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Betty Bee 02-22-2007 04:24 AM

Recently married and arguing constantly
My husband and I were married just a few weeks ago. Since then we have been fighting over everything. It started with an argument regarding his ex wife. We had been married only one day and she phoned him to discuss her concerns over their son. I was livid. For once I just want one moment in my life with my husband without the reminder of his ex wife. The day after the wedding was one of them. I felt she was disrespectful and inconsiderate. What if we were on our honeymoon??

Anyway, after that argument everything went downhill. We fight over everything. Little issues, big issues...nothing is left alone. There is not one night he isn't picking on me about something and vice versa. We butt heads constantly. We are alike in a lot of ways and so different in others. I need some advice on how to stop the fighting!! We argued a lot before we were married, but since we put the rings on our fingers it has gotten worse!! Help!

prairie_dawn 02-22-2007 05:51 AM

Re: Recently married and arguing constantly
Betty bee the arguing before marriage might have been a prelude to what was to be expected. I am not sure if you have a child with him but I would think long and hard before doing so if you havnet. He does have an ex wife and she will always be in your life as long as their son is alive. She is the mother of his child and no matter how you think about it it will never change. You have to adjust to the fact that you are married to a man with two others(an ex wife and a kid). Did she know you were gong on a honeymoon? If she kenw you werent then she knew you would be home. Maybe what she needed to talk to him about was important to her. You are the stepmother now so you need to make a relationship with her and her son. It is best to have a good relationship with her and be her ally then to argue with her.

If he argues with you about her and other things then I would seriously think about this relationship before you go further. You argued before this and have gotten worse, what it the argueing over? If its her and you think that in time it will go away I would have to say it wont, she will never go away so just realize that and thikn about what yo uwant to do. I am not saying to do anything harsh; just think about the argueing and the fighting now and think of your future? Is this what you want? can you fix it? Are the one who is looking for the fights because you feel threatened that he has an ex wife? Because you might not like her you might think that everytime she calls is so she can stab you in the back.... Let me tell ya I'm an exwife(exhusband has no other kids or ever got remarried) and my ex and I realized that we have to get along and my husband and I have a good relationship with him. You have to work at a marriage to make it work and sometimes it doesnt help. You have to look at the big picture real well before doing anything else. Trying to instill rules like she can only call on certain days or times is useless and not very nice in her eyes. REmember you only know how she was during their marriage from what he says. He actually might have been the pain in the butt. MIght even be a good idea to find out what broke them up. She ight have gotten sick with his arguing as well. :) Good luck

Betty Bee 02-22-2007 06:14 AM

Re: Recently married and arguing constantly
It is difficult with the ex in the picture. Most of the time I am fine with it and we have set boundries, but I really just wanted to spend time with my new husband....with just my new reminders, no stress, no child...for just one night! Is that asking too much? And yes, I do feel that the ex has a way of calling and interrupting on purpose. I feel like she is doing these things to claim her territory. I feel like she knows exactly what she is doing. I feel she has no respect or consideration for our relationship when she called the day after our wedding...and no, she had no idea if we were going on a homeymoon or not. If the tables were turned I would think that maybe the new married couple wants some alone time and think twice about calling the day after the wedding. Am I wrong for this?

Anyway..the arguments are strange. I had a pair of diamond earrings from an old boyfriend and he asked me not to wear them anymore because he thinks that when I wear them I am thinking of my old boyfriend. I have a bookcase that a boyfriend help me put together and he has an issue with it. He asked me if my bed that I brought into the house had any other guys beside him in it. I t's almost like he wants to erase my past and I his. Is this an insecurity issue...what is going on????

prairie_dawn 02-22-2007 07:35 AM

Re: Recently married and arguing constantly
as far as you having a day that was just yours. well when there is a child involved there is no such thing, weather that child is yours or not. You certainly would be po'd if you tried calling and ex husband about something regarding your child and he "didnt" answer no matter what the reason. Right? His ex wife is his ex for a reason. Weather she dumped him which if she did I can bet is was due to the same exact problems that you are having. (sorry to say but most likely true) but if he was the one doing the divorcing it most likely was that he didnt want to hear her nag him anymore becuase he is so insucure as well. Sorry to say this but he seems like he is too immature for this relationship/marriage thing. Did you tell him ok you wouldnt wear them or use the bookcase? Do you see where this might lead in the future? Does he not think that letting you talk to other men or woman is ok? does he think you will leave him just because you have freinds that are men. I dont mean have male freinds I do mean that if you have female freinds and they have husbands does he get upset with you if are talking with the husband? see where i'm going here?

You were wrong in thinking your life will be great when you marry into an ex and child relationship. It isnt and just as marriage is very hard work(and let me tell ya it is) so is a marriage with an ex and child. Dont get sucked into being someone you arent. Do the right thing and think long and hard about what you SEE in the future for the both of you AND your stepchild and his mother. There is no cure for extended family so think about where you want to be and what you imagined this would look like.

Unless you know this ex wife to be still in love with him and want him back I would have to say that she doesnt give two hoots about what you and him are doing. She is just making sure that the check is on it's way and he is taking care of the kid when she isnt around. I would surely try to get along with her and have a good relationship with her. That is something that should have been established prior to your mairrage. Regardless of what your husband says to you, YOU need to have a good relationship with her evne if he doesn.t You will eventually be careing for this child and you will have an impact on the childs life as well. Get use to it becuase this is what you married into. That is why I say please think before you yourself bring a child into this world while married to someone whom you might not want to stay with due to the problems. Good luck

jo5086 02-22-2007 07:51 AM

Re: Recently married and arguing constantly
[B]she phoned him to discuss her concerns over their son. I was livid. For once I just want one moment in my life with my husband without the reminder of his ex wife.[/B]

i agree with the previous posters about you being stuck with this kind of behaviour...honestly if i had concerns about my son, i wouldn't care that my ex got married the day before. so what? relationships may come and go, but his son will be there FOREVER. and yu have gotten yourself into a sticky situation if you think you have the right to be angry regarding when your husband should or should not be notified of concerns over his son. i believe this is one area where you have to back down and lower your standards of perfection. you are setting yourself up for disappointment. i mean, if she clled once every hour i can see setting up boundaries, but when she just valled, was it a valid reason? do you even know?

[B]I t's almost like he wants to erase my past and I his[/B]

so you act the same way towards him?

vintagegirl 02-22-2007 08:31 AM

Re: Recently married and arguing constantly
Yup...there is no such thing as having the father of someone else's kid all to yourself. I'm surprised you didn't know this before getting married. Was the ex intrusive while you were dating, or have you noticed an increase in her calling since the wedding day? Sounds like he is picking fights about [I]your [/I]exes because you are mad at his. He's trying to level the playing field, even though he's going about it in a rather desperate way. Comparing diamond earrings and bookcases to an ex and a child is apples to oranges. Did he bring up your exes before the wedding? If you argued a lot before you got married, there's no reason to believe it will change now that you are. Like the other posters said, you're stuck with the ex and the child and you're going to have to find a way to get along with them. Sometimes killing with kindness can go a long way. She wouldn't know what to think, and you might then have some grounds to make some demands of him.

tarheel247 02-22-2007 10:54 AM

Re: Recently married and arguing constantly
ex's with children involved are forever. i am an ex with kids and my bf has kids with his ex. my ex's gf has a kid with her ex. my ex and i only talk when it is important stuff about the kids. my bf's ex calls about every little thing. but we know for sure she is playing mind games. anyway theres nothing you can do about it when there are children to deal with. you either love him enough to deal with it or you don't and should move on.

as for him wanting you to get rid of all your old bf's stuff. thats not a bad thing to want someone to do. my bf and i did just that when we moved in together. we wanted to have stuff that was ours and didn't have memories of anyone else with it. jewelry and a bed is prob the most popular items to get rid of in that situation. :rolleyes:

happymom28 02-22-2007 11:30 AM

Re: Recently married and arguing constantly
I agree. You will never have time for just you and him when there is a child involved. If you really thought that would be the case then you were really fooling yourself. You knew when you dated/married him he had a child and an ex wife. By saying "I do" you accepted their being in your life for better or worse.

I am an ex wife of an abusive control freak. In the beginning he still had a relationship with my daughter. He had a new girlfriend whose head he filled with one lie after another about me. The day she called me yelling about having stolen money from her bank account (and I still don't get that one) I decided to set her straight. We talked for over an hour and when all was said and done she admitted to me that he had pushed her. I did convince her that she deserved a man who was truthful to her and that she should never put up with anyone putting hands on her. That was the end of their relationship, and the beginning of the end of his relationship with our daughter.

The reason I am telling you this is because all you know is his side. He definately sounds like he has jealously issues among others. I am willing to bet this is why he and his ex are divorced. Have you ever taken the time to talk to her? My guess is your husband doesn't want you to have any relationship with her and paints her to be a monster who is still in love with him (or something equally as ridiculous). You should really try to bridge the gap between you if you plan on staying married to your husband or you are going to be in for one miserable marriage. Who knows, you could wind up really good friends. I've seen it happen (although not in my case!).

Betty Bee 02-23-2007 10:03 AM

Re: Recently married and arguing constantly
Some of you are being a bit harsh...I never expected things to change just because we are married now. We have had our difficulties with boundries with his ex in the past..and YES I do understand my step son comes first and his ex will ALWAYS be in the picture because of that.

My issue is the call from the ex wife was literally petty. I do believe she should have some consideration to our privacy...we do! It was not an emergency!! And my husband certainly does not call her for petty problems...because he respects their privacy(ex and husband).My point is that the phone call could have waited!! It was not necessary at the time. I'm just frustrated and I'm sure I'll get over it but I was just feeling bad and was looking for a little support...or maybe looking for someone who understands my situation..for

susieq0726 02-23-2007 10:36 AM

Re: Recently married and arguing constantly
Unfortunately you are stuck with her until at least the child turns 18. There is a reason your husband is no longer married to her, and she probably doesn't care that the two of you married the day before.
I used to date a man with two young kids and his ex drove me nuts. We would have plans to do something on his off weekends and the ex would call Thursday night and pretty much demand he take them on the weekend he wasn't supposed to so SHE could do something. Bottom line: She just didn't care what we had going on.
The two of you will more than likely ALWAYS have fights where she is concerned. But if I were you, I would be more worried about the petty fights you are having over things like the diamond earrings.

prairie_dawn 02-23-2007 12:24 PM

Re: Recently married and arguing constantly
Betty bee we do understand your situation that is why we are trying to be straight with you about it. She's there in your life, get to know her. We said a lot of things but you didnt mention if you ever tried to have a relationship with her or you just go by what yrou dh says about her. You didnt comment on what she called for so i cant say it was petty or not. But being a mother myself if i called my ex and asked him something (what ever it was) and he blew me off I guarentee i would blow up. I dont care who he is with, my time isnt going to be wasted calling my ex back just because he has someone over or his wife(he doesnt have a wife) or girlfriend didnt want me to call right that very second. I am a 33 year old who has a life and responsibilities and when I get a chance to call ex about something as long as it's before 9pm(that is might limit to call anyone except my sister) then I except not to be blown off. If he says can i call you back or something like that I am fine with that. Your husband didnt have to answer that phone or even stay on the phone with her when he picked it up. Unless you picked up that phone and heard their conversation you have no idea except for what he says to you about what she says. Sorry since you havent said that you have a relationship with her I can only assume your husband has done a great job in you thinking exwife is a witch.

we are not typing this with anger we are typing this to help you realize that this is life. And this IS YOUR future. Think before you move forward with all of the anger you have him your heart. If you are this upset just for a phone call the day after your wedding then I cant imagine what you'll be like if she calls when she doesnt know it's your birthday.

Betty Bee 02-24-2007 04:53 AM

Re: Recently married and arguing constantly
I don't really have a relationship with her...and I'm not sure what kind of relationship I should have with her. My ex has told me stories of why they broke up. She left him, apparently she treated him badly, they got pregnanat at a young age and she thought they were mature enough to get married and make it work. He never wanted to marry but thought it was the right thing to do at the time. His family is very catholic and put a lot of pressure on him to do the right thing. I don't really care why they divorced...I'm just concerned about my relationship. I'm married to this man, and married I will stay. I just want to stop the bickering and fighting. I understand about the diamond earrings because we both want to start fresh in our marriage. I know he has his insecurities but we fight about the smallest things...I can deal with talking out our differences but we yell and scream about our differences and our feelings because we want so badly for the other to understand how we are feeling. Then we don't accept what the other says...It's like we can't agree to disagree. Sometimes I feel like it's a huge power struggle??????

So about creating a relationship with the ex..How do I go about that and what is the reasoning behind it? There have been certain petty issues that I don't want to get into. I'm trying to put myself in her shoes, but I still do not feel the ex has a right call whenever the heck she feels like just because she has a child with my husband. I will try to be more sensitive to the situation as I can, and you guys have made me see that I need to be a bit more sensitive. I'm just not sure how to go about establishing a relationship with her. I'm not sure how my husband would feel about it either (not that it matters because I want to do what is best for everybody).

prairie_dawn 02-24-2007 11:53 AM

Re: Recently married and arguing constantly
[COLOR="Red"]She left him, apparently she treated him badly, [/COLOR] THAT would have given me a clue! This is exactly what you are going through with him.

[COLOR="red"]I don't really care why they divorced...I'm just concerned about my relationship.[/COLOR] YOu should be concerned because again you are going through the same thing!

Cant even reply about the rest because this was the way he was before you got married and now you want to change it. It doesnt work that way. Not being mean, just realistic. He was that way before her and with her and was with you before marriage and now after as well. What did you expect? That is just him. You say marriage is forever, well think long and hard about this. Because you are the one who is going to wind up changing; walking on eggshells so he doesnt think you are doing something behind his back because "he's sensitive and jealous" please! Tell him to grow up. If you have tried and failed then sorry but that is the way it is, you arent going to mold him into what "YOU" think he should be. He was and is the way he will always be. And the hints were right there.

If you plan to stay in this sort of marriage then just being nice to his ex and asking when she calls how she is or how her family is. When she calls dont say o here she is ! Say o hi how are you doing today, how is everyone. Hold on I'll go get dh for ya. Just talk to her like if she were your freind. she has done nothing wrong to you. the only she has done is have a child with a man she didnt want to have to deal with his bull and left him. which I say kudos to her for not getting trapped into that garbage where he doesnt say his feeling yet he wont let her do stuff or have things other people gave her.

You really need to think of this. before you move further or bring a cihld into this marriage

Nina000 02-24-2007 12:03 PM

Re: Recently married and arguing constantly
Betty Bee

I totally understand where you are coming from, and like you, I have gone through the same type of ex insecurities taken out on me...and with the support of his mum!

The ex belongs to the past whether or not they have kids. Unfortunately some women use this excuse of children to play games, and men are like puppets. [I]He [/I]needs to draw the line. He can arrange to see his son by court, is that right? But I bet you he doesn't want to hurt her feelings?

In all cases his ex might want you to build resentment to the whole situation, she might need to feel important in one way or another so don't give her the satisfaction by arguing with him. Be higher than that.

Try not to upset yourself because if she is after him, she is proving to be desperate and pathetic. Let her have the thrill of contacting someone who dumped her already. She is no big winner.

prairie_dawn 02-24-2007 06:34 PM

Re: Recently married and arguing constantly
Nina sorry about your relationship that you had with someone like that. But unfortunatly we dont know what his ex is like except that he already admitted to his wife that the EX dumped him because of the same stuff Bettybee is going through herself. So not sure how you didnt get that part but unfortunatly she is stuck in this mess until she opens her eyes and sees that there is no more he said she said. Or his word or her word. Betty bee is dealing with exactly what ex's wife was and she dumped him. Only question is what is betty bee going to do about it. Just becuase he can go through the court to visitation why shouldnt he be cival to his ex wife or why shouldbt bettybee? She never hurt betty so why not have a relationship with her? It is in the best interest of hte child. Poor kid already has to deal with parents who are divorced and now wiht a stepmom in the picture. jeez that must be hard on the kid.. And if stepmom doesnt like mom then that is just going to be heck on the kid. Bettybee please do what is best for that child that is now your stepson. You will be a huge part of his life and need to think of that

Bettybee i am so sorry you are in this situtation I truely am.

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