It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • I want my wife back

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 05-09-2007, 12:11 AM   #1
    Mike Koh
    Newbie
    (male)
     
    Mike Koh's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2007
    Location: Singapore
    Posts: 3
    Mike Koh HB User
    I want my wife back

    My wife and me have been married for 5 years and we raised a 5 year old son. However, we're not in a happy marriage. Our marriage began to go down hill since about 3 years ago when she started to have affairs. Over the years she has had many affairs openly and we no longer sleep in the same room, although we're still married to each other and live in the same house. We have not made love to each other for more than 3 years now. Now she is openly seeing another man and she admitted that they have regular sex. In fact she is now even 4 months pregnant with his child. This hurts me badly and makes me feel very depressed.

    I still love her very much and i still want our marriage to work, for us and for our child. Divorce is not an option. I have been trying hard win her back but so far to no avail. I'm willing to forgive and forget about her affairs and ready to accept the child in her womb. But so far she has shown no interest at all. I just don't know what else should i do.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 05-09-2007, 07:11 AM   #2
    mrbojangle
    Senior Veteran
    (male)
     
    mrbojangle's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2005
    Location: Mn.
    Posts: 785
    mrbojangle HB User
    Re: I want my wife back

    I'm curious, why is divorce not an option; I'm amazed that you can tolerate all this for so long!!

     
    Old 05-09-2007, 08:08 AM   #3
    Bonitagirl
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Bonitagirl's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2005
    Posts: 111
    Bonitagirl HB User
    Re: I want my wife back

    I think I can understand if you have a deep true love for this woman, but I dont understand why you let her do this to you for so long. Personally I wouldnt have stayed around. Im sorry, I dont know what else to say.

    Last edited by Bonitagirl; 05-09-2007 at 08:09 AM.

     
    Old 05-09-2007, 09:36 AM   #4
    tarheel247
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    tarheel247's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jan 2007
    Location: NC
    Posts: 607
    tarheel247 HB User
    Re: I want my wife back

    you would prob get more response if you put this in the relationship help board.

    i would say your chances of getting your wife back is about zero. she has moved on. i think the baby in her tummy proves that. guess divorce is not an option in your culture? its big of you to accept your wife and want her back even though she is having another mans baby. but at some point you have to give up and move on somehow. it doesn't look good from here. sorry.
    __________________
    This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.
    Those who forget the past are destined to repeat it.

     
    Old 05-09-2007, 09:50 AM   #5
    rosequartz
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    rosequartz's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2005
    Location: Chicago,IL
    Posts: 11,286
    rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
    Re: I want my wife back

    In this case, it seems that divorce is the ONLY option......

    don't be a doormat

     
    Old 05-09-2007, 10:45 AM   #6
    KeltoKel
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Feb 2005
    Posts: 1,501
    KeltoKel HB User
    Re: I want my wife back

    Why is divorce not an option?

    If it isn't an option, then why isn't she leaving you and moving out?

     
    Old 05-09-2007, 10:55 AM   #7
    Larrylou'smom
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Larrylou'smom's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2006
    Posts: 4,063
    Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
    Re: I want my wife back

    I have to agree. You could try counseling, but I get the feeling she would not be agreeable to that. If you've let her know you still love her, and are kind and respectful to her and haven't been cruel or controlling as a subconscious way of "punishing" her for her affairs, and you have been patient and kind and supportive, and she still has no interest in coming back to you and trying to work on the marriage, then it seems that any love she may have felt has died. And when that happens, unfortunately, there just really isn't much to be done about that. This is why I disagree so adamantly with the popular social view that you can get love, create love, find love, if you really want to, whenever you want to. You can't control another person's free will. You can't force someone else to love you when they just don't feel it anymore.

    I suspect that she has lost a great deal of respect for you simply because you are still willing to sit around and take being cheated on and treated the way you are. It would be my guess that she would discover some new-found respect for you if you did divorce her and make the decision to move on and past her. Then she would be forced to make a real decision between you and this other man. Right now she has the best of all possible worlds, she has you at home willing to tip toe on egg shells to do anything to make her happy and convince her to stay, and then she has her lover who she has great sex with and has her fun with. Right now, she has no reason to stop seeing her lover, and she has no reason to treat you with respect and to try to work on her marriage, if she knows she can treat you as poorly as she wants to and you will stay there and take it because you don't believe in divorce. Why should she give up a nice secure comfy home and life with you and her lover on the side? What will she lose if she doesn't give up her lover and come "back" to you emotionally? If you left, she wouldn't be able to take you for granted anymore, and she would be forced to take a realistic, good long hard look at her lover and decide if he really is the one she wants to live with, be married to, raise a child with, etc. If he is, then good luck and good riddance to them both. If not, then you can cross that bridge when you come to it. But I would say there is no way to win back her affections by being her doormat, she'll only continue to take you for granted and lose respect for you. And the only way to stop being her doormat is to leave.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 05-09-2007 at 10:59 AM.

     
    Old 05-09-2007, 11:06 AM   #8
    happymom28
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    happymom28's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2006
    Location: New Hampshire
    Posts: 4,195
    happymom28 HB User
    Re: I want my wife back

    I'm sorry, but I think the chances of you "winning your wife back" are slim to none.

    I can only assume that divorce is not accepted in your culture which is why it is not an option. If that is not the case and you simply do not want a divorce then I think you really need to accept the fact that your "wife" (clearly in name only here) has made a life for herself without you and, as hard as it is, you need to come to terms with that.

    I truly am sorry for how you are being treated by your "wife". I hope you find the strength and the self respect you need to say enough is enough and either tell her to go or leave yourself. There is nothing you can do to make her change or come to you. You need to accept the situation for what it is and cut your losses.

     
    Old 05-10-2007, 04:32 AM   #9
    Mike Koh
    Newbie
    (male)
     
    Mike Koh's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2007
    Location: Singapore
    Posts: 3
    Mike Koh HB User
    Re: I want my wife back

    I said divorce is not an option not because it's not accepted in my culture, but because i still love her very much, even though i know the chances of her coming back to me is very slim.

    Aside from her extra-marital affairs, she's still a good mother to our son. She takes care of him and play with him everyday. She still tucks him to bed every night and read him stories. It gives me a very warm feeling everytime i see her do that to my son.

    It's true she has been treating me very badly over the years with her cheating ways. But, in the end of the day, she still comes home every night. We still go out with our son over the weekends and she still visit my parents regularly. When i found out she had been sleeping with other men discreetly, i couldn't take it initially. But slowly i began to tolerate it as long as she doesn't make it too obviuos. But now that she's doing it openly, and even brings her lover home often, it became hard for me to swallow. I wanted to accept it and live with it. I have been trying hard. But it's very depressing and i feel extremely jealous and inadequate. I have bagged her several times to stop, but she's not stopping. Sometimes i do feel like letting go, but something always pull me back...i'm very sad.

     
    Old 05-10-2007, 05:27 AM   #10
    ILYF
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Dec 2005
    Location: ohio
    Posts: 494
    ILYF HB User
    Re: I want my wife back

    Your wife sounds like the woman that my husband lived with for 12 years...come to find out she was having a "descreet" affair with another man the entire time they lived together. In her mind she was staying to "keep everyone happy"...her mind is warped!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She even got PG from the other man and had an abortion! To make a long story short...she ended up leaving anyway and wasted 12 years of his life. That's 12 years that he will never be able to get back. My husband has a great saying "you get used to hanging if you hang long enough!"

    Get a divorce! What makes this woman think that it's OK to do this to you? Why in the hell are you letting this go on?

    Last edited by ILYF; 05-10-2007 at 05:27 AM.

     
    Old 05-10-2007, 06:18 AM   #11
    Hazel_Eyes
    Veteran
    (female)
     
    Hazel_Eyes's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2005
    Location: Australia
    Posts: 347
    Hazel_Eyes HB User
    Re: I want my wife back

    Hi There,

    I understand it is not accepted in your culture. Having said that, acceptable and do-able are two different things. An old school mate of mine was Singaporean. His mom, a singaporean lady divorced his dad, and later on married a Japanese man. Nothing is impossible. I understand your culture may not accept it however, I dont think its acceptable that your "wife" openly has affairs with other men, get impregnated and disrespectfully INVITES them to YOUR home.

    I agree with ILYF, its just going to be a complete waste of time. I think she has made it clear that she does not want to be with you. Cmon, 3 years of no intimacy? Her pregnant with other man? The message is very clear. I think you should accept the reality. What you want is obviously not what she wants because if it was... then you wouldnt be having this problem.

    I would move on and not waste anymore of your time. Let's say you drag this on for 2 more years hoping she would change her mind. What will you do when she decides SHE had enough and she wants to divorce you irregardless of what your culture thinks. By then.. thats another 2 years you have wasted.

    Do you really want to be in a relationship where you're the only one trying. A relationship will not work if the other does not want to have anything to do with you anymore.

    Im really sorry... I know it really hurts. My biological father was very much inlove with my mother. She had 2 affairs and had 2 children from each man. The only difference between you and him... my mom told him she was not happy and left. Difference is... time was not dragged on. My mother made is clear she was not going to hang long

    Last edited by Hazel_Eyes; 05-10-2007 at 06:20 AM.

     
    Old 05-10-2007, 09:13 AM   #12
    desertdweller
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    desertdweller's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Posts: 1,041
    desertdweller HB User
    Re: I want my wife back

    You may feel love for her because she's a good mother, but marriage is a union with honor, physical attraction, and mutual respect for each other. She is not respecting you by turning to other men for love and affection. This has not been a marriage for a long time, just a convenience. It seems like this will eventually be a confusing situation for your child, given that your wife has chose to actually bring the men she sleeps with over to your home. I find it hard to believe that she is that good of a mother when she is exposing her child to her lover . She is setting a bad example of dishonesty, disrespect, and a distorted image of what marriage should be for your child.
    Please understand that most people from other cultures find it hard to understand why a person would expose themselves and their child to such a bad situation all for the honor of a religion.

     
    Old 05-10-2007, 09:31 AM   #13
    Larrylou'smom
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Larrylou'smom's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2006
    Posts: 4,063
    Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
    Re: I want my wife back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Mike Koh View Post
    I said divorce is not an option not because it's not accepted in my culture, but because i still love her very much, even though i know the chances of her coming back to me is very slim.

    Aside from her extra-marital affairs, she's still a good mother to our son. She takes care of him and play with him everyday. She still tucks him to bed every night and read him stories. It gives me a very warm feeling everytime i see her do that to my son.

    It's true she has been treating me very badly over the years with her cheating ways. But, in the end of the day, she still comes home every night. We still go out with our son over the weekends and she still visit my parents regularly. When i found out she had been sleeping with other men discreetly, i couldn't take it initially. But slowly i began to tolerate it as long as she doesn't make it too obviuos. But now that she's doing it openly, and even brings her lover home often, it became hard for me to swallow. I wanted to accept it and live with it. I have been trying hard. But it's very depressing and i feel extremely jealous and inadequate. I have bagged her several times to stop, but she's not stopping. Sometimes i do feel like letting go, but something always pull me back...i'm very sad.

    the problem is, you love her more than you love yourself, and she sees that. You've made it clear that she can walk all over you as much as she wants and you will sit there and take it. She knows you will stay and take whatever she dishes out. She will bring her lover home, have sex with him in your bed, in front of you, she will do whatever you stand for her to do. Dr. Phil has a saying, you teach people how to treat you. You have taught your wife that it's ok for her to treat you poorly and to cheat on you and that it's ok to never have sex with you and to be the way she is. You taught her that the minute you said ok and stayed. Believe me, she's not the only woman who could read bedtime stories to your son and tuck him in at night. There very well may be a wonderful woman out there who will love you back as much as you love her, who won't make you sad and who won't make you cry and who won't cheat on you and bring her lover home to have sex in your bed. Unfortunately, as long as you keep being a doormat for your wife, who has proven she does not love you back, you will never meet that wonderful woman. But the choice is yours. You are deciding how to spend your life. I just think it's sad that when you're on your death bed, you will look back on all the time you wasted being your wife's doormat and have nothing but regret. Maybe that's something you really need to consider. When she finally does leave you, or even if she doesn't leave you, but you live another 10 years the same way you've lived the last three, how will you feel about how you spent those years? Let's be realistic. You can't really blame her for wasting your life. She has been very up front, she refuses to make love with you, she is truthful about her affairs, she hasn't hidden anything from you. You are the one who is making the choice to stay with a woman who has told you very plainly she doesn't love you back. When you look back on the years you wasted with her, you will only have yourself to blame for how you decided to spend those years of your life. It will be wrong of you to say "she didn't love me, what an awful woman!! I can't believe she made me waste my life!!" That wouldn't be fair. You cannot control who she is or what she does. The only thing you have control over is how you react and respond to it and the choices you make based on it.

     
    Old 05-10-2007, 09:34 AM   #14
    Larrylou'smom
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Larrylou'smom's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2006
    Posts: 4,063
    Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
    Re: I want my wife back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by desertdweller View Post
    You may feel love for her because she's a good mother, but marriage is a union with honor, physical attraction, and mutual respect for each other. She is not respecting you by turning to other men for love and affection. This has not been a marriage for a long time, just a convenience. It seems like this will eventually be a confusing situation for your child, given that your wife has chose to actually bring the men she sleeps with over to your home. I find it hard to believe that she is that good of a mother when she is exposing her child to her lover . She is setting a bad example of dishonesty, disrespect, and a distorted image of what marriage should be for your child.
    Please understand that most people from other cultures find it hard to understand why a person would expose themselves and their child to such a bad situation all for the honor of a religion.

    ACtually, if you read his post a bit more carefully, he said that divorce is not an option because he just loves her so much and can't bring himself to leave her. It has nothing to do with his culture or his religion.

     
    Old 05-10-2007, 12:51 PM   #15
    KeltoKel
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Feb 2005
    Posts: 1,501
    KeltoKel HB User
    Re: I want my wife back

    She brings other men home? Be a man and kick them BOTH out when she does that!!!!! How dare her. Like another poster said, don't be a doormat.

    I find it so ironic that divorce isn't an option but infidelity is. I am sure you could make your wife's like hell by making her affairs public.

    By not doing something, you are allowing her to treat you this way.


    And, you have a SON?????? What does your son think is going on? You allow this in your home with a child around!? If anything, stop thinking of yourself and think of your son.

    Last edited by KeltoKel; 05-10-2007 at 12:52 PM.

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    Wife doesn't want my mom to see our Kid 99Z51 Relationship Health 12 12-20-2009 08:43 AM
    Why do woman want to be with a married man? yellow rose Relationship Health 9 07-15-2009 07:28 AM
    Do I really want to be... 'that guy'? Jeriku Relationship Health 8 01-20-2009 02:44 PM
    want to help a friend who has lost a child- wishicouldhelp Death & Dying 1 06-25-2008 11:55 PM
    I think i want a divorce mustang91gt Divorce & Separation 14 10-17-2005 06:44 PM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:34 AM.





    © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!