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  • Jealousy rears its head!! Please please take a moment to advise

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    Old 06-06-2007, 06:12 AM   #1
    dkennedy2007
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    Jealousy rears its head!! Please please take a moment to advise

    Hi guys,

    I know this has been probably answered before but like everyone else I would appreciate an answer to my specific question as I think im on the verge of getting depressed. Some background info first. Im 29, reasonably good looking and also have a good job.

    I have been seeing this girl for 11 months and I have become very jealous of certain things. On one occasion after two of us had a lot to drink and were out in a bar I felt she was flirting with guys when I was there and we had an argument about it but she said she chats to everyone and dont try to change her. Once again recently we were at a party and she was chatting to the best looking guy there when I was alongside her and she was saying things like you have a great tan and I bet you work out and I just felt like a complete loser standing alongside her so we had an argument about that and virtually broke up.I then said that I would try to control my jealousy even though her best friend agreed what she was saying to that guy was a bit much.

    Then last night I asked her when we were talking about camping "if she ever had sex in a tent?" she said "yes at a festival last year" I said with who and she said "one of the guys who went with them when she was really drunk" and i asked is he going this year and she said yes. She has also asked me a few times to go but i dont fancy it as she will spend more time with her friends than with me at it and i dont know them so i dont want to be putting her under pressure to be with me at it.

    Im not going to this festival and it made me feel sick and I didn’t sleep all night thinking about the fact she will be seeing this guy in the same place they had sex last year!!

    She also mentioned that I had met a few guys she had slept before with but she wouldn’t tell me who they were cos she thought I would be funny around them as they are friends and I will definitely see them again.I told her the thought of me turning up at her friends house and all her friends know that she has been with one of the guys before and im the only person that doesn’t know who he is makes me feel rubbish. But she argues what should she do, should she tell me whereever we go that she should tell me if she has been with anybody in the room!! I can understand this view but it still really really bugs me.
    Is this right?

    Please please advise me as its getting me really down. Even reading other jealousy answers saying to just ignore it, the nearer the festival approaches and the nearer she will be to meeting the guy she had sex with last year the more I know it will drive me nuts.Am I going mad??

    Cheers

     
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    Old 06-06-2007, 06:35 AM   #2
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    Re: Jealousy rears its head!! Please please take a moment to advise

    Wow, your girlfriend really gets around, doesn't she? I know I shouldn't sneer at my fellow sister, but really, it sounds like she does a lot of sleeping with people just for the merry heck of it.

    Quote:
    She also mentioned that I had met a few guys she had slept before with but she wouldn’t tell me who they were cos she thought I would be funny around them as they are friends and I will definitely see them again.
    Wow, that is a totally unnecessary thing to say. I get the impression that she likes torturing you and playing with your head. Is she going to be drinking at the festival again this year? I wouldn't really trust her either.
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    Old 06-06-2007, 06:39 AM   #3
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    Re: Jealousy rears its head!! Please please take a moment to advise

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by GypsyArcher View Post
    Wow, your girlfriend really gets around, doesn't she? I know I shouldn't sneer at my fellow sister, but really, it sounds like she does a lot of sleeping with people just for the merry heck of it.



    Wow, that is a totally unnecessary thing to say. I get the impression that she likes torturing you and playing with your head. Is she going to be drinking at the festival again this year? I wouldn't really trust her either.
    Yeah she most definitely will be drinking at the festival.

     
    Old 06-06-2007, 06:42 AM   #4
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    Re: Jealousy rears its head!! Please please take a moment to advise

    I'm with Gypsy in this. If she isn't toying with you deliberately, then she is a truly insensitive person. I think it is the former and she likes to see you squirm. She actually sounds a bit weird about all this, and you are right to be wary. For example, talking like that to the guy at the party while you were standing right there is fairly psycho in my opinion. I know you are into her, but watch out for this one. Sera

     
    Old 06-06-2007, 07:56 AM   #5
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    Re: Jealousy rears its head!! Please please take a moment to advise

    It's hard to give great advice since we are not there when she says some of these things, and tone can play a major role in situations like this. She could very possibly be a girl that likes to play games, that likes being desired and chased, or she could be a girl that is a bit clueless as to what she's saying. (I have a friend who doesn't think before she says most of the things she says, so she doesn't realize how it is taken by others around her. Stereotypical "dumb blonde" moments..)

    If she is the type of girl that likes flirting with the intention of getting guys to lust after her, then I don't think she should be in a committed relationship. It's hurtful and disrespectful to you, as well as insensetive. Also, if she knowingly has a tendecny to get a little "loose" while drinking, then hopefully she will have the will to hold back while she is away camping. She will if she really cares about you and your relationship.

    Everyone I know has some level of jealousy. It's normal. I think jealousy feeds on our insecurities. You say that you're ok looking, so naturally, if you see a guy you think is more attractive, you will be threatened by him and envious of any attention your girlfriend gives him, even if she's simply just talking to him as a friend. It's not easy coming to terms with the fact that your SO (significant other) has been with other people, especially if they are still friends.

    I think the trick to overcoming jealousy is first recognizing it. Alot of the times our jealousy turns nothing into something.. just delusions our jealous imaginations plant in our brains! Once you feel that jealousy crawling into the pit of your stomach you can (try to) rationalize with yourself. Also, being realistic-- knowing and accepting that our SOs have a past, that they have been intimate with other people just as we have. A big key factor in overcoming jealousy is focusing on your strengths rather than your weaknesses. As i said, I believe jealousy grows from our own insecurities. So if you find yourself thinking, "man, there are such better looking guys here, why is she with me?" remind yourself that she is with you.. because you offer something that other people haven't been able to; intelligence, humor, security... whatever it may be-- you have strong qualities.

    If you truely don't trust her than that is a bigger problem than being jealous. Are you jealous because you don't trust her, or are you jealous just because you've been hurt in the past and you're unsure of yourself? If you don't trust her you need to ask yourself why. If you know the answer then you need to address that problem with her. If she really does intentionally flaunt herself infront of other guys, and purposely flirts with them; that tells me she shouldn't be in a serious relationship. A girl who is committed to a guy doesn't taunt other boys. Yes- it's nice to be desired and liked, but anyone who cares for one person and only wants to be with them won't parade themselves around as if available.

    If the jealousy is a result of insecurities then you need to work those issues out with yourself, and learn to trust her. If she doesn't give you a reason to trust her, or show you that she can be trusted, then you need to re-evaluate the relationship and ask yourself if this is really the type of girl you want to be with.

    Even though camping isn't your thing, I think it would be a good idea for you to go. Get to know her friends. Her friends are part of her life, and in a sense, now a part of yours. She doesn't have to split her time between you and them, she can combine you all, if you let her. If you can see how she interacts with her friends it may put your mind at ease.. or worse case scenario..it could show you that this isn't the girl for you. If she doesn't want you going then that is a red flag, warning you that she plans on having some fun that she doesn't want you to be a part of... and why wouldn't she want you to be a part of something that should be good, honest fun?? If she wants you to go.. I say go, interact with her and her friends and try to enjoy yourself.. you may be surprised.

    Sorry for my lengthy response!!
    Good luck!

     
    Old 06-06-2007, 08:09 AM   #6
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    Re: Jealousy rears its head!! Please please take a moment to advise

    your girlfriend has sex just for fun.....she probably has bedroom buddies that she doesn't have a relationship with, just fun......
    I don't blame you for not trusting her......this is beyond jealousy, I also think you might have lost some respect for her for sleezing around like that.

     
    Old 06-06-2007, 08:36 AM   #7
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    Re: Jealousy rears its head!! Please please take a moment to advise

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
    your girlfriend has sex just for fun.....she probably has bedroom buddies that she doesn't have a relationship with, just fun......
    I don't blame you for not trusting her......this is beyond jealousy, I also think you might have lost some respect for her for sleezing around like that.
    I don't think its fair to jump right into saying she has "sex just for fun." It's a big assumption and harsh to imply that this girl none of us know is a ******. Maybe she's just made some bad decisions while growing up. There's no details given to indicate that she's just throwing herself around easily. I mean, if he said that she's slept with 7 guys in 3 months... then yeah, I can understand the assumption. But if she been with 7 guys in 5 years.. it may be looked down on by some, but in my oppinion, its by no means sl**y. Have you always made smart choices? We all make mistakes and make bad judgement calls... maybe that's all that she's done.. and maybe not. Just wanted to say that it's not fair to judge this girl based on one vague post.

     
    Old 06-06-2007, 09:14 AM   #8
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    Re: Jealousy rears its head!! Please please take a moment to advise

    Thanks everyone for their replys and your detailed reply jen52983 was brilliant
    and I feel very good advice. I dont think my girlfriend is a person you would call a **** but I feel its my problem for not being able to deal with me having to meet these guys. Like she said to me this morning "what do you want me to do?" and i had no reply to be honest.

    I really felt like saying I really dont want to be meeting any of your ex one night stands even if you dont care about them anymore and even going to the festival and me meeting the guy she was with doesnt make me feel too good. Is this childish and should I be just going saying im better than them and im with her now attitude where as I would like to just avoid the situation altogether to be honest?

    She also said before that she was a bit messed up and that if she saw a flaw in a boyfriend she would chip away at it. Think that flaw in me is my jealous tendency and the chipping might have begun.

    As far as the games are concerned. She is in a group of about 5 very very close girls and i know today she will have texted them to get feedback and advice on our situation so i think there are definitely games taking place.

    One half of me is saying do i want to deal with a girl where it sometime feels its her and her gang of friends against me where as i always thought couples should stick by each other. The other half is saying I have no reason to dis-trust her and am i being paranoid and should i not care who she has been with before. Im unsure of the answer to your question whether im jealous cos i dont trust her or because i have insecurities. I have always been told that im one of the most confident people that people have met but this relationship has stripped me of it completely. She can be very argumentative so its got to the stage where im afraid to say anyhting to her for fear of a big argument. I even apologised already before leaving this morning for feeling annoyed about the things i mentioned earlier even though they still annoy me

    By the way she admits she is a flirt but she says its just her personality which i believe is true as she flirts with everyone even older people she obviously would have no interest in.

    Any further advice would be good.
    Cheers

    Last edited by dkennedy2007; 06-06-2007 at 09:18 AM.

     
    Old 06-06-2007, 09:19 AM   #9
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    Re: Jealousy rears its head!! Please please take a moment to advise

    I think you need to listen to your gut instinct.......

    you're not comfortable with her and you don't really trust her.....

    there's a reason why, and it has nothing to do with jealousy.......

    you gut doesn't lie.....

     
    Old 06-06-2007, 09:27 AM   #10
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    Re: Jealousy rears its head!! Please please take a moment to advise

    I'm not sure this is a question of right or wrong as much as it is of incompatibility. She sounds like she's got a more casual view of sex than you do, which is her right but doesn't mean that you have to agree with it.

    A few things in your post stood out to me, though; why can't she speak to and even compliment other men in your presence? I really don't see why that's a problem. I also don't fully understand why you wouldn't go to the festival with her because she would be forced to choose between time with you vs. her friends. Can't you go and get to know them and have fun? It seems from those two examples that you want her to yourself. And why would you ask if she'd ever had sex in a tent when the answer likely would include a reference to when and with whom she had sex?

    If you really want to be with this person, it may require you to change a bit, because I don't know how it's possible for her to change what has already happened (her sleeping with a lot of previous partners). I don't know how you ended up discussing the people she had slept with, so I can't comment on the apprpriateness of her telling you that. But if you're asking her and sparking these discussions, it sounds like she's going to answer truthfully.

     
    Old 06-06-2007, 09:42 AM   #11
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    Re: Jealousy rears its head!! Please please take a moment to advise

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by bulletproof View Post
    I'm not sure this is a question of right or wrong as much as it is of incompatibility. She sounds like she's got a more casual view of sex than you do, which is her right but doesn't mean that you have to agree with it.

    A few things in your post stood out to me, though; why can't she speak to and even compliment other men in your presence? I really don't see why that's a problem. I also don't fully understand why you wouldn't go to the festival with her because she would be forced to choose between time with you vs. her friends. Can't you go and get to know them and have fun? It seems from those two examples that you want her to yourself. And why would you ask if she'd ever had sex in a tent when the answer likely would include a reference to when and with whom she had sex?

    If you really want to be with this person, it may require you to change a bit, because I don't know how it's possible for her to change what has already happened (her sleeping with a lot of previous partners). I don't know how you ended up discussing the people she had slept with, so I can't comment on the apprpriateness of her telling you that. But if you're asking her and sparking these discussions, it sounds like she's going to answer truthfully.
    To answer your questions bulletproof cos i feel you had some very good points. Whether she compliments other men in my presence to the degree she did is a matter of opinion to its appropriatness but if her best friend said it was a bit much I suppose I had a valid point.

    As for hanging out with her friends I feel you could be right that i like to have her by herself alright. Im always trying to do 'coupley' things like go for dinner and things like that rather than going out on big drinking sessions with her friends. I just dont feel comfortable being out with her and her friends with me taking a back seat which i think is probably another issue especially the guys which i dont have much in common with cos i have spent an odd night with them. Why should getting along with her friends be so important when we always have fun when together even if they are very close to her? I suppose thats an obvious answer. To please her ?

    And your also right in that i do spark these questions to maybe find out her past which maybe i shouldnt do but isnt it important to see what background the person is coming from to progress in the relationship rather than ignore it all?

    Im worn out from worrying about this!

     
    Old 06-06-2007, 09:57 AM   #12
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    Re: Jealousy rears its head!! Please please take a moment to advise

    It's irrelevant what her best friend thinks about anything. Maybe she shares your view, but that still doesn't mean that what your girlfriend speaking to other men was inherently inappropriate.

    Getting along with a significant other's friends is important in any relationship. You don't have to love them, but you should at least make the effort, or else you end up in a very isolated relationship. What about your own friends? Does your girlfriend make an effort to get to know them? Why don't they come out on these outings with her friends?

    You have created a no-win situation for this girl. You want to ask her but you don't want to know the truth. Why do you need to see what background someone is coming from? Either you enjoy spending time with this person, or you don't. What she's done in the past is already past.

    Also, if you truly feel that you can't express what you feel to her without an argument, maybe it's time to move on.

     
    Old 06-06-2007, 10:16 AM   #13
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    Re: Jealousy rears its head!! Please please take a moment to advise

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by dkennedy2007 View Post
    I really felt like saying I really dont want to be meeting any of your ex one night stands even if you dont care about them anymore and even going to the festival and me meeting the guy she was with doesnt make me feel too good. Is this childish and should I be just going saying im better than them and im with her now attitude where as I would like to just avoid the situation altogether to be honest?

    i know today she will have texted them to get feedback and advice on our situation so i think there are definitely games taking place.

    One half of me is saying do i want to deal with a girl where it sometime feels its her and her gang of friends against me where as i always thought couples should stick by each other. The other half is saying I have no reason to dis-trust her and am i being paranoid and should i not care who she has been with before. Im unsure of the answer to your question whether im jealous cos i dont trust her or because i have insecurities. I have always been told that im one of the most confident people that people have met but this relationship has stripped me of it completely.
    Is she a gemini by any chance!? haha.. Gemini's are flirts by nature! My boyfriend and i are both geminis and flirt without even realizing that we're flirting.. we don't think its flirting, but others do.

    Anyway.. to address some of what you said:
    It's not childish to not want to meet her ex-involvments. Of course it's akward. BUT-- the problem will never be solved if its avoided. If you meet these guys, maybe you'll actually see that they're decent people, and that you have no reason to feel threatened. Just because they hooked up in the past doesnt mean that sexual feelings still linger between them. That part is most likely all in your head. And if some guy is still drooling over her, then you have to trust her to turn jerks like that down. If she's an attractive girl, then guys will be hitting on her for the rest of her life just about... you can't be jealous of every guy that passes by. What a stressful life that would be!!

    Girls seek advice from their friends. Needing and wanting feedback from her friends doesn't mean they're playing games or even ganging up on you. She's just in need of some input and goes to them, just as you came here.

    The last paragraph I quoted up there is the trickiest one. You sound like me when I'm having issues.. totally split down the center and at war more with myself than with the person.

    You shouldn't care who she has been with in the past. Past is past, you can't change it. She shouldn't care about yours and you shouldn't care about hers. And the best way to know or get over the feeling of her friends ganging up on you is to get to know them, to involve yourself with that part of her life. There is time just for friends and there is time just for couples, but they don't always have to be seperate and shouldn't always be seperate. I'm sure you'd like her to get to know yours friends, and for your friends to get to know her. It works both ways, or at least it should.

    If you feel that this relationship is changing who you are, then maybe it's just that you're not compatible.. or maybe you've met a girl that challenges you. If she truely doesn't give you a reason not to trust her, then I think you should keep seeing how it goes, but you have to face your issues with her past. Get to know the people that she hangs out with. I honestly believe that getting to know them will put your mind at ease.

     
    Old 06-06-2007, 10:26 AM   #14
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    Re: Jealousy rears its head!! Please please take a moment to advise

    I was going to ring a councillor tonight which i have never done as its
    a perk of my job to have a councillor available 24 hours a day but i really do
    get the feeling that they would have given the advice i got from the previous two posts. I thank you very much for the level headed advice. Lets hope I have
    one more chance at it as I havent properly spoke to her since this morning other than a one line email and an sms which wasnt personal. I think she is getting fed up with these arguments though.

    She is a virgo by the way. :-)

    Last edited by dkennedy2007; 06-06-2007 at 10:27 AM.

     
    Old 06-06-2007, 10:29 AM   #15
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    Re: Jealousy rears its head!! Please please take a moment to advise

    me again.. haha

    just wanted to add that I agree with alot of what Bulletproof said.

    It's important for a couple to get to know each other's friends because friends are an important part of one's life. I know my friends have played a vital role in who I have grown into today. If you don't at least make the effort to get to know them, then she will eventually feel torn between you and them. That will lead to another batch of problems down the road. You don't want to put her in a position where she feels she has to choose.

    Maybe you would like it to be more of just the two of you. That's ok, as long as it's balanced. If right now you're in a situation where you feel like you only ever go out with her friends.. then talk to her about it. Mention how you'd like to take her on "dates" more often... even if you start out with dinner just the two of you and meet up with friends later on. And introduce your friends to hers.. invite yours out on nights out.

    Ok, I'm going off on a tangent again! I think you get the point!!

     
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