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Old 02-25-2007, 08:57 PM   #1
bestyear07
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second chances....

Okay, I had posted before and upset with my boyfriend and all. I broke up with him and he came around and told me he doesn't want to lose me and that we do have a future together and to please give him another chance.

The thing is I did give into him and give him another chance but I have noticed that I am pretty much on a maintanence plan here.
My birthday was this month and it pretty much sucked and I feel bad for saying this but he gave me one nice gift and then this piece of crap watch that he bought off e-bay it looks like he dug it up out of the back yard. He told me it was real and I hope that he just got ripped off and didnt epect me to believe that.
Then for valentines day he bought me the exact same gift as he did last year. I know it is supposed to be the thought that counts but it made me feel that he didnt put much thought into it since he didn't get me a card or anything or even say he loved me for that matter. He bought food over and we cooked in, I was very disappointed b/c I cook everynight I wasnted to go out.He always says he is saving money but I know he has money in the bank and he gambles at least once a week.
Am I right to feel insulted here or am I overreacting and being selfish?

Sometimes I find it very hard to say whats on my mind and I always question my feelings and if there valid or not,I am confused with this roller coaster.

And last but not least...this past week he had to go out of town for a week (left Monday got back Friday) I went there Friday when he got home and he says that he is tired and wants to stay in,so we cook again we didn't go anywhere and then I slept on the couch. The next morning his brother and sister in law came (in case I forget to mention the come EVERY weekend) and I ask is this going to be a casino night(I cannot go b/c I have my child and cannot leave for that long plus I really don't like going) and he just said "maybee" like joking but I was ******. After a week away he comes home and we don't go anywhere then he spends the day with them and they can never just get up and leave on Sunday it is around 3 or 4 in the evening ..to me that is like an entire weekend shot to hell and back! (ALMOST EVERY WEEKEND) I am so sick and tired of it. I feel like I get only his left over time. when he is tired or preparing Sunday night for the week ahead, but no quality time with him ever....I am hurt you know. I have been giving him a cold sholder and have not even spent the night with him anymore,he ask if I am okay and I just said "fine" b/c I dont even know if it is worth my energy to explain to him. I feel like I am competing for his time and I just dont know that it is worth it to me.

I am finally getting my esteem back have lost close to 20 pounds and looking good,just not sure if to keep trying or move on.......any thoughts?

 
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Old 02-25-2007, 09:22 PM   #2
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Re: second chances....

You're just fed up...

I would be too.

but, about the B-day gift and the V-day gift.....Yes, I think you are over-reacting. It's the thought that counts. and besides.....at least, your BF remembers!

It seems to me that......if your BF doesn't change his priority......you are will be happily on your way.....to find another one that cares, right??

Did you talk to him, about the " Second chance, but...in one condition..speak??

what was his reaction?

 
Old 02-25-2007, 09:31 PM   #3
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Re: second chances....

Well, first of all, you have to remember that your guy isn't a mind reader, and isn't going to know these things bother you unless you tell him. You have to tell him what you need from him in order for him to know, and understand why you're unhappy.

It does sound like he's stopped trying. And the gambling doesn't sound very good. I'd go ahead and make plans with family or your girlfriends next weekend and just tell him you don't have fun watching him gamble, or sitting on the couch waiting for his brother and SIL to go home, and you want to have some fun. he can come along if he wants, but if not, that's fine too. He has to know he can't neglect you and take you fro granted and think you'll just stick around and take it.

 
Old 02-26-2007, 07:39 AM   #4
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Re: second chances....

What was the discussion you had before you decided to take him back? Did you let him know what your expectations are? If you did and he is making absolutely no effort then I think you know how things will stay. Where you say you find it hard to say what is on your mind I wonder if he knew exactly what you expected from him. Either way you need to sit down and let him know how you feel. Like Larrylou said, you man isn't a mind reader. If he doesn't know what is bothering you he can't fix it. Giving him the cold shoulder and responding "fine" when he asks you questions won't solve the problem.

As far as the gifts go, I kind of think you may be overreacting on those. It is the thought that counts, and I think that your being upset by his actions (or inactions) toward you is why you are really upset, not the gifts. Don't even bring them up or you will run the risk of sounding selfish and petty.

You need to find the courage to say what is on your mind. Write it all down first if you need to in order to make the points you need. Tell him what you need out of this relationship. If he agrees give him a couple of weeks to see what happens. If he doesn't fit the bill then move on. Why waste anymore of your time?

 
Old 02-26-2007, 04:10 PM   #5
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Re: second chances....

yeah,I kinda figured it could have been worse on the gifts,he could have not bought me anything at all amd I would have really felt bad.

To answer some questions on whenever I gave him a second chance...
I left him and wouldn't even take his calls for a while b/c I felt like I was second best to everyone and everything,b/c I had been with him for almost 8 years and felt like I had been given a demotion b/c I felt that with him lying to and about his daughter to me that there was no posibly future with him and yeah just b/c I was plain fed up!

He came over to me and I explained to him that I had no intention of going back to that kind of life with him,that he has given me no reason to think we have any future together or that he even considers me a part of his everyday life and that I have already suffered so much with all of these years of feeling this way that I am just sooooo over it! That is when he was disputing everything I was saying and begging me not to leave him. I tol him that I do not think he loves me but that he just don't want me to leave b/c he is afraid I will get with someone else and although I think he really doesnt want me he doesn't want anyone else to have me. I told him how unfair that was to me and how I am so disappointed that he would let his selfishness stand in the way of me having a chance at a real life and a future. He was swearing that it wasnt true ect,ect....

That is the reason I gave him a second chance but now his new thing is lying to me about his daughter...
everytime she calls (and I know b/c he has a certain ring set for her call) he says "Oh God, That is my sister calling again and I do not want to talk to her"
I know he was lying but didnt say anything. He actually went to the extream to turn his ringer off.This has happened several times now (like 3 or 4)I looked at his phone and sure enough he was lying it was not his sister. He also kinda keeps his phone close to him all the time but it very quick to stand around when I am on the phone and he also always checks my phone and ask who is this call from or who is this number.


So he started some kind of fight last Friday over next to nothing and wouldn't answer my calls that night or the next morning either,then he called me back later and I ask where are you,who is with you? He said,"no one I am at a store" I later found a reciept on the floor with date and time from a restaurant where I knew he had his daugter with him that day. He will hardly even take me out to eat so yeah it was a little insulting to me,I mean why couldn't the 4 of us go together (me and my daughter,same age as his)
I dont understand this ,he acts like she is the other women or a mistress or something and it is unnessasary and discusting. it makes me feel like he thinks she is to good to be around us and it really hurts me and I feel alot of resentment about this situation.I just don't know how to take this behavior.

Last edited by bestyear07; 02-26-2007 at 04:15 PM.

 
Old 02-28-2007, 08:44 AM   #6
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Arrow Re: second chances....

From a male point of view, i would have darn damn it appreciated a second chance if i were him and showed how much you would mean to me aswel as saying its true and all that. Unless he has no imagination, the gifts for V.day should have been different from last years - i know its better than nothing, but getting nothing normally only happens in a really bad or non serious relationship. But the same gifts repeated after knowing you for all this time is a tad odd to me.

Him looking at your phone and guarding his from you can't be helping any trust, but confronting him about it the next time it happens would probably cause un-needed arguement. I think happymoms 100% right about making a structured list and preparing for a talk with him - as it seems he doesnt appreciate you, make him realise and make him aware you really arnt happy and you were dead serious about having no intention of going back to that kind of life with him.
How old is your daughter if you don't mind me asking?

 
Old 02-28-2007, 09:02 AM   #7
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Re: second chances....

you don't sound happy at all.....what are you getting out of this relationship?

 
Old 02-28-2007, 01:06 PM   #8
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Re: second chances....

I am not happy with him b/c I don't think this is the way a serious long term relationship should be. It is like I have been demoted or something. eight years ago I actually lived with this man we had a life together,he would call me during the day just to see what I was doing,come home and take me to lunch (you get the picture) now it is like he may call after he gets home from work or it may be later,we may talk a little then just go about our bisiness. it is like when you first start dating someone except worse b/c he never even takes me on dates. If I am at his house he acts like it is this huge deal b/c he is going to grill food. He also acted like it was a big deal b/c he bought one of my favorite things to eat (Its one of those dishes that you love eating it out b/c it is a huge mess and way to much work to do at home) I said I would rather just order that out,he started going off "Well, I am not going to any restaurants and I can make it here myself it is like $9.99 to order this and on and on... I was just kinda like whatever,okay. It is not that he doesn't take me out so much as he doesn't want to take me out.
My daughter is 11 years old I have been with him since both kids (his and mine) were 3 years old. We lived together several of those years,I had my own place,he lived with me for a while but always kept his place (i am sure so he could lie to his kid about things b/c thats the only time he went there) he always said "I really want to feel that I live with you' and now I don't even know where I am going with this.We eventually just had one place(his) but...
I moved out about 2 years ago and got my own place I just couldn't bare anymore from him or his family. When I first met him he was estranged from his family (and I can see why) it is a huge stress I mean after a hard week at work I cannot even relax on the weekend b/c every sat. they just show up at the house ready to go gamble,stay the entire weekend and leave late Sun. They do not seem to think this is rude and he will never tell them No, that he has plans with me or anything. It really isn't thier fault and I love them to death but it was just to much and no privacy. He thinks his family are better than mine just like he thinks his daughter is better than mine and it really hurts. My family is like over 600 miles away and if they are planning to come here (maybe twice a year) he always wants me to make an excuse why its not a good time. It is okay for him to spend the night with me and my daughter be there but if and ever (and it has been like over 3 yearssince she has hardly anything to do with him unless she wants something) his daughter spends the night He sleeps on the floor in the living room with her while I sleep in the bedroom. it is to much a double standard but he will always come up with some "rational" explanation as to why although it is mostly a lie. Once, and this was since like 2002, I went to visit my family and came back home and all of my pictures (me and my daughter)were stashed up under a table,I was mortafied and ask why, he said oh b/c****** (his kid) was here and she gets really jealous. I was ******, that was my home and thats what I came back to. the kid even ask me once if I was his girlfriend and she told me he said I wasn't, and this was almost the final straw when i left. This kid has has time to accept her parents getting divorsed (she was 3 for Gods sake and probly don't even remerber a time they were together) It is to much letting an 11 year old who is only around for show dictate my life. My daughter has divorsed parents and a heck of a harder life that this little bratty kid of his and she is just fine so why does he think his kid is above the truth?I feel more ashamed than anything knowing he married his ex only after less than 2 years (of course I always assumed it was for a greencard) but he says he wouldn't have had a kid with her if he never loved her. They were married 14 years when I met him and he said it was over long before that I was stupid enough to fall for that so I guess I won the prize.I am sure she is laughing about how long I have been on a string.It sickens my heart to think I wasted all these years on a relationship with this man. Im 32 now and if I leave him I will have to start over,all of the men my age are probly married already. He is like 50 now so why won't he grow up see my point of view? He just acts like this is normal or something. I am afraid I have reached the end of my rope I am just not sure what the next step is yet and Im scared.He will think it is b/c I wasnt to go out to party he always makes me feel guilty by saying "Well, If thats the kind of girl you are then go out with your friends" I never go out EVER, I go to work and to pick my daughter up from school and home same thing over and over and over...he goes with his bro. and SIL every weekend,he does whatever he wants then when he has any left over time I am supposed to be thrilled to get it,when he is tired and just wants to relax at home!!!

 
Old 02-28-2007, 01:27 PM   #9
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Re: second chances....

sounds like your miserable......I couldn't decipher if you said what you're getting out of this relationship......

 
Old 02-28-2007, 02:29 PM   #10
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Re: second chances....

to be honest it doesnt seem like hes gonna change you dont sound happy with him. you should just leave him if hes gonna treat you like that. i know 8 years is a very long time but do you want your daughter to go through that kids always sence when something is going on. you said your 32 your still young youll be able to find a nice guy that who will treat you and your daughter really good instead of going through all this drama with this guy. theres alot of guys out there that arent married. with his daughter to thats wrong if he really does love you than he would want you to spend time with his daughter to he should of took all 4 of yous out to dinner so she can get used to being with you. i dont blame the little girl shes a little girl but the father is an adult and hes wrong. can you talk to your boyfriend maybe ask him when he has his daughter next if you can just spend time with her take her shopping or to the movies maybe if yous have some time togther she can get a little more used to you than she wont feel that jealous than. thats if your planning on being with him still.

 
Old 02-28-2007, 04:20 PM   #11
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Re: second chances....

I waited 8 years to break it off for good with a loser like your bf and I regret it every single day that I waited that long. But I finally woke up and did it. This guy isn't going to change. He's made that very clear. Now you have to decide if you want to keep putting up with it or not.

You're so obviously not happy, it seems ridiculous to stay when it's doing literally nothing to make your life better. Being alone and not having anyone is five million times better than being with someone who makes you feel this way. Trust me. I know what I'm saying, I've BEEN THERE!!

 
Old 02-28-2007, 05:09 PM   #12
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Re: second chances....

Thank all of you for the replies...I honestly do not know what I am getting out of it...I mean I have had a bit of a financial problem this last month and have to see him tonight so I can borrow a thousand dollars b/c I am in a bit of a bind and I have no one else to help me. I am not proud of this fact. I will pay him back every cent as I have in the past but maybe this is the what I think I am getting out of it just some kind of sick security.I think if it would be right I would not be having all these doughts. I have to just find a way to let him know this,maybe I should wait until after I borrow money (sounds so bad I know) but the fact is I have tried over and over to make this work and I am just tired. I feel like I am always competing for him,for his time,for his affection and I am so tired of chasing after him.

As far as his daughter goes,the fact is she isn't jealous, I have been around her alot of times. The fact is she is a very prejudice and she acts like she is to good to be around us altogether she even acts like she is to good to hang out with him at times since she doesn't. I am very offended by her but I try to remind myself that kids are not born to be this way that they are taught and this somehow gets me thru it. Years back I bought her a barbie doll for her b/d or something and she wouldn't bring it home or play with it b/c it had blond hair. She says that her family would be mad and they would say that they doughted her race or something if they ever saw her playing with a blond doll. She also acts in this way towards my daughter who is in fact blond hair and blue eyes,like she won't really play and barley even talks to her.
My daughter has tried to make friends with her and she will only answer in like "yes" or "no" answers if my D ask her to go out and play and she says "I don't feel like it,I need to rest" It is really sad for me to see this.I have tried to get over it but I literally get a knot in my stomach when I am around this child.
If my b/f would have gave us constant exposure since they were both small it may would have been different but I don't see where this future racist will ever change her views. My feelings were very hurt at christmas b/c I bought her a pair of pretty gold earrings and I am not sure if he didnt give them to her (he told me he did and then I found them in a cabinet) he said Oh welll she just forgot to take them,but honestly she usually doesn't even open gifts all the way she just rips the paper enough to see what it is says thank you and never touches it again...I am not kidding I don't understand this. I mean, my daughter gets a gift she wants to play with it right away and is actually excited about it. I am not trying to compare I am just deeply hurt and offended,I try to be a good person.i have to go now I am going over to his house b/c he is going to GRILL again. I need to get money from him and maybe next week I will just tell him we will just be friends (no sex)and that it will be better that way. I think it is mostly just sex anyway. He hasn't even said "I love you" to me in over 2 years.I will get away from him for a few months first and try to start over I guess..this is just so hard.Kszan, How did you end it after all those years? I am glad I am not the only person who stayed in a dead end relationship for this long....I feel so foolish and ashamed. I will update later about tonight.

Last edited by bestyear07; 02-28-2007 at 05:16 PM.

 
Old 02-28-2007, 05:52 PM   #13
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Re: second chances....

he seems like a jerk it will be better off for you to leave him. have you ever met his ex wife maybe shes putting things in her daughters head theres alot of girls out there that are like that maybe thats why your bf is acting that way when it comes to his daughter. my fiance dated a girl or i put it she was just a fling. she ended up pregnant had his daughter he pays child support but her and her family dont want him to see her we both talked about it we both think its because of me. only reason were saying that is because before she found out about me she was ready to meet him to talk about visittaion and child support he mentioned me she flipped now he cant see his daughter. we been togther for 5 years she was 8 months pregnant when we first met so ive been in his life all this time we have a 3 year old son togther i would think by now she would get over us being togther but shes still jealous. so if thats the case with your bf ex hes still wrong because he needs to put his foot down and talk to ex wife if yous been togther for 8 years your in his life now than thats the case she needs to get over it.

 
Old 02-28-2007, 08:36 PM   #14
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Re: second chances....

wow what a jerk! You havent replied about what you are getting out of the relationship because you arnet getting anytinng out of it honey! Your duaghter doesnt need to learn prejudice too. Its bad enough his kid does. Live and learn. Let go and find someone who will love you and treat you well.

 
Old 02-28-2007, 09:45 PM   #15
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Re: second chances....

I met his ex once,not really met her but she came to my door once and she had her kid with her,my sister answered the door and my daughter and nefew (2and 3 years old) were happy to see another kid so the ran to the door and that women jerked the kid behind her like they were lepors or something,it was amazing but thats the only time [I] have ever "met" her.
okay for the update.... I went there tonight,he GRILLED again and I was going to ask for the money but couldn't get it out. I actually couldn't talk to him much at all. We finished dinner and I was basically ignoring him mostly. He had the nerve to ask if I wanted a massage, I said "no" because basicaly he was aiming for sex I'm sure and he said,You look tense and the massage will relax you....I know he is trying to get sex b/c I havent wanted to be with him ever since valentines day when I had to cook instead of him taking me out, I was so insulted that the thought of sex with him is repulsive to me. He went out of town for a week and then he usually tries to squeeze in sex on friday somewhere b/c the rest of the weekend is dedicated to his "family" so this friday I just did not respond to his advances and I do not plan on it from now on. I was sitting there and his kid called and he wouldn't answer then hewent outside and my daughter followed he was on the phone (he talks to her like she is 2 so it is so obvious) he motioned for my daughter to go inside and when he was done he came in and I ask who he was talking to he said "Oh, just my brother" so he LIED again thats when he ask about the massage and all.If he really loved me and wanted me in his life he would definaltly put his foot down to this ex or the kid or whoever he had to but that obviously hasn't happened and never will. He told me before that he is way ppast that with his kid and all but apparently not from where I am standing.
HOW DISCUSTING...how did I tolorte this for so long. I was looking at him and I just felt discusted with myself,he all of a sudden,this man that I thought I was in love with and chased after so long just seems sooo repulsive. I am sick,literally. What changed? I am not even sure what happened that all of a sudden turned a light on for me...it really has been going off and on for a while now. I feel so empty and alone though and just really sad,my emotions are just overwhelming me right now...I need the money so I still have to swallow my pride and ask for it,he knows good and well I need it why is he going to make me ask for it!!!Thanks for listening I am just venting and ranting I know but I am glad to have someone out there that can talk to me.Thanks, you are all so helpful

Last edited by bestyear07; 02-28-2007 at 09:54 PM.

 
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