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Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?


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Old 03-18-2007, 02:59 PM   #1
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Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

I am not at all experienced in the relationship aspect of things, so I'd like some advice....

Nice guy I've recently met. Intelligent, general knowledge of all things which is a big plus for conversation, religious (another ++), funny & witty.

However, very shy & has VERY low self-esteem. You can walk all over him. I don't like that at all. I think that makes me not physically attracted to him either. He seems to want to go overboard to impress me, I don't like that. And he just doesn't show or make any effort to even try to be more of a "man." I don't like that. He's thirty-four.

But he seems do be a great friend to me. I don't think he has many friends either.

Question: do I make an effort to get involved with him? I think he likes me a lot. BuT him not being assertive enough turns me off. I can't say that I'm really attracted to him. I'm also a conversationalist, funny, witty, not very shy or reserved. I know you can't change a man, but do I make an effort to help him in any way? I don't know if him being this way is something that I can overlook...what should I do??

 
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Old 03-18-2007, 03:05 PM   #2
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Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

It looks like you answered your own question. You're not attracted to him, why would you try to get involved with him?

You can just remain friends. There's no reason for you to get involved if you're not feeling anything. There's no reason for you to settle, which is exactly what you'd be doing if you tried getting involved with someone you have no chemistry.

Not only that, but it gets very, very tiring to have to be constantly building someone up when they have no self esteem. If you go into this thinking you can change him, think again. He needs to find the confidence in himself before he can be a healthy relationship partner. I see nothing but a ton of frustration in it for you if you decide to try to date this guy. But there's no reason why you can't be friends. Friends is just fine, there's nothing wrong with it.

Last edited by Kszan; 03-18-2007 at 03:06 PM.

 
Old 03-18-2007, 03:06 PM   #3
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Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

I think that shyness in a guy can be pretty cute and a little endearing, but low self-esteem is another matter altogether. You're right, it's just not very attractive at all. I think if it annoys you about him now, then likely it would only grow to be more irritating if you guys were to actually start dating. You could remain his friend and try to perk up his self-esteem in little ways by giving him compliments and such. Maybe by being around you he'll grow to be a little more comfortable around women.
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Old 03-18-2007, 03:14 PM   #4
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Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

I know, you're both right. I'm 30 and I'm really ready for marriage & all of that. I haven't dated much - partly b/c I have strict parents, but mostly b/c I'm too scared of all the diseases and things out there.

I feel like there's no decent guy left! Religion & ethnicity are important to me, and I can't find that either. I met him online & took months to meeet up. I can't do that again.

I absolutely don't want to settle, but can I be reading too much into this? Yes, looks are not everything, but attraction is s/th very different & I don't have that with him....even as a friend, how do I keep it while at the same time not getting HIS hopes up? I don't think he would even fight for me!! Am I being an idiot to think in these terms? Where are all the good guys??

 
Old 03-18-2007, 06:10 PM   #5
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Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

There are plenty of guys out there.

You just haven't stumble upon them yet.

Just keep your chin up.

 
Old 03-18-2007, 08:00 PM   #6
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Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

Well, everyone has different ideas of what's attractive. There are probably some women who would find his lack of self esteem and inability to stick up for himself very attractive because she can make him do whatever she wants him to do. Some women like to wear the pants in the family and run the household and be the "boss" and some women would rather have the man take charge and be the stand up one. It sounds like you'd prefer a man who is strong and maybe a little bit braver and more or a protector/provider type than this guy is. Yes, it is hard to find a good guy, and as you get older, the available pool of good men dries up even more. At 42, to be honest, I've actually given up on ever finding a good man. I just don't think he's out there, and if he is, he's most likely already married to someone else. But just becasue a good man is hard to find that doesn't mean you should settle. The question is, is this guy husband matieral? Is he the kind of man you want as a husband? It sounds like the answer would most likely be no. If that's the case, you need to just be honest with him and tell him you would like to be friends with him but anything more than that isn't gonna happen. Be clear and honest and firm about it. If he can't handle it or refuses to get the message, then it's probably best to break off contact, as painful and sad as that may be.

 
Old 03-18-2007, 08:15 PM   #7
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Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

Definitely too much like hard work. With ANY man, women spend enough time stroking and protecting the ole ego, without having to build one from scratch. Sorry, but life is too short. If he wants you enough, the caveman should come thundering out at some stage.

 
Old 03-18-2007, 10:33 PM   #8
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Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

I can't stand how most women take low self-esteem as an immediate complete turnoff. Have you ever thought about why the guy has low self-esteem? How are guys who don't feel good about themselves supposed to feel knowing the likelihood of finding a relationship is already slim to nil? Feeling good about yourself is not something that can be turned on and off with a switch.

I will use myself as an example. I turn 23 next month. I have social anxiety, I don't have any friends and I have never had a relationship of any kind with a woman (obviously I am a virgin as well). Where am I supposed to draw a high self-esteem from?

I will be happy when (or if) I can deal with the social anxiety and stigma of not having any friends (and the stigma of being a 23 year-old virgin is very depressing, not because I'm a virgin, but because I've never had an opportunity to get rid of that distinction), and when (or if) I can find that special woman to settle down with. Until then, I don't have anything to make me feel good about myself.

 
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Old 03-18-2007, 10:43 PM   #9
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Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

I will use myself as an example. I turn 23 next month. I have social anxiety, I don't have any friends and I have never had a relationship of any kind with a woman (obviously I am a virgin as well). Where am I supposed to draw a high self-esteem from?
I am sorry for anyone who has self esteem issues, but lets face it - what do you want, and why do you want someone else to do it for you? The ball is in your court when all is said and done, it is all about getting out there and taking chances. How can you expect anyone else to like you when you don't even like yourself? I know this sounds hard, but it is true. Most people are in there swimming for their lives emotionally, and can't afford to take on someone who will just hang on and not swim for themselves. Get to like yourself, it doesn't matter how many people like you or swoon at your feet or whatever; if you don't like yourself, it makes no difference.

 
Old 03-18-2007, 10:58 PM   #10
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Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

I'd have to agree with Sereph, Van. I'm truly sorry about your self esteem issues, it is a struggle, and I hope you can work them out. But let's be honest, it's not just women who aren't attracted to men with low self esteem. The only men who are attracted to women with low self esteem are men who want to exploit or take advantage of it somehow. Men aren't attracted to women who hang their heads all the time, don't take pride in their appearance, who aren't sparkly and bubbly and lively and full of fun, who instead are clingy, insecure and whiny and who can't take care of themselves. I have had more than my share of struggles with self esteem issues as well, and still am a work in progress. I've never been diagnosed with social anxiety, but I've never done really well in social situations, get very timid and shy. I also had a really bad patch a few years back and had a lot of loss hit me all at once, and I let myself go, gained quite a bit of weight, instead of loving myself enough to keep my pride up and keep my looks and my esteem. Now I'm struggling to get it back. It is very painful for me to face the fact that my romantic possibilites are severely limited and will be until and unless I lose 20 pounds or so, I don't like to think that love and happiness is reserved for size 6 and under women only, but the truth is, more men are attracted to women who look good, who are trim, slender, athletic, and who take pride in their appearance. part of finding love is figuring out what makes a good, worthy, desirable, stabel, trustworthy partner for someone of the opposite sex, and then size yourself up and make the changes you have to make to strive to be as close as you can to a good, desirable partner.

 
Old 03-19-2007, 06:07 AM   #11
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Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

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Originally Posted by Van_27 View Post
Where am I supposed to draw a high self-esteem from? ....Until then, I don't have anything to make me feel good about myself.
You're supposed to draw it from WITHIN, because that is the ONLY place from where it CAN be drawn. If you're sitting around hoping that a relationship is going to bring you self esteem, then you're in for a very rude awakening.

The fact of the matter is, we need to feel whole within ourselves and complete as individuals before we can ever hope to be a partner with someone else. The only person in your life who can fill that love in your life is yourself. If you spend your entire life hoping to find someone that can fill that void for you, you'll never find anyone who fits the bill, because the only person who will fit is you. Once you come to understand this and make it your truth, and own who you are, you will have more confidence and you won't feel so negatively about yourself anymore.

It's easy to go around blaming everyone else for their preferences, such as how you are so upset with what everyone is saying here. But the fact of the matter is that you are responsible for your own happiness, in the end. Having someone in your life to be your partner is not the answer. The answer is learning to love yourself and be comfortable with yourself and realize that you don't really need anyone to make you a complete person. Because you've been that complete person all along and just haven't realized it.

 
Old 03-19-2007, 01:33 PM   #12
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Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

Jsut to add, Van, of course very very few people are truly, totally completely happy living their whole life alone. If there were none of us would be here, because no one would ever want to take the risk of falling in love, no one would ever get married or have sex or make babies because they'd already be perfectly happy living on their own, but of course you know that's not how it really works. It's very deep in the human race to want companionship, love, sex, and emotionaly intimacy. Without these things, life is not as full or as happy or fulfilling as it is alone, no matter how much you love yourself. I think what we're saying is that no one can really fix all your problems for you. Having a companion/spouse can make life more full and easier in some ways, but you still have to handle problems, deal with stress, fight the daily battle of living, and you still have to stand on your own two feet in those matters. Sometimes we all need affirmation that we are ok, attractive, lovable, etc. When you go years without a date or without being hit on, it can make you feel unattractive, and it can help boost your self esteem and confidence if a cool, attractive person then comes up and hits on you or flirts with you. But what we're saying is, whether they do or don't shouldn't play THAT big a part in how you see yourself. If a tree falls in the forest and no one's there to hear it, does it make a sound? Of course it does!!! And if no one is hitting on you or responding to your advances, does that mean you still have wonderful things to offer? Of course it does!! But you have to believe it, recognize it, nurture and make flourish those wonderful things about you instead of waiting for someone to approve of you before you pursue being the best you that you know how to be. You don't need anyone's permission to think you're wonderful. You should always be proud to be just who and what you are. When you find someone who will actually AGREE with you, then that's the final piece of the puzzle. But they AGREE with you, not CONVINCE you. You should already be convinced. It's sometimes a hard lesson, one I'm still learning myself. Hang in there, stay tough.

 
Old 03-19-2007, 06:06 PM   #13
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Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

To Van:

I am sorry about your situation, however, everything in life is as hard as we make it out to be. I, myself, have MANY insecurities that friends/family think I'm out of my mind for thinking. For example, I really have enormous anxiety about being alone when we're expecting the cable guy, or walk alone in the dark...I have tremendous fear of getting assulted or raped. Maybe this is why I'm still single - I'm too afraid of the nightlife...going to the bathroom at a club, hailing a cab, walking after sunset...all these things terrify me. Not to say I haven't done them. I am carfeul when I'm out, but that fear consumes me from time to time.

One of the reasons this "meet" with this guy took 3 months was because I was afraid. Fear is crippling, but it cannot allow anyone to stop living.

Maybe this is WHY I just didn't like him or ANY guy with low self esteem...because I need to feel protected and secure by a guy...maybe.

Well, just found out about a personal health situation of a family member & that has made me forget all about him. I told him I need some time to deal with it. He sent me a "be positive" email, and that was 3 days ago. I don't know when I'll be up to contacting him again.

I'm back to square one again, and a little depressed because of it.

 
Old 03-19-2007, 06:31 PM   #14
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Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

CandP: try not to get too depressed or down about things. You are doing the right thing by not pursuing a romantic relationship with this man, because you are clearly not attracted to him. As far as being 30 goes, please don't sweat it, because every new day is an opportunity for someone good to come into your life. Don't listen to people/media/all that other stuff about age and no good men, etc. Sadly, the divorce rate being what it is, the dating pool is constantly shifting. You never know what will happen. Keep working on yourself and whatever fears you have as a result of your upbringing. Everyone can change, and everyone can find someone.

 
Old 03-19-2007, 07:32 PM   #15
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Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Van_27 View Post
I can't stand how most women take low self-esteem as an immediate complete turnoff. Have you ever thought about why the guy has low self-esteem? How are guys who don't feel good about themselves supposed to feel knowing the likelihood of finding a relationship is already slim to nil? Feeling good about yourself is not something that can be turned on and off with a switch.

I will use myself as an example. I turn 23 next month. I have social anxiety, I don't have any friends and I have never had a relationship of any kind with a woman (obviously I am a virgin as well). Where am I supposed to draw a high self-esteem from?

I will be happy when (or if) I can deal with the social anxiety and stigma of not having any friends (and the stigma of being a 23 year-old virgin is very depressing, not because I'm a virgin, but because I've never had an opportunity to get rid of that distinction), and when (or if) I can find that special woman to settle down with. Until then, I don't have anything to make me feel good about myself.
I was in a similar position as you, Van. You have to realize that the dating game isn't about someone realizing you are a diamond in the rough, and rescuing you (from yourself). Although I think shy people should be given a chance (I am one, and I married one), people are basically selfish and if they don't have the patience for someone with low self esteem, they don't have to put themselves out at all. It sucks but it's true. You have to realize you're not just a victim, and that you have to take responsibility for yourself because no one else will. Plus once you get to know people, you find out you're more normal than they are, and your self esteem will increase.

 
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