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in need of serious advice :(


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Old 03-07-2007, 12:28 AM   #1
angel_light
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in need of serious advice :(

Ok, it has been awhile... life is alright I guess... I am working now.. just not as much as I need to be.

My relationship with my parents has gotten better. My mother and I are on speaking terms again. She apologized...

My fiance and I are in a rough spot I think..

We have been alright, but lately he has been depressed. I know he is even if he does not say so. I thought things were alright, not great, but alright.

Valentines was ey, so so. I made him dinner, brought him 2 roses, etc. He took me to victoria secrets that weekend. Things seemed good. Two weekends ago our friend (female) came up and hung out.. seemed alright.
Tonight I overheard him talking to our female friend... he said he is stressed, feels like I do not care, said that I hold him back, that without me he would save so much money, because he would not need a house, or have to pay for my car, my cell phone, etc. Was telling her about problems that had happened in the past... things that I did that was not on purpose. Told her he and I have almost broken up 2 times but it has not worked. Said he cannot get rid of me.. then said he does not want to have to start all over since he has come this far. Said that I did not do anything to get where we are, (except you know I made more than him the first year I moved across the country for his sorry a**) I brought in money, I put up with all of his girly friends, his drinking with her and her roommates, his almost cheating. I never said a word. He does not even know I know that he was talking to this girl, wanted to meet her, told her he was single. It lasted a week, but he never knew that I knew.

I did not hear the rest of the conversation, but I know she told him to break up with me. I know she also tried to defend me as well saying that he is not always nice to me. Which he is not. When he was on his medicine from his accident he had almost hit me.. I never told anyone, I do not even know if he remembers because he was so out of it. She does not know that....

I know he ended the conversation with well, I will see what happens.

What hurts most is that he thinks I drag him down, he thinks I hold him back I do none of that or maybe I am just this horrible person that does these horrible things without knowing. What else hurt is that he said that he would hate to have to start all over again so is that why he is staying because he has invested 4 freaking years? Is this a good thing or a bad thing. I do not think he even loves me anymore... yet two nights ago when he wanted sex he was telling me how I meant everything to him and how he knew he had stayed with me because he truly loved me.

I am so hurt, so hurt... and I live with this man.

 
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Old 03-07-2007, 01:21 AM   #2
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Re: in need of serious advice :(

How awful for you to hear this stuff....on the other hand, not everyone gets to hear the horrible real feelings from someone like this tosser. Whatever he says and does in the future, you will always know what he said. I don't think you can have a future with this guy, and why would you want to now. So sorry..Sera

 
Old 03-07-2007, 07:00 AM   #3
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Re: in need of serious advice :(

You should tell him that you overheard the conversation and want to know what he ment by saying all those things. You need to find out if this relationship is worth saving.

 
Old 03-07-2007, 07:41 AM   #4
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Re: in need of serious advice :(

Hi Angel,

What bothers me is that your fiance was able to communicate his feelings to someone else, not you and that's not a good thing. Any type of relationship that is going to work consists of communication, honesty, trust, etc.

If your fiance feels that you are holding him back, then he needs to find himself in many ways, I think he has lots of growing up to do and it doesn't sound like he's ready for marriage or any type of serious commitment. As far as the sex goes, when any partner wants sex they will say and do things to get that.

I would sit down with him and not tell him you overheard the conversation, but ask him what he really wants from life including relationships. I would give him the choice to opt out of this relationship with you and make it easy for him. It just sounds like he's not ready yet.

I really feel that if you ended up with him now, you would be miserable. He would be cheating on you as the signs are there already, he may even try to hit you again (as you mentioned in your post). He sounds angry.

Just because you are together for 4 years does not mean anything. I believe one must live in the moment, not in the past and you have choices for today and for the rest of your life.

Those are my thoughts,
Sunny

 
Old 03-07-2007, 02:32 PM   #5
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Re: in need of serious advice :(

It sounds like he doesn't want to be with you but doesn't want to be alone. He needs to get the F out of your life and you need to find someone that's mature....You can't even imagine how angry that made me when you started talking about what he said to your "friend". What an a--h---. I'm so sure...you are holding him back...give me a BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When I got a divorce and we were in the process of seperating...one day my EX was talking to his best friend on the phone and she was telling him that "I bet now you are going to be a millionare and that's going to be so funny when she sees you making all that money." Or something to that effect...I was so mad and guess what...that's been over a year and half ago and he is still unemployeed! HAHAHAHA! So much for me holding him back...haha! Your BF wants his cake and eat it too...he wants you there with him but he wants you to take care of yourself or something. All I know is that if my husband had said that and I heard it before we got married...we would NOT be married right now. I wouldn't be around holding him back that's for sure!
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Old 03-07-2007, 02:42 PM   #6
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Re: in need of serious advice :(

stop holding him back....
let him go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
Old 03-07-2007, 03:10 PM   #7
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Re: in need of serious advice :(

Maybe he just needs a better paying JOB
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Old 03-07-2007, 03:41 PM   #8
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Re: in need of serious advice :(

KICK HIM OUT!
If i was to hear that, my my, id have stormed in there and told me to P!SS O and KICK HIM OUT OF THE DAMN HOUSE!
This guy has NO SHAME, NO RESPECT. HE is MEANT to be a MAN- he isnt. he is SELFISH, DISGUSTING...HOW DARE HE!
KICK HIM OUT!
HOW DARE HE DO THAT TO YOU AFTER SO LONG. AFTER HAVING SEX. AFTER TELLING YOU HE LOVES YOU.
GET HIM OUT!
argh sorry i had to vent.

please go counselling because i tihnk you need to gain some sort of perspective on this. ASAP.
you dont want to be with this man, trust me.
you dont want kids with this man, trust me.

OUT! GET OUT!

 
Old 03-07-2007, 03:47 PM   #9
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Re: in need of serious advice :(

wow AJ !
I'm proud of you! I like the new you!
tough stuff!
tough love!

 
Old 03-07-2007, 03:48 PM   #10
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Re: in need of serious advice :(

I was going to add:

What would he do if he had kids for pete's sake!? He's not all that young is he?

Oh and BTW...happy to hear that your Mother apologized to you...because if she's the way you say she is(and I have no reason to think otherwise) those kind of people rarely admit to fault! So that's a huge step for her!
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Last edited by keepsgoin; 03-07-2007 at 08:37 PM.

 
Old 03-07-2007, 08:23 PM   #11
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Re: in need of serious advice :(

Wow.....I am surprise that you are not locked up!

If I were you....He probably have a huge bump on the side of his head already.

He have no appreciation or respect what-so-ever.

It's like all he wants is sex from you and that's it.

Sorry.....I don't know what else to tell you. Except to move on with your life. You deserve to be with someone that is Caring, honest....more importantly...a person that doesn't betray you.

 
Old 03-08-2007, 12:53 AM   #12
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Re: in need of serious advice :(

Angel Light, I'm sorry you're so hurt, but I think it ws a good thing you heard that conversation. You heard how he really feels about you. I'm sorry, AL but this has been going on with this guy for far too long. I just don't see any real long term happiness with this guy. You ask what to do? Well, there really isn't much to do, you either stay with a man who has told his friend that he doesn't really love you, is only with you becuase he's afraid to start over, and take his abuse and pray he never gets the courage and inspiration to start over, because if he does, believe me, you'll be out on your butt faster than you can figure out what happened, OR you can muster up your courage and self respect and walk away. three guesses which one I'm voting for.

 
Old 03-08-2007, 03:03 AM   #13
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Re: in need of serious advice :(

What Hurts So Bad Is He Did Not Come To Me, But Instead To This B*tch Who Is No Longer My Friend.

 
Old 03-08-2007, 03:16 AM   #14
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Re: in need of serious advice :(

What also hurts is that he was my first. I only had sex with him because of the empty promises... we are only in our late 20s.. why would he say such things... I just do not know.. and now today he acts like everything is fine and dandy... he is loving towards me, ***? I do not want this woman in my home anymore..

I do not even think I want him anymore... not after everything I had heard... even if it was venting.. he should not have said what he said. I never hold him back, instead I am there no matter what like a little good girl... always waiting on him hand and foot. I take care of him, no matter what he says. I bathed this man, I helped him go to the bathroom after he was injured. It has only been a few months and this is how I am repaid?

I am in shock. I love him so much. I would walk out right now but I have friends and family visiting. I want to save face and wait until they leave. They have no clue that anything is wrong. Can you believe him? I want to call up my so called friend and ask her everything that was said.
Even though I already know.

I am lost, truly lost. I have had enough... we have had so many problems, and all of them he thinks is my problem... he blames me for everything. Says I stress him out because I am a little ditzy. I admit I am, but I never do anything out of spite. I try so hard, so hard. What is so strange is now how he is all lovey dovey, calling me by our pet names for eachother, last night he did not talk to me much, today he has been... I do not know. Could it be a moment of instanity for him. Could he have just been so stressed out he said things he did not mean? I mean we have almost broken up 3 times and over the stupidest *****. I never brought it up he has and we are still here.

I am not too old to start over... I am only 25. I have my entire life ahead of me. I need people to talk to, I have been so depressed. What sucks is that I had such a good day... then I walked by the bedroom door and overheard his conversation which btw was over an hour. I was heart broken. I lost my appetite. I did not even go to work today I was so out of it from what he had said.

So scared.. and so hurt... so sad... I know what needs to be done but I do not want to do it.

 
Old 03-08-2007, 03:54 AM   #15
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Re: in need of serious advice :(

AL - I know how bad it hurts, I do, and I know how hard it is. But I think it would be beneficial if you keep your focus. I don't understand why you're focusing so much anger on this woman he was talking to when you didn't even hear what she was saying. The only thing she did was listen to him. He is the one you need to be dealing with right now. And If the peopole visiting are close friends and family, there's no need for you to "save face", what's going on isn't your shame. They can be a support system for you. It's important to NOT isolate yourself right now. They may be a good source of support for you now. Do you think they'd understand your side and be helplful and sympathetic to you?

 
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