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nkfrisk 05-24-2007 09:09 PM

Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?
 
I seem to get into these arguments with my girlfriend over ridiculous things. We were having a nice lunch at a restaurant and I bought a jar of home-made pasta sauce on the way out. I was holding my computer bag, gym stuff and an umbrella so I asked if she could hold the jar for me, since she only had her handbag. She wanted to go back in the restaurant for a plastic bag, but I said we didn't need the bag just for 1 jar. She kept complaining and started lagging behind me in proteest as we walked a couple blocks. I got irritated, snatched the jar back and said that I'd hold everything myself since it was too much to ask of her. For the rest of the day, she had a sulking, antisocial attitude towards me.

I was driving her home at night and said sarcastically that I really enjoyed the silent treatment all day. She said that my tone towards her was rude and I replied that her behavior was much ruder than my tone. She started crying, which she often does. I said that she should discuss what's on her mind instead of behaving this way. But she cried even harder (i would call it weeping) and I grew more irritated. I told her it was indecent to cry over a petty argument, as if some close relative had died. I don't know if crying is a tactic to seek comfort, but it just seems to spawn the opposite reaction in me. She was just so morose that finally I told her if she really thinks I treat her so poorly that she has to react this way, we should just end it now for her own sake. I don't want to be with someone who appears so unhappy with me.

Next, she went completely hysterical. She was sobbing and I was very irritated and tried to ignore her. But then she started screaming, pulling her hair and pounding her head and said that she didn't want to live. I screamed back that I was driving and that she was going to cause an accident. Finally, I had to pull over to restrain her. She seemed to have completely lost it and was sobbing uncontrollably. I've never seen someone break down like that. We just sat there for half an hour until she was calmer. Then she became very tender, held my arm and said that she loved me. Eventually, I took her home, told her to get some rest and said we'd talk tomorrow.

We've been together for a year, but now I'm starting to think that our personalities are mismatched. I just find sulking and gratuitous crying so unattractive in a woman and would like to be with someone who handles things more maturely. But now I really have to worrry about her emotional stability, given what happened last night. What should I do now?

Seraph 05-24-2007 09:51 PM

Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?
 
Is this the first time that this has happened? If she does this all the time, then that is a problem. If it is an isolated occurence, then, it may be hormones ore something like that. You may be right that there is some underlying problem that she needs to talk about, but you would need to care what it is a bit more than you seem to before she will confide in you. I would be interested in hearing her version of events too. Yes, you were right, yes she shouldn't have been sulky, and I think you handled it badly to tell the truth. I got that you didn't care what her problem was, and I think it was clear to her as well. I agree with you, you need a tougher, less emotional GF as, like a lot of men, you can be a bit unfeeling

TANKG!RL 05-24-2007 10:47 PM

Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?
 
Wow, that's very immature reaction from her. All this over a jar of sauce, I'd hate to see what she'd be like if it was something actually serious. She definitely needs some medical help. Has she ever done anything like this in the past year? Is there possibly anything going on in her family that could have brought this out? How Old is she?

happymom28 05-25-2007 05:34 AM

Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?
 
Yes, the pasta sauce thing was petty. The whole sulky attitude after the fact was very immature. Does she often react this way when you ask her to do something for you? Has she had melt downs like this for any other reason in the past?

I completely understand why you were annoyed. Logically you would think there is some underlying reason for her to act like that, but sometimes there isn't.

If this is a first I urge you to talk to her and see if there is something else going on. It could be that she is uneasy talking about something very sensitive and handled it badly. Or it could have been hormonal. An isolated incident wouldn't have me too worried (uless of course it started happening again over something so petty).

If this is something that happens all the time then I would definately question her stability. Is this the first time she said she "doesn't want to live" during an argument (very manipulative move by the way)? This could be her way of getting what she wants. Pouting like a child and making you feel sorry for her. Personally I wouldn't be able to put up with it either. I expect a certain level of maturity in relationships and it seems you do to. If this is a pattern then I think it would be best for you to find yourself a better match and let her find a man she can pout to.

Tivo123 05-25-2007 05:41 AM

Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?
 
She sounds like a psycho to me. I'd get away from her if I were you! :(

Seraph 05-25-2007 05:45 AM

Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?
 
I would still like to hear HER version of what happened before and during. She just wanted a bag, HE is the one who madethe point of her carrying it. HE is the one who spoke sarcastically. Is this how he generally treats her?? Ignores her request for a bag, snatches the jar back, tells her she is sulking when she doesn't like him doing that, accuses her of being ruder than he was, and when she got upset at THIS, he tells her she is indecent to cry over this. Please.....!! When she continues to be even sadder at these comments, he threatens to leave her. Just my take on the story, and there are two (at least) versions. Open mind OP. think about it.

Blastoff9600 05-25-2007 05:56 AM

Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?
 
I agree with Seraph we only have his side to go by. One also has to consider she might have some underlying problem say a family issue or such.
If the original OP dislikes women crying then if you ever have kids you might want move out the day you find out your SO is pregnant. The reason I say that is pregnant women have little control over emotions and cry over far less than what your gf was crying over. Hormones can really mess with some women even when they arent pregnant.
If you are always treating her this way its no wonder she lost it the way she did. BUt we dont know because you posted your side.

happymom28 05-25-2007 06:10 AM

Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?
 
I agree that we only have one side of the story. She wanted a bag for a jar of sauce. I'm guessing it wasn't a big jar and therefore didn't warrant a bag, but then I could be wrong. There are some women out there who don't believe they should have to carry anything (and remember his hands were full). Also, don't forget she said "I don't want to live" when all this was going on. Rational people don't usually spout this out during an argument. I think her side of the story would be a good addition but I don't think we will get it.

OP, it's really quite simple. If she acts like this all the time then it's bad news. If this was a one time deal then it's worth realizing that there could have been another factor that she didn't talk about.

brook65 05-25-2007 06:37 AM

Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?
 
[QUOTE=Seraph;3004463]I would still like to hear HER version of what happened before and during. She just wanted a bag, HE is the one who madethe point of her carrying it. HE is the one who spoke sarcastically. Is this how he generally treats her?? Ignores her request for a bag, snatches the jar back, tells her she is sulking when she doesn't like him doing that, accuses her of being ruder than he was, and when she got upset at THIS, he tells her she is indecent to cry over this. Please.....!! When she continues to be even sadder at these comments, he threatens to leave her. Just my take on the story, and there are two (at least) versions. Open mind OP. think about it.[/QUOTE]

I must admit I was thinking this way also..

The snatching the jar for instance, sounds a tad agressive, and maybe she justifyably wanted to put it into a bag, surely thats her choice if she is to carry it .

Maybe her bad reaction was as of result of a build up of tension between the two of you.

You sound to me that you were in quite a bad mood that day, and she reacted to that.

Just my opinion.

Laylah 05-25-2007 07:02 AM

Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?
 
[QUOTE=brook65;3004549]I must admit I was thinking this way also..

The snatching the jar for instance, sounds a tad agressive, and maybe she justifyably wanted to put it into a bag, surely thats her choice if she is to carry it .

Maybe her bad reaction was as of result of a build up of tension between the two of you.

You sound to me that you were in quite a bad mood that day, and she reacted to that.

Just my opinion.[/QUOTE]

I share this opinion. Maybe there was a build up of all sorts of things and they all just manifested themselves in the form of a jar of pasta sauce, or rather the bag the OP would not allow her to procure for it.

OP; I'm just curious to know why you made a big deal out of her wanting a bag to carry the sauce in? Surely if she was carrying it, it was up to her whether or not she wanted a bag?

Tivo123 05-25-2007 07:44 AM

Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?
 
I'm in agreement with the others that crying in and of itself is not the problem, and you really need to lighten up on that because that's what women do. We cry when we get upset. Deal with it!

But the part that leads me to believe that she is a psycho is this part:

[quote]But then she started screaming, pulling her hair and pounding her head and said that she didn't want to live.[/quote]

Ok, on my worst day, when I've cried due to an argument with my boyfriend, I have NEVER done that before! Regardless of anything else, this is the part that is really psycho behavior and needs to be addressed.

And about the bag, when I read it, I interpreted it as her telling you to get a bag so that you could carry it. But the others here thought you meant that she wanted a bag for herself to carry it. I'd like some clarification on which it was - did she expect you to carry it along with everything else and THAT is why she told you to get a bag? Or did she say she wanted a bag so SHE could carry it and instead you got mad and said no she couldn't have a bag? Because that makes a difference to me in what the answer is that I would give you about it.

Destea 05-25-2007 09:36 AM

Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?
 
The post above pretty much covers it - I definitely think your gf's reaction (specifically the pulling hair/hitting head/I don't want to live) was borderline-FREAKY. Totally inappropriate. I agree that crying, and sometimes weeping, during an arguement on a particularly hormonal or stressful day is not uncommon for most women. Even when I'm angry my stupid eyes well up! I can't help it!

I think you were being pretty snippy and unsupportive the entire argument, and I know sometimes tears can definitely frustrate men in arguments as it's not their natural tendency when upset - and probably feels manipulative when really it can just be hard to avoid for most of us - I'd rather NOT cry, personally, but that doesn't always work out :\

Still... her reaction was over the top. You could probably use a few lessons on being patient and kind, and she could definitely use a little help with outbursts like that - totally uncalled for and as I said above - really just FREAKY :)

jen52983 05-25-2007 12:53 PM

Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?
 
Is this the first time she's ever really freaked out like that?

I have to agree with some of the others, that maybe you're tone with her was condesending. So she wanted a plastic bag, what's the big deal?! The same can be said for her.. its a jar of sauce, you don't need a bag. Both sides are petty in this issue. Girls by nature are emotional people, we can't always control it. And we definitely will not open up about our problems if we feel it is being demanded, or that we'll be patronized for how we feel. Yes, if there is a problem she should come to you and talk about it... but yelling at her to tell you what's wrong will most certainly not put her in the mood for a deep and meaningful conversation.

Now... as for the banging of her head, taring at her hair and saying she doens't want to live.... either she's a total attention w***e or she has some deep emotional issues that she needs to work on... probably with a professional!

If she's acted this way before, then I have to ask why you have stayed with her. There's nothing wrong with wanting a strong and mature woman (and even they get emotional sometimes!). If you don't feel that that is your GF, then sounds like time to move on. If this behavior is new for your GF then there is probably something more serious going on, either not having to do with you at all, or maybe she's realizing too that you two are no longer compatible and doesn't know how to handle that.

One things for sure, if you want to find out what's wrong you will have to try to be more sensetive.

Bracelet 05-25-2007 02:12 PM

Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?
 
I think that you both totally overreacted and need to step back from this situation. I don't think you should be so condescending with her, and that's probably why she cries all the time. If you wouldn't be so mean to your gf then maybe she wouldn't be pulling out her hair and threatening to kill herself. I mean, really. There comes a point where you have to look in the mirror and ask yourself whether you may have caused this with your behavior. If you're unsupportive and mean to her when she is already crying, then no wonder she gets hysterical. She probably thinks you don't care about her or her feelings.

This isn't about a jar of pasta sauce, this is about you not being caring enough when she's upset to try to understand why she is so upset and trying to work it out before she gets to the point of being hysterical because you won't show her any sympathy or kindness.

nkfrisk 05-25-2007 08:02 PM

Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?
 
I always refuse plastic bags when I can, because they're not biodegradable. I can't imagine why someone with both hands free would need a plastic bag to hold a small jar, to walk a couple blocks to the car. When she had such an attitude about it, it just ****** me off so i grabbed it from her so that she could walk unfettered.

As for the crying, I can understand that women tend to be more emotional and may shed a few tears when upset. But prolonged crying and sobbing over a minor grievance is just too much to handle. I only recall a few instances when I've ever seen my mother cry--when my grandmother died, when my uncle died, when she had a major fight with my dad, and when she was recovering from cancer treatment. For someone to weep just because they don't appreciate my tone ...it's either indecent, or it's emotional blackmail.

I admit that I get irritated sometimes and then speak with a critical tone. But I don't see why this has to be the focus of everyone's analysis, and not the inconsiderate and unreasonable behavior that drove me to be this way. And having a woman accompany me in public with the demeanor of a battered wife is not too pleasant either.

The crying routine happens quite often, but this was the first time she went completely hysterical, almost causing a traffic accident.


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