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Long Distance Relationship help please!


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Old 02-26-2007, 07:21 PM   #1
bluesbird
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Question Long Distance Relationship help

Hi, my names Matt

If you dont really want to read all the story, just please give your opinion on if Long Distance relationships work or not.

This is my first post but i'm in a situation that i just need opinions and advice on, so any help or slap on the face telling me to wake up to the real world would be much appreciated. Please bare with the short novel


Background:

I met a girl online around June/July last year whilst using Xbox Live. At the time, Xbox Live had a mini community growing and you do get to know people and have a laugh so one night, msn addresses were ex-changed. Later that same night / early morning when everybody had left, myself and this girl engaged in a conversation warm with eachothers laughter and the whole process of getting to know each other started.

After a few weeks, the spark was as bright as ever and it was growing into a very close friendship - but this was what i was trying to avoid. Febuary 2006 saw the end of a painstaking 20 month relationship which had every gone off ingredient you could find in an unused kitchen mixed together - this ex cheated numerous times, lied, lost me dear friends and almost my education and simply tore me down. I ignored all friends good advice to leave her at the time because i'm an idiot. Cutting it short, i hadnt been properly single for 4 years (11 month relationship before and 2 month relationship after the bad kitchen), and was intent on remaining single as i felt free and more alive than ever.

Meeting:

None the less, the talk of meeting came about with this new female interest and September the 4th was the day i travelled 4 hours and 3 trains from the bottom of Devon to South Wales. We'd both swore to meeting as just friends, so going Cinema was a bad step - i held her hand and she kissed me at the end of the movie. We decided after awile of 'Oh my god!' and 'Wows' and smiles and 'Oooops' that we'd be 'close friends' - mistake number one. Due to my past i find it hard to let people get close to me in terms of a relationship so we didnt give ourselves the title of boyfriend / girlfriend . 6 months and 6 meetings later, we do Almost Everything a couple would do - phonecalls that make the jaw hurt because of so much laughter, pet names, hold hands down the street, 'whatever else' etc. - all mistake number 2, but shes just too awesome!! I'm 100% myself with her, we match in personality and looks and shes a really bright girl who makes me smile

Problems:

So here's the problems:
1. She's in Cardiff, im not
2. I'm in Devon, shes not
3. Her dad thinks all guys are out for one thing and i'd never see her if the parents knew how much we adore eachother - they contributed to her last relationship breaking up - and this is another reason we never gave ourselves the gf/bf title.
4. Her last relationship was also long distance and lasted about a year (but we liked eachother too much so ignored all these obvious timebombs before now).
5. She said she wants a 'normal' relationship - for instance, be able to say 'I need help with this work' or 'You wanna meet me and the girls tonight?', and wants a reply of 'OK, i'll be there in 5' - after all she hasnt had that in two years and i don't blame her, i understand and respect what she needs and wants. To be honest, i want that aswel.
6. We met last weekend and it was too much this time and lots of feelings were expressed concerning how our relationship is. We're taking a break to clear our heads and try and figure out what to do - do we go official? give ourselves the title of bf/gf and hope the dad (who she fears telling) appoves? Try and see eachother more (i'd sell things to raise money for train tickets etc. if i had to!) --OR-- Is this the way out, a chance to avoid POTENTIAL pain - i ephasize potential as im scared of long distance and don't know what would happen. A chance to avoid 10x more pain as opposed to having to break up in the future? A chance for her to meet someone more local who could get to know her friends and have a proper inplant in her life instead of extremely high phone bills.

I'm genuinely confused. I adore her and could easily fall in love with her and she feels as strongly (i'd say we're already on the way toward that) - At the moment i'd be 50% inclined to stop it all but neither of us want to throw away the chance of being together so theres the other 50% wanting to just hug her, feel and see her and make her happy - theres nothing i want more for her than happiness. If i can give that it's just a bonus.


I just need to know if Long Distance is worth it / if it can actually work which would have made a much shorter post and also congratulations if you've made it down here. Any help with the other complications would be great.

Thanks for reading

Last edited by bluesbird; 02-27-2007 at 12:16 PM.

 
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Old 02-26-2007, 09:25 PM   #2
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Re: Long Distance Relationship help please!

Hey Matt,

Do you know how lucky you are to have met someone who makes you feel that way?!?! You sound so happy when you're talking about her! Seriously, I don't know what you're waiting for. Make it official!!!

In every relationship there is always a chance that things won't work out, and that there might be feelings hurt or painful times. That's just how life is. No relationship is a certainty. Long distance relationships require a bit more work and trust than 'short distance' ones, but every relationship needs work and trust anyway. You can't spend your life missing amazing oppurtunites out of fear of getting hurt later on. If it hurts it just means that the relationship, when it was good, was all the more important to you and worth it. Our pain makes us real.

My advice to you would be to embrace what you have with this girl and make the most of it. You don't want to wake up years from now and wonder what might have been. She could be the love of your life! And if not, at least you'll know you gave things a real go. What are you waiting for!!!!!

 
Old 02-27-2007, 06:30 AM   #3
tarheel247
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Re: Long Distance Relationship help please!

i have to ask...how old are you two? second, would one of you guys move to the others hometown in the future?

 
Old 02-27-2007, 12:27 PM   #4
bluesbird
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Arrow Re: Long Distance Relationship help please!

Thankyou fade_to_black We would move now if it was possible and she's a year younger than me. But the point that we just can't be physically close is whats bothering. I've always been in serious relationships and around love and forget the magic of it - it can be hard remembering that my feelings toward her are more than i believe i think, especially when far apart. Like - i'm doubting it all now but later i'll be wanting and missing her. What does this mean?

 
Old 02-27-2007, 12:45 PM   #5
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Re: Long Distance Relationship help please!

I have to agree, it is very rare that we find someone who we have such a connection with, can be ourselves with, laugh with, etc.. If distance is the only issue (aside from her dad) then I think you two have some real potential.

You don't say how old you both are, just that she is a year younger than you. Is she at least an adult capable of making her own decisions? If so, then she is going to need to find the courage to tell her father how she feels about you if you two do decide to go "official". The only reason I can see her father having an issue is if; 1. She is underage, 2. She is going to school and he is paying for it and doesn't want to see her throw it away (but still not a good reason in my opinion), 3. He is a control freak who doesn't think anyone is good enough for his daughter (sweet, but not healthy).

In any relationship you run the risk of being hurt. You have to put yourself out there and make yourself vulnerable in order to fall in love. Love is a gift, and if you are lucky enough to find it then you owe it to yourself to go for it. I think you will regret it if you don't.

There is no reason you can't stay long distance for a while. When feelings develop even further (which there sounds like the potential for) you can always discuss moving closer to her or her closer to you. Long distance relationships can work out as long as both people involved want them to. It does take a little sacrifice, but it will be so worth it in the end.

 
Old 02-27-2007, 12:59 PM   #6
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Re: Long Distance Relationship help please!

I agree that if you find a love like that you should run with it. But age plays a big part in the whole picture. If you guys are just out of your teens or even 25 ish..i'd have to say that a LDR isn't a good thing for you. You still have a lot to think about and do. Age is a big factor in advice...at least i think so...

 
Old 02-27-2007, 03:19 PM   #7
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Arrow Re: Long Distance Relationship help please!

But what if the connection is just really good friends - i find it hard distiguishing between the 2 (like i said, i've been around relationships alot) and i'm NOT the average 'jump into bed with me' image my age group has. I'm 18 in a few months and she's 17 later this year. I didn't mention our ages because my age group also has the 'useless, what can you know about life, you're too young' image, which i hate. For example i have good qualifications already but can't even get work experience. If i said im 25 i'd be taken more seriously by the world, but it Would Not necessarily mean i'd be any different or wise in life and relationships, and i dont like how that works.

But yes, her father is a problem - she's the youngest in the family and the last one left at home so her dad is protective. Adding to it - he is also is a sort of 'control freak' but i fully respect and completely understand that and don't hold it against him - it's something that just is with parents

-------------------------------------

Ok, she broke the silence earlier and we ended up on the phone for a long time - she's thought things over and told me she really likes me and she would like to take it further, but has given me as much time to decide as i need now. She's not rushing for any decision and would like to be friends if i decide agaisnt a relationship. What do you all think i should do?

Is life too short to fuss about the tiny details or is life to precious to make bad decisions or mistakes?

Last edited by bluesbird; 02-28-2007 at 08:47 AM.

 
Old 02-27-2007, 03:53 PM   #8
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Re: Long Distance Relationship help please!

I know you don't want the stigmata of being young, but you guys are! I am 25 and just now finding out what love is, but it could take years longer. When I was your ages, I thought I was in love with everyone!!! haha I think that you have plenty of time, try being in a LDR, make occasional trips, not saying it will or won't work, but just try it. You'll only know if you try, but I wouldn't be surprised if her dad doesn't trust anyone.... He's a man and that's his baby girl... and you guys met basically thru the internet... my dad would have freaked on me too! You have so much time to see if you guys even really like each other, and if a LDR is too much for you guys, then go on your own ways for a while, and then later when it is possible to move, then try that.
I don't know, I just think that its a little young to be thinking so serious! That's just my opinion!

 
Old 02-27-2007, 04:17 PM   #9
bluesbird
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Lightbulb Re: Long Distance Relationship help please!

Thanks simplyheather, thats good advice. I've realise what your saying before and know i'm young for this rubbish and shouldnt need to come here for advice - its not so much worried about being happy, loved up and getting it right etc - its more about avoiding hurt the most for me. I don't know if i should be single or not and havnt known for months. We have met 6 times before and seem to like eachother alot, so perhaps i'll just go for it. I understand the dads point of view aswel, as does she. I think the lost, hidden feelings that buried in me during bad times in relationships and general life show sometimes - i'm silly, i tend to not react to bad things - just swallow hard and move on (which also means i can be insecure, but thats for another topic room). Anyway, thanks for everyones advice and slaps, it's appreciated

 
Old 02-27-2007, 07:27 PM   #10
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Re: Long Distance Relationship help please!

I just wanted to post to encourage you to give it a try. My boyfriend and I live 6 1/2 hours apart and have been happily together for over a year now. I was 17 when we met and we've been together since just before my 18th birthday. I won't lie and tell you that a LDR is super easy because it does have its challenges, but if you've found someone with whom you have connection and who you care for, there's no harm in giving it a chance and great things could come of it.

My boyfriend and I met over the internet as well and my parents were very, very hesitant and didn't approve of our relationship at first. But as time went on and they got to see how good he and I are together and how happy he makes me, they came around.

Last edited by define_truth; 02-27-2007 at 07:29 PM.

 
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