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    Old 05-22-2007, 11:15 PM   #1
    t_411
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    partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    To me...this is just plain crazy. I am alone al day till he gets home. I like to sleep in a little later, like about 11 or noon. He comes home 6 or 7 PM. I make him lunch to take to work every day, I make food every night, we have a lot of heated, amazing sex, we talk a lot and do projects together around the house such as building a dog house, planting flowers, etc... We go out one night every weekend for a date together. We've been living together for less than 6 months, we don't smoke, do drugs and drinking is MAYBE a glass of wine a month so far. Anyway, he goes to bed around midnight. I go to bed between 2 and once in a while 4. We dont have kids so this is not a problem. Once he gets home we're stuck together like glue so I just don't get what just happened!

    He went to bed. I'm here looking around healthboards, researching for my own personal knowledge... I've learned a lot here so I enjoy coming here to read at night for an hour or 2 before bed. Anyway, 20 minutes later, here he comes. He looked slightly angry and just tired of something. He sat down and went on to say, "this is a problem & we need to work it out cause it's not ok with me". I was like, whhaaa??? confused. He never mentioned it ever before. Anyway, he said "I can't sleep unless you are next to me". I said well, how did you sleep before you met me? lol... anyway, he went on like a big baby saying we need to work it out or else he's leaving.

    He knows I've had a lot of sickness over the last few years, I'm fairly needy and a little scared to be alone. I had a roommate living here before he moved in.. That room mate is still living with us so I am not really ever fully alone now -yay for me. He knows all of this and has for a long time. Now it seems every whim he has he wants it satisfied OR ELSE he is leaving and I will be more alone.

    Am I wrong? I stay up like this about 3 to 4 nights a week. On the weekend he does the same thing, except he watches TV really late (except for when we go out). We're pretty balanced except for this.

    My stand on this is he is a grown man - go to bed like a grown man. I mean..he was acting like a little toddler that needed rocked to sleep or something.
    I feel it's a control thing. I told him I like to stay up cause this is the only time I get time alone to read while people are here in my home... Just everyone is sleeping and I feel alone though I know I'm not... Weird.. I know. But that's how it is for me. In the day I sleep a little late so that I'm here for the entire moring all alone doing nothing. I can't drive, all the cleaning and so on is done by the time he gets home cause that is what I do after I wake and have my late moring. I walk the dog, do laundry, exercise, read a few pages in what ever book I'm on at the moment, plan our meals (which by the way are healthy and very yummy -I'm a great cook, you would think you were at a 5 star restaurant), I take great care of myself physically and have been told often I'm pretty hot, he lives in my house (which I own & is paid off) and only has to pay $300 a month for his own part of the food (he was paying $1200. rent before he moved in with me) so he's not exactly hurting for anything here! What gives?

    He's not a spoiled brat either. Not a supper hottie. Never had a really great girlfriend either. All his x's left him in less than 3 months so other than a highschool relationship lasting a few yrs, that's it for him.
    We're mid 30's.
    His mom, dad, brother & sister are bipolar so I am worried he might be too a little. If so, it's not bad. just odd once in a while. It's nights like this when I look at him and I just don't feel that we're "okay" ya know? That feeling you get when all along you thought everything was great and okay then suddenly they change and start with things like this that show you how unstable it really is. I mean... Right now I feel like kicking him out and getting this whole thing over with NOW instead of waiting to get more attached to him and him just do it for no good reason in the future.
    What is the point? I wont spend my life with a man who is going to try and threaten me with leaving every time they don't get 100% what THEY want.

    I even told him. SO, you want me to go to bed the same time you do so you can sleep even though that is not what I want to do? He said yes. I said SO you want me to do what YOU want instead of what I want. He said "yea -so!".

    Is this wrong? He's so leechy when he's home we're hardly ever in a different room more than 10 minutes w/o him peekin in on me. What is that????
    I used to think it was sweet, like he was checking on me to see if I was ok... But now I have no idea what it really is.

    What do you all think? Should I sit around dealing with "oh- I am leaving you if you don't come to bed and seep next to me RIGHT when I go to bed every night and with holding my fears over my head?

    It's not an every day thing...He does this about once every 3 weeks. Kind of like he can't stand to be perfectly happy for too long. What ever the case... It's making me be more fearful that just when I think things are good he's going to be gone and possibly when I need him most.

    Right now I feel like he don't even really want to be with me because he's acting this way?
    I don't want someone I have to be mean to in order to get them to be good to me... I know many men and women who are like that but it's just not what I want in m life.

    Am I not allowed even an inch of privacy in my life where he can't be... Like the toilet, or here on the boards for goodness sake???

    We're not married or engaged either but have been talking about having a baby (and even tried to get pregnant about an hour before he did this). This was as much his idea as mine..... I just think it's weird for a man to be that way about one little thing like THAT of all things when I give him so much. The quality of his life has gone from nice house, no furniture (including TV), just a bed, crappy car, had a recently failed business which put him into a ton of debt, no cell phone, no friends, no girlfriends that would stick around, and more family drama that even me.. lol... Anyway, now he has a nice house, my 2 cars to drive as he pleases, my 2nd cell to use, my big tv to watch, all my furniture to lounge around on, my cookin skills day and night, amazing sex, only argue when he comes up with something like this about every 3 weeks, and I created a whole new look, idea and name for his business to make it work and right now he's working 5 days a week unlike before when he would get one job a month if he was lucky...What gives??? I am giving too much?

     
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    Old 05-22-2007, 11:50 PM   #2
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    You HAVE to feel better after getting that off your chest. Firstly, the betime issue: Assertiveness is called for here, with you asserting firmly but nicely that he does not get to dictate your bedtime to you. Don't bring out all the other stuff, work on the presenting issue only. This way it won't escalate into ww3. Just say your piece, no blaming or name-calling just reasonable assertion.
    Now for the rest. It is all the same issue going on here, either he is a control freak or one of the most insecure people around. Whichever, you have to be assertive, and let it be known in no uncertain terms what you want to happen in a given situation. I don't know about the big picture, but you can certainly start with the day-to-day annoyances, like the bathroom privacy for example. If you insist on these little things, but stay loving, then maybe he will get the message that you don't have to be joined at the hip to be loved. Laugh at his threats to leave you, he is just pouting.
    That is, if you want to make the effort to keep him and work on all this. Cheers, Sera

     
    Old 05-23-2007, 05:43 AM   #3
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    i can see where he's coming from..sorta. i HATE to go to be alone. don't sleep unless my bf is in bed too. i guess when you love someone you take comfort in them being there. and when do you need the most comfort? when you are sleeping of course...so his demand is not out of line...but his threat to lv is overboard. if he lv's over this then he must not care too much for you in the first place. but then again if you can't give a little on your bedtime then maybe you don't care much for him either. of all the relationship issues out there this one is petty. your attitude here seems to be that you are better then he is/was. you have all these great things and he had nothing until you. that may be the truth. but you should never hold that against him. both of you should meet in the middle on the bedtime thing...

    i am curious though..why do you sleep soo late? thats like half your day. i take it you don't work. i've never understood how anyone could sleep past like 9am. maybe 10. but till noon? and how'd you get all the nice things you say you have without a job? just wondering....
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    Old 05-23-2007, 06:16 AM   #4
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    It just sounds to me like he's trying to find an excuse to break up.

     
    Old 05-23-2007, 06:29 AM   #5
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    I know I like to sleep next to someone at night. But if they are not there or they have business to take care of than I am not MAD. The fact that you are feeling confined means that he might be a bit controling. Since I don't see his actions I couldn't say, but if you're feeling a certain way there is the issue. If you feel that he's being overbearing than there is probably a reason for you feeling this way, he is. Maybe it's just miscommunication, but it sounds to me like you state your feelings clearly.

    Anyway, I am no expert. Why does he want you in bed next to him at night right when he goes to bed? Can he not sleep without a warm body next to him? Does he want to cuddle? Does he have sleep problems? Maybe he harbors resentment that you don't have to get up early in the morning for work like he does? Just a thought. Like possibly he envy's the fact that you can stay up until 4am and sleep until noon? So out of his resentment he wants you on his schedule? Like I siad, shot in the dark.

    But I guess you should get down the the bottom of why he feels it's so important that you be next to him when he goes to bed.

    Also is there any way that he would make a compromise. Like you watch a movie in bed with him while he falls asleep and once he's out you can inch out of bed to get on the computer?

    Is he insecure? Maybe he thinks you are talking to people online and he's jealous even if this is not the case?

    I don't know there are alot of maybe's here, but I guess you can rule them out as needed. I just read the post and tried to think of the reasons why this would be so important to him that he would threaten to leave an otherwise happy relationship.

    Sorry if my babble doesn't help. My thoughts scatter alot.

    jkitty

    Last edited by jkitty; 05-23-2007 at 06:31 AM.

     
    Old 05-23-2007, 06:39 AM   #6
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    Honey....he needs you more than you need him. You've raised his standard of living, handed him everything on a silver platter and he's making demands about what time you should go to bed? You're a grown woman who can make that decision on your own. He's living in your house, paying next to nothing rent and trying to control you. I'm gonna make this short and sweet........next time he threatens moving, tell him you'll help him pack......and do it.

     
    Old 05-23-2007, 06:44 AM   #7
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    I like rosequartz answer better.

    I guess my pattern is to try and figure out why someone does something rather than hold them accountable for doing it in the first place.

    So I retract my last post and prove I have much to learn as well. Guess I shouldn't be giving advice. But I do say that I am certainly not an expert so I guess at least I leave a disclaimer. LOL

    Sorry about that. I just posted from experience and that's me, always trying to fix it. Co-dependant I know.

     
    Old 05-23-2007, 06:53 AM   #8
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by jkitty View Post
    I like rosequartz answer better.

    I guess my pattern is to try and figure out why someone does something rather than hold them accountable for doing it in the first place.

    So I retract my last post and prove I have much to learn as well. Guess I shouldn't be giving advice. But I do say that I am certainly not an expert so I guess at least I leave a disclaimer. LOL

    Sorry about that. I just posted from experience and that's me, always trying to fix it. Co-dependant I know.

    JKITTY - thanks....I USED to try to figure people out and get to the bottom of whatever it was and "work things out", but I guess as I get older and less patient I have less tolerance for other peoples BS when it inflicts on my life, and I've also learned to recognize red flags because I've been there, done that, and don't plan on living like that again (fill in the blank.......abuse, control, etc)

     
    Old 05-23-2007, 06:59 AM   #9
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    I agree with everything that Rose said. And another thing, whatever you do, DON'T have a child with this guy! Why would anyone want to be tethered to a control freak like him for their entire life? Ew, gross, sick, icky, no way!

    Don't let him control you! And don't have babies with him, either, since he'd probably cause them to grow up all weird and stuff like he is!

     
    Old 05-23-2007, 07:24 AM   #10
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    Hey- I could be completely wrong here but maybe he is insecure that you are on the internet all night. The internet can be a sore spot in some relationships seeing as it opens every window possible to do naughty things.

    My bf doesnt go to bed when I do, usually a 2 or so hours later so once in a while I ask him to come to bed with me. Maybe you can compromise and 1 or 2 nights/week you can do that. I think I may feel a tad uncomfortable if my bf was on the internet until 3 and 4 am ALL the time. I'm sure it wouldnt be too bad, but it may bug me from time to time. (we dont have internet though).

    Good luck!

     
    Old 05-23-2007, 09:03 AM   #11
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    It sounds like to me that you have no interest in this guy whatsoever,that you are only with him because you feel sorry him.Nobody needs that.I think you should break up with him.

     
    Old 05-23-2007, 09:17 AM   #12
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by tarheel247 View Post
    i can see where he's coming from..sorta. i HATE to go to be alone. don't sleep unless my bf is in bed too. i guess when you love someone you take comfort in them being there. and when do you need the most comfort? when you are sleeping of course...so his demand is not out of line...but his threat to lv is overboard. if he lv's over this then he must not care too much for you in the first place. but then again if you can't give a little on your bedtime then maybe you don't care much for him either. of all the relationship issues out there this one is petty. your attitude here seems to be that you are better then he is/was. you have all these great things and he had nothing until you. that may be the truth. but you should never hold that against him. both of you should meet in the middle on the bedtime thing...

    i am curious though..why do you sleep soo late? thats like half your day. i take it you don't work. i've never understood how anyone could sleep past like 9am. maybe 10. but till noon? and how'd you get all the nice things you say you have without a job? just wondering....
    My dad left this house to me in his Will when he died. This house is next to my mom and I look after her as well so it works out. As for work, yes I do work, from home and I can set my own hours now which is what I have wanted/needed for ages now. I used to work 3rd shift in the company I was with last (by choice). I'm a night person and have never enjoyed mornings. I also have been dealing with some health problems that have gotten bad when I've been alone before so I chose to sleep late instead of being up alone doing nothing. You have nothing to do at night but sleep I assume. I have nothing to do in the mornings plus like I said, I don't like mornings.
    I DO meet him half way with the bd thing. As I said... I got to bed same time with him 3 to 4 nights a week. That's more than enough.
    My attitude is not that I am better than anyone.I've been through hell to get where I am today, I've suffered with sickness and a stress disorders the last 5 yrs. He knows I can't handle much stress or else it comes back. I'm not puttingmy well being on the line for some dude who's going to toss a fit and threaten me every time he don't get his way. I have things cause I paid my bills. I share ALL these things with him and he does not appreciate it.
    That doesn't mean I am better than him. That means he is taking advantage of me if he don't care.

     
    Old 05-23-2007, 09:33 AM   #13
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    you ARE better than him and don't let anyone tell you differently.....

    you need to get this clown out of your house and out of your life.....

    yes you ARE being taken advantage of and I'm glad you see that.

     
    Old 05-23-2007, 09:57 AM   #14
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    Coming in a little late on this one, didn't read all the posts so sorry if I repeat something but what about a compromise? I agree, I don't really like the way he put it to you, but for me, if I lived with and shared a bed with someone, and they didn't come to bed until 2am every night, I would be upset too, not because I "couldn't sleep without them beside me," that is a rather needy way to put it, but for me, it would be because having someone come in, move around, jiggle the bed by getting into it, rolling around getting situated in the covers, etc. would wake me up, no matter how quiet they tried to be. I'm a rather light sleepter sometimes and you can always sense when someone else's presence is in the room, the energy in the room changes, no matter how quiet you try to be. It would be really irritating to me to go to bed at 11pm, midnight, get into a good REM cycle, then be jossled out of it every night by someone coming to bed at 2am. I'd have a problem with it too, especially if I had to get up at 6 or 7am to go to work all day.

    Perhaps you could meet him halfway? Like go up to bed with him three nights a workweek and set your own time the rest of the week. Have a talk with him to try to come to some meeting of the minds. Perhaps he even gave you the whole "i need you next to me" schpeel because he thought you'd be insulted by the less sensitive, less romantic, "you wake me up out of a sound sleep when you come to bed a good three hours after I do, and then I'm tired and cranky all the next day."

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 05-23-2007 at 09:59 AM.

     
    Old 05-23-2007, 10:04 AM   #15
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ash519 View Post
    Hey- I could be completely wrong here but maybe he is insecure that you are on the internet all night. The internet can be a sore spot in some relationships seeing as it opens every window possible to do naughty things.

    My bf doesnt go to bed when I do, usually a 2 or so hours later so once in a while I ask him to come to bed with me. Maybe you can compromise and 1 or 2 nights/week you can do that. I think I may feel a tad uncomfortable if my bf was on the internet until 3 and 4 am ALL the time. I'm sure it wouldnt be too bad, but it may bug me from time to time. (we dont have internet though).

    Good luck!
    I do go to bed same time with him 3 to 4 nights every week. I think this is such a small and petty issue but wehn I say that to him, he freaks out. He even got so agrovated about it last night he said, I'd like to hit you with something! A pillow! It sounds funny like a joke but it was not for him. He was snorting mad about this. And i think the only reason he threw in the pillow thing is because I called the cops about a month ago on a man I saw punch his wife/gf Im not sure but it was a woman none the less and I said out load God forbid a man EVER hit me cause I will put their butt in jail and sue the crap out of them!
    He knows I'd call the police in a second.
    With his type of arguing... It's always something small and nothing I know about till right when he blows up about it. I have a teenager about 14 in the family... She tosses fit like this when she don't get to go to a party with her friends or her parents wont take her where she wants to go when she wants, etc... Kicking, yelling one sec, then trying sweet talk the next, flapping arms around, storming in the room, out of the room, in the room out of the room. He stomps in the room and says what HE has to say then as soon as I start to speak, he storms out shaking his arms over his head, flips my light off and slams the door, packs his clothes, tells me I'll be alone, puts his stuff in his car and 2 times even drove down the road and came right back! He called me *****, ****, liar (i'm a liar because i don't come to bed when he does and apparently once when about a month after he moved in I said that I said "I'm going to be getting up a little more early because I have to go with mom to some Dr apts"). YEA, that was like 3 times in a week, not the rest of my life and I never said it like it was. Can you say DISTORTED. Anyway, if I say that's not true! You're so rude! He'll say, "I know you are but what am I"? over and over like he is in 4th grade or something. He'll make stupid looking faces and say, "nahhhhh, nahhhhhhh" then shake his butt like a kid who is mocking his mother. It drives me nuts. The flapping arms and stomping in and running up into my face has been getting worse little by little. My mom was here once and saw it and she said she could see it in his eyes that he wanted to hit me. This was over cutting his sandwich with the same knife I just cut moms with and it had a tiny bit of mayonnase on it, he flipped out and went into teenager mode. I told him he needed anger management. He said oh BS, that's what all you women say! WHATTT? That made me figure all these other girls over the last 15 yrs NONE have stayed with him more than 3 months. So why am I with him? Well... These fits only come about once every 3 weeks. But when they do they are BAD/unreal.
    I hate to just drop him over a once every 3 weeks or so flip out. He has not hit me and I hope he never does... But I have felt leery turning my back on his several times and I have avoided talking to him about things that "I" don't like just to avoid him going into hissy fit mode.
    My friend thinks he is trying to hide his true self till he gets me pregnant and then the real him will show cause I'll be stuck with him one way or another then and can't leave him like the others.
    I have seen his brother use and get things from women the same as he is getting from me right now, then after one big rip off he goes out with a bang and his mom covers up for him. He screwed a girl with lupus (spelling?) into thinking he lovvvved her, then talked her into buying him a car and loaning him $5,000. WELL, he ran off and tried to pay his ex with that money to get back together with him (which she wouldn't), he was sneaking around doing drugs behind her back and ended up spending it on getting his friends a bunch of drugs. Lucky for her she got the van back and put it in her name which still does not cover her losses or hurt. This guy takes advantage of women like that over and over... He's bipolar and wont accept treatment, no one will make him so tis just goes on and on. He meets a well off girl, she lifts his life by putting him in better situation living wise, then sneaks around getting high, spending her money selling her things which he says he don;t know where they are or someone stole them, etc. till he gets caught and either they do or don't jail him... This is a smart girl too! He's just that slick and believable.
    NOW here I am worried my guy is that way. Hi mom swears he's never been in trouble, is a good guy, is nooooothing like his brother, etc... Well I have seen her lie for his brother more than once to a sobbing, girl he scammed.
    Ok, enough about that.. Someone mentioned, I HAVE to feel better after getting this off my chest and your right-I DO! :-)
    My family thinks my bf just needs a comfy place to stay right now till he gets caught up and back on his feet with his business, etc., etc., and that once he gets more money, he'll be demanding more and more of me. I have nothing left to give this guy! I've given all I have including myself!

     
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