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should i leave or not.....confused.


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Old 03-01-2007, 01:57 PM   #1
watermelon123
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Unhappy should i leave or not.....confused.

I have been married for 2 and a half years. We got engaged after 4 months and pregnant at 5 months and married at 8 months. now 21/2 years later, i am very unhappy. I dont think i ever really was in love with my now husband. After now getting to know him, he is nothing of what i thought i was marrying. Plus I do everything to keep the lifestyle we have going together. I pay bills, clean house, do cooking, raise our son and take care of his 5 year old son on everyother weekend. On top of I run a dayhome and still pick up the odd shift at the hospital to keep my nursing registration going. I have had to nag him and nag him to finally deal with his bankruptcy, which i had to pay the end result of. My husband is 6 years younger than me, and it shows (im31 and he is 25). I have to ask him to do everything, he takes initiative to do nothing. We just bought a house and I thought it would help but it hasnt, i had to handle the whole transaction and was so stressed out. Over the last 3 years he has gotten better at going to work and now has a stable job that so far we have been able to count on. He has been trying to get a journeyman for two years but keeps failing exams because he wont study.

The other problem is my husband does not like himself and is a very depressed person, unable to express himself (he doesnt know who he is), unable to express emotion. He was severely mistreated as a child by his father, they fought physically on more than one occasion. He now takes to hurting himself, cutting himself. He has on more than one occasion broken a chair or kneed in a door, or smashed a window in a fit of rage. This he keeps promising to get help for but never follows through on. We have fought endlessly about him helping more around the house but I still have to remind him to shuvle the driveway, take out the garbage or even change the oil in the cars. I have to ask him to play with our son, and he always acts put out if he has to put our son to bed or bath him. I have tried so many ways of communicating with him, from being calm, to yelling, to counselling sessions for both and myself, and nothing works. He has made so many promises and hasnt followed through on any of them.

I feel guilty for wanting to leave because this disrupts my 2 year old sons family home but on the other hand i dont want him to grow up with parents who have no love between them. I grew up with that.

I feel like I have nothing else to give to this relationship, nothing about marrying my husband has been a positive experience, his family is not a stable environment either. I dont want to try anymore and cannot even handle being touched by my husband.

There is one more complication, right before i met my husband i had finally (1month earlier ) said goodbye to a man that i had been in love with for almost 10 years because he would not take care of his drinking problem. We had been friends off and on for the last few years and had gone out for only a couple years before that. Then 1 year after i got married i found out he had gone into rehab and sobered up and has been now for 21/2 years. i have only talked with him twice, never seen him ( i would not be unfaithful) but have dreamt about him continuosly since i got married. he is still single and i feel like my life has become what i wanted but with the wrong man. (except for my son, this is the part that really confuses me). When i talk with this man it is so easy and before i met my husband i knew that i had the right connection with this other man to make a life if he would take care of his drinking. I believed for years that he would and then when I finally give up on him he does. This confuses me greatly. I dont know if there is a future with him now or not, but it is adding to my stress and inability to settle in the spot im in now.

i'm so confused, can somebody give me their opinion on this situation.

Last edited by watermelon123; 03-01-2007 at 02:28 PM.

 
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Old 03-01-2007, 02:27 PM   #2
happymom28
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Re: should i leave or not.....confused.

My first opinion is (and correct me if I'm wrong) is it seems that your husband was a rebound man. You jumped into your relationship and marriage very quickly and now that you know who he really is you regret your decision. Is that a fair statement?

It seems you have made a lot of effort toward your marriage while he sits back and enjoys the ride. You have tried talking and counselling with no results. Let me ask you this question, if you knew nothing about your ex would you still want to save your marriage?

 
Old 03-01-2007, 02:33 PM   #3
watermelon123
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Re: should i leave or not.....confused.

Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
My first opinion is (and correct me if I'm wrong) is it seems that your husband was a rebound man. You jumped into your relationship and marriage very quickly and now that you know who he really is you regret your decision. Is that a fair statement?

It seems you have made a lot of effort toward your marriage while he sits back and enjoys the ride. You have tried talking and counselling with no results. Let me ask you this question, if you knew nothing about your ex would you still want to save your marriage?
i know that i dont love my husband like a husband, i love him like a brother, and want him to be happy but i know im not the right person for him. To answer your question, no i wouldnt want to save my marriage. I am scared for the mental health of my husband if i leave. Also how much are you supposed to sacrifice of yourself for your children?

 
Old 03-01-2007, 02:34 PM   #4
prairie_dawn
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Re: should i leave or not.....confused.

first things first....STOP looking at the other side of hte fence...You think it might be greener BUT IT IS NOT! You want this other man? You dream of him? Why becuase you are unhappy with what you have now? Yes that would be the reason... Someone to save you. You were in a relationship before with this person who was a drunk and now because he is sober and single you are dreaming of what it could have been like... Yes it happens and I am sorry that you are in the realstionship that you are in. But stop talking to this ex because he is no better. And I am not saying this because he was a drunk I am saying it because you arent thinking clearly and if you plan on leaving your husband dont let it be becase of someone else.

How old are you and he? Have you spoken with him before about this problem/problems? You seem to be doing fine on your own without his help. Since you are the one remembering to do other stuff and reminding him I would recomend that you have a chat with him about this.

Also do you have a good relationship with his ex (the one with the kid) if you choose to leave him you would want to stay in contact with her atleast so you can make sure the children still see eachother. That is always good for siblings to stay together and have that bond.

I wont say for you to go or stay but I will say this......I married 1st time at 19 had a son at 21 decided that being a mama to one was enough and left when he was 7months old. We get along very well because I siad that it wasnt fair to fight and we are good friends now. I met a man who is my 2nd husband and are married 7 years now but have known eachother a very long time. Think of what you want then talk to him about it. If he doesnt want the same things you want then you know what you have to do. But be smart and do the right thing...dont be sneaky dont lie just do what needs to be done and dont make it messy. When I left I had lived with him in his place. I took what I came in with and what I bought and that was it. Me, my kid and my clothes. Never asked for anything else but child support. And that truely was a blessing because although the lawyers were getting all messy with stuff they didnt realized he and I had had enough and sat down one day and sorted it all out over coffee. Be smart talk to him and if he doesnt want it your way or comprimise then do what you need to. But remember it is hard. I stay at home and do everything while my dh goes to work from 7am till 11pm and even when he gets home early to tuck our babies into bed he works from home. He makes good money but we know what we are doing and know our goals. If you have to force him to work and do what needs to be done your kid and his other one doesnt need to see that. I would have rathered my son saw him mom stuggle to keep ends meet than watch a marriage destroy her. My oldest is almost 12 years old and he loves me, his father and his papa. He knows for the most part why i left and knows I did what i had to do. He has always known my 2nd husband as he was very young when I started to date him. But my ex never changed and my son knows it and complains about the same things i use to. LOL

good luck wiht this.

 
Old 03-01-2007, 02:40 PM   #5
happymom28
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Re: should i leave or not.....confused.

You are definately frustrated with all of your trying. I can totally understand that. But if your marriage can be saved don't you think you owe it to yourself, your husband, and your child?

I think you need to tell your husband that he needs to go to counselling for his depression and his unresolved issues from his past or you are going to leave. This may be just what he needs to get him into action. I know you have tried counseling together and for yourself, but the core problem here lies with him. He can't be a decent husband or father if he is unhappy with himself.

You also have to put the thoughts of your ex out of your head. The grass isn't always greener and you chose to move on and marry your husband whether he was a rebound or not. That is a serious committment and it's not fair to just say "to heck with it all".

Last edited by happymom28; 03-01-2007 at 02:49 PM.

 
Old 03-01-2007, 03:07 PM   #6
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Re: should i leave or not.....confused.

Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
You are definately frustrated with all of your trying. I can totally understand that. But if your marriage can be saved don't you think you owe it to yourself, your husband, and your child?

I think you need to tell your husband that he needs to go to counselling for his depression and his unresolved issues from his past or you are going to leave. This may be just what he needs to get him into action. I know you have tried counseling together and for yourself, but the core problem here lies with him. He can't be a decent husband or father if he is unhappy with himself.

You also have to put the thoughts of your ex out of your head. The grass isn't always greener and you chose to move on and marry your husband whether he was a rebound or not. That is a serious committment and it's not fair to just say "to heck with it all".

 
Old 03-01-2007, 03:09 PM   #7
watermelon123
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Re: should i leave or not.....confused.

I have numerous times said that I could not handle taking care of our family and doing everything for him, and said that I was going to leave if he didn't get help. The problem is I have to set up all of his counselling appointments or he doesnt go or make them. How much am I expected to do for this man?

 
Old 03-01-2007, 03:43 PM   #8
skitz600
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Re: should i leave or not.....confused.

My husband and I had a lot off problems when we started out. He is 4 years older than me. I'm 23 and he's 27. He used to have a drinking problem and he wasn't doing much with his life. I, like you felt like I was the only one contributing to our marrige. I was fed up and I left. I too thought that someone else would treat me better. maybe that could have happened, but after being seperated for 6 months I realized that no one can replace the memories we shared together. fortunitly for me he wanted to try to work things out and he finaly noticed what he was doing wrong. I also found out some things I had to change. Maybe you could take a brake, live on your own and try to find yourself. I definitly would stay away from other men until you have your mind straight. We went to counceling and we now know that divorce is not for us! It is so easy to just give up. remember that you and your husband are a team, marrige is not a compitition between each other. if you could get him to counceling, i'm sure it would benifit all of you. maybe you could suggest it to him as a benefit for your son. I'm sure he doesn't want his son to go through anything like he went through. It sounds like your husband doesn't want to get emotionaly attatched to anyone. there are many things he can do to try to get over his past, but it takes time. he can talk to councelors or go to church, but his best bet is you. I'm sure when you started out there was something that brought you two together. take your time with your decision and you shouldn't regret it. if your husband really doesn't want to change then I would move on, but I would take sometime to get over this relationship before you think of starting a new one. I'll pray for you! And best of luck!!!

 
Old 03-01-2007, 04:13 PM   #9
happymom28
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Re: should i leave or not.....confused.

Quote:
Originally Posted by watermelon123 View Post
I have numerous times said that I could not handle taking care of our family and doing everything for him, and said that I was going to leave if he didn't get help. The problem is I have to set up all of his counselling appointments or he doesnt go or make them. How much am I expected to do for this man?
I understand what you are saying. My ex-husband (who I divorced because of abusive and controlling behavior) actually called me one day and after speaking to our daughter and pretty much demanded me to call his cardiologist and make an appointment for him. I just hung up on him laughing. I have no idea whether or not he is finally able to take care of himself.

Maybe the only choice you have is to separate for a while and see if that helps. I mean, you are doing it all anyway, right? Your threat of leaving has fallen on deaf ears. This will give him a chance to see that you mean what you say and get to action. If he does nothing at that point then what else can you do except move on? You're right, how much can you put up with?

I'm sorry this is such a miserable time for you. I like to believe that all marriages are worth saving (as long as there is no cheating or abuse involved) but I just may be wrong. You are basicly married to yourself here. You can't help someone if they are unable to help themselves. There does come a point where you need to move on. Just be sure if you do decide to leave you do it for all the right reasons and don't let your ex be a deciding factor.

Last edited by happymom28; 03-01-2007 at 04:15 PM.

 
Old 03-01-2007, 10:44 PM   #10
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Re: should i leave or not.....confused.

I wonder if at all he feels cheated out of his 20s. he had a kid at 20, another one at 23ish and at present time, an older wife (not saying its negative b/c of a stigma, but an older spouse who knows what they want in life is sometimes hard on someone who is going through a self-discovery period which the early 20s are), a house....these are a lot of responsibilities to handle at a young age.

however, he did make his bed and now he has to lie in it, its not like he can return back in time.

depression can be a very difficult thing to pass through at the best of times, and feeling pressured by loved ones i am sure can't make it easier. i wonder if he resents you as you may represent the culmination of his responisility (and therefore, may see it more of a chore/duty when you tell him to spend time with his son).

i am not saying you shouldn't pressure him or you should stay or you should leave. you need to decide that, and do whats best for you. you just (oddly to me, but i don't know him) seem suprised that a 25 year old is acting this way....

anyway, if the only thing that is holding you back from leaving is his mental health, i would go. number 1, he IS 25, not a 50 year old man who is settled in his ways...it may be relatively easy for him to bounce back. number 2, maybe this is a life lesson he needs to learn; maybe you leaving will teach him responsibility, maturity, respect, etc. number 3, if he does harm himself, thats not your responisbility; i am a firm believer that you cannot live your life for others. if you do leave and he shows signs of mental distress, i would also be wary of unsupervised visits with his children.

Last edited by jo5086; 03-01-2007 at 10:45 PM.

 
Old 03-01-2007, 11:50 PM   #11
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Re: should i leave or not.....confused.

wow...reading your post really made me think of the situation i am in. I have been married almost a year, we have no children. My husband too has debt he doesnt want to deal with. I am constantly telling him he needs to make sure it is taken care of. He also has an unstable family background, they are the ones that put him into debt. He gave them a credit card, it turned into two credit cards and now we have debt!

My husband too doesnt feel very motivated around our apartment, im constantly asking for more help and have almost left him because of his lack of help. He cleans up his act a bit then falls back into his old routein. I feel liek a nag. Our sex life is also nil. It really makes me feel good to know im not the only one in this type of situation. I can really feel for you. Because I too amd the one doing majority of cleaning, caring for our dog which is still a puppy and a lot of work, making sure our bills are paid on time etc etc.

The only advice I can offer is. You were strong enough to leave your past man when you knew things wernt going to go anywhere because of his drinking problem. Granted you didnt have a child with him you did what was best for you. I feel like I should take own advice here as well. But I know it requires courage to do what I just listed above.

Like a previous poster mentioned you probably shouldnt think of going back to your ex, but like you I have that image in my head from time to time. I know it's hard to deal with. But try thinking of someone else out there that maybe you havent met yet.

I know I am not the best person to give you advice in this situation, but I wanted you to know you are not alone and im sure we arent the only two out there!!

Last edited by kkassel; 03-01-2007 at 11:56 PM. Reason: spelling

 
Old 03-02-2007, 09:52 AM   #12
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Smile Re: should i leave or not.....confused.

Your comments were very enlightening and refreshing. Your right, it is very normal for a person of 25 to be in the spot he is in. I actually have offered to my husband time away from me and our son to indulge himself in discovery, but unfortunately I believe he is to insecure to follow through or even realize that that is what he needs. Unfortunately I think I am going to have to leave, as i think your right, the pressure and responsibility of a mortgage, kids, wife, and so on... is just to much for him to even begin to be able to heal himself inside. I know we both will be better off apart, I just wish he would be able to see that we are not in the same place and are beyond repair. I do fear his reaction to me going, he is a very angry person, as well as, depressed and has lashed out violently before. He has never hurt me or my son, he has only hurt himself or broken things around him. Thanks for your comments. It has taken me the last year to sort through what the right thing to do is, for me and my son and for my husband. But finally im starting to see the picture a little clearer. I have tried everything i can possibly think of to try and help, and i have nothing left inside for this man, as i believe he will just keep taking as long as im giving. I feel very sad this wont work but feel a little more relaxed knowing that i will be doing what is best for all of my family. I dont want my son to grow up in a house that is full anger, and rage, and constant disappointment. I am finally at a place in my life that i want to give and share, and this i want my son to learn. Thanks for your comments. Very appreciated.




i

Last edited by watermelon123; 03-02-2007 at 09:54 AM.

 
Old 03-09-2007, 02:21 PM   #13
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Re: should i leave or not.....confused.

watermelon-
i am exactly where you are. i too am married, with a kindergartener, and find myself thinking of another person i am currently good friends with. it's been almost 3 years w/o a sex life. i can't remember the last time he has really kissed me, complimented me (without me asking), thanked me for anything, etc. like another poster, there is an addiction issue-prescriptions for him, alcohol for me (i'm in recovery for almost 4 years now). i really miss the man i married, but the misery of the one i'm with now is incredibly depressing. it seems like no matter how much i do, it's not enough. the only way i get any relief is to leave and hang out with my friends who really care. i don't see why i should leave. I purchased the house with $ from my old house that i owned prior to our marriage, he was unemployed at the time, and has not contributed financially anywhere close to equally. thankfully, nothing i own is tied to him and his debt (credit card, irs, etc) is not going to be paid by me. i should say that his debt accrued from his addiction which i had no part in. still, he loves to b#$*! about how horrible his life is. it is a fight to get any $ for bills out of him, get him to do household chores, spend time with his child other than watching tv, etc.
i'm afraid i don't have any advice to give. just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
laney

 
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