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Activity Compromise...

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Old 02-26-2007, 09:53 AM   #1
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Activity Compromise...

Hm, just throwing this out there. I think I'm being perfectly fair... but hubby thinks it's unreasonable (surprise, surprise!).

Well, long story short - a few years ago he convinced me to try backpacking, I ultimatley hated it and decided I prefer lake camping or something that doesn't involve a 45lb bag on my back for a 4 mile hike in 90 degree weather to a lake that's just as nice I never downplayed or hid my dislike of backpacking since, and have made it abundandtly clear this may just be something he needs to do without me, and with his guy friends since it's really not that enjoyable for me.

That being said, he surprises me this weekend by saying he's trying to plan a trip with our mutual friends (MY best friend and her boyfriend) to do this same backpacking trip later this summer. I'm kind of floored, considering I've told him I don't want to do this again.

After being super angry as he went downstairs to get ready for a bike ride, I took a few, very long deep breaths, excused the fact that I felt extremely disrespected and ignored in this decision - and EXPECTED to come on this trip apparently - and told him once he came back upstairs that I'd thought up a 'compromise'.

I would go backpacking with them, ONLY, if he would take me to Disneyland for the SAME number of days we'd be on this trip (likely 3 or 4).

He doesn't like going to amusement parks due to lines and feels they're too expensive. Really doesn't like it.

So I usually plan these trips with friends, and have no problem doing so - and always have a blast as this is one thing that I *love* doing. I am like a kid again when I'm at Disneyland and it really lifts my spirits to try and go every few years since we're in California it's not a huge expense.

Anyway, he tells me that is a REALLY hard compromise (basically saying he's going to give up more by going to Disneyland for a few days, than me backpacking for a few days, which I feel is pretty equal since I hate it) and not fair.

Errrr. Right. As far as I'm concerned, despite him basically planning this with my friends, he can go himself and be the single guy. He whines about it, but frankly, if you go behind my back and plan a trip you know I won't like and don't want to do - suck it up. You planned it, you can go, and you can leave me at home if you're not willing to deal with the same amount of 'sacrifice' to do what I like to do.

I'm so annoyed right now, to just expect that I'd go along without even paying attention to the 50 times he's tried to bring it up and me telling him I literally 'hate' it, and 'don't want to do it again'. I have not minced words! I'm still open to camping, and doing day hikes and doing all of the nature stuff, just the backpacking part isn't my bag.

SHEESH. How .. presumptuous and selfish!!!!


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Old 02-26-2007, 01:02 PM   #2
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try-ink HB User
Re: Activity Compromise...

My thoughts.......

The Activity compromise seems like an equal, but............

he hates Disneyland....

you hate backpacking....

Yeah...the only results is: two unhappy person.
he's probably sad....that he's doing this by himself. (unless....he can bring a friend along) but he's your BF, right? Have it ever accured to you, that He wants to spend time with you.

for you...I am sure you are happy(you have a friend that can go) to disneyland with you.....But, How about something that you can both do as a couple? isn't this what you both want?

---a compromise that the both of you can do together.....not bring someone elses in to replace?----is probably something to consider (I think)

Old 02-26-2007, 01:11 PM   #3
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Re: Activity Compromise...

I wouldn't go! haha I hate doing that kind of thing, and my dad still tells the horror story of having to carry me (I was 7) all the way back down the mountain when we went hiking when I was a kid!!! Much like you, I enjoy outdoors, and small hikes, but I definatly would not be doing something I dont enjoy. Period!!
I think your compromise sounds good to me, and even sounds like something I might suggest as well, but is he just so hell-bent on hiking, that you can't do something you both enjoy? Sometimes people can be inconsiderate and only take thier feelings into account, but I agree with you.

Make it clear, either you find something you both want to do and are willing to, or don't go. I'm sure if you talk to your best friend about it, she might be able to persude her b/f to reconsider, then who would your man have to go with?? haha

Old 02-26-2007, 01:13 PM   #4
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Re: Activity Compromise...

I feel you, Destea. Although I love going for walks, I see nothing at all pleasant about hiking and wandering around with the equivalent of a small child strapped to my back. Your husband sounds like he's rather self-centered. He needs some sense knocked into him, but I have no idea how you'd do that.

Yeah, just let him go by himself. I guess that is all you can really do. And go and do what you want, go to Disneyland or wherever. Honestly, I don't think it was too good of an idea to go along with the hiking thing as long as your SO came to Disneyland with you. Because I don't see the point in doing something one doesn't really want to do. And even if he did agree to go to the amusement park with you, he'd probably whine and complain all day and be a general wet blanket.

So, just do your own things. I have no idea what he was thinking trying to plan this trip, but apparently he wasn't thinking of too much beyond himself.
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Old 02-26-2007, 01:49 PM   #5
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Re: Activity Compromise...

Haha Gypsy, you know I've been thinking that very thing.. as much as the "theory" of having him come with me to do what I enjoy is nice in my head, I think part of me wonders if it's even worth it because he'll likely just ruin my good time (as I would his) in this kind of situation :P

try-ink: My husband goes on 2 or 3 backpacking trip with a group of friends (ranging from 1 person to 5 depending on who's available) every single year. It's not like this is something he doesn't 'get' to go out and enjoy. I totally understand he wants to spend time with me and is bummed when I'm not up for coming along - but... I don't really appreciate him not listening to me when I say I don't like something then trying to guilt me into coming along. If he knows, clearly, that I don't enjoy something he needs to get it out of his head to pester me about going! We do tons of stuff together and if backpacking just isn't my thing I wish he'd let it go.

Currently we go mtn bike riding together, wine tasting, movie hopping, dinners, date nights, day hikes, we used to surf (summer activity), we go camping, we take one or two week or longer vacations together, we go up and visit his family together for weekends - there's no lack of together activities, he just wants me to like and do everything he wants. While it's sweet that he likes me to be around I just don't like that he can't accept it when I don't enjoy a certain activity - I'm just not as outdoorsy as he is and he keeps trying to push me into that mold!

At this point I was willing to compromise on sharing these activities that maybe neither of us prefers just so we can feel like we're at least trying to share in the effort of putting ourselves out of our comfort zones and doing what the other enjoys - but he's never even bothered to join me at an amusement park while I've gone quite out of my box to join his camping and backpacking trips to give it a fair chance. I'm pretty much tempted to revolk the offer since he found it so unfair for me to ask exactly what he was asking of me in the first place :P


Old 02-26-2007, 06:11 PM   #6
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Re: Activity Compromise...

Yeah, at least you tried to compromise, but maybe he took it as a bribe, or blackmail instead of a compromise. when the subject of the trip comes up again, I'd just say, "well, I did my best to make it as clear as I possibly could how much I hate backpacking. I don't ever want to do it again. Thanks but no thanks, have fun."

Old 02-27-2007, 01:47 AM   #7
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Re: Activity Compromise...

I think your reasons for not wanting to go backpacking are more valid then his for not wanting to go to disneyland.

Sorry but he sounds thoughtless as far as your likes and dislikes go, and also selfish.

Stick to your guns, he planned something without consultation with his wife, thats his problem, don't go just to please him and save face.

Old 02-27-2007, 06:43 AM   #8
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Re: Activity Compromise...

Thanks guys... sometimes it's hard to see if you're being a punk. I have no issue telling him when I think he's being selfish (something he acknowledges and struggles with, but sometimes completely ignores he's doing...) I just wanted to see if I was really being unrealistic in expecting the same sacrifices.

And I have to kind of agree... I can't fathome how he could hate going to Disneyland as much as I hate backpacking - but I was trying to think of something that's of equal sacrifice on our parts lol. More to teach him a lesson by comparison, I guess it was lost on him. But I'm still not going unless I get a disney trip :P

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