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    Old 06-13-2007, 08:13 PM   #1
    heath2273
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    Angry I know what to do.....just cant do it.

    Okay, I will give you the Readers Digest version. I am 34, have been married for 14 years, my wife is 12 years older than me. About seven years ago I found out that she had an affair with my best friend (M), I never let her know that I knew. I blamed it on myself, I was working about seventy hours a week back then (not much different now), and my friend had just gotten divorced, so I thought it was probably just a one time thing. I changed my work habbits and tried to be home more often, and limited comunication with M. About two years ago my wife had went with M's sister shopping, and had called me from M's house claiming that his sister had to stop by and then gotten a phone call and had to leave unexpectantly and would I come by and pick her up. When I got there the upstairs door was locked so I went around back that door was locked as well, so i peered through the window and saw them kissing, I can not explain the feeling of rage that I had at that moment, but I kept my cool, knocked on the door, my wife opened it, and we left. The next day I started pulling our financials together, so I could remove some money and freeze the rest of the bank account and file for divorce. Thats when I found that the account that I thought was at about $40,000.00
    had $250.00 in it, I frantically looked in other accounts that we shared and they had all been closed, I flew off the handle asking her where our money was she told me that it was gone. I left , and didn't return home for two days, i decided I needed to see how much more financial problems we had, when I did more digging I found that not only was our money gone, but that she had maxxed out both of my credit cards, plus had almost $20,000.00 in credits cards herself. When i consulted a lawer friend of mine he told me that I needed to try and stick it out long enough to try and clear up some of the bills. Thats what i did, almost two years later I am to the point that financially i can do what I wanted to 2 years ago, but I can't.......I dont know why, my heart tells me i do not love her anymore, my head tells me to get the heck out of there, and my asks gut what are you doing here? But I still cannot make the move, I feel like such a wimp! I still havent told her that i know about her and M, not that it makes much difference now. And now i also feel guilty because I feel like I used her for two years just to clear up money issues. This is not me..... I make hard business disicions everyday, for crying out loud I own my own business. But I just can't make this happen. I need advise! i know this all sounds like a soap opera, but its not; its my life and I cant seem to change the channel.

     
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    Old 06-13-2007, 08:32 PM   #2
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    Re: I know what to do.....just cant do it.

    WOW!!! I really feel for you.....you basically have been betrayed by two people who you obviously loved and trusted. And the money that your wife spent....what did she spend it on???

    I am sooo sorry for all that you have had to endure over the past few years....that's alot to swallow and digest. I sure hope that you have made sure that you no longer have joint accounts in order to protect yourself from anything more that your wife may do financially.

    Okay...so your heart and head seem to be telling you the same thing. Usually one is against the other but in this case it is a unanimous vote....so what's up with that??? Do you still love her??? And how is your relationship now???

    I must say a few red flags went up when I read your post. Alot of your wife's behavior may be indicative of a condition called Bipolar. I may be off here but impulsive spending and hypersexuality are some of the symptoms of mania. Does your wife have problems with depression and changes in mood??? I may be reading too much into it but thought it was worth mentioning.

    Meanwhile....nobody can tell you what to do but I would highly recommend that you perhaps talk to somebody, a counselor, so that you can figure out why you are staying in a relationship with little trust and with somebody who has spent so much of your hard earned money without so much as an explanation.

    I hope that you can come to some decision regarding where you want to go from here. Oh and what is your relationship like with "M" at this point in time???

    I wish you luck and hope that you find some peace in your life again.

    (((HUGS))) ~ Goody

     
    Old 06-13-2007, 08:51 PM   #3
    heath2273
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    Re: I know what to do.....just cant do it.

    The money, never got a clear answer, I told her that I would feel better if she could just show me where it had gone or let met put my hands on what she had bought. I think a part of me will probably always love her, I mean we have been together for about 16 years, but I am not in love with her, and have no trust in her at all. I mean if she would have an affair with M, somebody she knows that I think of as a brother, who else has she slept with? our relationship sucks on my part, I think she feels me slipping and is doing everything on her part to make things better, but I won't let them, I think thats where the guilt slips in. You may have hit the nail on the head about being bipolar, i asked her about that a few years ago, but she refused to have any testing, but at this point the damge is already done.I haven't had any contact with M for about a year, I have confronted him about it and he claims it was the effect of alcohol. Guesss he thought that would make me feel better about it, or atleast himself. Thanks for the advise!

     
    Old 06-13-2007, 10:05 PM   #4
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    Re: I know what to do.....just cant do it.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heath2273 View Post
    This is not me..... I make hard business disicions everyday, for crying out loud I own my own business. But I just can't make this happen. I need advise! i know this all sounds like a soap opera, but its not; its my life and I cant seem to change the channel.
    This is the whole point, Heath. You are stuck in this place, where you have not totally assimilated the full ghastliness of the breach of trust that has been inflicted on you. Maybe even still a bit of denial going on? You have been dealt a devastating emotional blow, as bad as a death, and you are still emotionally dead from this. This may be your way of protecting yourself from the huge sea of pain and anger which you are avoiding. Leaving is opening that lid. It is, I think fear of this that holds you in this place. As soon as you can face it, then leave, possibly with the assistance of a counsellor, and you will find that the pain and sadness will not destroy you, but make you well and able to move on. Good luck, Sera

    Last edited by Seraph; 06-13-2007 at 10:06 PM.

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 07:27 AM   #5
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    Re: I know what to do.....just cant do it.

    So why do you feel guilty...she's the one that stole you blind!!!!!!!! And is f'in' your best friend!

    Last edited by ILYF; 06-14-2007 at 07:28 AM.

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 07:49 AM   #6
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    Re: I know what to do.....just cant do it.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heath2273 View Post
    , I think she feels me slipping and is doing everything on her part to make things better, but I won't let them, I think thats where the guilt slips in.
    Cheating on you, with your best friend, and spending all your savings doesn't sound like someone who is doing everything she can to make things better.

    You should be slipping.. you should have been gone!!

    I'm sure in her gut she knows that you know about her affair.. how else could she explain your distancing to herself? You should confront her about it. Tell her that her affair has left MAJOR scars, problems and HUGE lack of trust.

    If she was feeling lonely b/c of your work schedule, she should have talked to you about it. Loneliness, alcohol.. there is no "ok" excuse for cheating on someone. People do it becuase they're selfish and becasue they can. I understand that you feel guilty... but you didn't lead her to do this.. she is the only person responsible for her actions. She totally disrespected you not only by cheating.. but by being irrisponsible with your joint finances.

    You need to remind yourself that, even if she swore and promised never to cheat again, you will most likely never believe it, and you'll never fully trust her again. And honestly, I dont think you should. Could you live like that? You need to remind yourself that you deserve better. People feel guilty when they've done something wrong.. you haven't done anything wrong here. You really need to ask yourself if you could wake up to this woman everyday and be happy. If not, then you need to gather all your strength and do the seemingly difficult but actually easy thing to do.. leave.

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 10:14 AM   #7
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    Re: I know what to do.....just cant do it.

    Well, I can sympathize with your pain, your shame and your anger, but I find your situation absolutely disgusting. You should have left many years ago.

    Now, it may be difficult for you to take the final step for a few different reasons:

    a) You seem to be a very lonely person. possibly with very few friends or people capable of giving you emotional support. You may need some counselling.

    b) Your wife has no income herself, so even if you separate, you may be legally obliged to keep supporting her financially. I don't know if that would be the case in your country. But since you don't seeem to have children together, and assuming that she is not unfit for work, you might find yourself to be exempt from any further bond with her.

    c) She possibly has not good mental health, and you are probably afraid that if you leave her, she will keep track track of you and persecute you.

    I think you must quickly talk to a lawyer about what to do to cut off all the ties with her. This woman is not for you. You deserve someone better. You are still young and, even if you were not that young, you can possibly find someone appropriate.

    Anyway, you will be much better alone, by yourself, than with this woman. Sorry, I don't mean to be offensive, but I can't help disliking her or at least finding her to be irremediably ill.

    I am afraid you are wasting your time here. And time, my friend, never comes back.

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 12:31 PM   #8
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    Re: I know what to do.....just cant do it.

    And another thing is she thinks she's gotten away scott free with her infidelities...if it were me I'd be telling her that I knew exactly what she was up to with your so called best friend. I wouldn't trust that woman with a dime, I would hope that you've taken control of ALL finances in your house and do not left her use any accounts or credit cards! She's probably got that money stashed away so when she leaves she'll have some money.

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 06:38 PM   #9
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    Re: I know what to do.....just cant do it.

    Wow, not really sure where to start....

    I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I will be 34 myself this sept. My dh is 8 years older than I am. He has been working away from home for a few months and it is so lonely without him. He is home on weekends and we have a great time. We dont fight much to begin with so it's pretty much 1-2 timjes a year now.LOL I have 4kids and dont even think of cheating. Wow what that woman did to you was just disgusting.

    i have to agree, you need to find out what you can do legally. Do you HAVE to give her money? Hell I wouldnt! Please seek a lawyer and find out asap. I do understand about staying so you can get your finances in order. I am sure it was hard for you to do that but you had to. But now that you have cleared up some stuff where does that lead you? Do you have money that can be taken away by her now? Not only did she screw you the first time but this time as well. Your gut is telling you to go, you are just so distraut that you cant admit that. Again that is understandable.

    Personally i would seek counsel find out what you have to do and the right way to do it. THEN tell her what a......um never mind. just tell her what YOU think of her. Trust me when you tell her, your feelings will be very clear in your head as to what to do. Remember though DO NOT get angry to the point where she gets scared and says OH poor me he yelled at me and I am so afraid. Grrrr that makes me mad.

    good luck please let us know what a lawyer says.

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 08:28 PM   #10
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    Re: I know what to do.....just cant do it.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heath2273 View Post
    Okay, I will give you the Readers Digest version. I am 34, have been married for 14 years, my wife is 12 years older than me. About seven years ago I found out that she had an affair with my best friend (M), I never let her know that I knew. I blamed it on myself, I was working about seventy hours a week back then (not much different now), and my friend had just gotten divorced, so I thought it was probably just a one time thing. I changed my work habbits and tried to be home more often, and limited comunication with M. About two years ago my wife had went with M's sister shopping, and had called me from M's house claiming that his sister had to stop by and then gotten a phone call and had to leave unexpectantly and would I come by and pick her up. When I got there the upstairs door was locked so I went around back that door was locked as well, so i peered through the window and saw them kissing, I can not explain the feeling of rage that I had at that moment, but I kept my cool, knocked on the door, my wife opened it, and we left. The next day I started pulling our financials together, so I could remove some money and freeze the rest of the bank account and file for divorce. Thats when I found that the account that I thought was at about $40,000.00
    had $250.00 in it, I frantically looked in other accounts that we shared and they had all been closed, I flew off the handle asking her where our money was she told me that it was gone. I left , and didn't return home for two days, i decided I needed to see how much more financial problems we had, when I did more digging I found that not only was our money gone, but that she had maxxed out both of my credit cards, plus had almost $20,000.00 in credits cards herself. When i consulted a lawer friend of mine he told me that I needed to try and stick it out long enough to try and clear up some of the bills. Thats what i did, almost two years later I am to the point that financially i can do what I wanted to 2 years ago, but I can't.......I dont know why, my heart tells me i do not love her anymore, my head tells me to get the heck out of there, and my asks gut what are you doing here? But I still cannot make the move, I feel like such a wimp! I still havent told her that i know about her and M, not that it makes much difference now. And now i also feel guilty because I feel like I used her for two years just to clear up money issues. This is not me..... I make hard business disicions everyday, for crying out loud I own my own business. But I just can't make this happen. I need advise! i know this all sounds like a soap opera, but its not; its my life and I cant seem to change the channel.
    Honestly you are in the same place I am, but yours is worse than mine. I recetnly left my ex ( I hate that right now, saying ex) because we didn't get along. God forbid me to have caught him cheating on me cause there would be no secret about him knowing I caught him. If he did what your wife did to you about finance's OMG! I would not do that to a man and would not expect it in return. Now have I gotten a charge card for 2,000 and kept it a secret? YES! Do I work every day? YES more than him by far! I was getting in debt while he was not working and I did not want to add pressure on him that I already did by whinning we was getting behind and this charge card comes in teh mail and I was like wow, I can pay this and that and I can buy this and that for the "kids". Did he understand when he found out, HELL NO!

    My point is right now that I wanted the break up (I didn't want it, but I was tired of not being happy) and now I want to be together but I don't. I am so messed up. I think it is all about the ties we don't want to break. We want that comfort zone to make sure we have "someone". I say this on both parties, cause he treats me like a queen sometimes now as to when we are together he is always selfish about my feelings.

    I guess you have to figure out what can you live with? I have always tried to say if I can deal with him being with someone else it is over for sure. Now I eat my words. I can't stand to think of him being with someone else but I know we don't belong together. I think it is all in my head because he did me wrong and he will not admitt it. If he admitted he could have treated me much better or even tried to treat me like a queen (so to speak, I don't want an *** kisser trust me) we would have worked together.
    Now I cry and he runs and play's of course he says I forced him to run and play, well no he forced me to make a decission I did not want to make. I now have to move on and realize he is not what will make me happy, he only makes me misserable for one reason or another (save the stories for another time as I am sure I will express them later).

    What you need to do is what you feel is right! If you feel you are not happy then leave! Be prepared to cry/weep a while, maybe months. THe way I feel about it is, I am getting to know me and I don't want someone in my life right now. I want to understand my feelings (which I have never been able to do). If I jump into dating now, my relationship will be doomed.

    Good luck, I hope I didnt' ramble to much, but tonight was a bad night for me with the ex anyhow as I ended up crying over what he said (I wanted it etc). No I DID NOT WANT IT, I WANTED TO be HAPPILY MARRIED AFTER (he couldn't even get married , even though he asked, I would not)

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 10:29 PM   #11
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    Re: I know what to do.....just cant do it.

    you didnt do anything wrong. she's the one who cheated and lied. on top of that, she put you in serious debt, and YOU are the one who just finished cleaning up HER mess. Think about it. Why should you feel guilty? Your free from this awful situation. If I was you I would run as fast as I can and enjoy your newly found freedom and life.

     
    Old 06-15-2007, 05:51 AM   #12
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    Re: I know what to do.....just cant do it.

    Heath,

    Try to realize that your wife has, likely, been squandering your hard earned money on M. Therefore, he hasn't just invaded your marriage, but your business.

    Perhaps consider hiring a PI to get proof of their affair. When / if you do file for divorce, you should do it with the reason being adultery. Then it's likely you will not have to split what you DO have left.

    If you continue in this marriage, it wouldn't be a surprise if the finances, again become strained. Then you are back @ square one.

    You're a hard worker, and a respectable man. Why would you feel in any way 'guilty' for anything?

    Sorry... but if my husband was working long & hard to give me a good life, the last thing I would do is hop into bed with his friend.

    If she had any self-respect, or respect for you, she should have kept herself 'clean' and devoted to you... or filed for divorce. Or, as I like to say it, 'Pi** or get off the pot'.

    You deserve someone who will appreciate you, honor you, and not make a fool or herself & you.

    I was with my first husband (11 years of dating on & off - 2 years of marriage). He cheated on me time & again. I even took him back after he got a woman pregnant. (I broke off our engagement in 1986 & he ended up marrying her - then divorcing & coming back to me. We married - I was pregnant with my son & decided not to raise him with that man. It took counseling to finally break away from him and I NEVER looked back.

    Get some counseling - it'll help you make the decision.

    I wish you the best.

     
    Old 06-15-2007, 02:30 PM   #13
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    Re: I know what to do.....just cant do it.

    First of all i would like to thank everybody for there advise and opinions. But with everyones advise I am still having a problem with just dropping the bomb and getting it over with..... I can not express how much that pisses me off!
    I am by nature a very loyal, goal orintated, confident, hardworking man....most tell me that I am very anal about my work. I am the type of person that will not do anything with out fully understanding what it is I am about to do....this is what bothers me about her! I can not, do not, and will not probably ever understand why she did the things that she did. I have given her everything!!! Love, home, clothes, food, new cars, i even took her two daughters on to raise, and loved them and raised them as i would of my own. I work very hard and the reason being is that I planned on being able to retire at a fairly young age so that my wife and i could travel and do some things before we both got to old. Obviously it was more important for her to run the short race than to run the long race.
    But I have accepted all of these things, but still cannot make the move, this is also what i do not understand! I make hard decisions every day, decisions that can effect the lively hood of my personel and myself everyday, i do not have a problem making hard decisions.....So why is this one so ****ing hard to make?! I have made all of the provisions, started my own checking account in my mothers name i am only a signer on it, ownership of the business is in my mothers name as well. My vehicle is in my name.
    She has a very good job, so her not having any income is not an issue.
    I have learned over the years not to say exactually what is on my mind the minute it pops in it, i think that comes from being in management for so many years. When somebody aggrevates you cant tell them off, you have to be more diplomatic. I wish that I could turn that part of me off, and just tell her exactually what i think.
    I have tried counseling, for some reason i have a problem telling a perfect stranger my feelings. (typing them is easier for some reason) I do not have alot of friends, because of my work schedule, but the ones i have are true friends ( except for the one that sept wih my wife).
    I do admit that the thought of being alone is a little scary, but the thought of being with her the rest of my life is scarier.
    I have scheduled an appointment next week with a laywer to go over a plan of action and to get his proffesional opinion on what he thinks the settlement of the divorce will involve.
    I feel ashamed of letting her do to me what she did on our finances, I also feel very foolish and nieve about thinking that she only slept around once. And everybody wonders why I have trust issues! Will I ever get over my trust issues? Will I ever be able to trust some one fully again? I do not think I will every be the same person I was two years ago!

     
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