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Am I being difficult?


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Old 03-19-2007, 02:21 PM   #1
KeltoKel
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Am I being difficult?

I do not have a good relationship with my MIL. It seems every time hubby and I have something good happening in our lives, she has to come and rain on our parade. She is controlling and self centered.

She once made a wonderful comment to my husband about how he would have "2-3 wives in his life but only one set of parents..." Since that comment, I really can't forgive her, and loathe her even more.

She and I have talked on the phone since then - she even came out when I had my baby in November, and we saw them (the in-laws) over Christmas. I always put on a smile - but in the back of my mind - I almost hate her. I know that is a strong word, but I really cannot stand her.


Well - the newest. She and I were talking last week and she told me that she was going to buy my son's Christianing outfit. Never asked - just told me that she was buying it. In other words, she was picking out what my son was to wear on his day. I never talked to her about what I liked either so it wasn't like she intended on picking out something that she knew I would like.

Since I can't stand my MIL's taste, I politely told her "thanks....but please do not...I already have something I like and intend to buy...."


My question - am I being difficult by not letting her buy his outfit? I think she should ASK if she can buy it and not TELL us she is buying it. She probably thinks she is being nice and helpful, but I feel like she is being her controlling self.

 
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Old 03-19-2007, 02:36 PM   #2
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Re: Am I being difficult?

I don't think you was difficult. It's your right to choose outfit yourself and you handle it nicely.
May be let her choose something else or bring something to make her feel included.
May be you take too literally her comment about your dh having just one set of parents althought it is unpleasant.

 
Old 03-19-2007, 02:43 PM   #3
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Re: Am I being difficult?

you did the right thing, she's the type of person that you need to set boundries with.....
keep up the good work!

 
Old 03-19-2007, 02:53 PM   #4
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Re: Am I being difficult?

Of course you weren't being difficult. She has already experienced motherhood, picked out clothes, shoes etc for her children. Now it is your turn- youre the mother after all!I think you were very polite...
I do think that the comment she made about your husband having 2-3 wives but only one set of parents as very sad...she obviously has issues letting her son go. even though he has already gone!!
Continue being civil with her, for your husbands and childs sake. You don't have to like her. Just set the boundries for your own comfort and control.

 
Old 03-19-2007, 05:47 PM   #5
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Re: Am I being difficult?

No wonder there are mother-in-law jokes, it is so typical! Just ignore the old boot, go your own way, smile sweetly and agree with everything she says (except if she tries to take over like with the suit). Sounds like she at least is not living on your doorstep so that is a plus. Remind yourself that nobody who loves your husband and son can be ALL bad. Cheers, Sera

 
Old 03-20-2007, 05:39 AM   #6
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Re: Am I being difficult?

Thanks everyone. I figured that this is me and hubby's day with our son and not HER day with my son. Therefore, hubby and I should be picking out what he wears and not her. I thought it was typical of her to tell me that she was going to get his outfit. While some people might look at it as being helpful, I chalked it up to her wanting to take control, as usual. How dare her say what he is going to wear without even asking me about it. UGH!

 
Old 03-20-2007, 06:17 AM   #7
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Re: Am I being difficult?

Quote:
Originally Posted by KeltoKel View Post
I do not have a good relationship with my MIL. It seems every time hubby and I have something good happening in our lives, she has to come and rain on our parade. She is controlling and self centered.

She once made a wonderful comment to my husband about how he would have "2-3 wives in his life but only one set of parents..." Since that comment, I really can't forgive her, and loathe her even more.

She and I have talked on the phone since then - she even came out when I had my baby in November, and we saw them (the in-laws) over Christmas. I always put on a smile - but in the back of my mind - I almost hate her. I know that is a strong word, but I really cannot stand her.


Well - the newest. She and I were talking last week and she told me that she was going to buy my son's Christianing outfit. Never asked - just told me that she was buying it. In other words, she was picking out what my son was to wear on his day. I never talked to her about what I liked either so it wasn't like she intended on picking out something that she knew I would like.

Since I can't stand my MIL's taste, I politely told her "thanks....but please do not...I already have something I like and intend to buy...."


My question - am I being difficult by not letting her buy his outfit? I think she should ASK if she can buy it and not TELL us she is buying it. She probably thinks she is being nice and helpful, but I feel like she is being her controlling self.
No, you are not being difficult. You wasn't rude about it. you just politely told her that you prefered to buy it. It's understand that she wanted to buy it, as she most probably feels it wouldn't bother you. have you spoken to your husband about this?

Last edited by PHILROSE; 03-20-2007 at 06:18 AM.

 
Old 03-20-2007, 11:49 AM   #8
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Re: Am I being difficult?

Keltokel - I normally don't post here, but saw your post and had to respond.

No, you are in no way being difficult. I would have done the same thing. In fact, I have done the same thing.

My MIL is VERY difficult and demanding. To the point that my own SISTER'S MIL pointed out how overbearing she was (and that's the pot calling the kettle black right there!).

Anyway, just yesterday I was picking up dd from MIL house and she brings out this outfit she bought and goes, "this is for Easter". I took 3 deep breathes and go, "thank you, but I already have an Easter outfit for her to wear". You should have seen her face. It's like I just killed her dog or something. But come on - this is MY daughter's first Easter and I'M going to be the one buying the outfit. Why is it that Grandmother's think that the Grandchildren are THEIR children?

Anyway, as you can see I have a very strained relationship with my MIL too. I guess it just boils down to the fact that she bullies everyone around her, including her own children and she tries to do it with me and I will have nothing of it. So far to date, I have had 3 conversations with her telling her point blank to BACK OFF. I try to set boundries, but she just steam rolls right over them. It's to the point now that I hate, absolutely HATE, and DREAD going over to her house. Because I know that the minute I walk in the door she's going to be all over me about something. Which is really unfortunate because when she isn't being overbearing, she is quite lovely and funny. Recently I had a house full of guests for dh birthday and she cornered me in the kitchen. I politely said, "it's none of your business, stay out of it and leave us alone!".

But yes, just keep setting the boundries. I'll probably be doing it until I'm blue in the face, but heck, at least I'm doing something about it instead of sitting like a mute like the rest of the family.

Even MIL's husband can't stand to be around her and makes up any excuse to get the heck out of the house! He's been MIA in FL for the past month with no set return date - wonder why THAT is?!?!?!?!?

Oh, and MIL is notorious for buying things and 'hiding' it in my dd's diaper bag - for me to find when I get home. Things that I told her I don't need, like a binky holder that attaches to her clothes (I don't even use a binky!). So now I just look thru the diaper bag before I leave her house. And if something is in there, I take it out and leave it on the dining room table. Two can play at that game! lol

Have fun buying the outfit that YOU want for your son's Christening outfit!

 
Old 03-20-2007, 12:07 PM   #9
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Re: Am I being difficult?

Hey Trooper! I am so glad you posted this. You know, my MIL did something similar at Christmas time. She mailed us DS's Christmas outfit! How sweet of her, huh? Didn't ask - just told us she bought us his "Christmas outfit" and was sending it. Thank goodness they live far away. We put it on him when we videoconferenced with her later that evening. We didn't have the stupid looking shoes she mailed with the outfit on him when we conferenced, and the first thing she said when we turned that camera on was, "where are the shoes???" GRRRRRRRRR......!

Anyhow, I know how you feel and I am glad I am not alone or being irrational. I guess most new moms feel the way we do - that we want to make our own choices and decisions when raising our kids. Thanks for your feedback.

 
Old 03-20-2007, 12:08 PM   #10
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Re: Am I being difficult?

I would let mil buy something else, less critical sho she feels included.
My mil sometimes buying unnecessary stuff like another baby toilet seat or baby toothpaste, and I don't care. In my case I am busy working mom, not picky, and happy if somebody does at least something.
My father is the one who likes buying useless stuff and then expecting me to use it somehow. He always had shopping problem.

 
Old 03-20-2007, 12:31 PM   #11
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Re: Am I being difficult?

LOL - don't even get me started on the Christmas outfit! Well, okay, I'll tell you...

MIL came over for a visit sometime before Thanksgiving - so dd was about a month and half old - and gave a box to my husband while I was upstairs. So after she leaves dh gives me the box to open. And sure enough, there is her Christmas outfit wrapped in tissue. I was !!!!! She didn't ask me, she just gave it to my husband instead of to me. Like I'm just supposed to obey!

Luckily, dd is very long, so by the time X-mas came around she didn't even fit into it (not that I was going to dress her in it anyway). Even dh refused to squeeze her into it just to appease her.

Even my own Mother bought a Christmas outfit for dd and exclaimed, "oh I hope I'm the first one!". What the heck? Shouldn't I, ME, THE MOMMY be the first one??? Grandma's - gotta love them. At least you can love yours' from a distance. lol

There is another story about some stupid heirloom baby sweater/pants/hat set that MIL just HAD to have a picture of dd in. This outfit was so itchy, I wouldn't even put it on mySELF! Long story short, I took the pictures myself, not her (so on my terms), plus DH gave back the outfit and said to his mom that she needed to pick one of the photos I took because she was not to put our dd back into that outfit again because she hated it (itchy).

You are SOOOOOOOO lucky your MIL lives far away. Mine is 5 minutes down the street.

You cracked me up with "...stupid looking shoes..." lol

 
Old 03-20-2007, 01:59 PM   #12
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Re: Am I being difficult?

Trooper - my MIL and your MIL should get together and go bowling. I bet they would have a lot to talk about! LOL!

 
Old 03-20-2007, 02:25 PM   #13
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Re: Am I being difficult?

We all will be mil one day. Let's keep it in mind.

 
Old 03-20-2007, 03:30 PM   #14
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Re: Am I being difficult?

Quote:
Originally Posted by galinaqt View Post
We all will be mil one day. Let's keep it in mind.
Well, I wouldn't say ALL of us, but I think I catch your drift....

And I don't forget that my own mother is a MIL to my hubby and my brother's wife. And let me tell you, I thank God for my mother every day! She is simply great! My hubby even agrees. She knows when to keep her opinions and views to herself.

I can say one thing - my MIL has taught me what kind of MIL NOT to be if/when my son marries.

 
Old 03-20-2007, 06:44 PM   #15
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Re: Am I being difficult?

Quote:
Originally Posted by galinaqt View Post
We all will be mil one day. Let's keep it in mind.
What does that mean?


Kelto - you did the right thing. Like another poster said, you need to keep boundaries. She had no right to say that she would be buying the outfit on yours sons big day. That is something you and your husband should decide on.

 
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