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No more famlit events


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Old 02-28-2007, 12:35 PM   #1
AmIwrong2005
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No more famlit events

I have been with the same man for 5 years now. We have been talking about marriage and I think he is preparing to buy a ring. I just have one problem, his family. Now they are wonderful people, very caring, open-minded, and non-judgemental. They want to treat me as family, but I have big problems with that (especially them trying to hug me, big no no, I don't hug anyone except my kids and my man). I personally think that two people who are together don't have to interact with the other's family. I have never had any kind of relationship with any mans mom and now that I have spent time with my boyfriends mother, its very uncomfortable for me. I have always been this way, even with my own family. I don't call or visit my family but there are no hard feelings, they know me. I never ask my boyfriend to go with me nor do I get mad if decides he doesn't want to go, I really don't care. My boyfriend not being around my family is actually what I want. I have told him many times, I don't like going to family events and it turns into an arguement.

I want to marry him, we have a great relationship other than the family thing. I am just wondering does anyone else have this problem and what have they done. Now I know someone might say I should compromise, but I feel like there is no compromise. I have been going to almost every family event since we've been together and its taking a toll on me and how I feel about my boyfriend (Does he really respect me?). So its either I go and he's happy or a dont go and he's mad. There is no compromise, I don't want to go at all, not even once a year. I don't want this to be a deal breaker, but if he insists that I go even half the time I can't be in a marriage like that. I don't want to feel like I have to suffer to make him happy. Should I just end this now before it goes any further? I love who I am and it has taken a long time to come to that point. I refuse to compromise who I am just to please someone.

 
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Old 02-28-2007, 01:22 PM   #2
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Re: No more famlit events

Hi there. I am exactly like you - I don't have any contact with any of my extended family, and haven't for years. They are all wonderful people...but I grew up with a depressive mother who cut herself off from her family so I never had the opprotunity to bond with anyone. So, like you, I've never wanted to spend much time around my boyfriend's family either. But I'm fortunate in the fact that my boyfriend is pretty much a sociopath and doesn't like families either. I've gotten dragged along to a few holidays though and actually I've always found myself having a good time.

I'm sure your boyfriend is probably sad because he loves you so much and is so excited about you joining his family. But if you absolutely, positively don't have the slightest bit of a good time around them, then I guess there isn't much point to putting yourself through that kind of torture. If you really think it's worth it to lose your boyfriend over something like this, then maybe the relationship isn't very solid anyway. My ex-boyfriend was big on family and friends, and that made our relationship hard. I remember one time he said he was taking me on a surprise trip...and it ended up being to meet his cousin's family. I WAS FUMING.

So I know where you're coming from. If you feel like this is always going to be a huge issue, then...do what you gotta do. I wish you the best
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Old 02-28-2007, 01:59 PM   #3
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Re: No more famlit events

Quote:
Originally Posted by AmIwrong2005 View Post
I personally think that two people who are together don't have to interact with the other's family.
well you don't have to as long as you're both in agreement about it, but it doesn't sound like you are. Whether you like it or not, when you marry someone, you marry their family. Maybe you better rethink this relationship, or any relationship if you're not willing to compromise. You will have to find someone who has no family, or their family lives far far away if you aren't willing to ever compromise.

 
Old 02-28-2007, 01:59 PM   #4
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Re: No more famlit events

Its a normal thing to see your boyfriends parents. Im not really sure why not having any contact with them is a must. Im not saying you have to see them all the time but wanting to never have any contact with them is a little unusual.

You cant expect his parents to just let their son marry you and not have any further contact with you guys.

I dont see how you could break up with him because you dont want to see his parents. I mean this is perfectly normal, you cant expect him to abide by your unusual request when it involves him not having any contact with his family.

If you hate family so much then the wedding will probably be the worst day of your life, unless you guys wont be having a formal wedding.

Seeing your spouses parents is something you have to do, its not like once your married your parents say goodbye forever.

If this is something you cannot compromise on, I dont think you will have another relationship.

This is almost like saying that you dont want him or yourself to work because you dont like interacting with coworkers.

Marriage is about compromise and what your asking him to do is impossible for any man unless as stated his entire family has died.

Last edited by Dang12; 02-28-2007 at 02:15 PM.

 
Old 02-28-2007, 02:27 PM   #5
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Re: No more famlit events

I didn't say he should not have contact with his family. I would never want to come between that. If family is important to him then he should be with them as much as he wants. I don't feel like I should have to interact with them. I feel families should stay seperate (to avoid conflict) and I personally don't believe in that "when you marry someone you marry their family". That is so far from true. I don't want to have to deal with the things he has had to tolerate his whole life. Every family has their own little quirks, that over years, people learn to deal with. Well I feel like I shouldn't have to learn to deal with those quirks. I'm not thier famliy, I'm not related in any way, no blood line NOTHING.

 
Old 02-28-2007, 02:42 PM   #6
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Re: No more famlit events

well you're marrying their son, brother, etc......
are you planning on having children?
what if your son married a girl who felt the way you do, how would you feel?
If his family is toxic, abusive, etc.....that is a whole nother matter, if that's the case I apologize, but it that's not the case it sounds like you're just being unreasonable. have you told him how you feel about it? Does he know that you want nothing whatsoever to do with his family?

 
Old 02-28-2007, 02:44 PM   #7
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Re: No more famlit events

Dont get me wrong, I hate going to family events. However, I go because its the polite and customary thing to do. Thats what people do.

Is there going to be a wedding,? You need a witness so someone other then you and your boyfriend has to be there.

Is your behavior towards family because of your own experiences with your family?

Again, you dont have to hang out with his family alot, but having no contact with his family is extremely sketchy.

If you have kids are they allowed to see family?

Last edited by Dang12; 02-28-2007 at 02:51 PM.

 
Old 02-28-2007, 02:47 PM   #8
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Re: No more famlit events

when I was married, I looked at going to family events on his side as "chores" , but I went anyway......
Just like I don't really particularly care for going to funerals, but I go out of a matter of respect. Sometimes in life we do things we don't particularly enjoy because it's the right thing to do.

 
Old 02-28-2007, 03:10 PM   #9
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Re: No more famlit events

We have children, I am not stopping my children from being with his family, I'm not asking him to stop interaction with his family. All I'm asking is to be respected and not included in a famliy I am not apart of. I don't want to be with him because of his family, I want to be with him because of the family we have together. As far as I see it he should go and be with his family, I should go be with mine, and me and him come together in the family we created. I don't think it is polite to drag someone with you somewhere because its customary. Why would anyone want to take a person somewhere they don't want to be, to me thats selfish. I know some people have this idea that doing something for the one you love should make you happy, but it doesn't work that way for me. When I do something for someone I do it because I want to, not because its "the nice thing to do". I would never and have never asked anyone to do anything they dont want to do, thats silly to me. I just wish there were a few people who could understand I'm not asking him to leave his famliy or curse them, and I am definitely not saying there are horrible people(they are great) I'm just asking not to be put in an uncomfortable situation over and over.

 
Old 02-28-2007, 03:20 PM   #10
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Re: No more famlit events

just out of curiousity, would you go to a wedding if someone in his family got married? would you go to a funeral if someone in his family died? part of being a couple is supporting each other and that includes doing some things you're not particularlly fond of. Your screen name is amIwrong.....so it sounds like you are wondering if you are.......

I don't believe you answered my questions from the last post.....
so I'll ask you again, in case they got overlooked....
what if your son married a girl who felt the way you do, how would you feel?
have you told him how you feel about it? Does he know that you want nothing whatsoever to do with his family? how does he feel about that?

 
Old 02-28-2007, 04:59 PM   #11
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Re: No more famlit events

If my son married a woman who didn't want to be around me...WHO CARES!!! LOL I wouldn't care about her anyway, she's not the one I gave birth to, thats my sons problem if her being around me is important. My boyfriend knows how I feel and he for some reason thinks that I am "coming around" when in actuality I was really going just so he would shut the hell up. I really don't like it and I hate the thought of there being this mandatory rule about me being around his family. They aren't my family. I don't go to funerals anyway....last time I went I was forced to go and I don't get a kick out of seeing dead bodies. And anyway, why would I go to a funeral of someone that had nothing to do with me???????? I WOULD NEVER ASK HIM TO ATTEND A FUNERAL, to me that's a personal event and if you don't know the deceased, for me personally, my significant other couldn't console me. It would be more of an annoyance because I have to tell him about the dead person. I don't think I am wrong, I'm just asking.
I know someone is probably thinking I'm selfish and what not, I have just been taught (by society) that being different is taboo and we all have to go by this code of "everyone else does it, so should I". I don't. I spent my life up until 18 living with my parents having to do what they said when I was already set in my ways (so my mother says). I am different, I go in my own directon and never let anyone tell me different. And if being in this family crap is so important, I'm going to end up spending my life alone.

 
Old 02-28-2007, 11:46 PM   #12
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Re: No more famlit events

Thats the whole point of funerals, no one gets a kick out of seeing the deceased.

You definetly will spend your life alone if you cannot compromise on this. Are you that set in your ways that you would rather be alone your entire life then meet your husbands parents occasionally? I would never let my son/daughter marry someone who was as cold hearted as you.

I have never heard of someone like you, dont think there are many others if any that feel the way you do. You are incredibly selfish.

Im surprised your asking us for advice because that would involve talking to other people besides your boyfriend.

Last edited by Dang12; 02-28-2007 at 11:54 PM.

 
Old 03-01-2007, 12:07 AM   #13
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Re: No more famlit events

Of course everybody has their own individual views on families after marriage, but my parents would be and actually were devestated when my husband stopped visiting them with me as he felt there was no need to visit them as they were not his parents. This caused MANY dramas, disagreements and heartache. I used to make up lies why he wouldn't visit them ever and this went on for some years. We ended up divorcing for other reasons, but boy was i glad when i was out of the relationship so i could finally tell my parents the truth about how he felt about things.

Majority of people when they marry, the daughter-in-law becomes similar to a daughter to the inlaws as does the son to his inlaws. This is why at marriage ceremonies the inlaws welcome the newly married couple into their families as a "son" and a "daughter".

Now if there has been some infighting prior to the wedding and you dont visit them much anyway, they likely wont care that you arent visiting, but if you all get on well and they respect and like you it will crush them that you wont ever visit. They will likely view this as a slap in the face.

The other thing you need to consider is when/if you decide to have children, it will look odd that you dont ever take the kids to visit the grandparents. Sure your husband can take them, but i think sooner or later the kids will start asking why doesn't mum ever visit the grandparents.

If you aren't visiting them they will then likely feel very uncomfortable visiting your house to see their son.

If they lived far away then obviously visits would be rare, but if they live close you can't expect to simply turn up at Christmas and the odd birthday. It is normal for most couples to sometimes visit the inlaws for a dinner or a lunch and interact as a family. Okay families can be a pain in the rear at times, but they can also be handy in a crisis, help you when you are ill, help with the kids etc.

It sounds like you feel very strongly about extended families and maybe it is something you ought to bring up in private with his mother or his parents so that they know exactly why you feel this way and that it's "you" and not something they have done. Otherwise they will keep thinking they had done something to cause you not visiting. The bottom line is that you are marrying someone and his family likely mean a lot to him and sometimes you simply have to take the good with the bad.

 
Old 03-01-2007, 12:26 AM   #14
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Re: No more famlit events

My comments.........

It's actually pretty scary to think that way.

It just seems like you are on your way to being alone.

Hey...it's your life. If you're happy.....then good for you.

 
Old 03-01-2007, 02:30 AM   #15
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Re: No more famlit events

you know i would kill to have a good rel with my partners parents. dont take this the wrong way, but get a grip. its a nice thing for you to be close to them. and its what your partner wants, so do it for him, if not yourself.

 
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