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Venting - 6 yrs down the drain


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Old 03-13-2007, 10:02 AM   #1
Wyle
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Venting - 6 yrs down the drain

hey everyone. I just thought I would give out my personal story. Just to vent and get some comments or opinions.

Some background - Myself and my newly ex girlfriend have been together for six years. Families became close friends and she was in love with me. (im 25yrs old shes 24yrs old). I would see her typically 3 times a week or more. Recently our schedules started to become more hectic.

I am currently in Law enforcement and she is in nursing school. Ever sine she start school she started to get more stressed as can be expected. She started demanding more time and attention and would freak out when I could not see her do to my work and schedule. I am not going to say I am an angel. I have been going through some things the last few months and I know I can sometime have a negative out look and be insenitive.

We had come close to breaking up about 3 x's... mainly her wanting to break up with me because I would not see her for 3+ days a week on some weeks and maybe I should have called more. I agree I should have called more and been there more but I dont know what was going on with me.

well she finally had enough and just broke up with me. She stated she does not want to "quit me cold turkey" she wants to be friends and wants me in her life. I told her that I can't see her If I am to get over her. We started talking again because I needed more closure. I told her I loved her and she stated that she loved me but she did not believe I loved her enough as in her being my true love.

I basically cracked after hearing that. I told her to call me back. I thought about it and realized that ya ... I should have been there more the last few months and that I should have called her everyday. I realized that I was insenitive at times but most of all I realized that She was my true love and I would do anything for her.

I went out... Bought her roses... went to her house and called her. She came out got in the car. I told her I love her, I said that she was right... she's not the love of my life..... she is my life.... i told her I was truly sorry for not being there more and that I would do anything to make it work. I knew she had been wanting to move in with me prior but I was holding off due to her being in school and I wanted her to finish first,... i told her I would move in and pay for everything while she was in school just so we could see eachother more. I apologized from the heart.

well you can guess what happend... She stated that she loved me but she was emotionally drained. She could not take it anymore. I told her I need closure. I need to know if we have a chance after 6 years or if I should move on. She said that I should try to move on. and that was that.

I want your guys opinions on this one. I know I was not giving her all the attention that she needed but I was there for her. My apology was sincere and from the heart and I would do anythign for her. I just cant see how she can truly love me and not take me back. I understand not taking me back right away if she was really hurt. I can understand taking some time to relax and regroup... but to tell someone its over? somethings up.. I figure there is another guy. Because I know that even if she would have cheated on me... and came forward with it and apologized truly and from the heart I would want to work on it with her. I dont know. I am just stressed out and confused. I feel like she was trying to keep me as a friend so that if things did not work out I could be a back up plan.

last week when we first got in our break up mode she told me that she wanted to go to texas for a vacation in april (spring break) with her female cousin. And that she wanted to be with me and did not want to break up. But that she wanted to be on a break form our relationship in april. Basically making it sound like hey... i want to go to texas and see other people but have you around till then. Sorry all this is jumbled im just very irritated and Need someone else point of view. Life sucks!

o

Last edited by Wyle; 03-13-2007 at 10:06 AM.

 
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Old 03-13-2007, 10:58 AM   #2
mannie8
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Re: Venting - 6 yrs down the drain

Wow...your situation sounds a lot like mine last year. I'll tell you what I was feeling and it's probably what your Ex is feeling since our situations were similar.
I was with my fiance for 9 years and we lived together for 3. The last 2 years of our relationship I felt really neglected...he would never call me and anytime I called him he made it sound like I was bothering him, he never took me out except to maybe dinner then straight home, we never hung out with any friends, he ignored me at home and paid more attention to his computer, etc. He basically took me for granted. Anyway I broke up with him because I realized I wanted closeness and a best friend out of my partner and he was not providing that for me, plus much more. I just fell out of love overtime. I wanted to be number 1 in his life and I always felt second to his friends, his job, etc. (it's probably the same way your Ex was feeling). Then my Ex said all the same stuff you said after I broke up with him...he realized he wasn't giving me enough attention, gave a heart felt apology, wanted to give us a second try, etc. but for me it was too late. My heart just wasn't in it anymore.

So in my opinion she is done and ready to move on. You've already told her how you truly feel through your actions whether you meant to or not. Actions speak louder than words. Spending time with the woman you love should come naturally, not forced.
I bet she feels awful for being the one to break it off, like I did, and is only leaving the door open to let you down easy and to give you hope. She doesn't want to be the bad person for breaking your heart, which is why she said she doesn't want to quit you cold turkey, but honestly she is ready to move on and wants to find someone who will make her feel number 1 in their life. She just said that to try and spare your feelings.

Look you're a guy and you don't realize what a girl wants. We want attention and someone to make us feel important, wanted , needed and you're not going to get that message across to us by not calling or making an attempt to see each other more often.

Also, she wants to go on this trip to have fun and be single. She's young, has been in a committed relationship for 6 years in which she felt neglected and unappreciated and now she wants to be free and have a taste of the single life. That's the way I felt too. I doubt she cheated on you. My Ex thought that too when I broke up with him, but I did not cheat... I was very tempted because guys were giving me the attention that I craved from him, but I never did. I think she would have told you about it if she did cheat.
And yes you are the backup plan. I said the same thing to my Ex...that we could possibly get back together, maybe I just needed time alone. Now that I look back, I kind of meant it, but I think I was mostly afraid I would regret having broke up with him after all was said and done and found out he moved on and it'd be too late. I feared being alone and never finding someone else as good. I feel bad about that now because it's 6 months later and I have no desire to get back together with him.

So it's a tough pill to swallow. 6 years is a long time. But what's done is done. Even if you get back together and you pay all sorts of attention to her, etc. she's going to think it's fake and you're only doing it because she broke up with you over it. My advice is to not beat yourself up over it, try to move on and let her go, but take it as a good lesson learned about what a woman needs in a relationship....Love, affection and attention! This is a bit corny, but you know Billy Joel's song "Tell her about it" ? It's so true!!

 
Old 03-13-2007, 12:21 PM   #3
Wyle
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Re: Venting - 6 yrs down the drain

I appreciate your honesty. Only thing that gets me is the other 5 1/2 years were good. Hard to believe 4 months gets you hosed. It would be nice if communication is better on both ends. Well atleast I have my career.

Last edited by Wyle; 03-13-2007 at 12:22 PM.

 
Old 03-13-2007, 02:36 PM   #4
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Re: Venting - 6 yrs down the drain

Ok first you need to know this is coming from a military spouse..to clarify when marrying a guy/girl enlisted you are marrying the military as well. You know going in that their job comes first even dating you know the job comes first and foremost. That is the way it works no ifs ands or buts about it.
Now the reason I stated the above is you being in Law enforncement that is another job that comes first. That is what a lot of people fail to see is that work comes first and with high stress jobs,military,law enforcement,doctors,etc they are hard to leave at the doorstep. So people that are with people in those type of career fields need to be a bit mroe understanding when it comes to who/what comes first. Not saying it is always like that. There are times that yes the gf/spouse can come first but it is a matter of making the time for those times. So she should have been a bit mroe understanding about not always being first.
Now you should have called her more though that is a two way street and she could have called you as well. But calling doesnt always make things better either. Take me for example. I havent heard from my DH since Friday afternoon. He is in Korea for a year. It is driving me a bit nuts but I know that between work,time difference, and costs of phones our times to talk are going to interesting. Am I worried over that,no. I know it is beyond our control and I just have to sit back and wait.
All you can do is sit back and wait to see what happens. You told her how you felt. She is at a stressful time right now with school and the break up. Dont assume there is another guy just because she didnt take you back.
I do have a question for you. Did she tell you any of this before or try to tell you that you needed to work on things? The reason I ask is she may have tried to get you to see how bad things were to her and you ignored it. If that happened then I can see why she is willing to throw away 6 years. We can funny that way...we will only beat our heads against a brick wall so many times before we give up.
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Old 03-13-2007, 02:59 PM   #5
Wyle
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Re: Venting - 6 yrs down the drain

Thanks for the reply. She did say the last few months that we werent seeing enough of eachother and that we should move in with eachother so we can see enough. I pretty much said that I was not ready to move in, not because not wanting to be with her but because of the bills. I live in Bay area which is a very pricey place to live. I have some left over bills I need to pay off.. Pluss she does not have a job at this time to help. I would have moved in with her if she was done with schooling and had a job. The place where I work is currently very understaffed and we have to put in alot of overtime (mandatory). I've been having alot of stress bottled up inside. It just seemed like since she started school we would fight over stupid things wheen we were together and I started to not look forward to hanging out with her due to the fighting. I was stressed out she was stressed out but my way was bad because it made me grow distant over the few months. I honestly believe that If we would of moved in together we would still be together. Her main gripe was not seeing me enough... that would of been solved my main gripe was that the time I did spend going over her house after work and on my days off were not enough for her and she would use the time that we were together to start a fight about me not seeing enough of her. Why would I like forward to going on a date that I know will implode. If i could have seen her 5 days a week everything would be fine still but it seems like the 3 days I had off were not enough not to mention if had overtime or she had to study for a test that could be limited to 2 days in a week which sucks I know. God I have a throbbing headache and I'm messed up and affected at work and had to tell my Lt. whats up with me.

but hey... maybe this was for the best... but sucks cause I know that if we would have lived together alot of these problems would have been gone... only question is what new problems would have been created ? who knows...

 
Old 03-13-2007, 04:07 PM   #6
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Re: Venting - 6 yrs down the drain

Living together may not have solved it....now you are thinking in what ifs.
When Dh and I were dating I was in college and he was about a 30 minute drive away on base. He worked swing shift so slept during the day. We only go to see each other on weekends and that was if I could find a ride down to the base and ride back up to campus. I didnt have my own car then. He could come up to see me but couldnt stay over night since I lived in the dorms. Not an ideal dating situation but we made it work. I could sit here all day and talk about what ifs that could have made things better for DH and I but it doesnt help at all. You need to stop focusing on the what ifs. I know easy to say but onc eyou do stop you will be able to move on and figure things out.
Right now your best bet is to throw yourself into your work and focus on yourself.
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Old 03-13-2007, 04:23 PM   #7
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Re: Venting - 6 yrs down the drain

I can see both sides.....All couples--married or unmarried--are going to encounter times where they have less time for each other due to work, kids, school, illness...the couples that stay together try not to take each other for granted during these times and ride it out.

However, I've also had boyfriends who were very neglectful. After 4 yrs. with each one, I couldn't take it anymore and broke up with them. It wasn't easy to do and I really didn't want to...but I didn't want to see my life dragging on like that with no positive change. I wasted a good part of my 20's on these guys. She was with you for 6 years, and if she's only 24, then she was 18 when you started dating. That's really young.

Even though the majority of the complaining came from her in the last year, chances are she was annoyed before then, but too confused to let it go just yet. These things all happen for a reason....don't beat yourself up. You offered to make the changes, but if her mind is made up, there's not much you can do but move on. Who knows...she may find that the grass is really no greener and be back within a matter of months.

Last edited by vintagegirl; 03-13-2007 at 04:25 PM.

 
Old 03-14-2007, 01:12 PM   #8
Wyle
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Re: Venting - 6 yrs down the drain

ya im trying to move on best I can... its very hard. She may come back or she may not... thing is we broke up before early on in the relationship. She dumped me because she said I was to needy ... that was back then... now she dumps me because she says im not needy enough... Seems like both times she has had someone in the background... gets burned... and then comes back. I dont know what to do if she did come back.. I love her but I dont want to be a tool. After the way i apologized the other night and she still said to get lost, I dont know. She prob thinks she has me wrapped on her fingers after me trying to make up. I just dont want to be a fall back guy because she wants to go screw around. Oh well... I need to go the gym... sucks running on a treadmill for 45 min trying to burn calories and all you can think of is this crap.... I've been getting consistant tension headaches the last two days and its non stop throbbing. blah

 
Old 03-14-2007, 01:38 PM   #9
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Re: Venting - 6 yrs down the drain

Wyle, first of all, I'm sorry you're hurting. This has got to suck and, yeah, it is all you think about.

Secondly, I want to say in a completely non-snarky way (and I sincerely mean that): the two of you need to grow up. Literally. You are very young, you have been in this relationship for most of your dating life, and you have no way of knowing that relationships can be different that the ONE you have experienced with ex-girlfriend.

She is stressed with school, needy, and unclear on what she wants. Moving in together? Uh, no. That would be like trying to fix a marriage by getting pregnant. Wrong! One thing really isn't related to the other.

Make this a clean break even when she calls you again to say she needs to see/talk to you. She will do that, you know. She is comfortable with you and knows she can come back. The question is: what will be any different? You are going though some emotional times (if I read your first post correctly). You need your own time to devote to job, family, friends. A good relationship is one where you do not count the number of times you see one another as an indication of how much one cares.

Good luck with this, sweetie. You are mature and sensitive. There is the perfect woman for you. I'm just not sure ex-GF is the one.

 
Old 03-14-2007, 02:39 PM   #10
Wyle
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Re: Venting - 6 yrs down the drain

Thanks for the comment. Its nice to hear some encouraging words once in a while. I never thought I could be this emotionall unstable lol. I go from being serverly depressed... to fine and dandy then when I was just at the gym I had massive amount of anger/rage... I'm sure it gets better with time but man this sucks.

I really needed to hear this:

A good relationship is one where you do not count the number of times you see one another as an indication of how much one cares.

cause I always felt that was true. Even at times when I did not see her I still loved her, I just needed some ME time. I think my major issue was that she was so needy that I felt I never had 1 whole day to myself. I mean yes i have 3 days off but never had one day just to myself. even when I get off work and don't see her cause she was busy.... that still was not "me" time because my job is stressful as hell and it take the rest of my day just to vent sometimes. If i tried to have a day to myself I would get in trouble. Thats why th first two - three days of the break up were great... I had time to myself... I got to do what I wanted to do... I was happy to have that time, but I dont want it every day.

What can i say... im a sucker and i miss my angel

 
Old 03-15-2007, 11:49 AM   #11
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Re: Venting - 6 yrs down the drain

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OMG. Lol how things have changed so quickly... This is just and update on events I have found out. I AM SO PIST...


I found out that 2 days after we broke up my x went to the bar where I always hang out. its was a busy night and alot of people were there. All my friends told me that she made out with some random guy at the bar. Am i carzy or is that massive disrespect?

The final straw was last night!

Luckily I was not home at the time... but she comes over to my house last night... at 10:30 pm... Some random guy drives her to my house as well. she rings the doorbell and gets my parents to open the door. She smells like booze and she was there to get her stuff. I had already packed her stuff in her bag for her and left it for her.... but she goes to the kitchen.. takes a plastic bag... goes in my room and start rummaging through my things. In front of my mother she take all my condoms and even lubrication and then leaves in the car that brought her dirty *** to my house.


am I crazy or is she really disrespecting me and my family... I am so pist off right now... kinda glad this happend it helped me to quickly get over her... ahhhhhh THE DISREPECT.

please let me know your opinions


 
Old 03-18-2007, 12:23 AM   #12
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Re: Venting - 6 yrs down the drain

Yeah I think it's a fairly clear sign... it's very disrespectful and rude, and I think it's time for you to move onto someone more mature.

Look, I do know what it's like to feel neglected. I've been with my fiance for almost 9 years and there is plenty of times that I've felt this way. But it's all about compromise and understanding, and what one is willing to accept or not. It's also about being secure enough to know just cause your partner is not stuck at your side 24/7, he/she still loves you and you are the most important person to them. It's hard to do sometimes....

Now she's single for the first time in years, and yes, she is going to do some really stupid things. She is experimenting, pushing the boundaries, enjoying her freedom. So it's not disrespectful for her to get with some random guy. She has broken up with you, so really there is nothing stopping her. What IS disrespectful, is going to your house, going through your things and taking personal items from your room. Not sure what that's all about??? Does she want them cause she bought them/wants to use them... or because she doesn't want YOU to use them (with someone else)? And in front of your mother, nah that's just wrong. Being drunk is no excuse, it's a dumb a$$ thing to do and you have more than every right to be very upset with her for that.

So she's being childish.... let her go. She's only making a fool of herself. You don't want to be a part of that.

And when she comes back shamefully to face you... well maybe it's your turn to send her packing.

Think of it this way... it hasn't been 6 years down the drain. I'm sure it's been a big learning experience in relationships, and was also filled with lots of good times and fun memories for that period of your life. She says she wants you to move on, so do it. If having too much contact with her prevents you doing that, then tell her. Take what you've learnt and start the next chapter in your life. It may feel like an ending, and I know it hurts, but time is a wonderful healer... and you may even find that it's really just a new exciting beginning of soemthing new for you.

Best of luck, whatever happens.
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