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  • Best friends with the opposite sex, reason for jealousy?

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    Old 05-08-2007, 07:24 AM   #1
    onyR
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    Best friends with the opposite sex, reason for jealousy?

    I have a question for you all, maybe mainly for the women here.

    I have always been good friends with women and it seems many of the people I date have issues with it. My best friend in the town I live in is a married woman, about the same age of the girl I'm dating (26).

    My ex-GF/GF (whatever you want to call her now, we are tech. not together) thinks it's strange my best friend is a married woman. She always makes smart comments about it, like "Did you call your girlfriend?" or "I know you two hooked up" in a joking sort-of-way.

    If your boyfriend/girlfriend is best friends with someone of the opposite sex, is that a real problem? Would you have a problem with that?

     
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    Old 05-08-2007, 07:31 AM   #2
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    Re: Best friends with the opposite sex, reason for jealousy?

    my 2 best friends are guys and I wouldn't give them up for any short-term boyfriend. they will always be in my life......boyfriends/girlfriends come and go. don't give up your friends because someone has a problem with it.....chances are eventually they will be gone and so will your friend. introduce your gf to your friend so she knows there's nothing to worry about.

     
    Old 05-08-2007, 07:41 AM   #3
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    Re: Best friends with the opposite sex, reason for jealousy?

    My husband's three best friends are women, two of whom he knew before me. I have workmates that I am friends with, coffee & lunch mates. Why would you ignore half the human population when it comes to having friends. It has always amazed me how threatened a lot of people are over this issue.

     
    Old 05-08-2007, 07:53 AM   #4
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    Re: Best friends with the opposite sex, reason for jealousy?

    Funny you say that. The girl I have been seeing off and on (mostly on) the past 1 1/2 years wants me back right now. But in order for me to get back with her, she has to drop HER best friend. The best friend (and her best friends husband) has caused problems for me/us since we started to date. The girl and husband are losers. All her other friends and family think the same thing... so in order for me to consider taking back this woman, she has to make a serious change in her life.

    As for my best friend, the girl I'm with (GF/ex-GF or whatever you want to call her) knows my best friend. We will all hang out together from time to time, but it still bothers by GF.

    My best friend and I will go grab a drink together, at a bar or even at her house ever so often when we are bored or stressed. We talk on the phone, text message, etc. I trust this woman with her thoughts on 'relationships' and has given me a ton of advice/help in the past.

    Last edited by onyR; 05-08-2007 at 07:55 AM.

     
    Old 05-08-2007, 09:43 AM   #5
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    Re: Best friends with the opposite sex, reason for jealousy?

    My husband has female friends, but they are much older unattractive female. If it will be a female about my age I wouldn't feel comfortable with it.
    I had a male friend who was a little bit older. My bf than husband didn't like it. After we got married, he invited us to his house and visa versa. I don't meet him just by myself. Now he is also married and we double date sometimes. It is fine with me and my husband.

     
    Old 05-08-2007, 10:17 AM   #6
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    Re: Best friends with the opposite sex, reason for jealousy?

    I've never really had experience with this, but I did date someone who was in a band with a guy who was best friends with a young girl, and she sort of became the band mascot/gopher and she befriended all the members of the band. I didn't have a problem with it at all until I felt my boyfriend was putting her ahead of me, was more concerned that she got little tokens and presents, she went to a couple of meetings with my boyfriend, just the two of them, and then I found a close up picture of just her eyes in his photo album. I raised a stink and he denied it, said it was no big deal, then the next time I looked the photo was gone. And I could always tell when he was talking to her on the phone. His voice would take on a little lilt that he never used with anyone else. Of course he denied that, too.

    If you truly are just friends, then I think that's fine, but it's a fine line you walk to make sure you don't give your girlfriend any reason to be uneasy or jealous, and always remember to make your girlfriend your number one priority. If you can't, if you always find yourself choosing your friend above your girlfriend, then maybe it's time to look for a new girlfriend who you won't have such a hard time making a priority.

     
    Old 05-08-2007, 10:39 AM   #7
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    Re: Best friends with the opposite sex, reason for jealousy?

    most of my friends are guys. and my bf does have issues with that..even though they are freakin 200 miles away in my hometown. but anyway i love him to bits and have given up those friendships. my stbxh had a few friends that are female. i only have issues with them when he put them ahead of me and the kids or when they would call wanting him to go out to bars and such. he did end up cheating and now dating one of those friends..so i would have issues if my bf had friends that were female. but that because of the past happenings. if it wasn't for that then i would see no harm in having friends of the opp sex as long as they were just friends. if you were friends with them before your gf..and then you met your gf..she should figure that if you wanted to hook up with them you would have and wouldn't be with her. so she should get over it. funny thing is i can say it but i can't live by it...but anyway..thats just me..lol
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    Old 05-08-2007, 03:00 PM   #8
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    Re: Best friends with the opposite sex, reason for jealousy?

    My best friend was a man. When I met my now husband, now husband had trouble with the idea. But Bill and I went way back and had gone thru so much together ! We were single at the same time for the first time and we laughed that it would be like 'being' with a sibling ! We just loved each other and depended on each other. He has died now, from AIDS. He wasn't gay, but contracted it from oral sex with a girl.
    I miss him very much. My husband knows that and respects it. We got our dog the day after the memorial service, and when someone asks how old our dog is, I always say, "well, we got him the day after Bill's service, so....."

     
    Old 05-08-2007, 05:12 PM   #9
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    Re: Best friends with the opposite sex, reason for jealousy?

    I know your situation. When I was with my ex I used to have this male friend at work. We always said hi and chatted a bit and I was keen to get to know him better as a friend because he seemed very interesting but everytime I spoke to this other guy my ex would make comments like "speaking to your boyfriend again?" or even make snide remarks when he just saw him! I was so fed up of it I stopped talking to this other guy for about a year to please my ex.
    Years later we split up and I realised there was nothing to stop me talking to this other guy again and now we're the best of friends!
    I know its hard not to feel some kind of jealousy but it makes me mad to know that my ex came between such an amazing friendship and I'm sure no one wants to make someone feel like that.

     
    Old 05-09-2007, 09:12 AM   #10
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    Re: Best friends with the opposite sex, reason for jealousy?

    Hey OnyR,

    Lets not forget that the reason she is to drop these friends is because she cheated with her ex who is all tangled up in that circle. That makes it all completely different IMO.

    One of my husband's best friends is a female who knew long before me. She is also married, like your friend. They also briefly dated (like a week or two) but thought the whole thing was too weird. Now we are all one big group of friends. He was honest with me about her from the beginning and didn't hesitate about having me meet her so I knew there was absolutely nothing to worry about.

    So long story short, you shouldn't have to dump an old friend for a girlfriend. As long as you are honest and let her see there is nothing to worry about there shouldn't be a problem. I never got the whole "you can't be friends with the opposite sex" thing.

     
    Old 05-09-2007, 10:07 AM   #11
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    Re: Best friends with the opposite sex, reason for jealousy?

    I guess it's an individual thing, no set rules, just how each individual feels about it. I like how Billy Crystal explained it in When Harry Met Sally, that members of the opposite sex who get along and like each other will always have a sexual tension, and the person you're in a relationship with can't understand why you have to be friends with this person you're just friends with, like it means something is missing from the relationship and you have to go outside the relationship to get it, and then they accuse you of secretly lusting after the person you're just friends with, "which you probably are, I mean let's face it, who are we kidding?" LOL His whole theory about why men and women can't be just friends.

     
    Old 05-10-2007, 02:56 PM   #12
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    Re: Best friends with the opposite sex, reason for jealousy?

    I have a really close guy friend that I've known for 10 years and my current BF of 6 months has made a few joking comments like your GF did. My BF lives 6 hours away from me so my situation is a bit different. I probably wouldn't hang out with him as much as I do if my BF lived here. Anyway I went to happy hour with my guy friend the other day and then he took me to the radio station he works at to show me around. My BF called, I explained where I was and so on and he said "Are you on a date with *name*?" I laughed and said of course not. He says he was joking, but I think he really may be worried about it. I explained to him once again that we are friends and he is in the brother category for me, but I can't help but feel almost guilty hanging out with him. I don't think I'll stop though, that wouldn't be fair to me or my guy friend. My BF just needs to trust me.
    So in my opinion your GF should trust that your heart lies with her (maybe reassure her of this often) and realize that it is possible to be just friends with someone of the opposite sex.... especially if they're already married!

     
    Old 05-10-2007, 04:41 PM   #13
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    Re: Best friends with the opposite sex, reason for jealousy?

    There are female friends and there are Ex girlfriend friends...I have no problem with the former...have huge problems with the latter!!!!!

     
    Old 05-11-2007, 04:06 PM   #14
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    Re: Best friends with the opposite sex, reason for jealousy?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ILYF View Post
    There are female friends and there are Ex girlfriend friends...I have no problem with the former...have huge problems with the latter!!!!!
    I would have been in full and total agreement with this up till about two or three years ago.

    I find this a very interesting topic; I dont think it's something you can generalise about though, the whole 'opposite sex friend' thing, because it depends so much on the individuals. If there is a past sexual history, as ILYF points out, it changes everything and in the majority of cases there's just no getting away from that. But having said that, some of the worst damage ever done to my relationship was done by my bf messing around with a so-called 'friend'.

    I would always have said I'd no problem with him having friends of the oppostite sex, and I would always have been genuinely sincere in saying that, but my bf messed around with three people during the first few months of our relationship, and long afterwards, when he saw fit to come clean about his infidenities, he disclosed that one of these three people was a female I had always known to be strictly a friend. They had no sexual history of any kind, and so of course I accepted the situation of 'just friends'.

    Well excuse me, but I dont get sexual with my friends, so maybe some people have different ideas about friendship than others. I have to state here that he had known this 'friend' for TEN YEARS before meeting me, so I reckon, in that instance, it wasnt unreasonable of me to assume that if anything was going to happen between them it would have happened before we met! The part that hurt worst was that I knew and liked this woman. I used to actually ask him to call her and ask her to come over and spend some time with us before that happened!

    Well, one night they got plastered and had a drunken kiss and a grope on her sofa. The way I felt they may as well have had intercourse, it didnt make a damn bit of difference to me; I felt so hurt, angry and betrayed.

    That experience did a lot to influence my mindset on this issue and really went a long way to changing the way I think. The way I see it now, if you cant trust a TEN YEAR history of strictly friendship not to develop into something else when your back's turned, what the hell can you trust between a woman and your man; do they need to have been friends for fifteen years??..Twenty???

    So yeah, naturally now I am very wary of the idea of my bf having associations with female 'friends'.

     
    Old 05-11-2007, 05:10 PM   #15
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    Re: Best friends with the opposite sex, reason for jealousy?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Laylah View Post
    Well, one night they got plastered and had a drunken kiss and a grope on her sofa. The way I felt they may as well have had intercourse, it didnt make a damn bit of difference to me; I felt so hurt, angry and betrayed.
    I agree totally...infidelity doesn't have to be intercourse!
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