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Need2bfree 05-22-2007 04:47 AM

What to do? I Could REALLY use some advice....
Hi although I am a newbie, I have been on the boards for years. The reason I feel the need to "hide" does not stem from the boards itself, but from my the story unfolds you will understand why.

This is the 2nd time I wrote this post. The first was WAY too long. I am trying to condense 10 years into this. Please bear with me. If I am too vague please feel free to ask. Again I appologise for the length. I know there are things that I will forget to mention, but this is the best I can do so far:

** Divorced after 10 years of marriage (sexual abuse)
** Jumped into a relationship with current hubby & had a child
** Married current hubby
**Gave him my heart (yes I really really did love him)
**Endured many years of his physical problems, which are now better. Also many emotional problems he has
** Some physical abuse, but that ended when he had major surgery & the pain killer that he was on made him very mean & he beat me & his father who came to my aid. Since then no more physical abuse
**Emotional abuse which if brought up, he will become angry and very addimately deny
**He thinks he is God's gift to women, flirst with cashiers & watresses etc, asking them for dates, calling them honey, sweetie,dear, etc right in front of me.
**Family, friends & neighbors ask why I stay with him, stating he is like having another child, a toddler with the temper tantrums and all. They comment on how controlling he is...I have to ask for money, if I want to go somewhere I have to ask. He denies this, but if I plan to go somewhere he will tell me no I cant. If I visit my parents, he will start calling there before I even get there, when he calls & reaches me he wants to know when I will be home, how much longer, etc.
** This past year we have split 2x and 2x we have tried to work it out. The last split being 6 months ago. I even had an attorney at that point. He promised changes, we went to counseling etc. Counselors told me right out he will NOT change. One thing tho, when we do get along, we get along great.

**I asked him for a divorce. He is not happy, he thinks I have someone else. But yet he knows I am ALWAYS home. He works 3rd shift & expects me to be online chatting with him all nite. If I go to bed he calls throught out the few hours that I do get to sleep.

He expects me to lay down with him when he gets home. If I do not do these things he gets angry, smashes things (mostly mine) I am afraid of him and the kids are. He now blames the kids for my asking for the divorce. He hacks into my computer to see who I am talking to (thus the name change, he would recognise the other name and he knows I come on the boards do to my health problems...even tho I rarely post) He calls constantly I told him tonight I was going to bed, I had a migraine all day & he knew it. He called & woke me up once I finally was able to fall asleep. He got angry on the phone and hung up on me. When he called back again I did not answer, he called 12x before I finally answered and the reason I answered is because if I did not, he would call one of my kids to tell them to go tell me to answer the phone. He controls all the money, and will say at the end of the month he is leaving, but then at the end of the month he will say we are behind on bills so he has to stay another month to catch us up so he does not leave me being behind and trying to catch up as my income is VERY limited. I am beginning to thing that he is doing this on purpose. I could leave & go live with my parents...they would take the kids and I...but my mom and I are not very close, the kids get very upset when I even mention the idea.

SO here is the question, how do I get him to leave? I still do everything I always did for him, getting his uniform ready, making his lunch, doing his laundry etc....I do it to keep peace so there is not as much fighting in front of the kids. This has become very stressful on the kids. They do not talk to him unless they absolutely have to and usually disappear to their bedrooms or another room when he is around. Even our daughter that we had together asks why daddy yells so much. If he is watching tv and she speaks to him he will yell "Shut up Im watching the @%*&+%@ tv!"

Finally I have seen the light. I need to be free. I do not want my son talking to his girlfriend, wife, or kids like this. I do not want my daughters to think it is ok to be treated like this from a man. I feel like everyday I am just sitting here putting my time in. There is more to life than this. I cant afford another place on my own. How do I get him to leave? He has told me he will keep trying to keep me even after he leaves. That he told me if I ever left him it would be hell and that he means it. Well once he is gone I know if he makes my life hell there are things I can do legally to get him to leave me alone...Right now Im taking it one day at a time, but I have been doing this for a long time...its not good enough for me anymore.......I need advice! Thanks!

Seraph 05-22-2007 05:08 AM

Re: What to do? I Could REALLY use some advice....
I think the first thing you need to do is get advice. Learn all your rights, options and everything you can about family law as it will apply to you. Find out what assistance may be available to you, what measures you can legally take to assist you. Look for jobs, not so much for now, but find out what may be available to youwhen you separate. You may find that you are able to leave and set yourself up, you must also find out what rights you have about him leaving the family home. If you cannot prove abuse, then you may not be able to force him to leave, I am not sure about the laws there. Start your research, you can accomplish quite a lot before you need to confront him. Others on this forum will have excellent advice about all this stuff, read back in other postings about abusive partners and leaving home. Thinking of you, Sera

Need2bfree 05-22-2007 05:23 AM

Re: What to do? I Could REALLY use some advice....
I am not looking to prove abuse. As far as divorcing, my state is considered "no fault", so you dont have to prove anything in order to be granted a divorce. I know I can ask my parents to retain the attorney again, but if I do that, they are involved and then I am endebted to them......they will think I have to do everything their way even if I am against it. The attorney they retained last time said that he could go to court & get a court order giving him 30 days to leave, because the rental contract is in my name only. I am hoping to avoid this.
My hubby said when we do divorce he wants to do it on our own. We can obtain papers from the courthouse and file them on our own and get the hearing on our own as long as we are in agreement. We have gone over these things all ready. He just does not want to leave the home.....I guess more than anything I am looking for advice on how to get him to leave. Should I stop doing all that I do for him? ALso, I am filing for disability. Do to my medical problems I am unable to work. Some may think I can't afford to divorce him. I cant afford comprimising my mental health or that of my kids by staying with him. Maybe my only choice is going to stay with my parents and hoping that one day my kids will understand. My daughter had a great bf here and is going to be a junior in high school next year. She does not want to leave the area until she has graduated. I can't blame her. If we go stay with my parents, then she would have to leave her friends and bf. I hate to become dependant on my parents at my age even if it is temporary, but I guess sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

marie72 05-22-2007 05:32 AM

Re: What to do? I Could REALLY use some advice....
Been through similar situation. It's a crazy household, no peace, right?? I finally had to get him out when he started using the children to scare me. I could take all the stuff he did to me, but once he started to use the children as his scare tatics that was it. You can go to the local family court and speak with a counselor, they will tell you if you have enough for a petition to get him out. If your case is not strong enough then they will warn you that this will further agitate him, so be careful. In my case, the Judge said my petition had all red flags and because of all the recent wife killings, the judges are very careful with domestic violence. Also, go to the local women's shelter, they have domestic voilence counselors and also attorneys free of charge if you qualify, if not they will still speak with you and advise you. Make sure that he doesn't suspect anything because by the time I realized what mine was doing he had taken all the funds we had and cut me off completely financially. I did have a job that he wanted me to quit, at the time I didn't know why but now I see that he wanted me to have nothing, so I would have to put up with his abuse. Stay strong and once you head that way....out of the careful not to let him back in your life....that could be dangereous even if you think he's being nice or changed for the better, it's his way of manipulating you. Don't fall for the suicide trick either, mine went out of his way and wrote at least 8 suicide notes to the children, family, friends...all with photos...pyschologist said it was all to make me feel guilty, another abuse tatic. And don't worry about what other's think, focus on yourself and the children, mine destroyed all my relationships with my family, friends, neighbors, but I am in a better place now....a peaceful home for my children!

Seraph 05-22-2007 05:37 AM

Re: What to do? I Could REALLY use some advice....
OK it sounds as if you already have done the groundwork. If it were me, tho, I don't know if I would trust your husband to run your separation, he sounds a bit too changeable and volatile. I didn't think you WERE looking to prove abuse, I just observed that unless he was abusive, you might find it hard to legally make him leave, but I didn't know that the house was in your name; that will make a difference. You may have to take the legal option or, as you say, live with your parents. Don't wait too long for the right moment to take action, or wait for him to make the running - he sounds as if he is enjoying keeping you on edge.

Need2bfree 05-22-2007 05:38 AM

Re: What to do? I Could REALLY use some advice....
OMG! does that ever sound familiar...No he hasnt written any suicide notes, but one day he called me on his cell phone, said he wanted to say good bye, Then I heard a gun blast and the phone went dead. My father & brother both hunt and I knew enough about guns that it would not of sounded like that if he shot himself. Then he called back later acting all innocent and said he was shooting at a deer. It was not deer season. DUH. I think I am going to take your advice and go talk to the domestic abuse counselors. There are times I am afraid of him, but I really dont think he would hurt me....but then one never knows, I have have heard of stranger things!

marie72 05-22-2007 05:59 AM

Re: What to do? I Could REALLY use some advice....
I never in a million years would have thought that mine would do what he did, as everything unfolded I couldn't believe that he could do that to the mother of his children, like you said cooked, cleaned, did his laundry and worked, was a good mother, wife and friend. Mine also had a gun, lueitenant in the police department, I was even afraid to go to the police because of his status, but I do have to admit they were soooo supportive, they said domestic voilence has come to the forefront of their training and not to be taken lightly. Mine also said he would do the seperation agreement himself not to waste money, he was just buying time to get all his eggs in a basket, he had already consulted with attorneys and researched how to win a divorce, by the time I found out what he was up to it was to late, he had taken everything and everyone with him, I was left standing alone fighting him, my family, his family, our friends no one believed me, but the courts!!!!!

brook65 05-22-2007 06:19 AM

Re: What to do? I Could REALLY use some advice....
Hi - you are asking us the question of how can I get him to leave?

Well sorry but none of us here can advise you on that one, as we all know that he WON'T ever leave!

You have got to leave, like right NOW!

Sorry to be blunt here, but your kids, I feel so sorry for them, they are being damaged.

You sound like you are in a relationship that you are being made to endure, but you DON'T have to endure this.

Take charge of your life and your kids, and get out NOW!

happymom28 05-22-2007 07:25 AM

Re: What to do? I Could REALLY use some advice....
Hi Need2bfree,

First of all I really commend you for knowing you and your children deserve better and wanting to do something about it. There are so many women (and men) who stay and put up with it. Your name really says it all.

I noticed where you said your husband wants to handle the divorce on his terms when he is ready, or something like that. DO NOT FALL FOR THAT! My ex tried this with me and dragged his feet in the courts thinking I would eventually give up (I was too stupid to get a lawyer but it all worked out in the end). He wants to call the shots and is totally manipulating the situation. What a favor he is doing you month after month staying and paying the bills :rolleyes: !

The suicide threats, the threats of making your life hell if you leave, etc., all needs to be told to a lawyer. I really think you should get the help from your parents. I know you don't want to be indebted to them, but what other choice do you have? Your husband thinks that no matter what happens you will keep coming back and putting up with him. You need to break that cycle and let him know you won't take anymore of his crap! A lawyer will help use this information to probably be able to get him removed from the house and most likely get a restraining order for you and the kids. Also, I think this will probably help you to get sole custody of the kids and have his visitation supervised (assuming he would actually want to visit them).

You are lucky. You have people who want to help you. Sometimes you need to use the help (even if you don't want to) to make things better for yourself and your children. When I got divorced I had to live with my parents for a year and most of that time my mother had an opinion on everything. Sure it sucked, but the alternative of being with him still was far worse. I got a job, got assistance, and got on my feet. There are so many options out there.

I really hope you think this all through and make a game plan for yourself. Do your research as a pp said and get everything in a row. Use the help that is offered to you for your own sake and for the kids (they will eventually come to realize you had to do what you had to do).

Shanlo 05-22-2007 08:06 AM

Re: What to do? I Could REALLY use some advice....
Recently there was a tv show with a couple and the husband was like yours in some way. He was obsessed with his wife..he put a gage in her truck to track her every move, called her a 100x a day, wanted to know who she was with, where she was going, when she was coming home...advise given was to send him to counsleor for 6 months..inpatient treatment..if he did not follow through then his wife was told to divorce. It was not safe for her or the children.

mixtinn 05-22-2007 05:47 PM

Re: What to do? I Could REALLY use some advice....
Don't ever let him handle it on his own.. I tried that and got screwed.. If i only then what I know now.. He even kicked me and the kids out.. Well I know in the state of PA.. If you can show just cause.. You can get him out.. My ex, called me and said he was killing himself.. The kids were in the house with him.. I called 911. They came out.. Police, snipers you name it.. They surrounded the house for 8 yrs trying to get him out.. Calling him, everything.. Well he had the phone off the hook.. They could see him sitting on the sofa with what they though was a gun.. between his legs. Here is was a beer the whole time.. They finally after all those hrs.. knocked down the door.. You just can't do this kind of stuff with kids around.. Not good.. He had locked me the house with the kids and wouldn't let us leave.. He said I was his and all his.. He tried running me downwith his truck while I was on foot.. Eventually he was ordered to get out of the house.. Endangering the children... Please.. think of the kids.. My kids are a little older now. But they remember everything.. Its damaging to them.. It really is.. I still have nightmares of him running me down with the truck.. Just think what the kids go through...

mixtinn 05-22-2007 05:48 PM

Re: What to do? I Could REALLY use some advice....
8 hrs, not 8 yrs.. sorry

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