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  • Have I done the right thing?

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    Old 03-31-2007, 01:04 PM   #1
    bells1
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    Have I done the right thing?

    Sorry but this is a lengthy one!

    I have been with my fiancee for 5 years; we met at uni almost 8 years ago. As a partner I always thought I was a pretty cool person to be with - I wasn't possessive, I trusted him implicitly and didn't have any reason to suspect him of anything and felt that he would treat me in the same respect. Towards the end of our 2nd yr together I noticed he was getting a really high frequency of texts on his phone but didn't think much of it. He did, however betray my trust when I found him kissing a girl at my birthday party, the same one he had been texting. I felt devastated but after much discussion about it he admitted it was a stupid drunken mistake and that he didn't know why he did it. I felt heartbroken and didn't know what to do but resolved to make a go of it, after all, I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, why should we throw it all away on a stupid drunken kiss. After 2 yrs together we got engaged and I felt like we were moving in the same direction together.

    Over the following years we went through ups and downs but we were really happy together. There were instances again where he was texting a girl he worked with but we worked through it and he assured me that she was just a good friend. We bought a flat together and moved in after we had been together for about 3 yrs, I got a promotion at work and things were starting to look really positive for the future. We even started talking about a wedding and setting a date in a couple of years' time when we had saved a bit of money.

    In the last yr our physical relationship has taken a turn for the worse. I was exhausted a lot of the time from the pressures of my new job and we were hardly intimate at all. About 8 months ago I found a nude picture of his 'good friend' from work. My heart sank - I felt stupid for having believed that there was anything other than friendship between him and the girl. I confronted him about it and he was in pieces, saying that nothing had happened but that he couldn't possibly expect me to forgive him after he had hurt me in the past. He couldn't belive he'd jeapordised everything we had and he hated himself for what he had done. (The girl from his work had moved away by this time and he had stopped contacting her altogether) I stuck it out with him but have found it really difficult to trust him and move on. I have felt like I've been waiting for something to happen again.

    A couple of weeks ago something did happen again. This time its much worse: I felt that after agreeing to put everything behind us and to move on properly I had to stop being suspicious. But then he started acting funny about his phone (possessive over it, frequent texts etc) and it raised my suspicions. I looked on his email account and found that he had set up a separate account with a reminder of the details, so I logged into it. He has been working away since the beginning of the year, coming home at the weekends and he has been using this other email account to post ads on a website to arrange casual relationships with people while he is away from home, exchanging several emails and pictures with one person in particular. The emails end with an exchange of numbers.

    I confronted him about it last night and he said that nothing has happened and he never intended to go through with anything or meet up with anyone, it was just the thrill of feeling wanted and to think that he could, especially since we haven't been intimate for a while. I feel like he has overstepped the mark and I don't think I can go back now. I am petrified of what we have to lose, we've been through so much together and he's my best friend but I don't want to be with someone who I have to keep watching and wondering about all the time. I don't want to find emails/texts years down the line when we might be married and have children. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I have spent all day crying. He has begged me not to finish it and that he will change but how can I believe him? How can I possibly trust him again?

    I just need to know if I have done the right thing. I'm finding it really difficult to find the strength to finish it when he is crying and begging me not to. It hurts me to see him so upset but then I think about what he has done and I feel angry and betrayed. Any comments/advice would be greatly appreciated.

     
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    Old 03-31-2007, 01:43 PM   #2
    Laylah
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    Re: Have I done the right thing?

    In a word - yes. Honey, you dont strike me as any sort of fool. You sound like a level headed woman who knows her own mind and knows what's right and wrong here. You know you've done the right thing, but the right thing dosent always feel good, at least not in the short term. You have made the right choice here, trust me, or more importantly, trust yourself.

    I also made the same decision you made, in moving on from infidelity, and I did it for the same reasons you did, because I loved him and didnt want to leave the man I loved and the future I wanted for the sake of (a couple, in my case) of stupid drunken mistakes that happened very early on in our relationship. Luckily for me there's never been a repeat of those behaviours, but if there were, I know I'd leave, for the same reasons you now know you must leave, because spending the rest of our forevers being eaten up with suspicion and distrust is just not an option. You and I and every other person on this board only have a certain amount of time allotted to us on this earth, and we none of us know how long that's going to be, or when our number is up. Even if we each and every one of us knew we would live for a hundred years, that's still too short a time to donate a portion of it to spending unhappy, and worse still, spending in a situation where we are not free to meet the person who will make us happy.

    Of course it feels dreadful right now to watch him cry and beg and plead, but he was ready to hurt you, and he did, and he did it for his own selfish pleasure. You are only hurting him now in an effort to protect yourself, which you have a right to do - it's a world away from the reasons he hurt you, so put all guilt right out of your mind; it has no place there.

    I left my ex fiancee in 2002 because he was a raging alcoholic. I had to protect myself there and yes, I felt dreadful at the time. I loved him and sometimes wished he'd been having an affair with a woman rather than the bottle; I just couldnt compete with that, of fight it or overcome it in any way shape or form. You cant get an alcohol addiction by the hair and tell it to stay the **** away from your man!!

    Stay strong here, you are doing the right thing, dont let him talk you round. And if things get bad and you get very low, as you probably will, thatís natural and normal and to be expected, sure just come on here and offload; that's what I do when I'm ready to tear my hair out!

     
    Old 03-31-2007, 01:54 PM   #3
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    Re: Have I done the right thing?

    Absolutely the right thing to do. There are lots of men out there who know how to appreciate a woman, and he will appeciate you only when you slam the door. With him it looks like a pattern, he gets away with it everytime so why not. He is ready to fool about and exchange numbers so that he feels wanted.... It is because of guys like him, there is so much emotional mess. He is away 5 days out of 7? I would say 2 more days won't make a difference to your life except for the best. You are strong and I admire you for it. It's never easy to say goodbye after spending so many years together but it will definitely be well worth it for you. You have a great future and I hope that you have a great guy who deserves you.

     
    Old 03-31-2007, 02:16 PM   #4
    bells1
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    Re: Have I done the right thing?

    Thank you both for your replies. I have felt like my head has been about to explode and my heart is being wrenched apart. It is good to hear that I'm not alone and that I am doing the right thing x

     
    Old 03-31-2007, 02:20 PM   #5
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    Re: Have I done the right thing?

    He doesn't sound stable. I think you are better off apart. I also know that is hard to do. I think we all have to make that decision from time to time. I do think this man sounds weak. I don't think he will change. I'm sorry for you and I wish the best for you.

    I heard someone say one time, that there was something worse than being alone. It is being with the wrong person.

    I think many people don't look too deep into their relationships for fear of finding what you have found. I fear it myself.

     
    Old 03-31-2007, 02:25 PM   #6
    Laylah
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    Re: Have I done the right thing?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by bells1 View Post
    Thank you both for your replies. I have felt like my head has been about to explode and my heart is being wrenched apart. It is good to hear that I'm not alone and that I am doing the right thing x
    You're a long way from alone Bells1. Everywoman goes through what you're going through right now; every woman with sense that is. It's only the fools who stick around waiting for episode four and five and six.

    In time the only thing you'll regret about leaving is that you didnt do it sooner, like when you found that nude photo of his so-called 'friend'. Honestly, that's the way you're head will be thinking a year or two from now, even though it's probably hard to imagine at this time.

     
    Old 03-31-2007, 08:24 PM   #7
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    Re: Have I done the right thing?

    This guy has proved that he will not settle down and get over his sexual addictions. You really are better off out of it.

     
    Old 03-31-2007, 09:04 PM   #8
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    Re: Have I done the right thing?

    Oh man, you should have let him go way back when you found him kissing another girl during YOUR birthday party, of all things! Wow. You just can't overlook things like this. I've done my fair share of cheating and I'm telling you, somebody who does things like this does not really care about you. They don't. Their heart is just not all there. They can claim to change, but really - who cares? The damage is already done. Time to see what's behind door number 2.
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    Old 04-02-2007, 04:39 AM   #9
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    Re: Have I done the right thing?

    You have done the right thing!!! I don't know how you had the heart to forgive him twice before! This isn't just a minor issue. He doesn't seem to want for it to just be the two of you. Frankly if the man doesn't stop to think how it would make you feel when he is doing those things then why should you stop for him when he is crying over wanting a second chance?!

    If you really really really love this guy. Create space between you for a while. Do not see him and very rarely answer his calls and when you do be pleasant but do not give him hope. Make him feel like him loosing you is the worst thing that can happen to him. He will either completely change and prove it to you or just give up and stop trying all together. Either way you will benefit in some way. Keep posting.

     
    Old 04-02-2007, 05:26 AM   #10
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    Re: Have I done the right thing?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by bells1 View Post
    I just need to know if I have done the right thing. I'm finding it really difficult to find the strength to finish it when he is crying and begging me not to. It hurts me to see him so upset but then I think about what he has done and I feel angry and betrayed. Any comments/advice would be greatly appreciated.
    Of course you have done the right thing! When he is crying and begging you not to end it you tell him he did it to himself. How many times are you expected to turn the other cheek? He has proven who he is over and over again. If you stay with him this will be your future. The only difference will be that eventually you will have children involved which will only make it harder.

    He will always say he's sorry and beg for forgiveness. He will always say he will never do it again. He will always say he loves you and blah, blah, blah. But actions speak louder than words.

    You'll get through the break up. Don't answer his calls or emails. He doesn't deserve anything from you! Keep yourself busy with your work and go out with friends. You will come out of this stronger and you won't take any crap the next time around.

     
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