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Needing a reality check (really long) Help!

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Old 03-27-2007, 08:04 PM   #1
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Exclamation Needing a reality check (really long) Help!

Hey there. I'm posting this because right now I'm somewhat frustrated with the way my relationship with my ex has been going. It's gotten to the point where I'm fighting a bout of depression. I thought I would vent, and maybe get some insight. I just don't know what to do anymore, and I feel I'm too involved in the situation to make sense of it clearly on my own. This is really really long, please bear with me.

I started dating my ex (lets call him "j") shortly before christmas. We met at my brothers, and they are pretty close. Like family. I had just gotten my heart broken a few months prior to meeting "j", had recently fully recovered from it, and felt I was at a good place being single and doing what I wanted. He approached me sweetly, and I actually found myself liking him. I warned him that I wasn't sure if I could do anything serious because I didn't have much experience in the area, I was an extremely independent person, I was at college about 5 hrs away, I had trouble trusting men, and that I was abstainant.

He took everything in stride and was wonderful. He talked about his past relationship problems (including making the huge mistake of getting married fresh out of hs), and that he understood where I was coming from. He just wanted to be with me, he said he would help me with the relationship thing, that he didn't care if I was abstainant that it was fine with him, and that he wasn't like other guys. His dad had cheated on his mom, and he knew how he wanted a relationship.

It took him about a week or two to convince me to finally start dating him. We jumped into a serious relationship pretty fast. It was good the first month, he was very attentive and loving, and never ever pushed me to have sex. It was a little difficult because it was long distance and he hated talking on the phone (and me an avid phone person). About a month into the relationship, around mid january, I decided to break my abstainance rule and started sleeping with him. I thought things were ok, if not overly stressful cause we never talked unless I was in town, and never about serious stuff. But I thought that was just because he was a introverted person and I didnt want to push.

I have to say that I felt a really strong connection with him. And this is in part to the sex thing. Before him, I had suffered from a dysfunction where I could not become remotely intimate with a guy (read - even just thinking intensely about them) without becoming very nauseous, or physically ill. When I had lost my viriginity I was sick and vommitting for 3 days afterwards. It hadnt gotten any better afterwards. With 'j', it was one of the only times I had ever felt something and not felt sick. I felt it was a sign, and I embraced it because I thought if nothing else I could learn how to be intimate with someone for my own health. But because of this, and the way he made me feel I fell in love with him, even in my opinion, very quickly.

He broke up with me after some very long and argumentative talks about what we were doing in the middle of Febuary. This was after he would go almost a week without talking to me unless I called first, and completely ignoring valentines day. we broke up two days after vday, which I completely saw coming, but hurt me much more than I possibly thought it could, and ended up with me crying on him as we broke up, but decided to 'remain friends'.

Three weeks later, I was with him when he found out another ex of his was pregnant, and said it was his. He said it was his gf from about a month and a half ago, which at the time, had been when we were dating. I pointed this out to him, and he hemmed and hawed and said he hadnt cheated on me, but couldnt 'remember' when he had slept with his other ex. I figured he was lying, and after another week of talking with him and his friends about the situation, he didnt bother to deny it anymore.

I tried to be supportive, realizing he was going through some serious stress now with the baby on the way. I helped him with money and never even really got angry. I told myself it was logical to happen since the relationship had been long distance between us. I also have one or two friends who have cheated in the past and had learned from their mistakes, and were really wondeful people in very loving relationships with those same partners. But inside I was really hurt because I was still in love with 'j' and now I knew he had been cheating on me for certain. He fights with the babys mom alot, apparently because she is immature and stupid about the situation, he wants full custody if its his when its born, so I try and calm him down alot. But part of me is still mad that he never even apologized for cheating on me! And I've been there for him the whole time without even throwing a fit.

A mutual friend of ours leaked that I was 'in' or 'still in' love with 'j' to him. And he confronted me about it. We talked and I said I was trying to get over him as fast as I could, and he said that was good. The next day we hung out and somehow we ended up getting together and him talking about how he had really actually wanted to date me again. That ended up sticky. I told him I wouldn't mind trying again (because again, I'm just really stupid when it comes to him and being in love with him), but we would have to both work at it. Then he said he wanted to be friends first (which I understood also, because we hadnt really been before we started dating the first time), and work our way back to the relationship. We ended up sleeping together a few times after that. But now he barely touches me, and tells me that he can't have a serious relationship until the baby is born and he finds out if its his. To this, I have no idea what to say. While I want to understand his situation and timing, I can't help but wonder if he's just stringing me because he really doesnt have much feelings for me left, and he knows im in love with him. Or if I really should be patient due to the circumstances and see what happens months down the road. I don't know if I'm even patient enough for that though. And the whole things has me stressed enough to the point I have trouble concentrating on the things I have to get done, and I always feel like crying nowadays.

If anyone would like to slap me with some reality, please feel free to do so. Or tell me I'm not completely insane. Something. Anyone??

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Old 03-27-2007, 08:25 PM   #2
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Re: Needing a reality check (really long) Help!

What does this man have to do to you before you stop going back and saying "hit me again, go on". Heavens, girl, get out of this mess NOW. I can see where the sex thing has got you in, with not feeling sick and all, but that only proves that you CAN overcome this problem. Not that he is the only man you can ver do it with. Dredge up your pride and tell him to get lost. He is already trying to weasel out of his responsibility to the other lady. That should tell you a bit about him.

Old 03-28-2007, 01:15 AM   #3
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Re: Needing a reality check (really long) Help!

You need to drop contact with him and tell him to stop calling you. He obviously lacks maturity and responsibility and i doubt even he knows what he wants, whereas you do.

I am aware that when emotions get involved you tend to think with your heart and not your head. It happens to the best of us and more so b/c we are female i believe. It must be something to do with our hormones.

Right now it likely feels as though he is the one for you, but i feel he was only right for you for the short term as you have now found out that it is possible to have a sexual relationship without the side effects you used to suffer from before. Now you don't have to fear forming new relationships and you can simply put this one down as a learning experience.

None of us know what a new partner will be like until we've dated them so don't be too harsh on yourself over this guy. What you dont want to do is keep 'trying' to make it work. It either works or it doesn't and this one doesn't. It will be hard, but occupy yourself with other things and in time it will be a memory. Speak to most females and pretty much all of us will have at least one horror story to speak of when it comes to relationships. Take care and all the best

Old 03-28-2007, 09:56 AM   #4
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Re: Needing a reality check (really long) Help! found out that he cheated on you, and then you figure your role should be to try and be as supportive as possible and even help him out with money matters? Girl, you could drive a Buick through the logic holes in that one.

Are you seriously, seriously thinking about waiting around until after this baby is born just to see if J decides he wants to get back together with you? This guy does not care about you. Sorry, no. He encourages you to get over him, and then has no problem sleeping with you? Yeah...that's...typical. Hon, you had better run, don't walk, away from this whole crazy mess before YOU end up pregnant yourself.

You were saying how good you were doing being independent before you stumbled upon this guy, and it's high time you went back to that state and got your life back. Really, stop wasting your time following a path that leads over a cliff.
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Old 03-28-2007, 09:21 PM   #5
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Re: Needing a reality check (really long) Help!

i dont know how you have be able to behave yourself. props to you. im not meaning like, you should throw a fit, but being able to not rub it in his face for cheating, like many other females would do. the fact that he hasnt apologized is just wrong.

id say dont waste your time anymore. seraph is right..just because you havent felt sick with this guy, doesnt mean another guy wont help you overcome whatever is wrong with you.

i always found it easier when the guy was mean, because it would push me away. like id crawled into my own corner and completely detatched myself. but thats what was needed anyway. you deserve better. i dont believe he didnt even apologize! you can really control yourself. i wish i could...but sometimes its good just yelling. idk. im weird. anyway..i really think you should give him the boot. you deserve somebody that loves you...for a relationship to work, both people have to want it.

do you think he wants it?

Old 03-28-2007, 10:13 PM   #6
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Re: Needing a reality check (really long) Help!

I can say everything that has been said on this thread makes alot of sense to me. Believe me, I'm a very logical person. Its just in this case that my feelings had really been doing a number on me. Do I think he wants a relationship? He says he does. This implies that we will be friends first though and work our way back to where we were. Am I upset that he cheated? Yes of course I am. But I have always been of the mindset that if people make mistakes in life, they learn from them. I think the baby would be more than enough of a reprecussion for him to realize it. I also know that we are very young, and being tied down to someone at this age in particular is extremely hard. I'm not condoning what he did by any means, but that is one way I looked at the situation. Just to try and explain myself.

That aside, yes, I realize this guy is bad news for me and I need to get back to my own life. I'll be taking his number out of my phone, and go on my way. Thank you to everyone that posted!!!! I needed it, and I appreciate the input!!!

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