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I'm failing her.


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Old 03-21-2007, 10:23 PM   #1
STEVEJW
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Unhappy I'm failing her.

I'm a bit mixed up as to which board I should post on because I'm a total basket case! I am on Endep anti-depressants for migraine but for depression also.
I have serious insecurity issues that manifest themselves in my second marriage and cause real heartache for my wife, who I love more than anything. I really need to sort my issues out or I will lose her for good.
I basically hear something that I don't like and sit and think about it and make up imaginary scenarios (always negative) then finally spit it out at my wife and bring our spirits crashing down. I then feel so, so guilty afterwards and hate myself and hate the effect I have on her and the decline goes down a bit further each time. I think I'm almost if not actually at rock bottom.
If anyone has been in the same or a similar situation and survived it and turned things around I'd appreciate hearing from you.
My wife is too precious and wonderful to be saddened by me.

 
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Old 03-21-2007, 11:09 PM   #2
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Re: I'm failing her.

You are right, you will lose her if you keep on this way. Get it into your head that you are CHOOSING to do this, and you must stop yourself from catastrophising every little thing. Put some other scenario into place. Be upfront with your wife about what is going on with you and I am sure she will support. You sound as if you really want to change and this very good. It will not be easy, but change your self talk. Say "I would have done THIS in the past, but now I am going to do THAT". Some counselling to help you and your wife thru would be handy too, there are some terrific partnership counsellors in Relationship Australia. You can do it! Sera

 
Old 03-22-2007, 05:59 PM   #3
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Re: I'm failing her.

Hi,
What sorts of things go thru your head?
do you know where the insecurities stem from?Maybe you can face the initial problems, which may help in sorting out the ones youve created.
Good luck.
You sound as though you care deeply for her.

 
Old 03-23-2007, 06:07 AM   #4
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Re: I'm failing her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by deepinthought65 View Post
Hi,
What sorts of things go thru your head?
do you know where the insecurities stem from?Maybe you can face the initial problems, which may help in sorting out the ones youve created.
Good luck.
You sound as though you care deeply for her.
I don't know where all this stemmed from. Some of it may have been learnt behaviour because my father was the same towards my mother, mainly after a drinking session and I hated him for it, as I knew it was completely unfounded. (I have never drunk alcohol by the way). I don't understand why I behave that way when I knew he was so wrong. Also, my first wife actually did have an affair and left and I assume that has also had an effect, but it doesn't excuse me treating my 2nd wife's love for me so lightly.
I have a fear of my wife having an interest in or preferring the company of a male other than myself. I obsess about time spent in someone’s company and of her having a good time and wondering if she thinks about that person afterwards and makes an effort to spend time with them again and it just snow balls from there. The stupid thing is that I honestly have never imagined her taking an encounter to a physical level because nothing would shake my belief that she would never do that. This is something that she has re-assured me about time and again.
However, it's almost as hurtful (in my mind) that she would enjoy someone else’s company more than mine. This is such a ridiculous notion but, even though I realise it and deep down, I know and believe it when she says that she is not interested in anyone else in a sexual way and would never do anything to hurt me, yet I still behave so irrationally about any encounters she has with other men.
My biggest nightmare is that any of my imagined scenarios would actually come true. I need constant reassurance in order for me to get over each fear and my wife has to convince me that they are unfounded.
This of course cannot continue. It has damaged our relationship and exhausted my wife and it just isn't worth the guilt that I feel after every outburst. There is so much time and energy wasted on something that has not and will not ever happen.
When things are good between us we are so loving and content but those good memories are being eroded and it really is close to the point of no return.

Last edited by STEVEJW; 03-23-2007 at 06:20 AM. Reason: Corrected spelling mistake.

 
Old 03-23-2007, 06:12 AM   #5
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Re: I'm failing her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraph48 View Post
You are right, you will lose her if you keep on this way. Get it into your head that you are CHOOSING to do this, and you must stop yourself from catastrophising every little thing. Put some other scenario into place. Be upfront with your wife about what is going on with you and I am sure she will support. You sound as if you really want to change and this very good. It will not be easy, but change your self talk. Say "I would have done THIS in the past, but now I am going to do THAT". Some counselling to help you and your wife thru would be handy too, there are some terrific partnership counsellors in Relationship Australia. You can do it! Sera
I know I have to stop these scenarios and think of something else or at least express my feelings of discomfort in a calmer way so that we have a conversation and not a shouting match. I also need to speak up as soon as I hear something I don't like, instead of stewing on it for hours, thereby building up the scenarios.
The medication I've been taking has helped in making me calmer and more tolerant but I need to mend my mentality in a way similar to an addict or someone with OCD. I know what to do so why is it so hard to carry it through?
I have tried counselling before, which has helped me to understand what I'm doing and why it is so damaging and I had advice on things to try but the problems have continued so I have since sought medication to aid my "recovery."

Last edited by STEVEJW; 03-23-2007 at 06:17 AM. Reason: To address the suggestion of counselling.

 
Old 03-23-2007, 06:20 AM   #6
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Re: I'm failing her.

Because you have learnt this behaviour from your father. Even though on a subconscious level you knew his behaviour was wrong, unfortunately some of his behaviour has been learnt.

But having said that, it is great that you reconise your problems, and want to change, thats got to be the first step.

Can you ask your doctor about CBT which would be great for unlearning a learnt behaviour?

 
Old 03-23-2007, 06:29 AM   #7
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Re: I'm failing her.

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Originally Posted by brook65 View Post
Because you have learnt this behaviour from your father. Even though on a subconscious level you knew his behaviour was wrong, unfortunately some of his behaviour has been learnt.

But having said that, it is great that you reconise your problems, and want to change, thats got to be the first step.

Can you ask your doctor about CBT which would be great for unlearning a learnt behaviour?
Thanks for your reply.
I have had CBT recommended by a counsellor and discussed it with my wife and she was rather sceptical. However, I am willing to try anything to eradicate or at least manage my behaviour. I would like to understand why, when I know I'm wrong, I persist with that behaviour. I suppose it's like the alcoholic who wakes up with a hangover and says "never again" and hours later is on the end of a bottle again. Yet this isn't drug or alcohol dependency and I only get and cause pain. There is no pleasure from my behaviour. Is it a mental illness?

 
Old 03-23-2007, 06:37 AM   #8
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Re: I'm failing her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by STEVEJW View Post
Thanks for your reply.
I have had CBT recommended by a counsellor and discussed it with my wife and she was rather sceptical. However, I am willing to try anything to eradicate or at least manage my behaviour. I would like to understand why, when I know I'm wrong, I persist with that behaviour. I suppose it's like the alcoholic who wakes up with a hangover and says "never again" and hours later is on the end of a bottle again. Yet this isn't drug or alcohol dependency and I only get and cause pain. There is no pleasure from my behaviour. Is it a mental illness?


No at the very worst it COULD be a personality disorder. But I do think that CBT would be an excellent route to go, your a great candidate for this type of therapy.

I suffer from OCD, and I can relate to what you say about knowing a behaviour is wrong, but not being able to change it. I guess with me, I know that constantly checking that the stove switchs are turned off, when I KNOW full well that they are off, just can't stop checking, is again a type of behaviour that is WRONG.

Another therapy that may be good for you is 'hypnosis', have you considered that?

 
Old 03-25-2007, 05:16 AM   #9
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Re: I'm failing her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by brook65 View Post
No at the very worst it COULD be a personality disorder. But I do think that CBT would be an excellent route to go, your a great candidate for this type of therapy.

I suffer from OCD, and I can relate to what you say about knowing a behaviour is wrong, but not being able to change it. I guess with me, I know that constantly checking that the stove switchs are turned off, when I KNOW full well that they are off, just can't stop checking, is again a type of behaviour that is WRONG.

Another therapy that may be good for you is 'hypnosis', have you considered that?
I think it is a personalty disorder and I'm willing to try CBT. It can't do any harm and if it aids my management of this condition then I'm happy to investigate further. My wife is my world and I owe it to her to beat these demons. I want to look forward to waking up every day and being thankful that I wake next to my wife. I don't want to be waking up alone.

 
Old 03-25-2007, 12:16 PM   #10
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Re: I'm failing her.

Steve the positive thing here is that you recognise a problem in the contradicting way you relate to her.

The very fact that you want to change for her, says an awlful lot about your REAL character, it is just that at the moment you are basically carrying some of your dads baggage. (if you know what I mean)

CBT is great for teaching you to change the habit of thinking in a particular way.

really good luck, and I hope she is aware of just how much effort you are prepared to make, to make your relationship work in the long term.

Good luck

 
Old 03-27-2007, 06:56 AM   #11
STEVEJW
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Re: I'm failing her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by brook65 View Post
Steve the positive thing here is that you recognise a problem in the contradicting way you relate to her.

The very fact that you want to change for her, says an awlful lot about your REAL character, it is just that at the moment you are basically carrying some of your dads baggage. (if you know what I mean)

CBT is great for teaching you to change the habit of thinking in a particular way.

really good luck, and I hope she is aware of just how much effort you are prepared to make, to make your relationship work in the long term.

Good luck
Thanks Brook,
I am going to look into trying CBT and my wife agrees it is well worth a try. I so much want to break this negative thinking and attitude. I don't want to carry on holding onto my baggage, I want my hands to be free to embrace my wife and I'm determined to do it.

 
Old 03-27-2007, 12:39 PM   #12
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Re: I'm failing her.

and with that attitude - you will change, cause you want to.

really good luck, and let us know how it goes

 
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