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what happened so fast?

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Old 03-22-2007, 11:20 AM   #1
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what happened so fast?

I’ve been dating a guy for 3 months now and things have just hit an ultimate low. Im shocked that they can be happening this early in a relationship, but we havent exactly had an easy relationship from the start. We work together, we don’t work TOGETHER but we see each other every day, give or take. If we don’t see each other, we send text messages all day there is a lot of contact even when we aren’t in-person together.
Basically, as of a few weeks ago, he came to me and stated that he was unhappy with the things were going, that he felt he was taking me for granted and that he wanted things to improve and he really wanted to be closer to me. I was floored, because for one, he initiated the conversation, plea and apology all on his own. Secondly, I just could tell that he really cared about me and really wanted things to work out. The difference with him and any other guy I’ve dated is that he is very real, pure, and doesn’t try to ‘impress’ or hide his true colors until 6 months down the line...he puts it all out there. Which can be good and bad. Anyway, after that conversation I was a little bit stand-offish and wanted him to really prove it to me that he cared..and he did. He was amazing. We even planned a trip together that we had been talking about.
Well that lasted for a few weeks. He was a dream...up until recently. This guy is pretty unhappy living here (he moved in the fall) and I can tell he is just going through a lot of family issues and things that affect his mood. He can’t sleep at night, he hates his job, etc. etc. He is also a very moody person in general and tends to shut down when hes upset...and I am the opposite. As of late, three days ago to be exact, he just kind of stopped speaking to me. He had a lot going on at work, which I knew about...but to me, its just not OK, especially if you’re my ‘boyfriend’ which he said he wanted to be a few weeks ago. He hasn’t called me in the last 3 days, and instead sends me meaningless text messages before bed like “good night...un beso (a kiss)”. If I ask him what is going on with him, I get something really stupid back “Oh...things”.
So the kicker was when I saw him on our way to work and he barely spoke to me. He didn’t act mad or I didnt do anything. He was just basically like a brick wall. I couldnt get much out of him. So I get frustrated over this, naturally. The thing is, I just dont feel like he is my boyfriend when he acts this way- because, to me, a boyfriend would let you know and lean on you if there was a problem. He barely speaks, nor smiles, nor acts excited to see me.
The other thing is that he is constantly ignoring my needs (and this of course is my opinion) because of his sleeping problems. If I want to stay up an extra hour to watch a movie, “he has sleeping problems and don’t I know that?” If I want to talk and say so, he ignores that and responds “can you just tell me good night?”
Now, the most infuriating thing about this is when I try to express how angry this makes me, he tells me that I am not understanding of him and not supportive. I’m sorry, but I can’t be supportive when Im not getting my needs met. Maybe this makes me selfish or too demanding, but I feel resentful almost. Like, if he acted consistently toward me and made me feel like I was important in his life, then maybe I would be more eager to try and please him and make him feel attended to. But i dont. Instead I am so appalled by his behavior that I just turn off completely and get agitated. So for the past 3 days, this has just escalated to the point where I wrote everything down and gave it to him, and I just received a text message saying “I strongly disagree”.
I don’t know what to do her, but Ive started second-guessing myself and wondering if I really am out of line. I can’t help the way I feel and believe I have a pretty good argument, but he seems to think that I am just not undrestanding and we have a lack of communication. He admits he has issues that affect his behavior, that he shuts down, and that he pushes my buttons instead of dealing with things maturely. Not to mention he is a LOT older than me.
At the same time, when things are good with us, they are SO good. I was really looking forward to this trip, as of 3 days ago. Now Im second-guessing everything about us and Im wondering how things can change so drastically.

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Old 03-22-2007, 12:32 PM   #2
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Re: what happened so fast?

What I don't understand is how can he expect you to be supportive of him if he can't even talk to you and let you know what's going on? Does he expect you to sit back and just deal until he decides he's going to speak to you again? None of what he is doing makes any sense to me. I'm not sure he's capable of being in a relationship. He tells you things you want to hear and then doesn't speak to you at all. Very bizzare!

In my opinion, you've only been together a short time and you don't have too much invested yet. Maybe it's a good idea to move on and find a guy who gives you what you need. Sticking with him sounds like more of the same.

Old 03-22-2007, 07:44 PM   #3
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Re: what happened so fast?

Clearly there is one important person in this relationship, and I am afraid you are not it. He will give you a good dose of "love" to tide you over, til you get too assertive again. Keep you sort of happy to meet his needs when he needs them met. You are not good enough to share the "serious" stuff like his job issues, mind you, but OK for comforts. Sounds like a job for Doormat-Woman, not you. Cheers, Sera

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