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Old 03-14-2007, 05:57 PM   #1
mom 2 all
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Please Give Advice

I am writing because I am so confused. My husband and I have been married for 13 years and we have two wonderful children. About 4 months ago my husband moved away for a job and decided he was not coming back. When I asked him to come home he said he loved me, but more like a friend :This made me very hurt and mad at first but we have remaned friendly.
I have decided to give my husband space because I know this all came from extreme depression. He has indured many loses in a short amount of time. He feels like a failure. I can honestly say I am afraid at times I worry about him going over the edge. I know if I had to endure what he has gone through I would give up. I feel he is pushing me away because of this.
I am only going on to explain my confusion.
When we talk he speaks lovingly, he calls me sweety and pet names but still says he feels only friendship.
I do not want to give up on my marriage, I would love it if he would come back and he says he is trying to move closer, he still says he wants out but when I tell him we should talk to the children, he says NO it may not come to that Today I met someone who I know wants to be more than friends, I excused myself and left.
I do not know what to do. My husband is giving such confusing signs. I want my marriage and I am loyal but I do not want to wait for him if he is serious about wanting out. Even though he says all of this I think it is the depression talking.
I am afraid if I told him someone else was interested he would not be able to take it. He feels everyone has turned against him. I want to be supportive. I really feel he is fragile. I just do not know what to do. Any adivice?

 
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Old 03-14-2007, 06:06 PM   #2
brook65
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Re: Please Give Advice

Hi Personally if I was in your shoes, I would respect him wanting a bit of space for the moment, if he is depressed like you say, this behaviour may well be down to that.

Is he getting help for his depression by the way?

I wouldn't tell the children anything about him MAYBE not coming back, for the time being you can tell them that he is working away, as he is afterall.

I also would not get involved with anyone else, that would only confuse matters even further, and add to your husbands depression, you don't want that on your shoulders.

Obviously if he does decide to not come home to you, and everything decided, then it would only be fair for you to move on.

Sorry to say this, but I have to ask, there isn't a possibility of him being with another woman is there? and you being on standby?

I really hope that isn't the case here, and I really hope you can sort this out as it can't be easy for you not knowing where you stand...

 
Old 03-14-2007, 06:35 PM   #3
mom 2 all
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Re: Please Give Advice

Thank you,
He is not getting counciling at this point but I have really talked to him about it.
I am trying to wait until he comes closer to home. He called about 10 minutes and he is planning on a positon closer to home. I hope he gets this if not he is trying to get something else. I feel if I get him closer I can get him to address this issue easier. I agree I should not tell the children and putting someone else in the equation is not fair to them. I do not feel he has anyone else only because when he calls he speaks openly with pet names and I call at all times of the day and night. I know that is not much to go on and yes I have thought about that. I have asked him if there was anyone else he of course says NO.
He really seems down. If he had someone and he wanted out what benifit would he have to lie.

Last edited by mom 2 all; 03-14-2007 at 06:53 PM. Reason: clicked on moused by mistake

 
Old 03-14-2007, 06:53 PM   #4
try-ink
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Re: Please Give Advice

My thoughts......

I am trying to figure out...what kind of life you and him are having.

So...it's sort of long distance..then, right?

SO...since he decided that you and him are more like friends than a husband and wife........Maybe, it's time to take his words and go from there.

anyways, if their is no affection/chemistry......then why not be with one that at least are giving it to you.

I completely understand....when you say....it's probably the depression talking.....Have you tried some form of counseling, yet??

Last edited by try-ink; 03-14-2007 at 06:56 PM.

 
Old 03-14-2007, 07:13 PM   #5
brook65
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Re: Please Give Advice

Well lets hope he does get this job that will bring him closer to you and the children, thats a good start.

With the children issue, although kids are not daft, all the time you aren't sure how things will turn out, I do feel to protect their feelings for the time being is good, as if you were to say something now and you were to sort out your marital problems and get back together, that will just leave them feeling insecure and waiting for another upsetting anouncement.

After what you say about phoning him at all times of day and him using his pet names for you, I have to agree with you that yes it is unlikely he has someone else.

I do think though that he has depression, the fact that his family turned against him, and then losing a job, maybe this has made him retreat into a shell, and the rejection he faced at those times, has made him scared of more rejection, if you see what I mean - perhaps a breakdown of sorts?

Although it is tempting for you to see someone who shows an interest in you - it is good that you are thinking of your kids feelings here first, and being patient with your husband.

I wouldn't give up on him just yet, when people get depressed they quite often reject everyone close to them, maybe he doesn't want you and his kids seeing him like this...

 
Old 03-15-2007, 05:51 AM   #6
mom 2 all
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Re: Please Give Advice

The replies I have heard has helped so much because I am hearing what I feel is right, I do want to wait and yes it is difficult when there are others out there that would give affection, but I do love my husband and it does help to hear others agree with my thinking. THANKS

 
Old 03-15-2007, 06:47 AM   #7
Laylah
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Re: Please Give Advice

I havent read all the replies, but I'd definately recommend you discuss counselling with him. I pretty much lost my mind after my best friends suicide, so I have some idea of what your husband may be going through.

For a long time after that berevement I just wanted to be alone, I didnt want to be around anybody, especially anybody who was emotionally invested in me, it just felt so stressful. It is strange, you'd think in this positon we'd take comfort in the company of the people who love us, but this isnt always the case, it certainly wasnt with me. So yes, I think you should persuade your husband to get help. Good luck with it all.

 
Old 03-15-2007, 01:36 PM   #8
brook65
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Re: Please Give Advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by mom 2 all View Post
The replies I have heard has helped so much because I am hearing what I feel is right, I do want to wait and yes it is difficult when there are others out there that would give affection, but I do love my husband and it does help to hear others agree with my thinking. THANKS

Yeah and I am sure he still loves you also, especially with all the pet names etc, that shows deep affection in my eyes.

Just give it time, lets hope he gets the nearer to home job, I am sure he is worth waiting for.

Good luck and hope he gets the help he probably needs

 
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