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    Old 03-30-2007, 05:53 AM   #1
    Laylah
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    Another wedding ring question..

    I'm not exactly halfway up the aisle, but I do intend to marry my bf sometime in the next few years and I'd be interested to hear male and female perspectives on this:

    He got married to the mother of his kids a long time ago (he was 20 at the time, he's nearly 39 now) and when he got married he wore his late fathers wedding band. The marriage didnít even make it to the first anniversary - they split after nine months!

    They didnít divorce as there was no divorce in Ireland at the time, only legal separation and annulment. Annulment was very difficult to get in Ireland at that time; for anyone unfamiliar with the term, it's basically legal recognition that the marriage was never valid in the first place. Anyway, my bf applied for annulment and he got it, so legally they were never actually married. He wears his fatherís wedding band to this day, on his right hand.

    Anyway, here's the question: If and when we marry, I am wondering what to do about this ring of his. I think it'd be a lovely gesture to tell him I didnít mind if he wore his fathers ring, and part of me really wouldnít because I associate it much more with his father than with his 'marriage'. But also there's the feeling that I wouldnít want him marrying me with a ring that had any association with another woman.

    I know he wears the ring in memory of his late dad, so is it selfish of me to associate it with her even to the small degree that I do? When the time comes, should I tell him I donít mind if he wears it? Or will it always niggle at me that Iím not the first woman he put that ring on his wedding finger for?

    I'm just curious to know how women would feel in my situation about this ring and how men would feel in my bf's:

    - Would women overlook that aspect of the history of the ring?

    - And would men appreciate that aspect of it's history being overlooked?

     
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    Old 03-30-2007, 06:03 AM   #2
    prairie_dawn
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    Re: Another wedding ring question..

    I think you are a very big woman to realize that that ring had nothing to do with his 1st wife. From your post I have to assume that he is a good Catholic man that mad a mistake and asked the church to forgive him and they did. That ring is a memory of his father and might one day be passed on to a male child. What an honor. Personally I would be an honoured Catholic woman if my husband kept his dads ring. What a great man his dad must have been for raising such a fine man. I wouldnt care if he had already worn it, actually i'd be releaved because she didnt pick it out. Husband chose it not her. and he has kept it ever since. I hope my son feels that way about my husband when he gets older. Hugs to you and prayers that your marriage lasts forever and you have many children. I thikn either way you feel you should speak to him about it. You never know, he might be stressing out himself thinking you wont want him to wear it and well that might releive him to know that you would be fine with it.

     
    Old 03-30-2007, 06:10 AM   #3
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    Re: Another wedding ring question..

    I completely agree with Mama above me.

    But I do see your point, Laylah. All of this story is very, very heart-warming until I get the visual of another woman putting that ring on his finger at their wedding.

    I, too, think you should talk to your BF when the time comes. There are many, many special things your BF can do with his father's ring, continue to wear it on his right hand or keep it on his body, keep it in the family and pass it along to a son or nephew when their time comes. If that visual of the previous wedding gets to you, that is.

    Last edited by StenoLady1; 03-30-2007 at 06:11 AM.

     
    Old 03-30-2007, 06:48 AM   #4
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    Re: Another wedding ring question..

    This was nineteen years ago. Let it go. It's just a ring. Any associations made with it will be made by your own mind. Be happy that you've found someone to be with and leave it at that. Trying to tell him what he can do with his deceased father's ring is a bit much, no?

    When all is said and done, it's a piece of metal jewelry. Decide what you want it to mean and that's what it means. His kids are walking, breathing reminders of his 'association' with another woman, a ring is not.

     
    Old 03-30-2007, 06:48 AM   #5
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    Re: Another wedding ring question..

    I say let him wear the ring. It would be different if the ring was given to him by the ex, but since it was his dad's, I say OK.
    I would sit down and talk to him about it. Maybe he would like to be able to continue to wear his dad's ring on his right hand, and wear a new one (for you) on his left. I know that's what my husband would like.

     
    Old 03-30-2007, 06:50 AM   #6
    Laylah
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    Re: Another wedding ring question..

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by StenoLady1 View Post
    I completely agree with Mama above me.

    But I do see your point, Laylah. All of this story is very, very heart-warming until I get the visual of another woman putting that ring on his finger at their wedding.

    I, too, think you should talk to your BF when the time comes. There are many, many special things your BF can do with his father's ring, continue to wear it on his right hand or keep it on his body, keep it in the family and pass it along to a son or nephew when their time comes. If that visual of the previous wedding gets to you, that is.
    Thanks so much Stenolady. Your post has made one practical point hit me that hadnt occured to me before now: If he does marry me with another ring, who's ring will be passed on to any kids we may have???!!! I'm sure he'd want his dads ring passed on, and I fully understand that, but of course that'd put our ring in a position of 'inferiority'.

    Yes, it does bother me, the thought of her putting that ring on his finger. Also it bothers me that he referrs to her as his "ex-wife". I've had to point out to him a couple of times that since they had the marraige anulled there was no marraige, therefore there was no wife!!! I would accept being referred to as the second wife, if that's what I actually was!!!

    Also, I dont like the idea of his continuing to wear his dads wedding band on his right hand after we marry, as that'd prompt understandable questions from people who didnt know us very well as to why he was wearing two wedding bands! It would look rather odd. I suppose I could get him to wear it on a chain, but actually I'm coming round to the idea of his marrying me with it. Thanks ladies.

     
    Old 03-30-2007, 06:56 AM   #7
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    Re: Another wedding ring question..

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by bulletproof View Post
    Trying to tell him what he can do with his deceased father's ring is a bit much, no?
    I dont think so, no. I'd expect him to have an opinon if the roles were reversed, and I'd feel obliged to respect it.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by bulletproof View Post
    His kids are walking, breathing reminders of his 'association' with another woman...
    And I'm glad that they are, I'm very fond of them. I'm raising one of them, as it happens.

     
    Old 03-30-2007, 07:00 AM   #8
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    Re: Another wedding ring question..

    I have always found the word "annullment" strange when there are children involved. I certainly understand the circumstance (divorce not an option at the time,,,) But it means the marriage never happened. Does this mean the children were born out of wedlock???? Not that it matters - Just a question.

     
    Old 03-30-2007, 07:01 AM   #9
    Laylah
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    Re: Another wedding ring question..

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by susieq0726 View Post
    I say let him wear the ring. It would be different if the ring was given to him by the ex, but since it was his dad's, I say OK.
    Yes, I think that's the way we'll go.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by susieq0726 View Post
    I would sit down and talk to him about it. Maybe he would like to be able to continue to wear his dad's ring on his right hand, and wear a new one (for you) on his left. I know that's what my husband would like.
    I just get the sense that he'd like to wear his dads ring on his wedding finger when we marry Susie, though we havent discussed it. It obviously means a lot to him, since he's worn it all these years. Thanks for responding.

     
    Old 03-30-2007, 07:08 AM   #10
    Laylah
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    Re: Another wedding ring question..

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by susieq0726 View Post
    I have always found the word "annullment" strange when there are children involved. I certainly understand the circumstance (divorce not an option at the time,,,) But it means the marriage never happened. Does this mean the children were born out of wedlock???? Not that it matters - Just a question.
    Well the first of the two actually was in this case Suzie, but I do know what you mean, it is a little odd! Their annulment was granted on the grounds that they were not in a sufficiently rational state to enter into marriage in the first place. They were very young, he was a bit all over the place emotionally at the time, she was doing hard drugs etc..

    A certificate of annulment was a notoriously difficult piece of paper to procure, because in the absence of divorce it was seen as the only way out in Ireland of those times and the church was very strict about it. It was only granted in a very small number of cases and even then took years to come though. Theirs took seven years.

     
    Old 03-30-2007, 08:16 AM   #11
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    Re: Another wedding ring question..

    Hmm interesting situation. Personally, despite the 'logic' of it all, I can understand the notion of being a little confused and put off by the whole thing. I think I would be, we are human after all and when it comes to marriage we always have these views of what we expect and what we feel it should be - and that includes the symbols of that marriage (ie: the rings!). Alas, nothing ever seems easy any more right?

    Wouldn't it be a hoot if you guys did discuss this down the road when it's marriage time and he says he actually really wants a new ring with you? ^__^

    Anyway... not too much helpful advice to add, I just can completely get where you're coming from.

     
    Old 03-30-2007, 08:19 AM   #12
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    Re: Another wedding ring question..

    Well the thing that would bother me is him wearing a wedding ring from a failed "marriage". Isn't that bad luck or something? LOL

    Last edited by Ms_ENV27; 03-30-2007 at 08:21 AM.

     
    Old 03-30-2007, 08:53 AM   #13
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    Re: Another wedding ring question..

    I wouldn't be too bothered if he wore it on his right hand...because not only does it represent his dad, it represents the union of his mother and father...remember that. I would not want this ring to be the wedding ring to represent you and him though...no way!!!!!!!
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    Old 03-30-2007, 09:06 AM   #14
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    Re: Another wedding ring question..

    Hi Lylah good news ...I hope everything goes great for you two guys..

    Let him wear it because doing so will wipe away the memory of his first marriage, and wearing the ring will become associated with the memory of marrying the woman he loves Good luck

    My partner kept the videos of his first marriage (to a Spanish woman, not his poisonous ex, I would have taken care of them in the latter case)but I did not complain because she has moved on and so did he. They are in his dad's loft anyway

    Last edited by Nina000; 03-30-2007 at 09:07 AM.

     
    Old 03-30-2007, 09:11 AM   #15
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    Re: Another wedding ring question..

    Laylah, if he had it so far, than it's obviously dear to him..and if it didnt bother you so far, the reason being that its his dad, you shouldn't let it come between you..

    Worry about yours..guys re not that complicated

     
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