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How do we change


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Old 03-21-2007, 01:39 PM   #1
angel_light
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How do we change

How can I change? I have let people take advantage of me once again. I got paid but 5 days late. Because I allowed my supervisor to do that to me..

My fiance and I have been fighting over these items. He said I let people run all over me, and I lied to him about something. I said I had picked up my paycheck when I did not because my boss said he would deposit it for me on the next day. It did not happen. The only reason I lied was to protect him from stressing out and I did not want him getting upset with me because I could not force something... and it made it worse.

Now once more I am without a full time job because I quit over this problem. How can I be more assertive, how can I avoid mistakes?

He has his own mistakes as well such as getting upset too easily and he is fixing those. I just need to fix mine. I want this to work, he wants this to work, but we have entangled ourselves in such a mess.

 
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Old 03-21-2007, 02:15 PM   #2
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Re: How do we change

Wanting to improve on your weakness is the first step.

I used to allow myself to be used and walked all over. I came to a point where I finally just got sick of it... and realized that I deserved better. (in boyfriend situations.) I had to stop putting or keeping myself in situations where people were trying to take advantage of me. I learned to say no. That was a big thing.. learning to say no, learning to put your foot down on important things.. like with your boss for example. (I believe that withholding a paycheck is illegal by the way..)

I had one job inparticular that taught me not to take crap from anyone, that I wasn't some insignificant nothing that could be pushed around. It toughened me up in a sense. It was something that changed gradually with me.. just standing up for myself. I'm a people pleaser, I always want everyone to like me and to be happy. But I learned over the past few years, that you will never please everyone, you can only try. And at the end of the day, the only person that really matters is yourself.. are you happy?

I don't know how to tell you to change. I think realizing that this part of you needs to is the hardest part. Now you just need to put it into action, and start standing up for yourself. Your voice, your oppinion, you matter.. no-one should be able to convinence you otherwise.

 
Old 03-21-2007, 02:29 PM   #3
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Re: How do we change

you are not accountable to your bf, whether you got the cheque in time should be none of his business. I understand that you need to get paid to get going but you should not feel so terribly insecure because it happened that our wages are late, which was not completely your mistake...
Angel, learn NOT to apologise to your bf.

Now, letting people walk all over you is not good for you but he needs to play a role in supporting you to change not "stressing out" if you make a mistake.

The thing that I don't quite understand is why did you quit over this? you don't want to be under your bf's financial control do you?

Last edited by Nina000; 03-21-2007 at 04:25 PM.

 
Old 03-21-2007, 03:31 PM   #4
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Re: How do we change

I would not have quit, but he pretty much made me. My sisters told me I should and so did my friends.. my parents.... I did not want to though. I know I was paid late, but I think it would have been ok, other than him trying to not pay me for another two weeks. But they all stepped in and decided for me. See this is one of my problems, people take my problem into their hands and make everything so much worse.

I am frustrated that my bf is so frustrated with me. I try very hard and he just gets upset over things so small. Yesterday I did leave him waiting for me for over 20 minutes when I said 5, and I apologized. I won't do that again. It is not like I do not consider his feelings too, I just have become frustrated with him, with my family, with myself, everything.

Too much has happened. I have taken care of my bf, he still is in this place where he is not ready to be married, maybe for the best on my part. And things are just stressing me out so much lately. We have already almost broken up over these items and now we want to work them out. Hopefully WE. I know I want to make it work, and he said he does too. We just need to get our finances in a better place so we are less stressed and once that happens I think those frustrations will be gone, and then we can focus on one another only...

I am just sad... I feel depressed. I cannot sleep, or I sleep too much now. I cannot eat without getting sick. Everytime I try to eat I am sick and it does not stay in my stomach very long. I am losing weight as we speak. I wanted to lose a little but not in this way.

We love eachother.. we just need to figure something out.

 
Old 03-21-2007, 04:46 PM   #5
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Re: How do we change

Angel..I feel for you I really do because I have had to go through similar experiences of stress to satisfay at some point of my life. It is not humanely possible and the key is to know that you can't, don't have and shouldn't do more than you can.

I know it is not what you want to hear but your bf is borderline abusive mentally and emotionally....I know this because I experienced it. It does seem that money is playing a huge part in your problems but still not a justification for you feeling what you are feeling.

Try to take it one day at a time. Give yourself few days of rest and then try to find a stable (regular) job, more importantly one that you enjoy if possible, regardless of your relationship.

When you feel down, the last thing that you want to do is to get up and go to work with all the other worries in your head...so you really need to find the strength, mentally and physically to do so....So step 1 is try to pull your strength back together , and eat and sleep enough because physical stress adds to mental stress. Forget work for a week or so...he has to accept you and support you through thick and thin.

 
Old 03-21-2007, 08:47 PM   #6
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Re: How do we change

Sounds like maybe your employer is on the verge of having to close it's doors anyway. It's possible you could have worked and not gotten paid at all. I don't know what part of the country you live in but up here in Ohio, the economy sux and employers are leaving employees stranded and closing the doors in their faces left and right up here! It's the pits! Good luck on your job search...but just remember "everything happens for a reason"...probably a better job is around the corner!

Last edited by ILYF; 03-22-2007 at 06:10 AM.

 
Old 03-21-2007, 10:06 PM   #7
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Re: How do we change

Angel Light, when you've been raised and trained to be a people pleaser, to always say yes and never say no, and always try to bend and twist to make others happy, and then they never are, and you reach adulthood, it's a looooonnng, difficult, sometimes lifelong process to unlearn those behaviors. But I don't think it will be possible for you to learn to be strong and assertive and to say no in every other aspect of your life, and then go home and shuck and jive and walk on eggshells to appease the person at home. I would say that the first step in becoming a stronger, more assertive woman is to ditch your fiance, but I know you're never going to do that, so, I'm not sure what to tell you. If you knew you didn't want to quit, but you let everyone else tell you to quit so you did, I think you need to work on figuring out why that is. Why is making someone else "happy" and I say that in quotes because disrespecting yourself and doing what someone else tells you to do just because they tell you to do it doesn't really make anyone "happy" it only makes it easier for them to walk on you. Why is giving them that momentary rush of controling you more important to you than your own wants and needs? I think working on that would be a good place to start. I also think it helps if you decide ahead of time what you will and won't accept, and how much you'll take other people's opinions to heart, and learning to take other peoples' advice into consideration, but still make up your own mind and having faith in your own judgment and having confidence in your ability to run your own life and do the right thing would be a good start. But again, that will be extremely difficult if not impossible to achieve while you're living with someone who works overtime trying make you feel stupid and incompetent.

 
Old 03-22-2007, 07:30 AM   #8
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Re: How do we change

Spot on, Larrylou'smom, again. All that "be a nice little girl" we got all our lives has claimed another victim. That fiance is nothing more than an emotional blackmailer, holding out on commitment to keep you off balance and under the thumb. Sounds like any stress you have in your work life has come mainly thru him and his controlling behaviour. You will wake up to the whole thing sooner or later, hope it is before you spend half a lifetime of misery.. cos thats where you are headed now. Yours toughly, Sera

 
Old 03-22-2007, 09:25 AM   #9
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Re: How do we change

Quote:
Originally Posted by angel_light View Post
I would not have quit, but he pretty much made me. My sisters told me I should and so did my friends.. my parents.... I did not want to though. I know I was paid late, but I think it would have been ok, other than him trying to not pay me for another two weeks. But they all stepped in and decided for me. See this is one of my problems, people take my problem into their hands and make everything so much worse.
that statement says that you aren't willing to take responsibility. How did everyone step in and decide for you unless you let them? How does someone make someone quit a job? You did it, and now you want them to take responsibility for your actions. You need to start taking responsibility for your actions. I agree your boyfriend is controlling, but it's up to you if you let him control you or not. That goes back to taking responsibility......if he's in control of you, you don't have to take any responsibility. You need to become self-sufficient, it will open up many more opportunities for you instead of being under someone thumb.

 
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