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  • Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

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    Old 05-26-2007, 12:26 PM   #31
    hillaryb
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    OP, don't get mad and stop reading replies-this is a good way to get lots of different perspectives. If you don't agree, move on. Really, I used to get mad at replies to my posts until I realized that seeing how others see YOU is a great tool! Hope you read my earlier response. I don't think you are a cold fish and I don't think she is just a weepy psychopath. Good luck with whatever happens. Either way, this is all going to be a learning experience for you, even if it kind of stinks at the moment. If you break up, you are one step closer to figuring out what you want and hopefully you will take the experience and use it to grow. If you don't then maybe you both will have learned valuable tools to help you get along and relate better. Either way something good can come out of these types of experiences. You just have to be open and go with it all. Keep us posted.

     
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    Old 05-26-2007, 12:32 PM   #32
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    Haha wow that was some thick sarcasm, not that I blame you - it's gotta be hard getting this many posts that are pointing at you.

    Either way, I still think you both did a few things wrong. If someone told me I couldn't get a bag if that's what I wanted, I would feel pretty annoyed, myself. I tend to get silent (albeit ANGRILY silent, not 'pouty') when something ticks me off if it's minor, because I won't feel like talking about it when I know it's going to pretty much go away in no time anyway.

    Still, her tantrum was way out of left field. If nothing else, talk to her about THAT. Cause that is scary, and even if the tension was building all day, and she thought this was leading towards breaking up - well, she should've kept the freak out to herself. I've had some horrible weeping sessions where I just want to throw things - but I wait until I'm *alone*. Yikes!

    On a side note, I saw my mother only cry once while growing up - however, I know she did so far more often. She kept it between herself and my stepdad, however. She wanted to be strong for us, and is typically a very cheerful person to begin with. So I can relate to that. I see her cry more now that we're adults - for varied reasons, though still not often. But I'm very close to her and know she's a very sensitive person. Granted, I also never once heard my stepfather raise his voice (or her to him) in disagreement, nor any heated arguments (they kept that between them too - I have some high expectations for respect in my relationships as a result!).

    Anyway, likely doesn't mean as others may have guessed that your mother is stoic or super insensitive - she might just have kept it from her kids to keep up the strong-mom persona. I know mine did!

     
    Old 05-26-2007, 02:41 PM   #33
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    If she wanted to get a bag, then she should have turned right around and gotten a bag. Whining and complaining about having to carry a jar of sauce? The entire exchange sounds like something that took place between an insensitive father and his six year old daughter.
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    Old 05-26-2007, 05:30 PM   #34
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by nkfrisk View Post
    You're right, that's why I took the jar back and carried it myself along with all the other things I was holding. My rule of not wasting a plastic bag just to carry a little jar for a couple minutes was deemed too strict and tyrannical. I didn't deny her the right to get a plastic bag, I just decided that it was better to do without her help. .
    This is the hard part about getting adivce over the internet. None of us was there, we did not see the interaction and who got snarky first, who used wht tone, etc. But from your initial telling of the story, you asked her to carry the bottle, she had no problem with it until you INSISTED she carry it by hand rather than in a bag. i can only assume your tone even at that point was rather rude or at least short but I don't know, I wasn't there. She pouted, again, an immature response, no one here is letting her off the hook, but then you further escalated by snapping bag "oh, fine, I'll carry it myself!!" and, again I'm assuming, snatching it away from her in a short, demeaning manner. It usually takes two to escalate a situation or a disagreement to such a degree. Again, not letting her off the hook, not hammering you down, either, just suggesting you just take an objective look at your contribution to the situation.


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by nkfrisk View Post
    I'm clearly a cold, unfeeling person to have taken my girlfriend to lunch, paid for the meal as I always do ... and then how heartless of me to get mildly annoyed that she wouldn't even carry a little jar of sauce without kicking up a fuss! (the sauce was to be used to make dinner, which she would share in the benefit of consuming). But my biggest sin was to grow annoyed after a day of silent-treatment and pouting. I should have given an outpouring of sympathy and apologized for being a stone-hearted lout. .

    This sort of suggests to me that you think you did absolutely nothing wrong. And even just in writing, I sense a definite attitude, which I surely would not want to be on the receiving end of in person. But maybe you're right, again, I don't know for sure, I wasn't there, but if you think you did absolutely nothing at all wrong, then why are you with someone so difficult to get along with? But to add, as a woman, I can tell you that buying meals and making meals are all well and good, but it DOESN'T make up for treating somene with disrespect. It doesn't matter how much money you spend or how many meals you cook for her, if you then turn around and treat her with respect or chastise her and speak to her like she's a five year old, then all the money you spent and all that is kind of moot. Above anything else, a woman wants to feel loved, respected, cherished, admired and valued by her SO. Without that, you got nothing. Everything else is gravy.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by nkfrisk View Post
    But I can't help how I am! .
    Well, actually I think you could if you really wanted to. Just out of curiousity, is this your first very serious relationship? I dont' recall you saying how old the both of you are, is she much younger than you? Is this the first time a woman has had a bad, negative or weepy reaction to the way you have spoken to or treated her?


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by nkfrisk View Post
    According to someone's amazingly accurate conjecture, my mother had no empathy and my father was aggressive and abusive ...so now I think it's normal for men to treat women in such manner (and for women to accept it without protest). And so the cycle of abuse continues. If my girlfriend continues to be difficult, I will try to have her medicated and stabilized.

    Well, that was me, and I can't tell if you were being serious or sarcastic here, if you were serious, I'm sorry you went through that. I actually don't think I said I was sure you actually went through that. I just said my ex had, and he exhibited bahaviors similar to the one you yourself described of yourself, and I knew why my ex acted the way he did. I was just speculating as to why you may have acted the same way.

    If your girlfriendcontinues to be difficult, you can SUGGEST she see a doctor and get a diagnosis. If a trained professional determines she has bi polar disorder, anxiety, or some other kind of personality disorder and suggests medication, she can decide whether to take it or not, and you can decide if you want to stay with her if she chooses not to. But to hold a gun to her head and say "get to a doctor and take medication or I'm leaving you!" is rather unfair, and yes, sorry to say, rather controlling. You're her boyfriend not her dad. you don't have the right to insist or make that decision for her to get on medication. You can let her know you're worried about her, concerned for her health and well being, and concerned about the fight and that you don't want to go through that again, especially what happened in the car, that was very dangerous for both of you, and that you feel perhaps she may need some help in getting her emotions under better control, but then she has the right to choose not to. The only thing you have the right to decide is whether or not to stay with her and keep the relationship as she/it is.

     
    Old 05-26-2007, 09:19 PM   #35
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    Just wanted to add that he never said he was going to be doing the cooking for the dinner that was going to parktake of the sauce they bought... just that they were going to use the sauce in the dinner they were making for that particular night, which leads me to believe she was probably the one doing the cooking, haha.

     
    Old 05-27-2007, 12:03 AM   #36
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    okay i'm putting my two cents in.....
    I have read all of the posts and agree with the girls who are on his side not opposing him.
    First off he asked her to carry it, who cares if it had a bag or not, she shouldn't even have to question him for a bag she should just carry the jar and not be such a baby about it i mean how hard is it carry a little jar while he is carrying everything else???
    He probably got a tone with her what man doesn't? when he notices that she doesn't want to carry it!

    Also in response to the man who started this post, you need to break up with her asap, b/c you have already stated that she cries alot over little situations
    there is alot of things that come into play with that situation, it may be hormones, but it could be a attention thing, was she spoiled alot growing up? the only reason why i ask that is b/c my boyfriend's ex girlfriend cried over every little thing( i know the girl personally) and it was for her to get some kind of attention, he put up with that for 2 years, and now b/c she was like that everytime i cry he automatically goes back to thinking that i am going to be like her.... she needs serious help fast or you won't make it you will end up hating her

     
    Old 05-27-2007, 05:39 AM   #37
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    Oh my gosh...if my husband expected me to carry some huge jar of pasta sauce...I'd be mad too! If I was a six year old spoiled rotten brat! Your gf has some major spoiled brat issues and I doubt that would ever change. These are the things that you need to realize are happening in this relationship and not try and ignore them. I can see it now...you get married and you have a couple kids and she stays home all day with the kids and after you work a 10 hour work day 6 days a week, she expects you to DO YOUR PART with the kids because she's had them all day and it's your turn NOW...HAHAHA! You can't even imagine how many marriages I've seen break up over just this behavior!!!!! You need to move on from this one!

     
    Old 05-27-2007, 05:49 AM   #38
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ILYF View Post
    Oh my gosh...if my husband expected me to carry some huge jar of pasta sauce...I'd be mad too! If I was a six year old spoiled rotten brat! Your gf has some major spoiled brat issues and I doubt that would ever change. These are the things that you need to realize are happening in this relationship and not try and ignore them. I can see it now...you get married and you have a couple kids and she stays home all day with the kids and after you work a 10 hour work day 6 days a week, she expects you to DO YOUR PART with the kids because she's had them all day and it's your turn NOW...HAHAHA! You can't even imagine how many marriages I've seen break up over just this behavior!!!!! You need to move on from this one!

    So when two people have kids, the man comes home after working for 10 hours, sits down and then expects his wife to now also look after him, aswell as carry on looking after their kids and running the home 24/7.

    Looking after kids is working, and it is a 24 hour shift.

    Is that supposed to be fair? I think not

    Anyway there was nothing to suggest that the OP would treat his wife in that way anyhow.

     
    Old 05-27-2007, 06:20 AM   #39
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    Treat his wife that way? I don't understand what you mean...I'm talking about the wife expecting the man to do everything...work all the time and come home and work at home too. No taking care of kids isn't an easy job but it is a job that many women choose rather than working outside the home. I certainly wouldn't expect my husband to work all the time and come home and do my job when he gets home too. I'm not saying to sit on the couch and watch TV the whole time they are home either though My point is that she can't even carry a freakin' bottle of pasta sauce...what's next in the relationship? It's just a scenario of what's to come with this spoiled brat woman!!!!!

    Oh and is your GF unstable? Absolutely...who in their right mind screams and hollers and pulls their hair out over something so silly? Her freak out is what you'd more expect if you found out someone was having an affair.

    Last edited by ILYF; 05-27-2007 at 06:34 AM.

     
    Old 05-27-2007, 06:34 AM   #40
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    Thats right, I also wouldn't expect any husband to come home after working, and then look after the kids entirely on his own. But, yes he should do 'his part' of looking after the kids, and that is to share the responsibility with his wife when he gets in from work. Otherwise I don't think it is fair.

    Anyhow, this is getting off topic, the point of the pasta, is not so much that she can't carry a jar of pasta, or even didn't want to, it was more about the fact that he didn't want her to fetch a bag for it, cause HE didn't feel it necessary.

    In my opinion that is where the problem started.

     
    Old 05-27-2007, 06:52 AM   #41
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    No, the problem started when he had his hands full upon leaving the restaurant and she was inconsiderate not offer help. Once she had the jar she continued to complain and lagged behind, obviously whining about the bag, very annoying over a stupid jar of sauce. If I was him I would have thrown the jar out, it was the problem. What will happen if the Christmas tree falls on top of him does he need to say, "Hey, Honey would you mind lifting the tree off me"LOL, not noticing that your SO needs your assistance is a problem, although minor in regards to the jar, but significant in the type of person she is. His attitude towards her in a whole other subject and her reaction scary. Whoever said it is like a father/daughter relationship I agree. She needs a softer man or the situation may become abusive for both, who knows what she is capable of doing if pushed to the edge.

    Last edited by marie72; 05-27-2007 at 07:08 AM.

     
    Old 05-27-2007, 07:06 AM   #42
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    Like I said, - in my opinion thats where the problem started

     
    Old 05-27-2007, 07:21 AM   #43
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by nkfrisk View Post
    I always refuse plastic bags when I can, because they're not biodegradable. I can't imagine why someone with both hands free would need a plastic bag to hold a small jar, to walk a couple blocks to the car. When she had such an attitude about it, it just ****** me off so i grabbed it from her so that she could walk unfettered.
    I feel the same way about environmental issues and wouldnt consider using a bag unless it was absolutely necessary, but it wouldnít even occur to me to tell my bf if and when he could use a bag - that's his choice.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by nkfrisk View Post
    As for the crying, I can understand that women tend to be more emotional and may shed a few tears when upset. But prolonged crying and sobbing over a minor grievance is just too much to handle.
    Itís highly unlikely she was crying and sobbing simply because you opposed her getting a bag for the sauce; lets get real here.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by nkfrisk View Post
    I only recall a few instances when I've ever seen my mother cry--when my grandmother died, when my uncle died, when she had a major fight with my dad, and when she was recovering from cancer treatment. For someone to weep just because they don't appreciate my tone ...it's either indecent, or it's emotional blackmail.
    What you've got to remember is that your gf is not your mother. You cant expect every woman you meet to behave as she does. Also, if a person is capable of turning on the waterworks deliberately and creating such a hysterical display simply in order to emotionally blackmail somebody, they may deserve scorn for it, but itís such a highly unusual talent, they also deserve an oscar.

    Dont you think it's more likely that she was genuinely extremely upset? And dont you think it's likely there's a reason for it that goes beyond what you're seeing here?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by nkfrisk View Post
    I admit that I get irritated sometimes and then speak with a critical tone.
    I have a feeling that "critical tone" you're talking about might have a lot more to do with this situation than a jar of pasta sauce.

     
    Old 05-27-2007, 07:51 AM   #44
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    Wow. Almost 50 responses over a jar of sauce -- not to mention the initial pouting, silent treatment, pulling of the hair, suicidal threats -- am I missing anything?

    I'm not trying to make light of your situation, OP; I'm really not. But if you're in an otherwise healthy relationship, a snipity convo after a meal should NOT result in something like this, i.e., what I mentioned above, you turning to the internet over this, 50 responses from said internet. That right there must tell you something, you know? If this is what happens over a jar of sauce after a meal -- and I agree we ALL have our off days -- can you imagine when you have something major serious hit your relationship?

    I'm also curious how you're doing and how things went after all of this with the GF.

    I can't help but notice how delicate society has become after reading these responses. I have great respect for everyone who's posted -- I always look forward to and enjoy reading their posts on a number of topics -- but, geezalou. Is it really wrong to tell someone what to do anymore? I mean, yes, there is a line that can be crossed when it happens too much or if it's done in a nasty way, but DH sucks at cleaning the house. I love him more than life, and I can say this. I have to tell him what to do, or I'll have to do it over. Sad, but true. Even yesterday, he starts by cleaning all the floors. I have to tell him, "No, sweetie. Top to bottom, unless you want to clean the floors again. Start with the pictures, windows, move down to couches & tables, then end with the floors."

    And I expect the same from him when I help him with the yard and garage, "Tell me what to do." And if using certain tones will help get his point across, by golly, do it.

    DH & I have had so many similar instances after dinners out at restaurants. We're full, we're ready to go and get out of the place. If we're all going to assume OP forcefully made the choice for her about the bag because of the way he saw his mother and father interact, how about this assumption: He saw a quicker, easier, simpler remedy for the situation and voiced it? The GF, for whatever reason -- unstable, brat, hormonal, immature, needy, "sensitive," wearing a white dress -- took it the wrong way?

    There are some folks in this world who interpret everything as a "conflict." The GF might be one of them.

     
    Old 05-27-2007, 08:02 AM   #45
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    To NKFRISK,
    What has happened since your first post? If your both unhappy with the relationship then you need to discuss these issues, you will have ups and downs. I read once, that once the down times get more than the up times that's when you need to re-evaluate your relationship, especially if you are both considering marriage. You seem like the type of guy that wants to talk everything out as it happens, she seems to be a bit like me, I shut down, rethink everything that's happened and then come back when I'm calmer to discuss it. My way sometimes does not work because by then it's blown over and never dealt with. I am changing to deal with the situation immediately and not do the silent treatment. I don't use the silent treatment as a tool towards the other person, I just need my time to calm down, especially if I'm hurt. Sometimes we think you should know us well enough to read our minds, and that's a big mistake because we are assuming you get us, and you don't!

     
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