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When is it time to stop giving?


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Old 03-14-2007, 03:42 AM   #1
lola11
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When is it time to stop giving?

Hi, I have been with my partner for the best part of 5 years. During that time we moved into together and had lived together up until 6 months ago when i had to move away for work. However, i still travel the 3 hours every weekend to go home and see him. I have now handed in my resignation and am giving up a great job to move home so we can be together again. The trouble is i feel like i am making all the sacrifices. I love him but i dont know if its enough anymore. Take last night - he went out with his boys and i havent heard from him since. His cell is switched off. He knows that i worry about him particularly now that we are in a LDR and all i ask is for a quick sms or call just to say he is ok. I feel like he doesnt care about my feelings and how much i give and he takes. I would never go on a night out, especially if he knew that i wasnt going home tohim and not call at all. You know all i want is for him to love me so much that he wants to call and say he's ok. I want him to miss me and love me that he feels bad that he made me upset -i guess i want more than he can give me. after all this time together i dont feel secure in our relationship and i am now starting to question it. do i trust him? maybe, its hard when we are so far apart and only have maybe one day at the weekend. I angry he hasnt called - how could he make me feel like this? Is it time for me to stop being the one who gives and never gets anything back?

 
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Old 03-14-2007, 03:57 AM   #2
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Re: When is it time to stop giving?

Sounds to me that a lot of this is you feeling resentful at giving up your job. You are doing this for him, the least he could do is be there for you. This needs to be resolved as a sacrifice like this can eat away at the relationship in years to come. Talk to him about this. If you feel that the relationship is one-sided, tell him this and give him the chance to understand. Keep talking about things, tell him how you feel, he will not read your mind.

 
Old 03-14-2007, 04:18 AM   #3
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Re: When is it time to stop giving?

This is were i tell you that i have spoke to him until i am blue in the face. He thinks i am coming home not just for him but for my family - which is not true. He is selfish and just doesnt think - we have had this problem with him not calling for 5 years depsite how much i talk to him about it he never changes. I think it maybe possible there is someone else - why else not answer and then turn off cell. I really am under so much pressure i feel like i might explode, i feel trapped. Why is he behaving this way - he obviosuly saw that i had called prior to switching off his cell and yet he ignored me. I cant take anymore -why should I put up with this. I dont want to split up but i cant be treated like this forever

 
Old 03-14-2007, 04:24 AM   #4
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Re: When is it time to stop giving?

Hi Lola, are you sure his phone hasn't gone flat? has he not returned your call due to lack of credit?

I am not trying to make excuses for him, just trying to see if there maybe logical reasons.

Could he not of moved up to where your new job is? also does he ever call you, or is it always you?

I had a long distance relationship for three years, and I know how difficult it can be.

 
Old 03-14-2007, 04:27 AM   #5
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Re: When is it time to stop giving?

Oh I see. Of course you mustn't put up with this. If it has been going on this long and he still doesn't listen to you, he never will. Honestly, how many years do you have to say a thing. Sadly, you have let him get away with treating you like this. Stop it. Move on. Make it clear how you want to be treated and stick to it. Or carry your new assertiveness into your next relationship. Good luck, Sera

 
Old 03-14-2007, 04:36 AM   #6
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Re: When is it time to stop giving?

Thanks brook and sera - of course its possible there is a logical explanation but it just all seems to much of a coincidence as per usual. He normally calls and i call him to but it seems to happen when he goes on a night out. He said he went out with his brother but i am now doubting that.

He could have moved to me if he had wanted to but of course, his job was far too important!- albeit he may not have been with the same company bt he could have tried. He is in retail i am an attorney. He only manage tocome visit me 3 times in six months and to him this was him doing his best.

you're right -its my fault he treats me this way. I am a doormat and its gone on far too long. The other day I told him i was unhappy and he said that i knew where the door was. I thnk maybe he is waiting for me to pull the plug.

 
Old 03-14-2007, 04:57 AM   #7
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Re: When is it time to stop giving?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lola11 View Post
The other day I told him i was unhappy and he said that i knew where the door was. I thnk maybe he is waiting for me to pull the plug.
My god that quote makes me cross - what a .....! goodness that would of made me mad, that is so 'can't be bothered, take me as I am, or lump it'!

Lola, my partner was at university for three years and we took it in turns to visit each other. You say that he wouldn't move to where you are based because he is in RETAIL! thats pathetic, sorry no offence to anyone, but it is hardly a important career that can't be picked up elsewhere.

I don't know, I doubt very much this guy is going to become the guy you dream of, I don't think you two are compatible based on what you say.

Also aside from all that, I would also be concerned if he didn't call after a night out with his brother.

How old are you both by the way, are you older by any chance?

 
Old 03-14-2007, 05:13 AM   #8
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Re: When is it time to stop giving?

LOL!! no, i am 26 , he is 33!! I earn more than him and i think he maybe having issue with all of this. Of course it was fine while i was struggling as a student and he was the provider but now the tables have turned and perhaps him treating me like this is the only way he feels like a man.

I am also thinking that maybe he isnt talking to me or that i have done something to upset him. I cant think what except to call his brother to see if he was at our place - but no answer anyway.

I am so mad that he has not had the decency to call me!!

 
Old 03-14-2007, 05:17 AM   #9
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Re: When is it time to stop giving?

Stop right now!!
"but now the tables have turned and perhaps him treating me like this is the only way he feels like a man" This is not acceptable!
I am also thinking that maybe he isnt talking to me or that i have done something to upset him.
You are trying to make an excuse for him! He is not calling you because he is not calling you..don't make it your fault! New assertiveness, remember?

Last edited by Seraph; 03-14-2007 at 05:19 AM.

 
Old 03-14-2007, 09:20 AM   #10
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Re: When is it time to stop giving?

When did you last actually speak to him? I guess (not making excuses for him, just that some men are like this) he is very proud, can't cope with you earning more, more sucessful than him in his eyes, maybe also he is thinking 'no I am not moving to where she is because of her job, cause that will make me as a man look less worthy then her, as it will look like my job is not such a sucessful one'.

Ofcourse, this doesn't make his behaviour correct, but I do know that some guys can't cope with the female being more sucessful, and can become resentful.

But having said that, don't feel that you have to come down to his level, in order to keep him happy.

He is basically being childish, which was the reason I thought that you were the older one. Says alot doesn't it!

Last edited by brook65; 03-14-2007 at 09:21 AM.

 
Old 03-14-2007, 03:40 PM   #11
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Re: When is it time to stop giving?

You deserve more.

If it's meant to be.......you and him will find each other again.

I believe in destiny. Do you??

anyway......Reading all your posts.....I think it is best to part from one another.

I mean, why you should you be the only one that tries. You have something going on with your life....why bother giving it up, for a guy that doesn't think or care about your feelings.

You should never have to ask or tell him to call you.....this kind of thing should "click"(lack for a better word) for anyone that love, misses, or care for their partners happiness.

Clearly...this guy do not have.

It's just not worth your time..to be wondering why the heck he didn't call, right?

Last edited by try-ink; 03-14-2007 at 03:41 PM.

 
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