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  • He Was Arrested.. Robbed My Family!

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    Old 04-24-2007, 08:05 PM   #1
    lost630
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    He Was Arrested.. Robbed My Family!

    Well I guess I should start with a little background information. This is going to be very long.. it's a very long story. I'll try to keep it short. Anyway, I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years (we have lived together almost the entire time). Our relationship has NOT been easy. We've been through so much together.. from a miscariage, to horrible fights, to dealing with his drug/alcohol problem, to dealing with MY insecurity issues... my tendancy to be very needy... and all of the other little bumps in relationships. We're young, and sometimes stupid, but it seems like we've come out stronger and even more in love after every issue. Early in the relationship, we would always hit a rough patch.. but instead of letting it fall apart, we would always work everything out. We made it through problems that often end marriages even. We have always been there for eachother, always supported eachother, forgiven eachother for our mistakes in life, and we love eachother so much that nothing has EVER been able to keep us apart. Until now, I'm afraid.

    Two years ago he started associating with the wrong people. He met them through work, and I knew right away they would cause problems. He would go out, drink, and not come home. Then he started doing cocaine. It became a huge problem.. our relationship nearly ended many times because of it. But I never let go. I always fought to help him, to get him clean, and I always tried to understand how powerful this drug is, and exactly what it can make otherwise sane people do. (My father was addicted to cocaine and alcohol as well, and I never turned my back on him for the pain he caused me and my mother either). He always told me that no matter what this drug made him do (like dissapear for a couple days and binge, or pawn his belongings, etc) that he loved me more than anything, and that one day, he hoped with all his heart that everything would be ok. And so I stood by my man. Things did eventually get better, and up until this morning, everything has been very good.

    Two years ago (the same time my boyfriend was going through his addiction) someone broke into my grandfathers home and stole 4 guns. I never suspected that is was my boyfriend. Even during his cocaine days, he never stole from ME, or pawned any of my things. It never even crossed my mind that he could've been responsible. And at the time, my grandfather expected someone else entirely. Nothing ever happened with the case, and I had completely forgotten about it until this last weekend.

    I heard from my other family members that there had been a new development in the case... one of the guns had been found. We were all supposed to find out more today, as an officer was going to talk to my grandfather this morning. I didn't hear anything until about 2pm, when a police officer called me and wanted to know if I was with my boyfriend. I said yes, and they asked to talk to him. I saw his heart break as he was on the phone, and I knew immediately that something was very very wrong. He broke down and told me that he was involved in the robbery. He said he did it to trade the guns for drugs, and that two other people (who I know he used to get the drugs from) were involved too. I've never seen him so upset... he was crying and crying and appologizing... and I just went blank for a while. I didn't say much to him.. I just couldn't find words.

    He turned himself in this evening. He didn't tell me he was turning himself in.. he said he was just going to talk to the police. He was crying when he left, and I let him kiss me and give me a hug. If I knew what he was doing, I would've held him and never let him go. He called me from the station a little while ago and told me that he was placed under arrest and that his bond would probably be as high as $300,000. He's supposed to call me again later with more information.

    My heart is gone. I can't believe that he robbed my family.. I can't believe this is happening to me... I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone (I have been in love before, and it didn't even compare to this). He is my life.. my smiles.. my everything. I've fought so hard to be with this man.. and he's fought equally as hard to be with me. I know most of you probably wont understand this, but I've already forgiven him for what he's done. I know the shape he was in back then.. and I know that he has a good heart, and that he's truely sorry. He said he's come very close to telling me before, but he was always so afriad that he would lose me forever if I found out.

    So my question is this.. to those of you who understand forgiveness... do I stand by him now? What he's done will always hurt. He messed with my family. I was so angry that I punched a hole in my wall! And he's facing jail time. Probably a lot of it. And my family now hates him (they didn't like him already because of past issues causing me to be stressed out a lot). And if I stay with him.. it could be years before I get to hold him again. Or do I move on, and let our past and our life be all for nothing? I can't even imagine being with someone else.. or being without him. I wanted to have kids and a happy life with him.. we were even looking at houses and talking about marriage. He has been clean and sober and we've been so happy. And now this. Please, I would appriate anyone's opinions and views. I've always read other's threads here and on the addiction forum.. a lot of you have really good advice. I just don't know what to do. Or how I'm going to live without him. I was always told to follow my heart.. and my heart says to stay and fight through this too. Is that what I should do????

     
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    Old 04-24-2007, 08:52 PM   #2
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    Re: He Was Arrested.. Robbed My Family!

    You have been through so much with and for this man, and the whole thing has become a tragedy. You have been his rock, his support through everything. After all the problems, it sounds as if he finally grew up and settled down, and then his past raced up and bit him. This is so hard. To stay by him, you will probably lose your family, the rest of your youth, most of your friends. I don't think anyone can advise you in that choice, it will be yours to live with. If it was me I think my choice would be to not choose at all. Support him through it by all means if that is what you need to do, then give yourself healing time, where you look after yourself, heal yourself and become stronger to face whatever may lie ahead. I'm sorry for your pain, Sera

     
    Old 04-24-2007, 10:02 PM   #3
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    Re: He Was Arrested.. Robbed My Family!

    When I was eighteen I was head over heels for this useless but extremely fine guy who tried to steal about eight hundred dollars from my mom. And then afterwards I completely wrote it off and forgave him and continued to see him because, oh god, he was hot. When I think back on it I laugh and laugh and think of how happy I am not to be eighteen any more.

    That's why it's dangerous to feel like we absolutely can't live without somebody. Any of us could survive just fine on our own, except for, well, siamese twins. It would make me sick to my stomach (nowadays at least) if my boyfriend stole from my parents. I could never, ever look at him the same way or respect him again. But if it doesn't bother you that much, then that's your perogative.

    Quote:
    Two years ago he started associating with the wrong people.
    Why would you make excuses for him? If he found himself drawn to the "wrong" people then it was because he was a "wrong" person himself. We are who we surround ourselves with. You kind of sound like a mother who adamantly refuses to believe her child could possibly do any bad. That's a pretty dangerous way to think.
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    Last edited by GypsyArcher; 04-24-2007 at 10:03 PM.

     
    Old 04-24-2007, 10:56 PM   #4
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    Re: He Was Arrested.. Robbed My Family!

    You are the enabler and the co-dependent. This is a classic situation for a person raised in an addictive home. Children of addictive fathers are attracted to addictive relationships. Read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie. I hope things get better for you.

     
    Old 04-25-2007, 04:58 AM   #5
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    Re: He Was Arrested.. Robbed My Family!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by desertdweller View Post
    You are the enabler and the co-dependent. This is a classic situation for a person raised in an addictive home. Children of addictive fathers are attracted to addictive relationships. Read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie. I hope things get better for you.

    I totally agree with desertdweller. You have made excuses for this man and continued to allow this behaviour for a very long time. He should have been treated for his addictions along time ago. Regardless of how much you are in love with him, you didn't help him any by enabling him.
    Now the past has come back to bite him in the butt. Very unfortunate. He will probably go to jail and have to pay some hefty fines. And if he's been in trouble prior, the sentance is going to be even worse.
    The best thing for him is to get a really good lawyer, clean up his act and show the judge how sorry he is. Cross your fingers because it's going to be ugly.
    As for staying with him, why would you want to? I am a forgiving person but unless he gets treatment I wouldn't even consider allowing him back into my life. And you need to show some "tough love". Don't tolerate what he's been doing - Tell him it's you, or the drugs.

     
    Old 04-25-2007, 05:43 AM   #6
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    Re: He Was Arrested.. Robbed My Family!

    I agree with Desert, too. The first man you knew in your life, your guardian, your everything -- your father -- was an addict, hurt you and your family and put you through some tough times. Now as an adult, what sort of man do you go for?

    You need to break the cycle. Read the book she mentioned, get yourself into counseling, whatever it takes to help you break the cycle.

    Yes, you've got a tough decision about whether to stand by your family or your man, but I think your number one priority right now should be sorting yourself out and learning why you would put up with such behavior in the first place. Right from the get-go, your relationship was unhealthy and troubled. Most women would say, "This isn't for me. I've just met this man. We're fighting, he's in with the wrong crowd, making poor choices, doing drugs. No thanks. I'll put this fish back in the sea and throw my line back out."

    You didn't do that. And you need to learn and understand why you didn't do that so that you don't fall into this mess again, whether it's with your current BF or someone else in the future. And not only for yourself; for your future kids, too. We learn from our moms and dads what to expect in life. Your current situation is a perfect example of that.

     
    Old 04-25-2007, 07:25 AM   #7
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    Re: He Was Arrested.. Robbed My Family!

    i can ALMOST understand the forgiveness thing-i really can. but the only thing that made me sick to my stomach while reading the post was that he took the guns to trade for drugs...so guess where the guns went? Most likely to gangs/delinquents who used them to KILL other people. can the police tell you if the guns have been involved in any known crimes in the past two years?

    i think (especially) that the virginia tech massacre is proof gun control is very much needed in america and people who perpetuate the black market gun scene (like your boyfriend) are a part of a bigger picture of people being murdered. i don't think i could look at someone the same just for that fact alone. no respect for someone else's life-just wanting to feed their high.

    i read an article an italian journalist wrote in his column about shootings in america-and he said "who cares? a shooting in america is, for them, just like apple pie".
    shootings have become so maintstream, nobody blinks an eye anymore unless its a massacre. and still the american government is undecided on what to do about gun control.

    i'm not meaning to go off topic here at all-i just think a little perspective about the whole picture and what your bf's actions really mean in the grander scheme of things-forget he stole from your family, he didn't steal much and he didn't physically hurt them, and it was 2 years ago when he was high-but he likely helped murder someone else by providing guns. I don't think i could look at him the same way.

    and i agree with gypsy who said it was not the wrong people who influenced him, he choose to hang out with them and live their lifestyle.

    Last edited by jo5086; 04-25-2007 at 07:27 AM.

     
    Old 04-25-2007, 08:10 AM   #8
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    Re: He Was Arrested.. Robbed My Family!

    are you kidding me? you really don't know the answer to your question, should you stand by him? I guess you don't, or you wouldn't be asking. To most people the answer would be obvious. NO you don't stand by him.
    Your boyfriend is a loser and you're co-dependent......
    read the book co-dependent no more so you will understand why you are like this. It has to do with your father's addiction and putting your own needs on the back burner to meet his.....
    trust me, you need to get out of this relationship and break this cycle.

     
    Old 04-25-2007, 03:01 PM   #9
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    Re: He Was Arrested.. Robbed My Family!

    Jozi that is sad you see it that way. There is gun control here and those that follow the laws are the ones that suffer. I have several guns in my house all are hunting guns to be honest but a handgun is next on my list. BUt when I go to buy it I will have to go through a lot of paperwork and a waiting period to get it. The ones that use guns in crimes dont go through that system,they steal them or buy the illegally. Tougher gun control laws arent going to change that.
    Also not all Americans ignore shootings. They are on the news every night and they are sad and many of us Americans feel for the families that are have to deal with life after that.

    As for the OP I do agree I couldnt look at him the same ever again. I couldnt love him the same again. The shattered trust in the relationship and then took great pains to hide it even after he was clean. If you do stay with him chances are very likely your family will make you chose them or him. Not a place you want to be in I'm sure. It is a sad situation but it is one you can learn from. Read the book that has been suggested and do a lot of soul searching. Take some time for yourself. But most of all end your romantic relationship with the man and if you need to support him do so as a friend.
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    Old 04-25-2007, 04:55 PM   #10
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    Re: He Was Arrested.. Robbed My Family!

    Thank you all for your replies.. but I think some of you have the wrong idea. My boyfriend was not a drug addict when I met him, and he's not a drug addict now. This was a phase he went through about 2 years ago (1 year into our relationship). I learned from my father to stay away from drug addicts. I saw the pain he caused my mother, and I would've never gotten into a relationship where that was an issue to begin with. I fell in love with this man long before it was ever a problem.

    We worked through that. It took some time and caused some pain... but it was worth it. Too many people encounter problems like these and simply give up. They're either too lazy, too selfish, or too stubborn to work through the problem. As for the other issues we've worked though.. they were problems many relationships encounter. Our relationship has been HEALTHY... we know how to communicate and how to work on our own problems to help better the relationship. We remember that we're only human.. and humans make mistakes. If there was anything unhealthy about the relationship, I would've left it. The bond and the love we have between eachother is very strong. After three years, the spark is still very much there. We haven't grown bitter toward eachother, we haven't let our sex life get dull... we've BOTH worked very hard for the love we have.

    He's not a bad guy. He's actually one of the kindest, sweetest men I've ever met. He made a couple of mistakes. Like everyone does. It's wrong for me to forgive him? I don't think so. If he treated me like crap or abused me or used me.. well lets just say the relationship would've never made it this far. I'm not weak.. I'm definitely not "co-dependant". Please don't label me that.. I don't appreciate it. I have my own life.. my own goals.. and if it came down to it, I would be fine on my own. I know the limits, and what caring too much is (if this robbery was recent or during a time when he was not influenced by drugs, my feelings would be completely different). I don't need a man to be stable. I just actually WORK for a good relationship. I know a good thing when I see it. What we have is a GREAT thing. And I have God and forgiveness in my heart. My family has said that they forgive him too, and that they understand if I choose to stay with him. So why should I give up a great love that both him and I have worked so hard for?

     
    Old 04-25-2007, 05:30 PM   #11
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    Re: He Was Arrested.. Robbed My Family!

    I am pleased for your own sake that your family is now supporting you and your BF. I think it sounds as if he came through all his stuff and had grown with you and, although I DO NOT condone his past crime, he will be paying for it under the law. Your relationship is not really part of that payment. I still feel that you need to really nurture yourself, because this whole thing can be so painful, and you must not use up all your caring on the BF, keep some for yourself. Take care, Sera

     
    Old 04-25-2007, 09:29 PM   #12
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    Re: He Was Arrested.. Robbed My Family!

    Thank you Sera. I know he made a horrible decision. He's very very lucky that no one was hurt with the guns.. and I know that is a HUGE concern. It turns out that he dumped them in a pond a few towns away. I spoke with him again and he says that he hates himself for this (he's aware that someone could've gotten hurt or killed, and says that's why he dumped the guns), and that he signed his confession and everything. He didn't even ask me to stay with him.. he simply told me to do what I need to do. And he said that he loves me and hopes that I believe that, and he hopes one day I can forgive him. He called my aunt (the only family member's phone number he knew by heart) and appologized to her and asked her to pass that along to my grandfather. But anyway, all I told him was that I love him, and that I'll think about visiting him in a week or two once I've had some time to relax and think things through.

    I will definitely take care of myself. I'm starting a new job soon and I'm really looking forward to it. I have a current project that is coming along nicely, and I'm planning on visiting my friend in New York this summer sometime. It really helps to have things to look forward to.

    I don't feel so hurt today, more angry. I still don't know if I can wait for him, all the while having this on my conscience. He could go to jail for up to 1 year and 5 months, depending on what the judge decides. I love him and I would never cheat on him.. but what if my feelings for him change? I wonder if it's anything like having a significant other in the military, when he/she goes away for a year or two at a time. I just don't know. I guess time will tell?

    Last edited by lost630; 04-25-2007 at 09:31 PM.

     
    Old 04-25-2007, 09:43 PM   #13
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    Re: He Was Arrested.. Robbed My Family!

    No matter where they are going,the thought of a long separation is painful. Anyway, you never know, perhaps a lesser sentence than you fear? He is doing the right thing now, that may help his case.

     
    Old 04-25-2007, 10:33 PM   #14
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    Re: He Was Arrested.. Robbed My Family!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lost630 View Post
    He's very very lucky that no one was hurt with the guns.. and I know that is a HUGE concern. It turns out that he dumped them in a pond a few towns away. I spoke with him again and he says that he hates himself for this (he's aware that someone could've gotten hurt or killed, and says that's why he dumped the guns),
    If he dumped the guns, how did one end up at the pawn shop? How do you know that one of them hasn't been used to hurt someone?

     
    Old 04-25-2007, 10:54 PM   #15
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    Re: He Was Arrested.. Robbed My Family!

    Well I can speak from the point of being apart from my dh. He is in the air force and left March 5th and wont be back until end of March to mid April of 2008. For me I dont see the two being alike or having anything in commom since one if for comminting a crime while the other is serving our country.
    Granted my DH didnt want to go to Korea for a year but its his job so he went. Granted if he didnt have retainability he could have turned down the orders and gotten out of the military. Your bf cant turn down the judgement once he is sentenced.
    Also if you want you can go visit him every weekend or such depending on their visiting schedule. I cant visit my DH. He might be able to come home for his midtour if we can afford his airline ticket.
    I can miss my dh but I can be proud that he is doing his job and serving our country. I dont think you could say the same..not saying that to be mean just trying to make a point.

    It wont be easy to be apart like that I can tell you that. Especially if you are use to being around him alot. If you stick by him you are going to be crying alot while he is gone. Even the mundane things that you dont notice on a day to day basis will take on a whole new look. Like in the early am of the 25th it was raining here. I woke up and listened to it and cried because I couldnt stop thinking about how the sound of rain helps my dh sleep better. Or say your favorite place to sit with him will feel so empty. It will be the little things that willhurt the most. You might have to struggle through some pretty resentful and painful thoughts too.
    It wont be easy and considering all you have already been through for this relationship this might wind up being the straw that broke the camel's back. Not saying it will be but you dont know how you will feel as time goes by for this.
    I wish you the best and hope things turn out ok.
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