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Why is it so hard to be Friends?


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Old 03-10-2007, 06:44 PM   #1
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Why is it so hard to be Friends?

First off, I'm 22.

I have been in two long relationships in my life. The first one lasted four years and was over one day before I knew it. My GF at the time left (we were living together at my house) and never came back except to get her things. I have talked to her probably three times since, and still to this day am not completely sure why she left. I never got the opportunity to be friends in that relationship.

The second relationship lasted about 2 years, and we have been split up for about 3 months. I have dated some girls in between and after these long relationships, but none of them were ever serious.

This last relationship worked out better. The problem is that I find it very hard to move on and "just be friends". I feel like such a hipocrit because all the things I am preaching about being friends I cannot uphold. For the first month after we split up, I tried to make it ok that we still had sex a couple times, which was initiated by me, not her. I slipped all the time and called her things like, babe, and sugar. Things that had become habit. She would get ****** at me and say things like "my name is (name), not babe. I did not understand why she got upset over little things like this, and like I said, I tried to tell her that it would just take time.

Now looking back, I feel bad about having sex with her and slipping back to relationship habits, because it obviously hurt her-her trying to make progress in the "friends frame of things". It seems to be a little easier for her, and I think I'm taking it alot worse. All it takes is simply seeing her and it screws my whole world up. I start to tear up and become overwhelmed with grief and sadness, and the fact that I know we can't be together because of-- in a nut shell-- "irreconsilable differences". She becomes upset because we have been through this so many times, and it usually ends with her leaving and me staring at the door. It gets pretty bad.

All I want to do is just be friends, and have the person she was to be there for me and be proud of the things I do and such. But It's like my own actions and inability to control my emotions are driving her away.

I just feel so bad because I have not heard from her in a week and I am so used to talking to her every day. It is so hard to lose your best friend, especially when you don't really have any other friends that close.

Have any of you had this problem male or female, and what did you do? What advice would you give to possibly help me better engage myself into the "friends" mode? I don't want to lose my best friend over my own actions. Thank you for the help.

 
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Old 03-10-2007, 06:51 PM   #2
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Re: Why is it so hard to be Friends?

You are obviously really heartbroken at the moment. I think you are fooling yourself a bit when you say you just want the friendship. Your distress and your actions scream that you want the relationship back so much that you would settle for less just to be with her. The main thing is that both of you must want this before it will work. I have seen it happen, when there is a mutual amicable sort of breakup. Sorry to say this, but you are just going to have to grit your teeth and work thru your natural grief at the end of a relationship. Maybe down the road a bit you will be friends, but hopefully you will have moved on and will have other priorities in your life.

 
Old 03-10-2007, 07:12 PM   #3
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Re: Why is it so hard to be Friends?

I am heartbroken to an extent, but I know it is best for us not to be together. Let me rephrase that-considering the circumstances of both of our lives, My brain tells me the right thing to do. But on the other hand, my heart is still hanging in there.

It's funny that you say the thing about settling for less, because I have bent some of my morals through the duration of this relationship with her. I have always been someone with rock solid morals, but for some reason I bent some of those this past time. I think the bottom line reason is because my heart got in the way, and we all know how love makes you do funny things, anything.

I do have a problem letting go. Matter of fact I get so caught up in trying to figure out how it is so easy for the other person to let go, that I can't concentrate on doing it myself, lol. I do have other priorities, mainly work, but It is still a very big problem. Does it make me stronger to be able to deal with the pain of a breakup and keep my head up and move on? In other words will others respect me more or view me as better if I do that, instead of dwelling?

 
Old 03-10-2007, 07:20 PM   #4
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Re: Why is it so hard to be Friends?

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Originally Posted by J S Machine View Post
I. Does it make me stronger to be able to deal with the pain of a breakup and keep my head up and move on? In other words will others respect me more or view me as better if I do that, instead of dwelling?

You may not see it now, but when this is all past you, your main memories are going to be of your own handling of the situation. Sounds like this has already started with your discomfort about lowering your moral standards. Think of how you will want to remember yourself ; pathetic, or dignified, psycho or gracious for just a few examples. Also any negative experience is in some ways a gift if it will teach us about ourselves. If everything is always smooth, we probably would never grow. Cheers, Sera

 
Old 03-10-2007, 07:22 PM   #5
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Re: Why is it so hard to be Friends?

I think right about now...honestly..pathetic. I am ashmed of it, but not afraid to admit it.

 
Old 03-10-2007, 07:29 PM   #6
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Re: Why is it so hard to be Friends?

Its not too late. Ask yourself what you REALLY want. Be brutally honest. If it is something you are not going to get, then accept it, grieve about it, bend a mate's ear about it, then see if you can't move forward. There isn't that much difference between a breakup and a bereavement in terms of emotions. Expect to feel bad, don't deny your feelings. Inevitably you will heal. Cheers, Sera

 
Old 03-11-2007, 05:48 PM   #7
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Re: Why is it so hard to be Friends?

I agree that I think you're kidding yourself a bit when you say you want to be friends. You don't want to be friends, you just don't want the relationship to end. When you have truly gotten to the point where you are over it all and can really be friends, you will know because you will feel nothing but friendship for her, you won't want to sleep with her anymore and won't want to try, you will be happy for her when you see her on the arm of another guy. You are not even close to being there now. And I think that's ok. You can't always end up friends, it's not something that you absolutely HAVE to do, in fact, sometimes it's not healthy to try to be "friends." In your case, I think you need to break off all contact with her for a while and heal and get over the relationship. And don't worry about what other people think. You're the only one who will have to live with what happened, no one else.

 
Old 03-11-2007, 06:23 PM   #8
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Re: Why is it so hard to be Friends?

You have to learn how to calm yourself down.

Think...before you say anything stupid.

Sometimes...at least for me. I can not stand someone that is joking too much. They have to know when to stop. It just drive me crazy.

okay...maybe this is a different subject...but, what I am trying to tell you is:
Sometimes, your words is what's so annoying all the time. Maybe that is the reason why she....seems so fed up with you.

How about.....Changing your act. Don't say those things anymore(babe,honey,sweetheart, and etc...).....for one thing, it's sometime is nice to hear...but too much of it, is also annoying.

Have you given her an apology? Most of time....this is how second chances are started.

 
Old 03-12-2007, 05:00 PM   #9
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Re: Why is it so hard to be Friends?

Well there was never really an appology needed. She moved off to college, and I am still where we were. I cannot go with her to college. I have a full time job. We both were very understanding, but yet still, can't leave each other alone. It's not always me that gives in, sometimes it is her too-just not in the past couple of weeks.

I'm sure you can see now why it would be best for us to both split up and move on. I do too. It's just that it is so hard to just be friends.

Whoever said that Maybe I don't realize that I really don't want to be friends is probably right. I know that it is best to just move on, but to me, there in lies the tragedy of most breakups. To break off all contact with that person just seems so bad to me. I have been there before with the first relationship I was in. I hated not being able to say anything in that matter.

As for the idea that I will relaize it when that time comes (to just be friends)-I don't know if I will ever get there. I can't ever see myself not being attracted to her, and can't ever see myself not loving her.

For the person that said she might be getting tired of hearing me call her sweet names, she loves that. She is definitly not tired of it. I think it's more of the idea that she is trying to distance herself from me and that's not helping, lol.

 
Old 03-12-2007, 05:04 PM   #10
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Re: Why is it so hard to be Friends?

So it seems quite clear to me that you are still crazy about her, and your posts make me feel sad.

WHY, are you not trying to make things work out as a couple?

You simply can't be friends if you still hold such strong feelings, it doesn't work like that - as you are finding out now.

 
Old 03-12-2007, 08:57 PM   #11
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Re: Why is it so hard to be Friends?

She is not willing to give it her all and make it work. She thinks "we don't work right now"...

I've tried, because I know I could deal with her crap. I guess thats the way you become when you really care about someone. I feel like no matter what, I could always be happy with her, but since she has been at college and exposed to other things, she doesn't feel that way. When I say exposed to other things, I don't neccessarily mean guys. She is so stressed right now trying to work, get good grades, and find time for herself, that I have become lesser of a priority.

She is very wishy washy and isn't sure what she wants most of the time, lol. But that is the beauty in her. She's not perfect, and not the best person someone could ask for, but I'm crazy about her. I feel like we will always be close, whether intimate or not, but I just don't know where it comes out. I guess only time can tell us that.

 
Old 03-13-2007, 05:59 AM   #12
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Re: Why is it so hard to be Friends?

Your post comes across as your a thoughtful intelligent young man, and you seem perhaps older in maturity than perhaps she is just yet!

You say that you basically can't imagine her not being in your life, you seem to hold a special bond, not the typical relationship at your age, when you can just move on and say your goodbyes.

I understood your point about college exposing her to new things, such as new friends, lifestyle etc etc I guess this is when things started to change for you guys, but it can change back.

Give it a bit of time and patience, she is still young, wishey washey because at this age it is difficult to know where you want life to take you, she has been exposed to a new life with college and maybe this has left her a bit confused about life as it was.

To stay friends with an ex partner, only works if there are no emotional feelings left from BOTH sides, and I would perhaps suggest a time period of no contact from both sides to see how she feels with you not around.

I do understand how you feel, and it is not easy.

Good luck

 
Old 03-13-2007, 02:13 PM   #13
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Re: Why is it so hard to be Friends?

Yes, I think I am the only one of my age group of friends who simply wants to get married one day, have kids, and just enjoy life. I am not the kind of guy who runs around chasing girls and "putting notches on my bed post." As for the maturity thing, people are always telling me I am more mature than most my age. I guess I have to be. My father passed when I was 18, and My mother is a drug abuser.

I am more of the type of person, or guy, that can accept someone for who they are on the inside, and the way they interact with me.

I wish there were more girls out there my age that appreciated this kind of thing. Sometimes I wish I had been the guy that messed up and accidentally got a girl pregnant and now has a wonderful family. Even though these situations sometimes end prematuraly, and do not work out for the best, I sometimes wish I had made that mistake. But then again, I'm glad I didn't, lol...

Last edited by J S Machine; 03-13-2007 at 02:22 PM.

 
Old 03-14-2007, 09:56 AM   #14
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Re: Why is it so hard to be Friends?

JS - that explains your obvious maturity, you have had to grow up fast, and have dealt with some tough things in your life at such a young age.

So to me it seems that your maturity and sensitivity does not match your girlfriends, simply because although the same age, you are both on a different page. You have obviously expereinced things that she can't relate to.

This is why your not the typical young lad who wants to sleep about, and be single, carefree etc cause your wiser due to what you have been through.

So if you weren't to get back together again at some point in the future, maybe an older female would suit you better.

Oh by the way, don't ever wish you had done the silly thing of getting someone pregnant whilst you were young, that would of complicated your life a hell of a lot more, and believe me you probably wouldn't be happy right now. I bet there are dozens of teenage lads out there who did just that, and regret it big time!

It is lovely to hear that you want to get married and have a family, I am sure that when the times right it will happen.

Best of luck

 
Old 03-21-2007, 06:48 PM   #15
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Re: Why is it so hard to be Friends?

I need some advice. Iím 20 years old. My ex-boyfriend is 25.

Weíve known each other for a little over a year and dated for 7 months. He broke up with me in the beginning of February. His reason was that ďwe fight too much.Ē When we were together we argued a lot about stupid little things. I donít think I can remember one argument worth having.

Since the break up, I donít think much has changed. He says he wants to be friends. He wants to still hang out, call me, and see me and everything that goes with a relationship. We still go out to dinner and parties once in a while together. He invites me over to hang out. We talk on the phone everyday. The only thing difference is the title of boyfriend/girlfriend. Things have slipped. We still sleep together. Sometimes when we are apart, heíll call and tell me that he loves me and misses me. He calls me ďbabyĒ and whatnot. It feels like we are back together again. So when we finally see each other I just expect things to go back to how theyíve always been, but they donít. A lot of the times he says one thing and does another and itís just so confusing. Heís always telling me that he loves me and cares about me and still wants me in his life. Heís constantly reassuring me that Iím not going to lose him. He says that I just need to give everything time and that ďI donít know whatís going to happen in the future.Ē So now, as ďfriendsĒ we still argue. Mainly because I donít see why we canít just get back together and thatís not what he wants right now. He uses the excuse that we still fight, when I ask ďwhy donít we just get back together?Ē

He knows that I love him. Iím 20 years old and Iíve never felt like this about anyone. Ever! It frustrates me that Iím so emotional with him. Iím constantly thinking about everything and most of the time probably over analyzing things. Sometimes it just hurts to be around him, I just get so overwhelmed with sadness and anger and frustration and the tears come pouring out. Sometimes I feel like he just doesnít get it. He doesnít understand how I feel. I know that he cares about me and he loves me, but he isnít IN love with me. He says ďhow could I be with all the fighting?Ē That hurts every time I hear it. So why am I still around? Why is it so hard to just move on?

Being friends with him isnít something that I can do right now, but I donít want to lose him. Itís so hard to go from seeing someone and talking to them everyday to just cutting them off, but in back of my head I know thatís what I need to do. Iíve contemplated just packing up and moving, just to get away. I live in a small college town and seeing him around is very common. I just feel like I canít lose him. He was my best friend. And Iíve seemed to alienate myself from all my other friends while we were dating.

And then when I think that Iíll be able to do it, I see the friendships he has with other people and I know that we will never have that because of the feelings we have for each other. We have a relationship, not a friendship.

I know what weíre doing isnít healthy. All I do is cry and Iím tired of it. My heart is completely broken.

I feel so miserable here. I go to school and come home to my apartment and do nothing but think and feel sorry for myself. I feel like I have no one to talk to about this BUT him, or my close friends who are about an hour drive away. I hate being alone. For him itís so different. He has all his family and friends here. He has school, a job, and he coaches for a local pee wee football team. Most of the time he doesnít have time to think. Iíve talked to him about this and Iíve tried to explain how hard it is for me to JUST be friends and all he tells me is ďjust give it a try, you donít know what can happen.Ē

He contradicts himself all the time. He says he wants to be friends but yet when we are together, there are times when we end up flirting and playing around and one thing leads to another. Then there are times when we hang out and we donít do anything. He wonít even talk to me that much and when he does, itís like he doesnít want me around. He reassures me that that's not it but itís just so confusing. There are so many different ďmoodsĒ that I have dealt with and I donít know what to do anymore. I love him and I want to be with him. So what now? What next?

 
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