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mannie8 05-16-2007 11:30 AM

BF still talks to Ex
I have been with my BF for over 7 months now. He was in a previous live-in relationship for 4 years. They knew each other in high school and started dating in college, so they have a long history together. They broke up at the end of 2005 because they fought a lot and she was an overall negative person always bringing him down. He has a page on the "space website" and I saw her post things like "thanks for lunch sweets" and similar things leading me to believe they were still very much in contact and seeing each other. This was in September 2006, 1 month after I met him, but we weren't seriously dating yet. Anyway about a month into our relationship he said that she was psycho and calling him and she saw that I looked at her web page and got all upset about it and called me names and he said he never wanted to speak to her again, etc. He said if we ignore her she'll go away. The thing is she keeps calling him and he keeps talking to her! He says he feels like he is the only one in her life who can help her (she is a waitress, not very many good friends, etc). He assured me that his heart is with me and he has explained to her that he is happy with me. I know she is calling him because she still has feelings for him, although my BF won't admit it. He knows I don't like it and I told him the best thing is to stop talking to her. He said he has a hard time doing that because once a person reaches a certain point with him he can't just not talk to them and stop caring about them (as in their well being). I can't tell him what to do, but I really feel disrespected. Especially if her phone calls to him are just to pine over him and say how much she still loves him, etc. I told him the more he talks to her the harder it is going to be for her to move on. She dropped off everything he ever gave her a few months back and I thought that would be the end of it, but for some reason she's still calling him! I feel like if she hasn't gone away yet then she's never going to go away on her own and my BF will have to be the one to cut the ties.
So do I just let it go and hope she eventually goes away? I think I should stay out of it, but don't like to be walked all over either.

ILYF 05-16-2007 11:45 AM

Re: BF still talks to Ex
This really hits home for me!!!!! I've been dealing with my husbands EX gf for our entire relationship...we've been together for over 2 years now. When we first got together I was told that he had a roommate but come to find out she was his EX gf...they were not a couple for a long time but she still lived in his apartment and was dating someone else! Weird...I KNOW! That should have been my first clue! But, they were no longer involved but she had no way to support herself! For the longest time after she moved out and into a house with some other man, they kept in and day out! Finally after he snuck around to go see her I had enough and just told him that it's her or me...PERIOD! He chose me and that was well over a year ago. Well instead of telling her to stop talking to him...he just avoids her and quit returning her IMs. She finally quit attempting to write or communicate but he should have just told her to stop talking to him...he's with someone else now and she needs to move on!!!!!!!!!! So they don't talk anymore but he is a moderator at a forum and every day she's there at that forum like at 4 in the morning until 11 at night...she'll be reading all his threads all day long. It is so bazaar. So don't assume she'll just go away. This has been going on for almost 2 years now and she is NOT going away! Now I hear she's having relationship troubles and she's even following my husband around worse than ever!

With all that said, your BF needs to stop talking to her and he needs to tell her that it's over and they aren't getting back together. Otherwise she's going to just keep thinking she'll have a chance with him. Right now she's just biding her time and waiting for the two of you to break up!

Sweetest_Pink00 05-16-2007 11:59 AM

Re: BF still talks to Ex
In my opinion i would say that he may think that its ok to talk to her just because he doesnt have feelings for her. It seems like he knows its bothering you but he's just a nice guy. How about you tell him that you understand it's hard for him to stop talking to someone but what if that person doesnt call him anymore. You can ask him out of respect to tell her not to call him. Make him do it and if she still calls then you tell her not to call. If she still calls then she's disrespecting you and i dont think he's the type to let an ex disrepect his current GF. You DO have some say in the situation because it is affecting you in some way.

ILYF 05-16-2007 12:02 PM

Re: BF still talks to Ex
Another thing...IS she REALLY telling him how much she wants him back and how much she loves him? IF this is the case he really has got to stop her from calling him! He should not be egging that on!

mannie8 05-16-2007 12:50 PM

Re: BF still talks to Ex
[QUOTE=ILYF;2987006]Another thing...IS she REALLY telling him how much she wants him back and how much she loves him? IF this is the case he really has got to stop her from calling him! He should not be egging that on![/QUOTE]

No, and I don't know exactly what she says, but it's something that leads him to believe that she wants him back. I try not to ask too many detail questions. I've been trying to be careful about making it a big deal because if I do that, then I'm afraid he will stop being open about it. So far he has been the one to initiate the subject which I love and don't want to lose that. I don't want to become the annoying GF who keeps asking if he has talked to his Ex lately. I am so curious as to what she says though....

Bluesy 05-18-2007 04:10 PM

Re: BF still talks to Ex
[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]I wouldn't put up with it. It's obvious she's jealous of your relationship with him and would love to break that apart. If he really cared about you he'd stop talking to her. He wouldn't like you talking to your ex would he? Maybe you should let him know that![/FONT]

Laylah 05-18-2007 04:32 PM

Re: BF still talks to Ex
This is a difficult one OP. Normally I'd say he'd no right disrespecting you and he ought to cut her off sharpish, but you and he have been together such a very short time. I mean really, do you expect him to discount his past in such a hurry? If you'd said you were together [I]a year[/I] and 7 mths, I'd say differently, but I do feel it's too soon for you to be calling the shots like this.

I'm sorry but they did have a long live-in relationship, and you have to remember you are only hearing his side of the story as far as who's initiating the contact at all times. Is it possible he calls her sometimes? I'm not saying he certainly does or anything, but are you certain about that? and if so, [I]how do you know for sure?[/I]

Generally I say ex's need to head off into the distance, and I truly feel they bode no well hanging around, I just dont feel you two are together long enough for you to be making these type of demands. If he loves you, your relationship [I]WILL[/I] win out; and that [I]IS[/I] a fact.

whiteslopes 05-23-2007 04:13 PM

Re: BF still talks to Ex
I don't think you're required to feel like you have a hand-me-down boyfriend. If he's out of the relationship with her, it means that not only is he physically out of the relationship, but also emotionally out of the relationship (meaning he doesn't support her emotionally in any way). She's over stepping her bounds and he's allowing her to do it. And no, they're not just friends because she's not supporting your relationship with him in a FRIEND-ly supportive way, nor is she happy for him to be living his life the way he chooses like a true friend would.

I would definitely tell him to hop off the fence or leave you out of it. His energy needs to go towards supporting your relationship. Also- 7 months together is more than enough time for him to give you respect. I don't get that.. he was with her four years, so that gives him a license to make you feel 2nd class for 7 months? this argument has no logic.

daylight568 05-24-2007 03:52 AM

Re: BF still talks to Ex
I'm not so sure I would believe what your bf is telling you.He could be pretending that he has no interest in her but secretly does.If it were me I would just tell him that he either stop talking to her or I'm history.If he stops talking to her though,just remember that doesn't nessessarily mean that their relationship is over.I would not want to be in a situation like that.

jen52983 05-24-2007 07:33 AM

Re: BF still talks to Ex
I had a problem with my BF talking to his ex. I feel I had good reason... even to this day she doesn't want to aknowledge my existance!

In the beginning months I was like you, uneasy but not wanting to say too much, not wanting to come off as needy or controlling or paranoid! We've been together over a year now, and on occasion he still talks to her. They've known eachother since junior high and dated for about 2 years. She is the one who does the calling, at least as far as I know. In the time that we've been together I've become more secure with myself and our relationship. Even if she does call and they have a 5-10 minute conversation.. I'll ask about wht she had to say, but it honestly doesn't get under my skin the way it used to. He loves me. He wants to be with me.

I can't expect him to drop every female friend he has, especially anyone who's been in his life longer than I have... just like he doesn't expect me to drop any male friends I have... and I also keep in contact with some ex's that have become better friends than they were boyfriends.

Your BF is most likely a really nice guy who is being honest when he says he can't just erase people from his life. He cares about her as a friend. As long as he really is telling her that he is happy with you and that she needs to accept it, then you have nothing to really worry about on his end.

Yes, in order for her to move on your BF should stop talking to her... at least for a little bit, until she is in a place where she can be happy for him.

I don't think guys really understand this about girls. He's trying to be the nice guy to both of you. He doesn't want to hurt her.. but in this case it is in her best interest. When you try to explain that to him he's just thnking that you're being a jealous girlfriend.. and I'm sure you are a little bit, how couldn't you be!!? I was! It's natural.

I think you either need to ride it out and let him get to a point where he realizes on his own that space would be best for his ex.. or try again to explain to him that girls needs time and space away from a guy their trying to get over, they just wont often do it for themselves, the guy needs to do it for them.

If you only [I]think[/I] she still has feelings for him and don't actually know.. then maybe it's best to just drop it.. trust him and his feelings for you, and be confident in yourself and your relationship with him. He's with you, you're the one he wants. Focus on that.

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