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Very confused about dating guys and me

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Old 03-18-2007, 10:29 AM   #1
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Very confused about dating guys and me

Hi all,

I have posted a bit but not about myself and my situation. I was very ill for 9 years (a bacterial infection) which prevented me from functioning and left me partially disabled, though I have worked from home all these years. Thank goodness I have now been better for over a year. I am also 50 years old and have been married twice, no children.

Now I'm dating again and it feels strange because I'm so used to being alone (I am a loner by heart) and do need my space. The guys I meet are from online dating sites since I am not a bar person. Some guys I have met are really nice but I don't just want to settle for anyone. I feel that I still have the right to be picky when it comes to choosing the right man. I don't want to end up being miserable because I "settled".

Okay, now I'm getting to the point: the most recent guy I am dating is very attractive (I'm physically attracted to him) and can talk about everything, he is very open. I knew he was disabled before we met in person and that was fine with me as my thinking was to give this guy a chance and learn more about him.

Well, he came over yesterday and everything was fine until he started telling me some stories that sounded a bit far-fetched. One of the stories he told me was that his psychologist came on to him sexually. I told him that I didn't think that was professional. This may sound like I am jealous but believe me, I don't know him well enough to feel jealous. It's about ethics and principles but he thinks it's okay. I don't.

The other thing that is bothering me is when I asked him what he plans on doing the rest of his life as far as working. I have been supporting myself and I would not mind meeting a guy that has his life together financially. I feel bad that he became hurt on a job and he gets workers compensation right now. He is impaired in his legs and back though he can walk without a cane (he only uses the cane when he is outside where people can see him).

Am I being too critical? I feel like I want it all, the good looks, being financially secure, good sex, etc. I know that will never happen.

There is another guy that I met a year ago who wants to get serious with me. Now he is kind, gentle, is financially secure but I want to hear whistles go off when I am with him and I didn't.

So what's wrong with me? My expectations are too high?


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Old 03-18-2007, 01:09 PM   #2
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plasva HB User
Re: Very confused about dating guys and me

I think you should really think about giving the kind, financially secure guy who wants to get serious with you a chance, especially if you are attracted to him and think you might be able to develop love over time. The "honeymoon phase" of excitement and sparks always fades, but love can grow as people spend years together. I'm not saying you should get involved in a relationship that "feels all wrong" just because he's nice and secure. But if it feels mostly "right" except for lack of "sparks," it could still be "true love."

You should be picky, especially about things like financial security, how nice a person he is, etc. But don't write-off a relationship just because of lack of bells-and-whistles... I think sometimes you have that in the beginning of a relationship, but sometimes that comes later, when you realize what a "great catch" you ended up with

PS: By financial security, I am referring to being able to live within one's means, minimize debt, and be trustworthy with money. He doesn't necessarily have to earn "a lot."

Last edited by plasva; 03-18-2007 at 01:11 PM.

Old 03-18-2007, 01:19 PM   #3
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Re: Very confused about dating guys and me

The bells and whistles went off right away with my second husband and are still ringing loud and clear after 14 years. I "settled" the first time. I was determined not to ever do that again. It's sad to be with someone you are not attracted to sexually. He was a great friend. I needed and wanted more. He deserved more as well. We both have that now. There is no reason to stop dating the second guy. You never know, something might happen with it. The first guy, if you have doubts, they are there for a reason. Listen to them. Keep looking mean while, you don't have to just date one guy. Take care. Diane

Old 03-18-2007, 02:01 PM   #4
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Re: Very confused about dating guys and me

Hi Plas and Diane,

Thanks for your input, I truly appreciate both your views. What I left out of my first post was that I know I deliberately looked for an excuse to "rock the boat" because I really like this guy so much. I honestly don't know of his financial situation because it's just too soon in the relationship.

He wrote to me today that he was very upset that I questioned his integrity but that he is the forgiving type. I wrote him back and told him I was sorry for hurting his feelings and that I just feel so confused.

Yes, with this guy there are "bells and whistles" even just looking at him and vice versa. We are both crazy about each other and that scares me.

I also told him that I am the type of person who needs her space and he understands that completely.

I know people that have married for money or just for financial security and they are miserable! Yes, money is important but it doesn't buy true love and happiness.

I guess I am just scared because I met someone that swept me off my feet not only physically but emotionally too. We had 2 dates so far and after the 2nd date yesterday, I felt like I have known him forever. I was able to open up to him and tell him things about myself that I never told anyone.

Why I am so scared about this? Is it because I have been alone for so many years? I ask myself if I am scared of commiting myself to this guy because he let me know right away that he is crazy about me. After our 1st date, he sent me flowers with a card that said "thanks for being you".

I don't understand what I am feeling.


Last edited by sunnyrise; 03-18-2007 at 02:02 PM. Reason: typo

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