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  • I'm needy and pushing him away...again

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    Old 06-14-2007, 03:21 PM   #1
    lady346
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    I'm needy and pushing him away...again

    I've been in a relationship with someone for almost 7 months now. In the beginning, I was dating several people, and the guy I ended up with...right from the start, we were complicated. I knew it, people told me, but there was something about him that made me want to choose him over everyone. It was for several reasons, even though we had arguments over nothing.
    Here we are 7 months later, and we still argue several times a week but they're over nothing, like always, and we have always bounced back. When we argue however, they are usually my fault...or, at least, he convinces me of that to the point where I truly believe him, even if at first I have a strong opinion and I speak about it.

    I've realized that I have issues, and the theme of my issues is that I'm needy or insecure in relationships and I dont know why. Ive been in love once and he left me for another girl, and this is the first relationship Ive had since then. It has been very serious, despite the arguing. But he always talks about his ex girlfriend, and she still writes him, but he shows me the emails even though I dont like to see it. He doesnt respond, or he tells her hes with me and he loves me, and says he is keeping me posted so I know everything that is going on. They were togehter for 6 years or something. I just feel like at any point he can leave me and go back to her, especially because when we get in arguements he always compares me to her and says she didnt do those things and it was never like that with their relationship.

    He is not American and I prefer that, but he tends to bash American ways so much that I wonder why he is with me. However, he is ALWAYS with me. He is (or, was) planning on moving in with me, for practical reasons because he is always here.

    So Im sure just reading this, everyone is already thinking I should get out of hte relationship because of differences or whatever. THe thing is, he has so many qualities I have always wanted in someone. Its just that there are a lot of faults as well, im just willing to look past them. With my faults, he points them out constantly. If I say anything about him, it causes another argument.

    Ive noticed with myself that I constantly need reassurance from him, or I need to hear his feelings, or we have to have a deep discussion, and it just tends to fall right when its most inconvenient for him. He can open up and tell me things like no other guy Ive known...but when I try to talk about them, it is when we're in bed, and then he gets upset because he wants to sleep. I also have some type of anxiety to the point where, if we get in an argument, I need to talk about it and solve it right then and there...otherwise i feel helpless, like my world is spinning out of control and I cant do anything. I dont know WHAT my issue is...but it happens a lot.

    The other night, he started opening up right before we went to bed..and I was happy because he is always joking and I had wanted to talk about us in future-terms, as he had brought up in teh past. I started talking about it, and he told me not now. Well I kept going. He again told me he just wanted to sleep. I then snapped that I have needs too and everything is always on his terms. He got angry and stood up and started yelling, and I started crying (as I always do...I cant help it). Well that makes things worse. He cant take my crying. I think that he thinks it is emotional blackmail, but its not- its because Im upset and I cant help it. So he started throwing things, cursing, screaming, and pointing his finger and threatening to leave. I have NEVER seen him like this. I got scared. He even threw his glasses and they broke. The whole time he was screaming at me to stop crying.
    The rest of the night is unimportant, but I couldnt stop crying, and he shut down completely and put me to bed. The next morning we both had to go to work together (we work together, in seperate jobs) and we texted each other back and forth and he said he didnt know if we were OK and that he hated himself, that he scared me and he wanted to disappear and that he was ashamed. He said he felt like a potential abuser and that he's never been like that, and his ex-gf never saw him that way (of course he had to add that).
    I found myself just wanting to fix things so much that I took the blame for everything, and the truth is, I completely believe it. If I wasn't so needy, If I could just shut up and not constantly need reassurance, if I could listen to him when he says we'll talk another time...none of this would happen. I feel emotionally unstable. Yes, he made the choice to go out of control...but I drove him there.
    Since then, we have talked about it, because I pretty much had a breakdown at home nad asked him to come over. THe thing is, we are supposed to go away for 2 months in 2 weeks. He is supposed to move in. And as of now, he can barely look me in the eye. He told me then that it was all my fault, that it was me, not him, and that there was nothing to fix. He says he doesnt know why Im so insecure, where my neediness comes from. I dont either.
    I just feel so depressed. I walk around holding back tears. WHen I see him, he looks the same. We are still supposed to be together tonight to 'hang out', but it is because I asked and he just responds 'sure'...not yeah or no, just 'sure' like he's purposely trying to sound uninterested.
    I don't know what to do. I feel panicked, because if this ends, it is all my fault and I can't keep pushing people away. I pushed my ex away and I loved him with all my heart and i still have to live with that, and it was because i was needy and wanted him around all the time.
    I have friends, I have a great job, I am a very well-educated competent person and I dont know why the rest of my life is nearly perfect, but I am a basket-case when it comes to love.

    Last edited by lady346; 06-14-2007 at 03:23 PM.

     
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    Old 06-14-2007, 05:08 PM   #2
    happymom28
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    Re: I'm needy and pushing him away...again

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by singleone24 View Post
    Here we are 7 months later, and we still argue several times a week but they're over nothing, like always, and we have always bounced back. When we argue however, they are usually my fault...or, at least, he convinces me of that to the point where I truly believe him, even if at first I have a strong opinion and I speak about it.
    7 months into a relationship is technically still the "honeymoon" period. It's pretty concerning that you argue several times a week. The other thing that is concerning is how he "convinces" you all of these arguments are your fault. He is obviously very manipulative and has done a very good job at wearing you down.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by singleone24
    Ive been in love once and he left me for another girl, and this is the first relationship Ive had since then.
    That is why you are so willing to put up with your boyfriend's behavior. You don't want to be hurt again so you are doing anything to hold onto him, even at the expense of your own well being. I can't see how any man is worth that!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by singleone24
    But he always talks about his ex girlfriend, and she still writes him, but he shows me the emails even though I dont like to see it. He doesnt respond, or he tells her hes with me and he loves me, and says he is keeping me posted so I know everything that is going on. They were togehter for 6 years or something. I just feel like at any point he can leave me and go back to her, especially because when we get in arguements he always compares me to her and says she didnt do those things and it was never like that with their relationship.
    He knows you feel insecure and uses this to make you second guess yourself and try to improve to some standard he has set for you. The more you hear about her the more you want to make him happy so he won't leave you. He knows exactly what he is doing here!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by singleone24
    So Im sure just reading this, everyone is already thinking I should get out of hte relationship because of differences or whatever.
    No, you shouldn't get out of this relationship because of "differences". You should get out of this relationship because he is manipulative and mentally abusive.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by singleone24
    THe thing is, he has so many qualities I have always wanted in someone. Its just that there are a lot of faults as well, im just willing to look past them. With my faults, he points them out constantly. If I say anything about him, it causes another argument.
    I'm sure he has his good points. But when the faults out weigh those points it's time to realize that all this crap isn't worth it. I mean, he can critique you constantly and wear down your self esteem and you are just suppose to take it. You open your mouth about anything and you are wrong and he doesn't want to hear it. Trust me, nobody is wrong all the time. It just isn't possible.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by singleone24
    The other night, he started opening up right before we went to bed..and I was happy because he is always joking and I had wanted to talk about us in future-terms, as he had brought up in teh past. I started talking about it, and he told me not now. Well I kept going. He again told me he just wanted to sleep. I then snapped that I have needs too and everything is always on his terms. He got angry and stood up and started yelling, and I started crying (as I always do...I cant help it). Well that makes things worse. He cant take my crying. I think that he thinks it is emotional blackmail, but its not- its because Im upset and I cant help it. So he started throwing things, cursing, screaming, and pointing his finger and threatening to leave. I have NEVER seen him like this. I got scared. He even threw his glasses and they broke. The whole time he was screaming at me to stop crying.
    Anybody in your position would have gotten scared. You cried because you got upset. Of course he doesn't like to see you get upset because then that could mean he is at fault for something. So naturally he is going to try to make you shut up. Now it smashing and breaking things. In time his hands will be put on you.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by singleone24
    we texted each other back and forth and he said he didnt know if we were OK and that he hated himself, that he scared me and he wanted to disappear and that he was ashamed. He said he felt like a potential abuser and that he's never been like that, and his ex-gf never saw him that way (of course he had to add that).
    I found myself just wanting to fix things so much that I took the blame for everything, and the truth is, I completely believe it. If I wasn't so needy, If I could just shut up and not constantly need reassurance, if I could listen to him when he says we'll talk another time...none of this would happen. I feel emotionally unstable. Yes, he made the choice to go out of control...but I drove him there.
    He did the whole "I'm so sorry" bit to pull you back in. You, wanting to make this relationship work, take the blame for everything. Why? You did nothing wrong! You shouldn't have to change you to make anyone happy and be with you. If he doesn't love you the way you are then he doesn't love you! The sadder thing here is you don't love you either. That's why you are putting up with this. You must know you are worth more than this.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by singleone24
    I don't know what to do. I feel panicked, because if this ends, it is all my fault and I can't keep pushing people away. I pushed my ex away and I loved him with all my heart and i still have to live with that, and it was because i was needy and wanted him around all the time.
    You didn't push your ex away! Repeat that to yourself until you believe it. He made the choice to go to another girl. I don't know why he did what he did, but I do know that nothing you could have done would have prevented it. You two just weren't meant to be. He was your first love and those are the toughest to get over.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by singleone24
    I have friends, I have a great job, I am a very well-educated competent person and I dont know why the rest of my life is nearly perfect, but I am a basket-case when it comes to love.
    My advice to you singleone, be single for a while. Be with your friends, enjoy your job and learn how to be comfortable in your own skin. Work on making yourself whole without a man first. When you are happy and truly love yourself the right man will fit right into the equation.

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 06:19 PM   #3
    prairie_dawn
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    Re: I'm needy and pushing him away...again

    I agree with everything happymom said. I would have to also agree with the fact that you need to be single for a while. jeez you have no clue how to depend on yourself or trust yourself. You need to learn to demand respect, once you do it will be easier to find men that actually respect you.

    My mom is still with her abuser. Ummm and he started out just like your boyfriend. American or not, dump him and fast. Before he start to throw things at YOU or hit YOU.

    good luck

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 08:36 PM   #4
    Seraph
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    Re: I'm needy and pushing him away...again

    Yes girl, get single again for a while and WORK on your neediness and dependency. What you have described is not good, not on your part or his. You and he were the worst possible combination, he has no patience or sensitivity, you are needy and intense. Stay single, lighten up, learn to be secure in yourself not just a reflection of some man. Also I think that if you think about it, you DO know why you are needy and dependent. I think some counelling or therapy on this may be useful, otherwise you drag the same old stuff into relationship after relationship. Cheers, Sera

     
    Old 06-16-2007, 09:17 AM   #5
    lady346
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    Re: I'm needy and pushing him away...again

    ---- new post to explain the update ----

    Last edited by lady346; 06-16-2007 at 10:15 AM.

     
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