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    Old 06-02-2007, 11:36 AM   #1
    willie040
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    falling for another hard...please help

    i have been in a relationship for 4 years, but have recenty met someone else who has made me really rethink things. i love my girlfriend, her family, and untill i met this second girl, i thought the relationship was everything i wanted. i feel myself falling out of love with my girlfriend. i have not cheated or really done anything to regret, but it has been three months and this new girl is so right on so many levels. and she feels the same way about me. we talk everyday. this girl could be my soul mate if there is such a thing. i'm kind of terrified actually. for 4 years i thought my girlfriend was all i was ever going to need. i recently told the new girl i cant talk to her anymore just so i can get some clarity on this situation. i guess my question is, am i trying to hold back the wind here?? am i going to stop falling out of love and things get back to normal by not talking to the new girl?? and doesnt the fact that i had to take such a drastic step prove that there is really something between me and the new girl?? im worried i am just pushing away the new girl out of fear and guilt. its been 4 days since the new girl and i have stopped talking, an i have been thinking about her more than i did when we talked. how long should i keep silence with the new girl if i keep thinking about her?? so confused... trying so hard to do the right thing, which is hard when i dont know what the right thing is.

     
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    Old 06-02-2007, 12:05 PM   #2
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    Re: falling for another hard...please help

    Willie

    I think you just have to follow your heart here. Your not bad cause you have feelings for some other girl. We can't choose our feelings, and our feelings can change at any time.

    But what would be bad is speaking to this other girl, and seeing her behind your girlfreinds back. You say you think you are falling out of love with your girlfreind, thinking of this other girl a lot, but want to do the right thing! Well, the right thing is not staying with someone to spare their feelings, that is only lieing to her and yourself.

    You don't have children together I am assuming and you are not marrried. The fact that you are developing strong feelings for someone elses says to me that your girlfriend is not the ONE for you.


     
    Old 06-02-2007, 12:31 PM   #3
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    Re: falling for another hard...please help

    Hello

    I'm going to write down some observations and questions I can draw from your piece:

    1. You know your actual girl-friend (let's call her A) very well (four-year relationship); you can't claim to know the second girl (let's call her B) so well, even if she has "disturbed" you so profoundly. What if you get to know B better only to find she is not exactly what you first thought?

    2. A four-year relationship, much like a marriage, can gradually lose its flavour, even if no one else comes along. Do you think you would still be much in love with A if B didn't exist? I mean, do you think A is also responsible for making your relationship less appealing, less interesting? Does A also appear insecure about the relationship?

    3. I presume B has heard about A but A hasn't heard about B. What was the reaction of B when she learnt about A, if she ever did? Did B go on talking to you any way? Or did she only stop when you told her you couldn't talk to her any more? Is B waiting for an answer from you?

    4. I don't know your age and I don't know if you are already engaged to A. How do you think A would take a break-up? Do you currently live close to each other? And if you broke up with A, how long afterwards would you afford to wait until you could be with B?

    5. I think we would need a crystal ball here. You seem to be on a cross-roads in search of definition of your future: which girl? Should you keep going along the same road (with A)? Or should you try out this side-track (with B)that looks so appealing? But what if a third side-track comes your way?

    It is a very difficult choice, and I am afraid nobody can advise you what to do.

    My general impression, however, is that either way you seem to be too "young" to undertake responsibilities. If I were in your shoes, I would try to live my life without making any vows so soon. You seem to be in a period for pure experimentation.

     
    Old 06-02-2007, 12:56 PM   #4
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    Re: falling for another hard...please help

    I think that if it's that easy to fall out of love with the GF and fall for someone else then this current GF of 4 years isn't "The One". Don't stay with someone in body while your heart is with someone else.

     
    Old 06-02-2007, 02:40 PM   #5
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    Re: falling for another hard...please help

    Was the relationship with your girlfriend becoming boring or lacking things that the new girl offers before you met the new girl? I agree with the last poster - if it is that easy for you to question the 4 years you have spent with your girlfriend, she is probably not the one for you.

     
    Old 06-02-2007, 04:29 PM   #6
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    Re: falling for another hard...please help

    I'm writing this based on conversations that I have had with my BF about his experience with a similar situation.

    My BF and I met and started talking while he had a girlfriend (of 8 years) and at first, we were nothing more than friends. We started talking more and more and over the course of a year, became best friends and fell very much in love. We never took our relationship any further than friends (although some would argue differently - when I say that, I mean we didn't cross any physical lines, but we did have, and still have, a very deep emotional connection that he did not share with his girlfriend). He became very conflicted about his feelings for me and deep down he knew that he wasn't supposed to be with his GF, but it was extremely difficult for him because she had been such a huge part of his life for so many years.

    He did break up with her and it was one of the most difficult things he's ever had to do, but he says that he's never regretted the decision even once because in his heart he knew how he felt and that he wanted to be with me. He and I have been together for almost a year and a half now and we're very much in love and have a connection that I don't believe many people are lucky enough to find.

    It took my boyfriend many months to make his decision. His heart knew the answer, but it took a little longer for his head to get there. It's not an easy decision but if you know in your heart that this woman, and not your GF, is someone you want to be with forever, then maybe it's time to do some re-evaluating.

     
    Old 06-02-2007, 04:37 PM   #7
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    Re: falling for another hard...please help

    I am going to disagree. I think that a 4-year relationship is worth giving it a chance. What if this woman was your wife? Would you still dumb her then? There will always be a time when the novelty and excitment is over. This is inevitable.
    I am not saying that you should live miserable, but you don't seem to be. You don't even know this new girl properly, you don't know how you might feel after 4 years with her..
    It is your decision in the end of the day, but if you decide to break it off with your current gf, you are obliged to let her ASAP so that she can start a new life and have a chance a more fulfiling relationship, just like you. Good luck.

    Last edited by Nina000; 06-03-2007 at 08:23 AM.

     
    Old 06-02-2007, 06:05 PM   #8
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    Re: falling for another hard...please help

    Break it off with your GF in the most honest way you can. I don't know whether the new girl is right or wrong for you, but you cannot carry on your relationship while you feel this way about someone else. It would be terrible for you and totally unfair to your GF who has done nothing wrong. She deserves someone who is totally with her (as do we all) and you cannot give her that. You may end up with neither of them; the new one may be the love of your life and soulmate - you don't know. It is all a risk. But risk it on your own, don't drag the GF along for the ride; let her go and start again.

     
    Old 06-02-2007, 09:23 PM   #9
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    Re: falling for another hard...please help

    Four years is a long time to invest in a relationship. I agree that before you dump this girl for the "flavor of the month," you should analyze why your feelings have changed. Are you really in love with this new girl, or are you just attracted by the feeling of newness that you don't have with your current girlfriend? Is this girl filling a small but significant void that your current girlfriend isn't providing for you? Would you still be falling out of love with your current girlfriend if someone else hadn't come along?

    That aside, it sounds like you are quite introspective and really do think it may be time to move on. If that's what your heart is telling you, you aren't doing anyone a favor by staying with someone you don't really have a future with. She deserves to know this as soon as possible, and you deserve to start living the life you really want.

    Many of us have been in long-term relationships that didn't work out, and I can tell you from my own experience that I'm SOOOOO glad I followed my heart and didn't stay with my last boyfriend just because I thought we were meant to be together. Looking back, I can't believe I stayed with him as long as I did. AND, it's pretty obvious now that our relationship was over much sooner than the date that we actually called it quits. If you can look at your relationship with your girlfriend objectively and see that it's been over for awhile now, that's probably a key sign that you're ready to move on. I stayed with my boyfriend for awhile longer than I should have because I was worried what everyone would say or think. What a waste of time! Who cares what anyone else says...you have to do what's right for YOU or you will spend your life unhappy.

    My husband and I have been dating for 8 years now, married for 1. We both were in long-term relationships when we met, and instantly broke those off to be together. It took finding someone I really loved to realize that my other boyfriend and I had been through for awhile. It was a very difficult time for both of us, but getting through those break-ups together set us up on strong footing for the future.

    I hope the same can be said for you. Think things through carefully and your heart will tell you what to do. Just remember....our advice is all through our own eyes. Only YOU know the real situation and what will really make you happy! No day but today!!

     
    Old 06-03-2007, 04:33 AM   #10
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    Re: falling for another hard...please help

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Nina000 View Post
    I am going to disagree. I think that a 4-year relationship is worth giving it a chance. What if this woman was your wife? Would you still dumb her then? There will always be a time when the novelty and excitment is over. This is inevitable.
    I am not saying that you should live miserable, but you don't seem to be. You don't even know this new girl properly, you don't know how you might feel after 4 years with her..
    It is your decision in the end of the day, but if you decide to break it off with your current gf, you are obliged to let her ASAP so that she can start a new life and have a chance a more-fulfiling relationship, just like you. Good luck.
    These are all good points. It'd be interesting to see OP, if you'll be back here, or elsewhere, in four years time wondering what to do about the flavour not being so potent in this new relationship anymore and whether you should leg it with the next new girl you've just met.

    If you do decide that leaving is what's right for you though, you should do as Nina suggests and pay your current gf the respect and consideration of letting her know immediately that you are leaving her and have the decency to tell her exactly and truthfully why, so that she can form a relationship with somebody more suited to her. I think she has the right to know you are considering this now, before you've made your decision. If my man were thinking thoughts like this I would want to know on the spot, so that I could dump his arse and move on with no further delay. Just that fact that he was even thinking such a thing would be enough to teach me that we had no future together.

    I doubt you'll tell her though, you'll probably just get carried away with the attraction of an unfamiliar body as men are wont to do and end up trashing your relationship as a result, in which case your current gf will then move on anyway. That's something you will have to accept as part of this deal you are cooking up in your brain you know - if you move on, she will do too. Often people dont stop to consider that before they end relationships, then go into meltdown mode when the other person forms a new attatchment and moves on. If you are happy about the thoughts of her with another man, well then, that says it all... Are you?

     
    Old 06-03-2007, 01:57 PM   #11
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    Re: falling for another hard...please help

    Try to imagine that you have just met both women for the first time..Putting your feelings aside, who has most the qualities you desire in a woman? Who do you connect with the most when you're talking?
    If it's just the thrill of a new woman that allures you, then probably you should keep the woman you're with now and discard the second one. If you are just more attracted to the second one because she's more your type, I think you should give her a chance.

     
    Old 06-03-2007, 08:39 PM   #12
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    Re: falling for another hard...please help

    thanks a lot everyone. i've have been doing a lot of thinking and you all have helped in your own way. i guess there is no way to know what's exactly the right thing to do, but i have decided to do something. i am going to continue to not talk to the new girl, and work on saving and repairing my relationship with my girlfriend. if it turns out that i just dont have IT for the girlfriend anymore, with the other girl entirely out of the picture, then i will go from there. if it happens that my girlfriend and i break up, i want that to be based on what was lacking in our relationship, not what might exist somewhere else. havent decided what, if anything, i tell the current girlfriend about my feelings. if any of you think this is the right or wrong thing i would like to know. like i said, getting your prospectives, among other things, led me to here.... thanks

     
    Old 06-04-2007, 01:51 AM   #13
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    Re: falling for another hard...please help

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by willie040 View Post
    ...but i have decided to do something. i am going to continue to not talk to the new girl, and work on saving and repairing my relationship with my girlfriend. if it turns out that i just dont have IT for the girlfriend anymore, with the other girl entirely out of the picture, then i will go from there. if it happens that my girlfriend and i break up, i want that to be based on what was lacking in our relationship, not what might exist somewhere else.
    Well this is a good start, I really do think.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by willie040 View Post
    havent decided what, if anything, i tell the current girlfriend about my feelings.
    That's hardly surprising. The thing is, you know deep down that if you tell your gf that she was, for a time there, being measured against somebody else and you were considering leaving her, that will throw a big spanner in the works of your relationship. I'm not blaming you here. I'm no angel. What I'm saying nevertheless, is that your gf does actually have a right to know this, as it changes the dynamic of the relationship that she is sharing with you. She is with a man who is having thoughts and feelings that she has a right to know about. And if she did know about them, her relationship would have taken a dramatic shift in her eyes. She might decide to leave off her own bat, and you might find you have very little deciding left to do.

    If she was considering leaving you, and the influence of another bloke was fuelling the feeling, dont you think you'd deserve to know about it? And if she kept that to herself, dont you feel you'd have been denied the right to make an informed choice about whether or not you wanted to stay with a person who had one foot out of the relationship?

     
    Old 06-04-2007, 02:38 AM   #14
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    Re: falling for another hard...please help

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by willie040 View Post
    havent decided what, if anything, i tell the current girlfriend about my feelings. if any of you think this is the right or wrong thing i would like to know. like i said, getting your prospectives, among other things, led me to here.... thanks
    Good onya, Willie, you are doing the right thing, I think. I have to say I am not in full agreement with Laylah here. I think it would be unnecessarily hurtful to your GF. It would be different if you had actually cheated, but if it were me, i don't think I would really want to know that you were considering leaving me, unless it was for a reason that I had some responsibility for. However you say, "I met someone else and I really really liked her, but I decided to choose you" she will be hurt. I think it would put an unfair strain on your relationship which may make it impossible to rebuild. There are many people about who have a near-misstep in their romantic history, and who have moved on past it back into their marriages, relationships, etc without making it worse for the partner. Sera

     
    Old 06-04-2007, 05:09 AM   #15
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    Re: falling for another hard...please help

    Yes I get what Sera's saying here Willie. Bear in mind I'm not saying confessing all would be the best thing for your current relationship, what I'm saying is that in your gf's situation I would want to know, but I would want to know because I would certainly decide to leave on the back of that information, which is what makes it so crucial to my mind; so bear that in mind if you ever get round to deciding to tell her because (if she's anything like me) it is entirely possible she'd be so insulted that she'd be straight out the door.

    If you do decide to keep this to yourself the one piece of advice I'd give you would be to make sure you keep it quiet for good and forever, because the only thing more insulting than a man considering leaving me for someone else would be to find out that he'd been considering that in years gone past and had kept quiet about it, therefore, as I would see it, wasting all the years between now and then - when I would otherwise, after having left him, have been off enjoying myself elsewhere.

     
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