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    Old 02-24-2007, 06:36 PM   #16
    soulster
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    Re: Recently married and arguing constantly

    At first I thought your husband had custody of the son... but it seems nowthat was wrong and the son is with the mother, right??? Not too sure... Anyhow, I dont understand why you are getting so upset over a phone call on the day following your wedding from the ex??? I mean was it just one phone call that whole entire day or was it a phone call every hour or if it was just one phone call, was your husband on the phone with her for an hour or more? Just one phone call- I am guessing a few minutes... is there more to this than whats at surface, because if not you are making a big issue out of this.. it seems you may have problems controlling your anger... and besides that -why are you getting angry at him over what you think his ex is trying to do- it is not his fault- so why brew up a fight with him over something his ex is doing??? I honestly dont get that whole thing at all? And to be honest... your husband asking you not to wear personal items that were given to you by your exs is not an unreasonable request... if my husband suddenly started wearing a tie pin that his ex gave him, I would be very hurt. I thing you need to mature into this marriage... you seem like you are a bit young but with time I think you will learn what you need to do to make the marriage work. Its just all new right now and couples do fight a lot in the begginning... its the ones that learn to change and compromise that survive it.

     
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    Old 02-25-2007, 08:49 AM   #17
    prairie_dawn
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    Re: Recently married and arguing constantly

    soulster brought up something I didnt want to but now it was said i will ....

    I do think that you are all young yet his ex has been there done that and didnt want to deal with his childish lack of support and dumped him. He might have married her to do the "right" thing but he was no wear near ready to be in a marriage with her and she knew. Lets hope he grows up before you realize the same thing. Matturity has a huge part in a marriage. I am certainly not the same woman I was wehn dating my husband 10 years ago. I"m 33 now and was 23 then and let me tell ya its hard work to keep a marriage going. If youdont have what it takes then make sure there are no kids involved before you go further.

     
    Old 02-25-2007, 03:42 PM   #18
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    Re: Recently married and arguing constantly

    and defintaley dont start an argument with him when he asks you not to wear personal items given to you by your exes!!! He is right on that one.... I couldnt even grasp wearing my exes jewerly infront of my husband... and if I did, I wouldnt tell him they were from my ex- that is just cruel and unusual punishment!!.... I think you have a lot to learn.

    Last edited by soulster; 02-25-2007 at 04:38 PM.

     
    Old 02-25-2007, 08:36 PM   #19
    prairie_dawn
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    Re: Recently married and arguing constantly

    I beleive soulster is right. No matter what happens now in the future or in the past, you both have a lot of growing to do as well all did. Dont think we are putting you down, we're just telling it like we had to learn it. Respect is a very good word. Demand it but also give it. What ever the reasons his ex left, if you are going through the same things or have your own issues I am sure you will get through with love, understanding, maybe some yelling and the dog house always works but the most important thing is to always give respect and make sure it is given to you. I would never wear something someone has given me that was an ex. I got rid of all that stuff a long time ago. Maybe you could sell them and buy something nice for yourself. Maybe even the same kind of thing but it would be "yours" then. Or have dh pick it out. It couldbe something you "BOTH" do together. Marriage is hard work and it's about learning and teaching eachother what to do and what not to do basically. My dh and I tease eachother and say there is no way we would leave eachother.! Cuz we wouldnt want to have to deal with someones elses new crap! we like the crap we already know.! LOL This marriage I hope lasts for ever. Remember you are a stepmom now and have another woman in your life that you need as an ally. If you are going ot be a stepmom the best thing is for the mom to like you because the way to get the stepchild to listen to you best is knowing that his mom will be on your side. Just a little FYI for ya! Dont over do it, but when she calls just say hi how are ya. It will fall into place. And if dh gets into a fight wiht her about something be supportive of him but honestly if you think he is wrong talk to him about it. Dont fight over it but talk about yoru feelings, you might see something that the two of them dont. Good luck

     
    Old 02-26-2007, 07:02 AM   #20
    Betty Bee
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    Re: Recently married and arguing constantly

    First of all...Why are you all pretending to know what is going on in my relationship.???? I NEVER said my husband has the same issues now that he had with his wife, nor did I say that is why they broke up, because that is not the case. AND Second, I never said I argued with him about the earrings!!!! I agreed with him and gave them to my sister!!! It was just a scenario I wanted to throw out there to see what anyone's opinions are.

    Yes, I do talk to his ex on the phone, say hello how are you....On Sundays I sometimes pick up my step son and see her. I'm not this immature person who is so self centered that I would not bother to give her the time of day!! Every Mother's Day my step son and I shop for a mother's day present for her. I said I wasn't sure what kind of relationship I should have with her, and I wasn't even sure if this constitutes s a relationship just because we exchange pleasantries.

    My point with the phone call is this: There was no emergency, it was the day after our wedding, and yes, I wanted to spend some alone time with my husband. I was not mad at him for taking the call...I was mad that she would call for a ridiculous reason!! The reason is that their son was having trouble falling asleep!!!! We have his son 7 days on 7 days off...50% custody in case you were wondering.

    We have all been in counseling together...(my husband, his ex and I) to do what is best for their son....We went to couseling together for almost 3 months last year. I have done everything I can to make his ex comfortable, my husband comfortable, and do everything I can in my power to help raise a happy boy.

    All I'm looking for is a little respect and consideration on her part!! AND to have boundries and understand we have a life too! As I said before...Just because she has a child with my husband does not give her the right to call anytime she feels like it! My husband is so concerned about his well being that sometimes she does "play him like a puppet" and it's not right!

    So please, before you make judgements and assume what is going on, try getting the whole story.

     
    Old 02-26-2007, 09:19 AM   #21
    Betty Bee
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    Re: Recently married and arguing constantly

    Just want to comment regarding what I previously wrote:

    "AND Second, I never said I argued with him about the earrings!!!! I agreed with him and gave them to my sister!!! It was just a scenario I wanted to throw out there to see what anyone's opinions are. "


    Initially we did not argue about the earrings. He said he was uncomfortable with me wearing them and I agreed to not wear them anymore. After a few days he asked me about them...If I still plan on wearing them. I said no, but then it continued. Then I got upset and we argued because we continued to discuss the same topic over and over.

    I did get upset about the phone call.. I was venting to him how upset I was that she called and then it turned into an argument. He said he thought I was mad at him and then he got defensive, hence the argument. Sometimes If I'm mad about something I need to vent and my husband thinks I'm mad at him. It is very possible I need to learn how to stop being so reactive, or learn how to control my anger better, then maybe he won't feel like I'm upset with him.

    I appreciate all your responses and it has definitely made me examine myself. I know it's hard for you all to understand and you are trying to share your experiences...I"m sure some of you are a bit biased according to your experiences. I'm not always the best communicator either, but I will take some of your advise to heart.

    Last edited by Betty Bee; 02-26-2007 at 09:21 AM.

     
    Old 02-26-2007, 09:56 AM   #22
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    Re: Recently married and arguing constantly

    Bettybee, from what you've said, if you've spent three months in counselling with your husband and his ex, and you are helping to raise their son 50% of your time, you have already gone above and beyond what A LOT of women would do in the best interests of the child. I congratulate you for it.

    I am in disagreement with a lot of the posters who feel that you overreacted about that phone call that came ONE DAY into your marraige!!! She'd have had every right to call had it been some sort of emergency, but in your shoes I'd also have felt that she showed a total lack of consideration and respect by making a call one day after your wedding over such a trivial thing as the child having difficulty sleeping. In your shoes, I'd suspect this was her way of communicating 'I'm still here, and my position is as valid as it was yesterday morning'; pretty petty and immature if you ask me. I dont blame you for being ******, I would be too. Just be careful silly games like this are not allowed to damage the fabric of your marraige.

     
    Old 02-26-2007, 01:22 PM   #23
    Betty Bee
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    Re: Recently married and arguing constantly

    Laylah....Thank you for your response, support and words of encouragement. It means a lot.

     
    Old 02-26-2007, 01:56 PM   #24
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    Re: Recently married and arguing constantly

    No problem hon {{hug}}

    I think in your position I would be keeping an eye on my husbands behaviour and measuring it against hers, I'd be doing a bit of comparing re behaviour to gauge what is considered normal behaviour here. What I'm getting at is this: Would your husband ever dream of calling her the day after HER wedding to ask advice or look for support over something as easily managed as the child having difficulty sleeping? No? I didnt think so. When something feels wrong and smells wrong, it's usually wrong. I dont want anyone to misconstrue what I'm saying here, though no doubt some people will. I'll give you a little bit of my background to give you an idea of where I'm coming from:

    When I found out I was pregnant the biological father of my child disappeared - later that day! So when I refer to my sons father here, I am talking about the man who raised him with me. He held my hand in the delivery ward, loved my son as his own and WAS my sons father, in every way that mattered. We separated when my son was 4 1/2, but in the four years that followed that, until the day he died, my sons father took him almost every weekend, about four weekends out of five. He'd pick him up from school friday and I wouldnt see the child till sunday night. Everything was fine for the first year or so - until he met his new girlfriend.

    She was so embittered with jealousy it was unreal. I knew by her behaviour that she had serious issues, but I actually didnt know the half of it until my sons father died and his mother told me about the constant tearful phonecalls she was bombarded with regarding her boyfriends relationship with his son. His girlfriend didnt regard him to be his son at all, and because there was no blood link she felt terribly cheated and angry and bitter towards my son, who, God love him, was only a little boy who loved the man he'd always known to be his dad. She caused all sorts of problems, even trying to stop my ex turning up for our sons communion day when he was seven years old!

    I never interfered with their relationship, I had moved on and was happy to have done, things hadnt worked out between us but he was still a great dad and that was all I wanted from him. I really see your side of this Bettybee, because all I wanted was a woman who'd be accepting of and kind to my little boy. From what you've said, you have gone to lengths with this child that I wouldnt have dared hope for in a girlfriend of his. I wasnt asking her to sit in mediation for months or to give 50% of her time towards raising my son, and with all that she put us through, to have even thought of an attitude like that would have boggled my mind! As I've said, it just would have been too much to hope for. Dont listen to any nonsense Bettybee, because having been in the other womans shoes, I can tell you, in short I'd have given a lot for him to have found my son a stepmom like you.

    Last edited by Laylah; 02-26-2007 at 02:01 PM. Reason: had to clarify something

     
    Old 02-26-2007, 03:45 PM   #25
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    Re: Recently married and arguing constantly

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Betty Bee View Post
    Sometimes If I'm mad about something I need to vent and my husband thinks I'm mad at him. It is very possible I need to learn how to stop being so reactive, or learn how to control my anger better, then maybe he won't feel like I'm upset with him..
    You kind of gave us very little info to go on such as the arguments being over him asking you not to wear, have personal items given to you by your exes and you left it at that so we drew our own conclusions and arguments over your husbands ex calling.... I dont really understand if you were in agreement to not hold in your possession any ex items infront of him, why he would get angry??? Dont know, but I do know from personal experience that one little thing can trigger an argument between a husband and wife.
    I do agree that maybe you should not vent infront of your husband too much... most guys dont like when women shout and yell even if it is not directed at them because they always feel somehow that it is! So my best advice to you is get your anger, fustrations under control around hubby and if you need to vent call up a girlfriend or something or take it up with the source bringing about the need for the venting episodes.

    Last edited by soulster; 02-26-2007 at 04:39 PM.

     
    Old 02-27-2007, 06:53 AM   #26
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    Re: Recently married and arguing constantly

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by soulster View Post
    You kind of gave us very little info to go on such as the arguments being over him asking you not to wear, have personal items given to you by your exes and you left it at that so we drew our own conclusions and arguments over your husbands ex calling.... I dont really understand if you were in agreement to not hold in your possession any ex items infront of him, why he would get angry??? Dont know, but I do know from personal experience that one little thing can trigger an argument between a husband and wife.
    I do agree that maybe you should not vent infront of your husband too much... most guys dont like when women shout and yell even if it is not directed at them because they always feel somehow that it is! So my best advice to you is get your anger, fustrations under control around hubby and if you need to vent call up a girlfriend or something or take it up with the source bringing about the need for the venting episodes.


    Thanks

     
    Old 02-27-2007, 07:03 AM   #27
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    Re: Recently married and arguing constantly

    Yeah i'm in agreement with soulster. You gave us little info. But hey good luck and I hope you have a good relationship with the stepson and the ex because you will be with them both for the rest of your life. Hugs to you!

     
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