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skygirl 05-27-2007 06:04 AM

My Mother is driving me insane
I'm almost 60 years old and all my life mother has treated me different than my other sibilings.She physically abused me until I got married and then the verbal abuse started.

I often wonder what I did as a child to make her feel the way she does. My dad was my lifeline.

Mother was jealous of any woman that my dad was around, I can't count the times we moved from church to church because in her mind daddy was looking at another woman. She was jealous of my relationship with my dad.

My son has been on drugs and alcohol for years, he was in a wreck that has left him in a wheelchair for a few months. Mother said it's my fault because I sinned 40 years ago and my son is paying for it.

Mother made my dad's life a living h--l and when he was no longer able to work she treated him like dirt until he died.

Mother married again to a wonderful man, and she started the jealous again soon after their marriage. She kept him away from his sibilings, no one was really welcome. Then he got sick and mother refused to hire a caregiver saying she would take care of him. She let it slipped one day that she had hit him and I went off on her saying that was a no no you do not abuse him. In his last 3 months she would let him lie in an urine soaked bed for a couple of days until I would find him and clean him up and then she would tell me to leave him alone that I was making over him to much. If he needed to use the urinal at night she would tell him to pee in his diaper and then she wouldn't change it.

I finally had him removed from the home and Hospice took over and found a nice private rest home for him. He died in March, but, was treated with respect and love from the staff. His family finally was able to visit him there.

Last weekend mother called and said you think I don't know you're the one that told on me for hitting him don't you.

I've been thinking about just staying away from her, I can't take it anymore, here I am almost 6o and my whole like has been in turmoil.

My 2 sisters knew of the abuse and just said she's our mother and you can't report her, she has been good to us. I told them maybe good to you but never good to me, my dad or stepdad.

Would it be wrong for me to just stay away from her? I had hope that one day before we died she would show she loved me but now I see that is never going to change.

Laylah 05-27-2007 06:48 AM

Re: My Mother is driving me insane
[QUOTE=skygirl;3007901]Would it be wrong for me to just stay away from her? I had hope that one day before we died she would show she loved me but now I see that is never going to change.[/QUOTE]

Dear Skygirl, it's a very rare thing that a post will bring tears to my eyes, but yours just did. You have asked would it be wrong of you to just stay away from your mother; in my honest opinion, it would be wrong of you to maintain contact with her. It would be wrong of you to do yourself the great disservice of allowing yourself to continue to be abused, and you [I]are[/I] being abused here, it's just that it's emotional and psychological now and that sort of hurt leaves bruises that you can feel, but not see. They're the worst kind, in my opinion and experience.

I think your mother may well be mentally ill. Judging by the content of your posts, she has spent many years displaying irrational paranoia and jealousy. My mother is an untreated schizophrenic; at 31 I realise I have a lot less life experience than you, but I have enough to know it's not a good idea to maintain constant contact with a psychologically ill mother. You'll break you own heart and these people, I really feel, their illness has a knock on effect, it may as well be contagious in that you will end up with psychological problems of your own just by way of being exposed to her crazy BS.

My mother also regularly abused all her children, and in my opinion should not have been allowed raise a litter of pups. I'm not running her down, she had an illness I wouldnt wish on anybody, and when I think back to the horrible environment that was our home, hers is the position I envy the least.

As for holding out the hope that she will one day show her love for you, I would, with a great deal of sadness, advise you to forget about that. A very many years ago I came to the conclusion that my mother and I will tell and show our love for eachother in the next world, because she is too sick to express her love in this one. I know it's there, but I know just as surely that she cannot show it. It's like insisting that a wheelchair bound person get up and walk. I think you should just accept that she loves you, and equally accept that she cannot show it. Honestly Skygirl, it's the only way to avoid ending up mentally ill yourself.

I hope you find the strength to walk away. I know I'm only sane today because I recognised the need to do that. I wish you all the best and hope you find the stregnth and direction to do the right thing for yourself here.

Seraph 05-27-2007 06:52 AM

Re: My Mother is driving me insane
Having had an abusive mother, I feel the turmoil you are in. I believe that I kept hanging on like you, hoping that there would one day be a spark of caring or love. Like you, I realised one day that it was never going to happen. With that realisation, there came a kind of peace..I guess I realised that I really had done all I could and that I need not try any more, and any power she had over me was simply gone. Stay away, visit, it really makes no difference, if you can accept that your mother is like bad weather, you cannot control or change her. My advice: visit only if and when you need to (surprisingly, that happens sometimes), and leave as soon as she gets abusive or you have had enough of her. She cannot touch you emotionally unless you allow it. Best wishes, Sera

pendulum 05-27-2007 06:54 AM

Re: My Mother is driving me insane

Would it be wrong for me to just stay away from her? I had hope that one day before we died she would show she loved me but now I see that is never going to change.[/QUOTE]

Oh, I can relate to that. But your hope would be almost similar to asking for a miracle to happen! Well, miracles do happen, but it seems - from your account - that this abusive behaviour is so deeply fixed in yourmother that it has become her actual nature. Maybe (please don't be offended) she has some mental disorder, a kind of paranoia, I don't know. Maybe (again don't be offended) she may think that you are not [U]her[/U] daughter, or rather that you are the black sheep of the family, because apparently you are so different, or she may have thought that you are/were more attractive and interesting or simply better than her and would therefore rob her of her lot, if you see what I mean. Anyway, it is a very intricate situation, as if you both were competitors rather than mother and child, and it seems she has no control over these feelings.

I don't think it would be wrong for you to stay away from her. Maybe you should have done that before. I hope you can manage to do that. If she lives close to you, it may be difficult for you. If she depends on her daughters, again your sisters may not accept your backing away. In this case, I would minimize all my contact with her, just do what is strictly necessary and avoid all kinds of conversation and involvement. Don't interfere with her. Just let her have her own way. Don't criticize. Don't approve either. Just try to be indifferent. You may need some time to achieve this. You probably can't do it overnight.

At the same time, try to forgive her (but you don't need to tell her so) on the grounds that she is an unhealthy person. Actually, she should be under treatment, imo.

Good luck. Hope this helped a little.

skygirl 05-27-2007 02:38 PM

Re: My Mother is driving me insane
Thank you all for the support, it means so much just having someone know how I feel.
It seems like everytime I try to stay away I get drawn back in, and then it happens all over again. My husband says he doesn't understand how my siblings can support her behavior, and neither do I.
I still have flash backs of my step dad and how helpless he was and the abuse he suffered.

I'm so depressed having taken this for so long, I just hope this time I can stay away.

Laylah 05-27-2007 07:57 PM

Re: My Mother is driving me insane
If you do stay away, and I hope you do, you may later come to find that a curious thing has happened: I get the impression that your mother shows the worst side of herself to you rather than to your siblings, which would explain why they can excuse her behaviour; they're not experiencing the worst of it. If you leave she will need to nominate somebody else to the position of whipping post, and when that happens at least one of your siblings will have their eyes opened. I'd be staying away for that reason alone; they really need to wake up and realise what's going on here and the only way that'll happen is when they're experiencing it for themselves.

liz49 06-01-2007 09:19 AM

Re: My Mother is driving me insane
Dear Skygirl,
My heart goes out to you. Sometimes people can be so mean-and even though you talk to others about what they are doing, because they can't or won't see it, they don't believe you, and you feel all alone in the pain and confusion that you feel. I know how that is! My MIL has been absolutely horrible to me, but does it only when we are on the phone or alone with no one else around. She has said the mpost painfully cruel things imaginable to me. I have finally decided that she simply cannot be a part of my life in any way. This is my husbands mother and he doesn't believe me--so you can imagine how that makes me feel. No one believes me...she sits like a queen on a throne and acts so sweet and loving to everyone else and spits venom to me if we are alone. People can become sick in their minds and focus that sickness on one person, the one who won't fight back, or the one who has no advocate, I don't know. It sounds like your mother is sick, as is my MIL. You can only protect you, and even though you are alone in this and your sisters are choosing to side with her--one can't help but wonder why--sometimes the best thing is to simply walk away. Hoping that she will change, well, there should always be hope, but then there's reality, she probably won't change. Walk away, you've done all you can and God bless you for caring for your daddy & step daddy. You sound like a really wonderful, loving person. Someday you'll understand your mother and why she acts the way she does--just walk away and live your life without her as a part of it. I wish you all the best. Try to forgive her. It's super hard, but you will feel better--

skygirl 06-02-2007 04:46 AM

Re: My Mother is driving me insane
Dear Liz 49
I feel so sorry for you, and I know exactly how you feel and what it's like to have someone be so cruel to you. I know it hurts even more for no one to believe you.

Your MIL sounds just like my mother, the only difference is my sisters have heard the way mother talks to me, but, they choose to ignore it saying she was good to them, and she was.

I can remember as a small child the way I was treated so different, the beating I got, the way mother never bought me clothes, I wore my cousins hand me downs until I was old enough to work and buy my own. I can remember daddy telling mother she needed to buy me a dress that he was sick and tired of her dressing me in rags.

Yes, I'm the BlackSheep of the family now but I wasn't born that way. Mother was beautiful and a very jealous person, so I wonder since I was the first child and a daddy's girl if she hated me for it.

My youngest sister has always been my mother's favorite and she makes no bones about it .My sister did tell mother a few days ago that she needed to stop being so mean to me that it was hurtful.

I heard all my life how she didn't really love daddy that she was on the rebound . After daddy died she looked her old flame up , she said he looked terrible and was sick so I never heard anything about him again.

When daddy died mother took 1 day off work and her boss asked me what was wrong with her that she had offered her as much time off as she needed. Daddy loved her so much and he was treated like dirt.

She was looking for another man within 2 weeks and found this wonder man and married 1 year after daddy died. Her new husband was treated worse than daddy and I'm sure he died with a broken heart. Hospice told me if anyone need to make things right with him before he died that they needed to do it now, so I told mother and she said she didn't have anything to make right. I knew he probably wouldn't live but a few hours after that so I told her she needed to stay with him and her reply was she needed to stay home with the dogs. I called his brother and sister and they came and stayed the night with him. I called my sister the next morning and she brought mother to see him and he died 10 minutes after she got there. Mother told them if she had known how bad he was she would have stayed.

2 weeks after he died I was sititng on the front porch with her and she said she bet there would be a lot of men talking about how pretty and rich she was and she'd be a good catch. Here she is almost 80 and I just don't see where she's coming from. She is still very pretty and healthy, the only thing I see is she's getting very forgetful.

Yes I know she's mentally ill and I ask myself all the time why so many have suffered because of it.

Liz, you could put a recorder on our phone and let your husband hear how she talks to you.

Thanks for listening.

liz49 06-05-2007 10:33 AM

Re: My Mother is driving me insane
Thanks SKyGirl,
Sorry for your pain.....and no, I won't sink to recording my MIL's conversations, because, for one reason, I won't ever talk to her on the phone again, and two, even if he heard her, it wouldn't make my husband act or feel any differently. He has a blind spot when it comes to his mom. People can be very odd about relatives as you, of all people have noticed. It's ok, though. Let's us just be happy, ok?

jen52983 06-05-2007 12:32 PM

Re: My Mother is driving me insane
I don't believe that it is ever wrong to remove an abuser from your life, or you from theirs. It is sad that it happens to be your mother.. I'm sorry for that. But it hasn't been healthy for you all these years, and it will continue to stay that way. People rarely ever change, especially after such a long time.

Whether she is your mother or not, how can anyone stand by and watch one person abuse another.. or just to know about it? I'm sure it wouldn't be easy to report your mother of such a horrible thing, but look at the bigger picture! I can't believe your siblings just stood silent.

The way I see it, she's not acting very motherly. I'm surprised you've kept her in your life for as long as you have. It's a shame that she can't see what she's doing to you and other people. You have to do what's best for yourself. Having her in your life sounds like it's only hurting you.

prairie_dawn 06-05-2007 01:06 PM

Re: My Mother is driving me insane
I must say too that i am still bawling my eyes out and being a mother myself want to open my arms to you and hold you and tell you everything is ok. I am 33 and can not fathom the thought of abusing my children EVER. I will say I am sorry to the child in you who so desperately needs to have a mothers touch be warm and forgiving. I know you are 30 years my senior but I can not help that here you are begging God to forgive you for not wanting to speak to your mother yet she is the one who should be asking for it for what she did to you. I do understand that there might be mental issues and I hope that she fixes them, doubtedly, but I do hope.

What a great woman you are for helping your stepdad be free of her and what a great man your husband is to stand by your side.

(hugs to you)

And yes I dont think you should speak to her anymore, change your number and be done with her. My mother although it took many years to figure out why does not speak to my grandma. I said she is always great with me but hten years later you see her for what she is. We say mom was the one who was smart although she is considered the black sheep. She doesnt speak to any of them at all but that is a whole other story.

Good luck to you and your husband and your bright future with no drama! At least not too much.

Also I hate hate hate to say this BUUUUUUTTTT there is no statute of limitations when it comes to a child being abuse by a parent. If you are still being abused then you need to do something about it. If your siblings already think the worst of you so what this isnt going to change their minds that is for sure. Maybe she can get help in the hospital. Think before you do. I pray!

skygirl 06-05-2007 03:03 PM

Re: My Mother is driving me insane
Thanks to all of you for the support you have given me, it makes my load so much lighter.
My siblings told me that our loyalty should lie with our mother.

I have wondered how they have justified her abuse to my dad and stepdad, and how they can go to church and pretend to be christains and shut their eyes to everything that has happened. They have said they know what she has done was wrong but never did they step in and try to help me put a stop to it. They told me I had better not ever tell anyone, but, I couldn't stand it so I sought support from Hospice and they helped me to remove him from the home.

My sister told me yesterday that I need to try and get along with mother because she is old and we won't have her for many more years. I wish it was that simple, and yes I had hoped that one day she would show me some love but I know now it will never happen.

I was a caregiver for 35 years and I never saw abuse this bad.

I feel better knowing I'm not alone.

prairie_dawn 06-05-2007 06:08 PM

Re: My Mother is driving me insane
I saw my mother abused by my stepfather(technically) but he was our dad to me in my eyes. I knew my real father but stepdad raised us. I dont remember getting hit too too much(sister more than I) but when I needed it for the most part I got it. He was bad tho because he would jump at the wrong thing and then find out we did something and do nothing. He abused my mother for years and she is still with him. She too saw abuse Mental from her mother and father towards eachother. My grandma too was jeoulous of my grandfather and mothers relationship. SHe loathed it and my mother stopped the cycle by stopping talking to her and her quote is "If she drops dead so be it, I love her but do not have to live that way". Seems harsh I know, how sad but the abuse that that woman did to everyone around her was bad. My father is no better. I can not hear a slap fore I think of my mother 5'2" cowaring in the corner whilst 5'9" stepfather came at her and her screaming his name and saying no stop! And he never stopped. I remember the times where she ran into OUR room looking for sanctuary and he didnt stop. I picture it as tho i was right there right now. My mother whom always ran away with us as children and always wound up going back him then later on went without us.(that was harsh, he browbeat her into thinking he would keep us and she had no rights.). I stopped this nonsense when I moved away for the 2nd time after I left my 1st husband. I moved in with my then boyfriend(now dh) and I never gave them my address and only called them with a phone that was untraceable. they new the vicinity but not the address. I did not want the old mom to come knocking on my door saying oh no he is after me I ran away. I said NO MORE! Now she is still with him and i bite my tounge because he abused my sister more than mentally. SHe did not want to prosecute and I can not force her. But I saw him once in teh last 10 years and I just grit my teeth because I want to see my mom, even though she is screwed up in the head due to her parents. Cant blame her for being a screw up since that is all she knew and didnt have a mom to tell her to say no so she is all screwed up too but in a different way. I love her and would do almost anything for her. But I have to watch out for my kids first and dh. I still panic thinking of those nights taht i was up till 4am listening when I had an exam the next day. I remember why i was such a flirt as a teen and that i didnt respect myself because of how i was raised.

I would have to say that I feel more sorry for you siblings than you. You are trying to stop the cycle as they bury their heads and pretend that all is fine. I cry for them and yet lift you up because you have lasted 60 years and are still trying to do the right thing. It is hard to let your inner child out when you are so hurt and are an adult. When siblings do not want to help you and only want to pretend this didnt happen. I would ask them what if their child came to them saying that their spouse hit them all the time? What would they tell them to do? Woudl they get mad, would they want to have their child file charges? I would hope they say yes....So what is the difference? I am sorry Maybe I am the wrong person to write on this one, but If i had a chance and I could prosecute I would. I would not let anyone tell me I shouldnt jsut because the offender is old. A child molester who is trying to get paroled is visited by the child's abuser at the hearing and that visitor begs the courts for the abuser to stay in jail, since their child will never be the same why should that person have to have a get out of jail free card? So why is your mother different, because she is their mom too? I personally wouldnt care. But then again it didnt happen to them and that is why i feel bad for them because they must have been so exposed to the abuse that they dont think it is anything but normal at this point. How sad for them. and how sad for you.

Again I say I am sorry to the little girl inside you that never had a good childhood growing up and to the adult woman in you that never knew what a mothers love really was. If I were you I would whisper to your mother if you ever had to see her again and tell her "you no longer control me" !

I bet that would make you feel so much better. Painful as welll but surely make you feel better. I wish I could say that to my father.

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