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    Old 04-29-2007, 04:43 PM   #1
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    Help, my 15 yr old daughter is having sex and sneaking out of the house

    3 months ago, my daughter was heartbroken over a boy that she had only been seeing for less than a month. He had already cheated on her twice. After days of her crying I decided it was time that they just break it off. I am a good mother and having been there in her position with her father, of course I was older at the time but no one wants to see their child make a bad choice and although you cant run their lives you want them to see that things dont have to be that way. I then found out that after I had had said no more to this, the mother of the young man started going and picking my daughter up after school and taking her back to their house and actually promoting this behavior from them. They then started having sex. The boy is a 16 yr old drop out from high school, which his parents condone, he smokes ciggerettes and marajuana and no telling what else he is doing. He is totally opposite from my daughter. She has now started sneaking out of my home in the middle of the night and walking by herself about a mile or more to his house. I am terrified that she is going to get picked up by someone and raped or killed or both. I do not know how to make her understand that this is not the behavior of a 14 yr old child. They have lied about so many things from the age of the boy to the way that their family lives. We are god fearing church going people who try to teach our children the right things to do and since these people have come into our lives my daughter has done a 180. She no longer talks to me or her sisters. She acts like she hates us all. When it comes to his family though, she shows so much emotion and cries and worries about them. Ya know she has a 6 yr old sister and an 11 year old sister a 10 yr old brother who all love her so much and until 3 months ago, she loved us all too. How can I make her see that her family is the ones she should be worried about hurting. I hope and pra that some counseling is gonna be what it takes to pull her out of this before its too late. Some people may think I am a controlling mom, but until 5 years ago I was a single mom for 10 and have worked very hard to keep an honest and open relationship with my children and they have always come to me to talk about anything. Why does it all change for the likes of a boy who is from a turmoiled family of trouble and fighting. His father is very abusive and it runs in circles, abuse does...... Any advise???? I am at the point where I do not know what to do and having nightly harrasing phone calls from the mother asking me if I feel real good about this because her son wants to kill himself??? this does not help matters.............

    Last edited by Angeee123; 04-29-2007 at 04:47 PM. Reason: mixed up words

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    Old 04-29-2007, 05:00 PM   #2
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    Re: Help, my 15 yr old daughter is having sex and sneaking out of the house

    Hi Angee,

    I will give you advice from the perspective of a high school teacher.

    Althoug your daughter's behavior disgusts you, please realize that you are not the only one in this situation. 14-15 year old girls act out their indepence in bizarre ways. I recommend that you do the following:

    1) If you daughter is sneaking out at night, you must stay up all night. This is drastic, and since you have other children it might seem impossible, but to save your daughter you must stop her from leaving the house.

    Maybe keep the TV and lights on to let her know you will be there is talk or to keep her from making bad choices. Tell her upfront that you know she is sneaking out, that she is intentionally making bad choices and that you will be there to stop her, so you'll make the sacrifice.

    2) You must call the police on the boy's mother. She is not your friend, and she is ILLEGALLY picking your daughter up from school. In NJ a child can only be picked up by a chaperone. What she is doing could be seen as child endangerment/kidnapping. Call the police, make a complaint about the parents. Remember, your daughter is a minor so you have rights as a parent.

    The other parents are running the show because you are unintentionally letting them. Be assertive. Their son is also having sex with a minor. I'm not sure if 2 minors engaging in consentual sex is considered rape, but you might want to look into that as well.

    3) Inform the school's guidance councelor. The councelors are of great help and can meet with your daughter privately. Also, inform the school that your daughter is leaving school property with an adult you do not know. They might do something to help you... the school doesn't want to get sued.

    4) Stop receiving phone calls from the parents. Your only job is to help your daughter.

    5) Immediately get professional help for your daughter. Most health insurances cover psychologists. If you do not have insurance, go to a clinic. There should be some kind of service you can find.

    Remember, the boy is not the problem, only a symptom of hte real problem. Your daughter is acting out to get YOUR attention. You must get to the root of the problem by talking to your daughter and getting professional help for her. Even if it means maxing out your credit cards, do it. And remember, a public school is a great resource. Keep calling the guidance councelors or social workers until they answer you.

    And don't give up. I have personally seen students like your daughter make a complete turn around. There is time!

    Old 04-30-2007, 10:36 PM   #3
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    Re: Help, my 15 yr old daughter is having sex and sneaking out of the house

    Good advise!

    Old 05-03-2007, 08:20 AM   #4
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    Re: Help, my 15 yr old daughter is having sex and sneaking out of the house

    The threat of suicide has been used by many guys to keep a girl coming back.

    Old 05-04-2007, 08:55 AM   #5
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    Re: Help, my 15 yr old daughter is having sex and sneaking out of the house

    Hey I just thought that you would want some perspective from a high school guy on this so here it goes.

    I am 17 years only and unfortunatley I am not a virgin and and have been fighting the battle against lust so dont get me wrong because I can completely side with you on this.

    The advice above is good advice because it is not only following legal boundries and social boundries it also gives you a windo to be there for your daughter.

    Now then...even though it isnt right to be controling of your children you have to remebre that there is a fine line between controling and guiding someone. On your case I would say that you are just trying to help your daughter in the best way you can and you know that this guy is some kind of bad news. From what you say he does and the way and place that he lives his life I would day that he isnt the most reliable of any kind of person for anything but one thing that you must understand is that he has a hold on your daughter for many reasons.
    1) He is probably the first guy that she has ever had any great amont of fealings for.

    2) noot meaning to pry but she probably lost her virginity to him , which to her means that "He will be her one and only."

    Unfortunatley that often isnt the same in the guys mind.

    3) she is probably highly infatuated with him and is afraid to move on because she thinks that she could never do any better. ( Which is commong of most guys that would sink low eneough to use threatened suicide to keep a girl around.)

    Remind her that she is only 14 , and I know that I really am in no place to be harping on kids that have had sex too early, but you have to make her see the difference in love and infatuation because she will be caught up in this and it could ruin her life.

    I have had friends that have been in similar situations and I know how hard it can be for them to open up to thier parents because they become so focused on that one person that they lose perspective on everything else. And sadly some guys use that to keep girls around because they know that if they keep them down then they can keep control over them.

    You are going to have to take charge and from what you are telling me, whether it be true or not true, you seem like a parent that has a good view of things.

    Your not a bad parent for trying to help your daughter...and you are not in any means controling.

    Old 05-04-2007, 09:42 AM   #6
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    Re: Help, my 15 yr old daughter is having sex and sneaking out of the house

    You say you were a single mother until 5 years ago. Does it mean that you have a partner and your kids have a stepfather now? I am just wondering if your girl's disruptive behaviour could have something to do with this change in your life.

    Yes, you must do something, not only on her behalf, but also on behalf of her siblings. They must not stop looking up to you.

    I know she doesn't talk to you any more, but I suppose there is an ongoing need for more talking between you, because certainly she has things to say. You have to find gentle ways to elicit it from her. Probably you will need a third party as well (someone she likes and respects). This third party will listen to both accounts, hers and yours, and try to find a compromise. Ok, I understand that you don't want your girl in a relationship with this boy, but I am afraid you can't cut it like a Gordian knot, that is, abruptly and violently. Proceed with care. Rather than forbidding this or that, although this is your right, make her aware of the consequences of their doings. She is not so young that she can't understand.

    How do you know they are having sex? Do you have any proof? This is very serious, if it is true. Could you ever bring yourself to talk with the boy's mother, not over the phone, but personally, in a neutral place, and always with a third party? If you can get her as a provisory ally, if you are able to show her the validity of your point, things can become easier. Of course there's emotional blackmail here, but maybe you shouldn't bypass it and make accusations, because often people aren't aware of what they are doing.

    Of course your girl is your priority. I am not saying otherwise, but at the same time you can't be blind to the other things going on around you. It is a complex case and you need a lot of focus and caution.

    In case of doubt, I would seek advice from a Juvenile Judge or Court, maybe even from a counsellor or your priest.

    Good luck.

    Old 05-04-2007, 09:59 AM   #7
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    Re: Help, my 15 yr old daughter is having sex and sneaking out of the house

    Just thought id giv a different perspective on this. I was a well behaved, angelic kid until i was 15. Then I met an older boy, started hanging around with him and also sleeping with him. My mum was worried sick (now i understand that was because she loved me but at the time i wanted to fight against her). She started picking me up from school, and coming to school at lunch times to stop me sneaking out with him. She took my phone away from me and wasnt far from calling the police on him at times. Rather than deter me all this did was make me push her away even more. I lied to her so I could see him and things got really bad at home. The more she tried to restrain me the worse it got. Now I see what a nightmare I was and I regret what i must have put her through. I'm not saying you simply condone this behaviour from her but think twice before you take drastic action. I came to my senses on my own eventually. I think if my mum had tried to understand a bit more and talk to me like an adult about my choice of boyfriend rather than just point blank stopping me seeing him I would have understood where she was coming from a bit more. I'm afraid if she wants to have sex then she will, wouldnt you rather make sure whe was being safe because you wont stop her from doing it. Sorry if this seems a bit blunt but just wanted to put your daughters point of view on the table. xx

    Old 05-04-2007, 10:36 AM   #8
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    Re: Help, my 15 yr old daughter is having sex and sneaking out of the house

    Your daughter is at that God-awful age of 14. I remember it well. She is the oldest and so this is all new to you having not been through it before with another child.
    I remember 14. I remember feeling the beginning of independence from my parent's and the child-like things I used to enjoy doing. Now the hormones are raging and boys are a whole new ballgame.
    I feel for you. (This is why I dogs instead of kids!)
    It's an awkward age because she is too old for some things and too young for other things. She is feeling the start of puberty and dealing with all the emotions of becoming a young woman.
    Now I don't have any kids, but I know how my mother treated me and got me through this horrible age and I turned out pretty good.
    She's not an adult yet, but she's not a baby anymore either. You can't treat her like your other children because she doesn't enjoy doing the "baby things" she did when she was younger. She needs to feel that you respect that fact that she is starting to grow up and you are starting to treat her that way. In the same respect, she needs to show you that she can act responsibly. It's like meeting each other half way.
    I agree that the boy she is seeing is not good for her, and that's going to take some time to work itself out. If I were you, I would also have her checked for drugs. If she is seeing a boy that smokes and smokes pot, chances are she is doing it too. She also needs to be talked to about sex and all it's responsibilities. She has made the decision to start doing adult things and she needs to be aware of the consequences that are involved with such activities.
    I agree with the other posters in the respect that the boy's mother is condoning what's going on. I would take the advice you were given keeping in mind the emotional transition your daughter is going through.
    Good luck - I don't envy you.

    Last edited by susieq0726; 05-04-2007 at 10:37 AM.

    Old 05-04-2007, 12:16 PM   #9
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    Re: Help, my 15 yr old daughter is having sex and sneaking out of the house

    Another thing you can do is since the age of consent in Utah is 16 you can tell the boy's bmother you are going to press charges against her son for rape. I wouldnt be surprised if the phone calls,the picking her up from school and general bs stopped right then and there. You can also get a restraining order against the mother and son. Make sure you take a copy to the school. If you have to follow through on the threat of pressing charges you might not have to do much once they go to his house to arrest him. If he is doing drugs and they see it that will be more charges against him. Or press kidnapping chrages against the mother since doesnt have yoru permission to take your child from school. Another idea is if you do catch her after she has snuck out call the police and let them know your daughter has snuck and where she is. They can go over and pick her up and scare the mother of the boy by telling her she can not allow your dughter to be there when she isnt suppose to be there. There are quite a few legal things you can do to get both your daughter's and the other family's attention. Another thing is talk to the school and let them know of the issues of the mother picking your daughter up without your permission. There are some Utah schools that are extremely tight about their rules of who can and cannot pick up your child. If the school knows there is a problem they should be more than willing to help you out.
    BTW I use to live in Utah on Hill AFB.
    Start recording the conversations with the mother. A small hand recorder works great. It is legal in Utah as long as one person knows the conversation is being recorded(which in your case would be you). The mother is harrassing you which also is illegal. But you have to have proof she is doing this so record the calls. Print out your phone bill if it shows her nuber on there.
    Good luck and I hope things get better with your daughter.
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    Old 05-05-2007, 05:22 PM   #10
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    Re: Help, my 15 yr old daughter is having sex and sneaking out of the house

    I totatlly agree, taking your daughter's privileages away will just make her act out even more. Sometimes teens just do this because they see there friends, and there friends brag about how "cool" there parents are because they have no rules. I would suggest giving your daughter the "talk" and maybe give her the protection so that she will understand the ins & out's of her decision making. That may put a stop to her wanting to have sex.

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