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    Old 06-03-2007, 03:53 PM   #1
    daystar91
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    help with husband issues

    I'm going to try to make this short...I please need advice of some sort because right now i feel soooo lost...I have been married to my husband for almost twelve years we are both 30 and have to boys..In Dec. my husband was leaving me for another women at work that he had conversations with but nothing physical with...This went on for about two weeks...He admitted to me that he was looking for the attention that he was not getting at home, i guess i didn't listen enough to him...After this he told me what a mistake it was and how he was soooo sorry...That he loved me and so on...Started counceling but only went to one session, he really didn't want to go but i did so he went....
    Now we are in June and he says the other day that we argue to much and he loves me but not like he use to love me...Another stab in the heart...He is leaving and he doesn't want to try to fix anything because it hasn't change since Dec. the argueing even though he starts a good portion of them over stupid stuff...He's changed he acts like a child and is more interested in playing with friends than doing anything family...Other people have notice this not just me...But heres the weird thing he says he wants a seperation but he is still living in our home together...Talks to me like nothing is going on...But if i says anything to him about his actions it's still the same he's leaving...I've told him well leave then, he's still here...He has even offered me everything house, car and most of his paycheck every week to pay the bills...
    Another problem is i work in the same place as he works not the same building but the same company just next to his building...Of course every day i see her she's in my building...I hate her for just interferring in my family...This is what we argue about is her...I can't trust him..I was checking his email and would like to know where he is going to when he goes out...This is not okay with him because he feels that i treat him like a child but i would not have this problem if he never did what he did back in Dec...Why is he still here???He did say that he had no where else to go but hey if your being treated so bad and say that you are leaving why is he still here???Then he did make the comment on that he wanted to make sure that he wa making the right decision but yet he talked to my kids without me and told them something about the fighting and he might be moving...I'm not sure what he said to them or he is just trying to get a rise out of me...
    Last i'm really sick with crohn's disease right now so when my stress goes up that's when i become sicker than i need to be...I haven't been to work since wednesday do to my crohn's and all this stress..I do have the chance to go off on sick leave for a while and i'm debating that as well...I don't know what to do i feel soooo depressed...

     
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    Old 06-03-2007, 06:10 PM   #2
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    Re: help with husband issues

    Why would he leave? He has everything he needs right here, a roof over his head, access to his kids, somebody (you) to kick around and blame for his bad behaviour....It is time for the old "pack up his stuff and leave it at the front door" thing. Change the locks; Show him you mean business. Don't take any more from this tosser. What a nerve!! Get some legal advice and get him on his way. He can go and live with his floozie, see how welcoming SHE is going to be. Get Tough!! Cheers, Sera

     
    Old 06-03-2007, 06:13 PM   #3
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    Re: help with husband issues

    Easier said than done...I love this man with all my heart and this is just killing me....I feel so lost...I know i need to get some legal advice..

     
    Old 06-03-2007, 06:29 PM   #4
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    Re: help with husband issues

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by daystar91 View Post
    Easier said than done...I love this man with all my heart and this is just killing me....I feel so lost...I know i need to get some legal advice..
    I know it must be awful and having him there is like rubbing salt into the wound. For your own sake, you must be strong and proactive, it is your life that is on hold while he is vacillating about his future. If for no other reason, be strong and proactive to show him that you are a person in your own right, I think he is forgetting that and just regarding you as the 'wife' character in the drama of his life. Show him that you have your own priorities and plans. Yes, get legal advice and make sure he knows you are doing it. Shake HIM up a little, he is getting his own way a little too much in this situation. Cheers, Sera

     
    Old 06-03-2007, 06:38 PM   #5
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    Re: help with husband issues

    What confuses me is that he hasn't talked to her in five months...What else can be going on here???
    The sad thing is that i'm in another country with him, his friends and his family...My family lives in Canada so i'm sooo far away from everyone...I have one friend and she's done alot to listen and be there....I can't afford this house, car and everything else on my own..He's says alot but is he actually going to do...I'm soooo hurt and scared....My job pays well but i sooo don't want to go back there...I see her every day and after he leaves i just don't want to look at her...Can anyone understand that???

     
    Old 06-04-2007, 01:44 AM   #6
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    Re: help with husband issues

    It is clear that you still have hopes with this man, but it is also clear that he is being abusive, disrespectful and making your waste your time. You need not only legal advice, but also emotional support. Your illness (Crohn's) is a sign of it. You may start changing your words. Rather than saying "I love this man", say "I love myself first". Rather than saying "I can't", say "I want to..." etc. Be assertive rather than negative. I don't know how far from you your family lives, but I think they should be informed about what is going on. Recruit as much help as you can. Concentrate on yourself and give him an ultimatum. I am sure you will get through. Good luck and good thoughts.

     
    Old 06-04-2007, 06:07 AM   #7
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    Re: help with husband issues

    My family does know what is going on and would like me to come back home...But i just can't pick up and leave only because of my kids...My 15 year old son has made his home here with school and friends...My youngest is 8 years old and all he knows is this home...I have lived in the states going on 12 years....This is where it pulls my heart to pieces i want to stay for the kids but that would mean that i would have to work at the same place, live in the home that we buildt together and be here without family....Or move back home and start all over again without job, home, new school but i would definetly have my family at my side...My family lives about over an hour away from me now...I'm sooo confused....I know alot of people move on but sometimes i don't know if i'm strong enough i feel like i'm falling into pieces...

     
    Old 06-04-2007, 06:21 AM   #8
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    Re: help with husband issues

    It seems to me like the decision isn't really in your hands....what happens if tomorrow he says he's outta here? I say you need get him to either commit to stay or you really have no other choice but to start making arrangements to move either to your family's town or just to an affordable place in the same town. How can you stand it not knowing each day if he's going to be packing up? It's obvious he's at the very least gone "mentally"...he's not in love with you anymore...you cannot make someone love you...no matter how much you love them...if they aren't in love anymore then it's over. You could always rent an apartment where you are now and if that doesn't work for you, you could then move to family.

     
    Old 06-04-2007, 06:31 AM   #9
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    Re: help with husband issues

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by daystar91 View Post
    My family does know what is going on and would like me to come back home...But i just can't pick up and leave only because of my kids...My 15 year old son has made his home here with school and friends...My youngest is 8 years old and all he knows is this home...I have lived in the states going on 12 years....This is where it pulls my heart to pieces i want to stay for the kids but that would mean that i would have to work at the same place, live in the home that we buildt together and be here without family....Or move back home and start all over again without job, home, new school but i would definetly have my family at my side...My family lives about over an hour away from me now...I'm sooo confused....I know alot of people move on but sometimes i don't know if i'm strong enough i feel like i'm falling into pieces...
    I think you need to start sorting out the things you can control and the things you can't control. The main thing is your kids. I know it hurts, and I know how much you must want to just throw in the towel, but the truth is, you simply don't have the luxury of falling apart. You have the kids to take care of.

    I agree, first step is to talk to a lawyer to find out your legal standing. If you get divorce proceedings underway, it may be an option to sell the house and you and your ex husband divide the proceeds. That will give you enough to start fresh and get a smaller more affordable place for you and the kids. It sounds you don't really feel going home to Canada really isn't an option for you, and it sounds like you really don't want to. I wouldn't let that woman chase you away from your good job, though. She's the one who should feel uncomfortable, not you. But, especially since your husband says he hasn't spoken to her in 5 months, it doesn't sound like she's the real problem. For whatever reason, your husband isn't happy and wants to move on. If you've tried counseling and tried to make it work and tried to make it better and he still wants to leave, then it sounds like you've done all you can do, he's just not in it anymore. You need to start the process of moving on. NOTHING in this world will keep you stuck in muck more than trying to hold onto someone who doesn't want to be held onto, or trying to change someone who doesn't want to change. It sounds like that's what you're doing right now. I agree with the above poster, he's still around because it's easiest for him. He gets a nice uninterrupted home, he gets to see the kids everyday, he has someone at home still cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids, yet he's told you he's emotionally gone already so he's free to do whatever he wants. This is the perfect situation for him, but a lousy one for you, so if you want it to change, you're going to have to change it. Talk to a lawyer and see what your legal options are. You obviously can't stay in this situation much longer, the stress will continue to make you sicker and sicker. You need to be proactive and start changing the things you have control over and make things better and less stressful for yourself and your kids, and you must STOP wondering why your husband this or doesn't that, or what is he going to do, why doesn't he just leave, why doesn't he want this or that. You've got to just stop making him a part of the equation in whatever you plan to do next. He's told you he's gone, at least emotionally. He's told you he's done. Please start believing him, and make your plans accordingly.

     
    Old 06-04-2007, 06:45 AM   #10
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    Re: help with husband issues

    I am so sorry you are going through this. Although I do not have Crohns I do have Grave's disease and stress does not help when I am in remission.

    I would have to say that if this were me. THat i would have sent him packing. LEts see if hte girl of the week wants him! His behavoir is childish and he is looking at an excuse. So the big bad wife is pickin on me! Boo hooo!. I would tell him listen I love you but this is going to end. You may not stay here if this is the way you are going to treat me. I am ont your doormat. Dont disrespect yourslf by letting him get away with this. Get a lawyer and do this the right way. If he wants to leave then divorce him, get child support and be done with it. I know it sounds eaiser than it seems but see to me if my dh didnt want me that is the attitude i would have. and it is because i do respect myself that i feel that way. I would have gone up to the woman and spoken to her OUTSIDE of work adn asked her why she was going after a married man, and who she thought she was? But that is just me, i have a confidence to do that and not feel that she would retaliate or that she would even dare say something ill of me. I have a very big presence when it comes to my husband and other women. But again i have confidence because that is what my dh taught me. yes my dh taught me that no one else, when i met him i had none.

    You do what you think is best. Maybe talk to your kids and ask them what they would like to do and you as their mom should try to work it out with them about staying or going and tell them the going part would be to be with family as a support system. And if they stayed then there would also be stuff. But just because you work near him doesnt mean you shoudl be upset about that. Screw that, i'd be like well this is what he wanted and this is what he got.

    Hugs to you dear for what you are going through, i am so so sorry.

     
    Old 06-04-2007, 07:07 AM   #11
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    Re: help with husband issues

    I'm sorry that you are going through all of this.

    I understand you not wanting to leave because of your children, especially the teenager. But sometimes what is best for the mother is also best for the children, whether they see that at the time or not.

    No wonder you are so confused right now. The man you have been married to was going to leave you for another woman and blames all of his unhappiness on you and yet he won't leave. I have to ask you, why would he? He knows you have nowhere else to go (unless you go back to your family in Canada) and he knows you won't throw him out. He doesn't have to talk about any issues with you. He gets to go on like everything is okay when it clearly isn't.

    As hard as it is for you, you need to stand up for yourself or he will continue to walk all over you. If he wants to be with you then you need to tell him to go to counselling with you and work on your marriage. If he doesn't want to be with you then he needs to go! It's time for him to **** or get off the pot. He is behaving like a child and he should be treated as one, IMO. If he won't make the decision then you make it for him by packing his bags and leaving them by the door.

    I know you think you are doing the noble thing by staying for your children, but your not. They need a strong and stable mother to support them. You can't be that mother if your husband is allowed to treat you the way he does. Please, contact and attorney and get yourself into some counselling. Put a lot of thought into the advice you are being given. It is not as hard as it all sounds. You just have to decide that you have had enough and do something about it.

     
    Old 06-04-2007, 07:33 AM   #12
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    Re: help with husband issues

    I'm going through a similar situation except it's me that wants to split because my husband is an alcoholic and drug addict but has never been abusive. So it's hard for me to treat him with utter cruelty and throw him out on the street. My son is REALLY attached. But after all these years of wishing and hoping he'll change I fell out of love and into disgust and disappointment and it's too late to change that and now he's just farting around wasting my life and it pisses me off but I count on him financially to help care for our 5 yr old and threatens to stop giving money and I can't afford for that to happen right now and yet I can't afford to pay for a divorce again as he refused to sign the papers the first time. If he'll leave willing toss him I know I would I know it's really hard especially when kids are involved. Good Luck and if he doesn't want a quality woman in his life find someone who does.

     
    Old 06-04-2007, 12:06 PM   #13
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    Re: help with husband issues

    Well my husband has left to his friends...Does seperstion work for couples????My heart is breaking...I still have to talk to my kids they are still in school....This really sucks...Ifell two pieces watching him pack....I hurt so bad....I stayed home from work because i don't know how my kids are going to handle this...

     
    Old 06-04-2007, 12:23 PM   #14
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    Re: help with husband issues

    Like everything else, separation is positive if both people are looking for the same result. How did you leave everything when he left? Will you try talking in a few days? Does he plan on saying anything to your children with you or is it all up to you? Is he going to help support the kids even though he isn't there?

    Hang in there daystar! Try to be strong for your children and be as honest with them as you can be, especially with the older boy. Your husband leaving (although it is hard to see it now) is really a blessing. It wasn't healthy for your children to see you like that. When you go back to work you hold your head high, you did nothing wrong. You will get through this! Like everything it's just going to take some time to heal. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions you are feeling.

    {{hugs}}

     
    Old 06-04-2007, 02:30 PM   #15
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    Re: help with husband issues

    This could be my story, almost exactly, it happened 9 years ago. He had decided that things looked greener on the other side of the fence too. Well, the same week he told me he was leaving, I found out I was pregnant. We decided to take another shot at it, and now we are happy. I have forgiven him, not forgotten, (he like your husband, had done nothing physical, yet), but when I see the other girl, I am still extremely mad. She still to this day will send him bday cards, Christmas gifts, and tell him she will wait forever. Luckily, she is now in another state, I don't know how I would handle it if I had to see her all the time. I wish I had some good advice, I just want you to know you are not alone, I will be thinking of you and your boys.

     
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