game playing occurs between guys and girls, as I'm sure you already know.) As you said, having messaged each other at Christmas, a New Years wish a few days later really shouldn't have come as such a surprise.

    I think maybe she was lonely and confused after breaking off her engagement, probably having second thoughts about leaving you and leaving her ex-fiance. If she's backed off since, then she could have realized a few things; she still has feeling for you and is scared to act on it, she was wrong about feelings she thought may have resurfaced and is now backing off not wanting to lead you on, just wants to be friends and the transition is awkward.

    I'm running long here... point is.. there could be numerous explanations for her actions, but I stil think they are of less importance than you knowing what you want out of this.

    Unless you ask her flat out what she's thinking and feeling, you won't know. If you want something more than friendship with her, then I would talk to her about what's up. If that's not on your mind, or you're neutral on the topic, then I would just let things happen on their own... go with the flow.

    Good luck.

     
    Old 02-19-2007, 04:20 PM   #9
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    Re: Getting really confused, why do ex's do this?

    Thanks Jen and everyone else for taking the time to read thru my problems and offer ur opinions. Im beginning to think maybe she was just feeling guilty or something cuz it has trailed off. Before it was all her IM"ing me. But now we'll be online for several hours at a time and she wont say a word. She did kind of irratate me last week tho. I started talking to her and she was asking how the bartending went last weekend. Then she said "I had to laugh, cuz you were texting like crazy I figured you had to be drunk" Now she was the one that text me first out of the blue and by the end of the night she had texted me 6 times while I only texted her 4. But yet she brings up how I was the one crazy texting. Then I come home friday night and she left me another IM message telling me she was off school that day again and that my away messages were always so funny. Then last night we were both online for a few hours so i just started talking to her. All she seemd to be talking about was how fall over drunk she had gotten on saturday. Like I really want to hear that. All I can do is picture her partying it up with guys and being really drunk and meeting someone, i dunno. So I just changed the subject about how i was thinking of getting a dog and one of the kinds i was thinking about was the same kind she had. She responded with "oooooooohhhhhh he (her dog) would love it!" then said she was thinking of breeding hers and would let me know. I dunno why I even brought that up but it seemed weird like she was implying that her dog would love my new dog.

    Everyone keeps saying I need to first figure out what I want, if im comfortable with a friendship or not. I guess im really not sure. I do miss her, I like talking to her, I like getting messages and even forward emails from her, makes me on some small level feel like she's thinking of me. But then somedays I'll think about it and think maybe I should just go into NC again. Maybe its just in my head but she's the one that started the contact again after her breakup, she's the one that has left me messages when i was away on the computer, and shes the one that started the night of texting last weekend. Yet when I leave her a message, or I initiate a conversation I always feel like she thinks im just talking to her cuz i like her and that maybe she doesnt want to talk to me. LIke with her trying to deflect the blame on me abuot the text messaging. I dont know, maybe I should just drop this whole thing and let whatever happens happen, but then I think I need to tell her how I feel and just let her know its not going to be as easy for me to be friends as I had thought.

     
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