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am I overreacting?


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Old 02-24-2007, 05:31 PM   #1
PrivateH
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am I overreacting?

My partner and I are engaged planning marriage very soon and saving to buy a house. She has a car--paid off--runs fine but is a junker in her mind. So she wants a new used car. Fine. But she goes off and buys one without even consulting me or including me in the process. I feel I should have had a say in what she bought.. I know it's her car/her money but I would have liked to be included. Instead she drives home in a new used car today and I am ******. And she is ****** that i am not excited for her. I would have been if I had been included. I figured she'd go out looking and if she found something she'd bring me back to see it. do I have a right to be mad. I feel like now our house savings is down the drain because she spent over 10K on a car and basically only has 1k in the bank. I just feel she could have driven the old car to the death and built up a savings for our house like I have. I would have supported the new car if I was included. Am I wrong? I just feel she made a big 'couple' decision without including me and i am ******.

 
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Old 02-24-2007, 05:38 PM   #2
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Re: am I overreacting?

I would think she should let you know. Big red flag here.
I am confused here, are you same sex couple? In any case my opinion it is too big purchase for her not to include you.

Last edited by galinaqt; 02-24-2007 at 05:42 PM.

 
Old 02-24-2007, 05:59 PM   #3
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Re: am I overreacting?

Quote:
Originally Posted by galinaqt View Post
I would think she should let you know. Big red flag here.
I am confused here, are you same sex couple? In any case my opinion it is too big purchase for her not to include you.
yes same sex couple.

 
Old 02-24-2007, 06:19 PM   #4
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Re: am I overreacting?

Hell no........

Your're not over-reacting.

You both agreed to save to buy a house together, right??

if so......Even though you are not married(yet)....you still have every right to know and/or make the decision.

okay.............................I guess, what's done is done. Have she at least, apologize to you??

and how about.......opening a savings account together?

 
Old 02-24-2007, 07:33 PM   #5
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Re: am I overreacting?

If it is her money and her car, then why should anyone else have a say in it? If I were going to go buy myself a new car, I know exactly what I would get and I wouldn't give two hoots what my boyfriend thought.

It would be different if you two were going to share the car. But if it is strictly hers, then I don't see why anyone else's input should matter.

I think the problem is that if you two are saving to buy a house and she just spent basically all of her money, then maybe she isn't quite as serious as you are about getting a house. Maybe you should talk about just what her plans are?
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Old 02-24-2007, 11:56 PM   #6
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Re: am I overreacting?

Well, first, you say that you would have been supportive of her buying a new car if only you had been included in the decision, but then you say that she should have driven her old car into the ground before getting a new one because the old one was only a junker in her mind and not in actuality. These seem to be contradictory statements and I don't see how both can be true. If she had consulted you, you probably would have just told her "what's wrong with the car you have? It's not really a junker, you can drive it a few more years while we save for a house."

While I agree that perhaps she should have included you a litte in the decision, for now, it is her money and her car and her ultimate decision what to do with it. I dont' know how much she makes, but I guess not a lot if she only has $1000 saved so far for the house you guys want to buy. I guess you're mostly upset because you feel she chose the car over getting a house with you, which perhaps makes you feel she chose her freedom and still being single over commiting to you. I think this is a learning and growing situation for you both. If I were in your shoes, I would ask her in a NON-angry, non accusing non scolding way if she still wants to buy a house with you and pitch in equally and move forward with all your plans and how she plans to do that now that she has a big car payment to make each month for what, the next 5 years? Find out what her plan is for the future and see if it still matches yours. If you guys are going to spend the rest of your lives together, you will encounter many many situations just like this one during the course of your relationship, and now's as good a time as any to learn how to work things out with each other and come to a compromise. Good luck.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 02-24-2007 at 11:58 PM.

 
Old 02-25-2007, 08:44 AM   #7
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Re: am I overreacting?

Not really sure of this one, but did you ever think that she just thought that if she scared that the car she was driving was a peice of crap and thought that if she didnt have a car to get to work with that she wouldnt have a job to save for a house. Now she is only your girlfriend and yes you might be working on getting married but maybe she really isnt ready for this or just wasnt tihnking because well untill you are married you really dont have that sort of thinking of sharing in your head. You said you would have been fine if she had only included you in the disision. That tells me you dont care that she blew the money away just that you didnt get to say YES, she did. So that would be some issues on both your parts that I would look into.

 
Old 02-25-2007, 10:21 AM   #8
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Re: am I overreacting?

My opinion is this. If both of you are contributing equally into your household expenses and savings then she should be able to make that decision for herself. Like it was said, her money, her decision. However, if you are putting all the money into your joint expenses and the only one contributing to save up for the house then I think you have every right to be upset.

When it comes to marriage my husband and I put all our earnings together (and he earns a lot more than me) and we discuss any big ticket items (like a car). Not everyone is like that, I know. I guess it really all comes down to how you two plan on handling finances in the future. I would talk to her about it.

 
Old 02-25-2007, 07:55 PM   #9
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Re: am I overreacting?

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyArcher View Post
If it is her money and her car, then why should anyone else have a say in it? If I were going to go buy myself a new car, I know exactly what I would get and I wouldn't give two hoots what my boyfriend thought.

It would be different if you two were going to share the car. But if it is strictly hers, then I don't see why anyone else's input should matter.

I think the problem is that if you two are saving to buy a house and she just spent basically all of her money, then maybe she isn't quite as serious as you are about getting a house. Maybe you should talk about just what her plans are?
well we do drive each other's cars. Also we plan to have children and the kind of car is imprtant. It's not that I would have controlled what car she got but would have liked some imput..like is there enough room for carseats for future children (there is--it's small back there but wil work) Has it passed highest safety ratings..to prevent injury.she says the dealer said yes. when I called our ins. they said it's not the best. Insuranc went from 300 a year to 1000K per year (it's a 2004) my 2006 is only 865 a year. So lot more expensive..so much saving for house. I agree she deserves a newer car..she as driving a 98..but still ran well and had only 50K miles on it. I just think I should have been included considering we will be married in a few months. And yes she half heartedly apologized..acting as if she didnt' think it was a big deal-it's her car, she has to drive it. But we drive each other's cars. Thankfull she did buy automatic. She had wanted stick but I said I can't drive that and it's not practical with kids in the car etc.

Last edited by PrivateH; 02-26-2007 at 12:05 PM.

 
Old 02-25-2007, 08:26 PM   #10
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Re: am I overreacting?

didnt realize you are getting married in a few months. That sort of peed me off when i realized that and now I sort of think that maybe she really shoudl have considered you in this. Did she do it now because she wanted what she wanted "before" you were married and didnt want to have to "ask" you about it? I did drive a nissan altima for 3 yrs when my first child was born. My other car brokedown and had to lease one and that was it. my was 3 when I gave it back. The car was a 96 and I gave it in when it was 99. I went into an old Ford bronco then a ford lincoln. I cant get into a small car now. We have only trucks and I drive the largest truck ford makes and fits 8. I have 4 kids and animals. I must say that the hairs on my head are saying she bought it now so she wouldnt hear you say no later. Or think you would say no. Maybe she doesnt want kids that fast or doesnt want to think of that future right now. I have no clue just spouting what comes to my mind. Good luck kiddo!

 
Old 02-25-2007, 08:57 PM   #11
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Re: am I overreacting?

Is she in general kind of person who is not careful with money? Does she pay her bills on time? Does she has uncontrollable debts?
I have a coworker whose marriage life is poisoned by his wife buying things without asking him, they are always argueing and live on tight budget.

 
Old 02-25-2007, 09:44 PM   #12
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Re: am I overreacting?

i think you two need to have a talk and make sure you're on the same page about marriage, cohabitating, children in the near future. This does not appear to be an appropriate decision by someone who will be sharing a life with someone, a house with someone, and children with someone within the next couple of months. Talking about marriage is one thing, but have you set forth concrete plans? Is she taking the initiative to help plan your marriage or future home? You need to examine these things before committing your money and life to her.

 
Old 02-26-2007, 12:14 PM   #13
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Re: am I overreacting?

Quote:
Originally Posted by galinaqt View Post
Is she in general kind of person who is not careful with money? Does she pay her bills on time? Does she has uncontrollable debts?
I have a coworker whose marriage life is poisoned by his wife buying things without asking him, they are always argueing and live on tight budget.

since I met her she owed a lot of debts. Her one car was repossessed. She basically had to sell her house because she couldn't pay (i paid 2 payments before it sold) She owed money back to someone who she bought the house with. She was able to pay everyone off by living with me basically very cheaply. So yes she has a bad history since we've met almost 2 years now with money. People are all paid off now..and instead of buidling her savings (for our house) she goes out and buys a car. Not to mention she still owes me some money--which I know she has and will write me a check I just have to remind her. She only has a 3 mile a day drive to work so she could have driven that car to the ground and if it died I would have driven her to work while she looked to buy another car. I just think it was foolish. She had a paid off car (old but little miles) and no savings for our house we need to save for. Yes she wants a house..yes she wants marriage, yes she wants kids (at least that's what she says). She just doesn't appear as good with money as I am. She says she makes 60k a year and deserves a nice car. (it's a jones thing) But if she's making that much where is the savings. (granted this year it went to pay off 8K she owed to someone, 5K she owed her dad, and 3K she owed me...but still there should be more in the bank than 1000) We share bills here but our bills are like 700 a month each TOTAL food included. I have a lot of money in the bank. I think i'VE decided that I am only putting the same into our house that she puts into the house. Which in reality is going to make our mortgage so high we won't afford crap. I will have a talk with her about this so that maybe she starts saving a lot more vigioursly.

 
Old 02-26-2007, 12:53 PM   #14
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Re: am I overreacting?

between this thread and your other thread, I can't help but wonder why you are even still in this relationship? Your partner doesn't respect you enough to stop getting together with her ex, you don't respect her enough to give her any privacy whatsoever, she doesn't give any consideration to your so-called "upcoming marriage" (that, judging by the info you've provided, is more of an illusion than something that the two of you are actually planning) and the financial responsibility that comes with buying a house and sharing bills, mortgage, cars, etc. with another.

to put it simply: do NOT get married. and DEFINITELY do NOT adopt any children.

 
Old 02-26-2007, 12:58 PM   #15
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Re: am I overreacting?

Money aside, I think it's strange that she didn't at least TALK about it beforehand! I wouldn't buy a car even if I was independently wealthy from my husband without talking to him about it - not to get his input or permission, but just to include him and at least ask his opinion.

 
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