It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

love my husband, BUT feel I' NOT in love


Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 03-11-2007, 11:30 PM   #1
Ava_31
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: NV
Posts: 139
Ava_31 HB User
love my husband, BUT feel I' NOT in love

My husband and I had a long 3 hour talk on the phone about how I've been feeling about our marriage and have been having thoughts of not wanting to be married because of issues that we've had in the past. Well in conversation he said how much he loved me and is willing to do anything to help save our marriage and he said he is so in love with me, and asked me if I was "in" love with him. I almost choked on my words. I feel I am but then I also feel I am not. I know I could make it on my own. I know it would be really hard because we have been together for 13 years and married for almost 9. So, I am finding it hard. But we are in different states right now. We are both willing to work on making it work, but I almost feel like maybe I don't want to be married but I do. How do you figure things out?? I am torn! Right now, I know I am not ready to have kids. But I am just so confused!

Last edited by Ava_31; 03-11-2007 at 11:31 PM.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 03-12-2007, 12:13 AM   #2
Seraph
Facilitator
(female)
 
Seraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,422
Seraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB User
Re: love my husband, BUT feel I' NOT in love

Keep talking! Marriage counselling is a good option, even if it turns out that you do not make it as a couple. As long as there is honesty and openness on both sides, the outcome will be better. Don't close any doors yet.

 
Old 03-12-2007, 09:47 AM   #3
bulletproof
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: SF
Posts: 540
bulletproof HB User
Re: love my husband, BUT feel I' NOT in love

What strikes me about your post is that you mention your surety that you could make it on your own. Maybe so, but do you want to? I think a lot of times people think that just because they wouldn't die without the other person, that means they're not in love. You've been together for a long time. It's obviously not going to be like it was when you met. Were you in love then? Do you remember what those feelings were like? What were the issues in the past that you referenced?

I hope that you can sort it out. I hope that you accept his offer of doing anything to save the marriage.

 
Old 03-12-2007, 05:28 PM   #4
Ava_31
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: NV
Posts: 139
Ava_31 HB User
Re: love my husband, BUT feel I' NOT in love

Thanks for the replies. Sorry this is really long! Basically, the issues I felt were unresolved were situations where he was accused of messing around with other women. There were 3 incidents. One was early in our marriage where there was another co-worker that set things off and started saying things about my husband bothering her, my husband said that this woman was "crazy" and nothing happened. Well, he never tells me what is happening until it is out of control. Where her husband started to harass my husband and threaten him. So, he had to tell me. Then, there was another incident, practically the same thing happened when we moved out of state and he transferred to another store. Same thing happened, except for the harassing. At the time he told me something was going on at work and that he could not tell me because he wanted to make sure things were okay at work. I guess this girl was "crazy" too. So, he said. Then this last incident happened about a year before this last one I mentioned. My husband was back home visiting friends and family. I was unable to go because of work. Well, he had some of our friends over at his uncle's house and invited our two good friends (married couple). Well, my best friend at the time, was flirting with my husband, everyone was drinking. My husband was drinking as well and later on my friend was upstairs with him in one of the rooms and confessed her feelings for him and that she was attracted to him. Apparantly he had his hands on her butt, and asked to see her belly button ring and tried to lift her shirt, and nothing happened as far as I was told. I even talked to him that night and he admitted that he was too drunk to talk and didn't remember much of that night. So, I was thinking oh! that's great! So about 2 months go by and I get this letter in the mail from my friend saying that "He hit on her and said they should be together etc." She wrote all the details down that happened. And I believed her. I confronted my husband and he explained everything to me. I even had called her and she said if I needed anything to call her. I broke down on my husband and I demanded an explanantion. He told me nothing happened between them and told me everything. Even some of the things she mentioned in the letter. So, now this summer will mark 3 years and I have not heard from her. It is apparent that she was the one who lied. If she was telling the truth she would have pressed the fact that my husband did those things. But, now I am just thinking my husband is back there and I'm not there yet. We've been apart for awhile just so I could finish school and get back there, but it has taken longer than expected and I have just been doing a lot of thinking. Now he knows he has to be upfront with me and he said he will tell me everything that happens if he thinks that it will hurt our marriage let alone MY feelings. But I don't want him to get ridiculous now and go over board and I can feel that he is. He is sooo terrified that I am going to leave him. It hurts me that I've had to deal with this and I never questioned those things in the past and I had told him back then to tell me things and why he never told me some of the things was because his friends didn't think it was necessary and that got him where he is now. And this is why I feel I don't want to be married anymore. I believe he has never cheated on me, but If I ever had to deal with it again, I would seriously leave him. But like I said, he is willing to do what it takes, I am too, BUT I just feel like I love him and that is it. It took me a long time to really love being with him when we first dated and all those other things, I married him because I loved him, and I still do. But I don't know if I am in love with him anymore, and he knows that. I know it hurts him but I don't want to lie. I am seriously confused right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to make sure I am with the person I am meant to be with. If something were to happen a year or two from now, and we got divorced, it would have been such a waste! I do not know what to do!!! I just want to be sure that I am going to be happy in this marriage because if I am not, why should we stay together?

Last edited by Ava_31; 03-12-2007 at 05:38 PM.

 
Old 03-12-2007, 05:48 PM   #5
Laylah
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,637
Laylah HB User
Re: love my husband, BUT feel I' NOT in love

I'm sorry Ava, but I've got a bad feeling about this. Believe me, I know all about women developing crushes on men who are taken!, but how likely is it that a woman would go to the extremes of telling her husband that she was being harassed, and then for practically the same thing to happen all over again with another "crazy" woman in a new town and then, to top it all, for your best friend to tell you of his advances also? I mean, how unlucky can one guy be??

I may be wrong, but I'd put money on it that I'm not. I'm getting the impression here that deep down you know you were lied to and that is what's causing the emotional distance between yourself and your husband. I know that's not what you want to hear and I'm sorry to have to point it out to you, but I think you need to really ask yourself; how likely is it that he was targeted by two crazy women and then a best friend who was happy to throw your friendship away just in order to cause trouble between you and your husband? I mean really, how likely is that??

It seems to me that for you, on the surface at least, your husband has come out of all this smelling of roses - but that's not what I'm smelling Ava. I'm sorry.

 
Old 03-12-2007, 06:14 PM   #6
Ava_31
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: NV
Posts: 139
Ava_31 HB User
Re: love my husband, BUT feel I' NOT in love

Thank you for reading such a long post! I am grateful for the replies whether or not they are positive or negative. It is helping me a great deal!!! I honestly feel that my husband and I should seperate for awhile and go on our own for awhile, but at the same time I feel guilty, but then I don't. Some people will make me feel I am the bad guy for not trying to make it work, but at the same time, I would love to but I also am not so sure that I do want it to work. And even if it did, I may not even be happy. The thing is he is coming out to see me in April. I have to have surgery (D&C) w/ a scope (for endo). He said he will come out and take me and be there for me. I almost don't even want him to come out here. He already has his plane ticket. But I guess this would be a good time to talk things over and be straight. Any advice on that?

Last edited by Ava_31; 03-12-2007 at 06:15 PM.

 
Old 03-12-2007, 06:14 PM   #7
try-ink
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: California
Posts: 443
try-ink HB User
Re: love my husband, BUT feel I' NOT in love

I don't blame you.........

For not being in love with him. It seems that everything that have happen...always involved him and a girl.

You deserve so much more Ava. Your husband is have too many incidents. if I were in your shoe.

I will leave. I would rather be alone then to be hurt. You said you can make in on your own. That is perfect! Please move forward...Just because he says he love you.......Do you actually think he means it? His words don't mean anything....and even if he did show his love towards you......why in the world did he even touch some girls a$$.--? again too many incidents.

 
Old 03-12-2007, 06:21 PM   #8
Ava_31
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: NV
Posts: 139
Ava_31 HB User
Re: love my husband, BUT feel I' NOT in love

Does anyone think it would be a bad idea for him to come out and take me for surgery????????? Like I said, I almost feel it would be too emotional. But then we would be able to talk face to face and get a plan going. There is no way I will allow him to convince me to stay with him....but other words of advice? I will be strong and assertive with him. Should I have him cancel his flight?????????????????

Last edited by Ava_31; 03-12-2007 at 06:22 PM.

 
Old 03-12-2007, 06:26 PM   #9
Seraph
Facilitator
(female)
 
Seraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,422
Seraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB User
Re: love my husband, BUT feel I' NOT in love

The full story puts a different light on things altogether. One incident, yes, benefit of the doubt, 2, deep suspicion...3, ALARM BELLS! I would not interpret the friend's lack of "pressing the issue" as any sort of proof that she is lying. She clearly wants no part of the whole situation. There will likely be more people like this in your future. It all depends on what you can live with. He needs to live with the consequences of his actions. If you want to give him one more chance, then lay down your conditions, and what you will do if they are not met. THEN DO IT!

 
Old 03-12-2007, 06:56 PM   #10
try-ink
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: California
Posts: 443
try-ink HB User
Re: love my husband, BUT feel I' NOT in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ava_31 View Post
Does anyone think it would be a bad idea for him to come out and take me for surgery????????? Like I said, I almost feel it would be too emotional. But then we would be able to talk face to face and get a plan going. There is no way I will allow him to convince me to stay with him....but other words of advice? I will be strong and assertive with him. Should I have him cancel his flight?????????????????
Okay......I will tell him to cancel his flight. If he ask:

There's your chance. "I am not happy, being with you"--is the first sentence you should say to him.

 
Old 03-12-2007, 08:58 PM   #11
prairie_dawn
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: usa
Posts: 545
prairie_dawn HB User
Re: love my husband, BUT feel I' NOT in love

I agree with try innk about telling him to cancel the flight and as to why BUT also because you dont want this surgery to be an emotional thing for both of you and you get suckered into taking him back over having surgery. If you get what i mean. I dont know what you're going for and if you mentioned it sorry i missed it, But i very sick and so are kids. LOL

If you want to try then tell him what the plan is but 3 times the charm and well it is what it is. I commend you for not wanting to bring in kids at this point. Good woman you are! Work tihs out and then have them or dont work it find someeone else then have em or dont have any what ever you want but make sure it's what you want. good luck.

O hey i read the other thread. I wouldnt worry about friend not wanting you to divorce. Freinds just do that it's ok.

 
Old 03-12-2007, 11:55 PM   #12
Ava_31
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: NV
Posts: 139
Ava_31 HB User
Re: love my husband, BUT feel I' NOT in love

I spoke with my husband again tonight and explained that I wasn't sure if he should come out for my surgery, and he makes me feel like the bad guy and now I feel so guilty that I feel this way. I really need to talk to my mom! GOSH this is soooo hard! HE broke down again on the phone and was saying how much he loved me and why now 3 years later (after the latest incident) am I doing this??? I even talked about going to see a marriage counselor and he said he knows what they're going to say, "if you're unhappy in your marriage or not in love, then you shouldn't be together. And he knows how I feel, so he just sounds so devastated and I feel horrible about it and I don't. Like I said, I think my mom should come out here, but I'll have to wait and see. Basically, I know what I need to do, but it is so hard to do!! I don't know why it's this hard! He's just begging and pleading with me. I didn't give in either. I just explained how I've been feeling lately and I really should have done something sooner. I don't know. I can't look at it that way. I'm the one who gets screwed over and I feel guilty for wanting to be apart and possibly a divorce.

 
Old 03-13-2007, 12:20 AM   #13
desertdweller
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 1,041
desertdweller HB User
Re: love my husband, BUT feel I' NOT in love

I have to agree with the others in saying that there are way too many coincidences with the other women. He's been lying to you, plain and simple. There is no statute of limitations on your hurting. Just because it's been three years, doesn't mean all should be forgiven, after all, he's never came clean with his behavior to begin with. Sure, he's panicking now, he's realizing the full impact of his behavior. He's losing you, and he doesn't want to. You've put up with a lot, and always given him the benefit of doubt. Now is your turn to be selfish and do what is best for you. If you need space, then you need your space.
Can he change with counseling? Maybe for awhile, but from my experiences with the chronic flirter, once things are comfortable again they go back to their old ways.
I hope everything goes well with your surgery

Last edited by desertdweller; 03-13-2007 at 12:21 AM.

 
Old 03-13-2007, 08:12 AM   #14
Ava_31
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: NV
Posts: 139
Ava_31 HB User
Re: love my husband, BUT feel I' NOT in love

thank you everyone!!!!! this has helped me a great deal!!! I'll keep you updated on how things go.

 
Old 03-13-2007, 09:00 AM   #15
Laylah
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,637
Laylah HB User
Re: love my husband, BUT feel I' NOT in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ava_31 View Post
I'll keep you updated on how things go.
Please do.

I dont think it's a good idea he bring you for your operation. You dont need to be around this man while you're in a position of vulnerabillity. You can make choices while in a condition like that which you wouldnt otherwise make and would be much more open to manipulation.

On a different subject, I'll give you a few lines here about a situation I was in with my partner that might be of some benefit to you:

We're together nearly 4 & 1/2 years and about two years into the relationship I found out that some cheating had gone on in the first 6/12 months. Of course I was devestated. I was not ready to forgive, let go or move on because I had a very deep suspicion (but no evidence) that there was more to the story and that he was holding back on telling me something.

Of course he continued to deny there was anything more, but I stuck to my guns and refused his calls and ignored his texts for weeks and weeks. Eventually he turned up ready to confess all. The thing to remember here is that I had nothing to go on, other than my intuition, but I wasnt prepared to move on because, as I told him, I didnt know what I was moving on from, because he wouldnt tell me. So he confessed all and it turned out there were three women, not one, as he'd previously claimed.

I ignored him for another couple of weeks while I got my head around that and decided if I wanted to continue with the relationship or not. I did in the end, because he'd been faithful of his own accord for about eighteen months and had decided for himself to put that behind him. Of course trust takes time and I know there was damage done that still manifests itself in our relationship. If he has women coming onto him now I'm the last person he'll tell because he knows I'll go crazy off-the-head.

The point I'm trying to make here is that you need to put your foot down and get the truth out of him so that you're in a positon to make an informed choice. Nothing will get better while he's still lying to you about what he got up to in the past. He's not going to volunteer that information, you're going to have to insist on it and I'd strongly urge you to do so. Also, remember (and remind him) that you have a lot more than intuition to go on here.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
In love with 2 men! I am messed up n the head! Please dont judge eyesonly Relationship Health 52 08-11-2009 06:02 AM
Love question!!!!!????? wndrwmn Relationship Health 30 05-29-2009 08:30 PM
Confuse: How dya know if you still love your husband? luvuforever Relationship Health 19 12-20-2006 08:09 AM
I'm married, but I'm "in love" with someone else nluv Relationship Health 25 10-14-2005 06:04 PM
Don't love my husband anymore Rita05 Relationship Health 18 09-25-2005 09:56 PM
just married but not "in" love? shorty1 Relationship Health 66 06-26-2005 05:06 AM
Married but falling in love with somebody else rich200 Relationship Health 42 03-14-2005 11:19 AM
I dont love you anymore hpygrl Relationship Health 89 01-04-2005 07:01 AM
Married but in love with ex HELP! Relationship Health 56 04-06-2004 05:47 PM




Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:28 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2017 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!