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    Old 06-17-2007, 06:25 PM   #1
    betterdays20
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    Angry My bf is still close friends with his ex

    Hello, I'm new to this board, and hope I can get some advice from you all. Here is the situation: My boyfriend of almost 3 years still is close friends with his ex-girlfriend. This has been a sore spot in our relationship from the beginning and just in the last few months has been the subject of a lot of our arguments. They dated for about 2.5 years, but he was friends with her for a few years before they became a couple. All in all, they've been friends for about 12 years. My boyfriend is 31 now, and I'm 28. Anyways, this girl cheated on him, and after he broke it off with her, they still remained friends. I still don't understand how he can be friends with her, but he says that they will probably always be close friends because of their history together.

    We're currently in a long-distance relationship and the distance is very hard on me. We've been doing long distance now for about 7 months and I only get to see him maybe once a month, but we are looking toward the future and hopefully he will be able to move out to where I am.

    I just get so threatened by what they had together. I don't understand why he wants to remain friends with her. She calls him up every couple weeks to see what's up, or if she has a question for him. I know I shouldn't get angry about this, but I do. I told him when we started the long-distance that I didn't want him calling her, but that it would be okay if they talked when she called him. He reluctantly agreed to this, but I just recently found out that he had been returning her calls and that he had lied to me about this and had even deleted her number from his outgoing call log. This ****** me off to no end, and I really let him have it. I really ripped him a new one and said some pretty hurtful things for which I did apologize for. He apologized for lying to me and said the reason why he lied about having communicated with her is because I overreact every time her name comes up. This is true, and I will admit it. When it comes to her, I just feel like i'm second-best, even though he tells me I have nothing to worry about and that he wants to be with just me. I guess I feel like I'm not as special to him because she was his first for a lot of things. I know that this is the insecure and paranoid me talking.

    He assures me all the time that he has no feelings for her anymore but that they are just friends. She is dating someone right now as well. He tells me that he loves me and he wants to be with me, but I still find it so hard to accept their friendship. I know it sounds mean of me to say, but why can't he just put her in the past and not talk to her anymore? Of course, I have never asked this of him, but I'm sure he knows that deep down, I wouldn't complain if this happened.

    They don't hang out or anything, since she lives in a different state. I just don't like the fact that they talk on the phone. She even knows that I'm not too comfortable with them talking but she still calls him up every few weeks to say hi. I feel like this is kind of disrespectful to me.

    Lately, the stress of our long distance and the fact that we are arguing every night over his friendship with her has really taken a toll on us. I don't know what to do. I really do love him and I know he loves me, but I question whether I have the strength to overcome this hurdle.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

     
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    Old 06-17-2007, 07:57 PM   #2
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    Re: My bf is still close friends with his ex

    I can feel my blood boiling as I read this! You are very lucky his EX lives in another state...my husband's EX lives within walking distance of us! I was where you are except for they talked every single day IMing eachother. She has a BF and I know that they wouldn't screw around together. But one time when I was out of town, he went behind my back to go and be with her. Before this happened I tolerated it as no big deal...I talked to my EX husband too sometimes. But after the sneaking, we had a huge huge fight and I tolerated her IMing for a while but I finally just was so mad about the sneaking that I told him "it's her or me" so he stopped talking to her and she's finally out of our lives forever...Thank the gods! We are married now and he has not associated with her for over a year...plus it helped when he found out that the whole time they had lived together (12 years) she was having an affair with some other guy. After he found this out, he didn't really care to associate with her anymore. Amazingly it took me finding her old posts and reading them to find out that she was with someone else while they were supposedly a couple! She called the other man her "lover of 15 years"....sheeeesh...

    Last edited by ILYF; 06-17-2007 at 07:57 PM.

     
    Old 06-17-2007, 08:17 PM   #3
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    Re: My bf is still close friends with his ex

    I also know what you're dealing with. I'm in a not-so-long-distant-but-distant-enough relationship with my boyfriend. We get to see each other once a week, which is a lot more than you see your man, but his ex lives right down the street from him. A few months after we started going out, he told me about an incident where he was sleeping and she just walked into his room and sat on his bed. From then on I never trusted her. It kills me with curiosity whether or not she goes around any more, but he says she doesn't. If you guys really care about each other than it will all be ok.

    Also, my bf and I have been having this not-so-long-distant-but-distant-enough relationship for six months and we used to fight every day. After talking to some people we both realized that we were picking fights because it was easier to be mad than missing someone. It almost ended in our breaking up multiple times. Don't let some girl ruin your relationship.

    Last edited by mlswim; 06-17-2007 at 08:20 PM.

     
    Old 06-17-2007, 08:25 PM   #4
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    Re: My bf is still close friends with his ex

    I think you should be happy that he doesn't harbor negative feelings towards his ex. I think that shows a strength of character that is rare. He could be bitter and even distrustful of you because of he'd been cheated on, but he isn't. You say you don't see why he would want to be friends with someone who cheated, but you shouldn't project how you would feel on someone else.

    If they've been friends this long and still haven't gotten back together, I seriously doubt it's going to happen now. She also has a boyfriend, and is likely not looking for anything from your boyfriend beyond friendship. Why not get to know her better so that you can feel better about the situation? I personally would be really upset if my boyfriend tried to tell me who I could be friends with. I understand that you feel jealous but is it worth losing your relationship over?

     
    Old 06-17-2007, 09:48 PM   #5
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    Re: My bf is still close friends with his ex

    Well, I only talk to one of my ex's, and my bf is ok with it because my ex is now married. For both of us (me and my ex), we both feel more like we're old college buddies rather than ex's just because that's just how it feels now.

    While I completely understand why you'd be upset, I think that since she doesn't even live in the same state then I really don't think you have much to worry about. They talk on the phone sometimes, so what? It's not like they're secretly making plans to meet and do stuff behind your back.

    And I know that there have been instances where current bfs have cheated with their ex, I'm not denying that it happens. But I also know that, in my case, and in many, many other cases, it just happens that ex's are nothing more than friends just because that's how it is.

    I mean, a lot of people, at least the intelligent ones, don't get back with their ex's because they realize that it didn't work the first time so there is no reason to believe that it will work a second time. And if a person is with someone who would do that, then they're idiots anyway.

    But in this case, I really don't think you have to worry. Really, I think it's a lot less problematic than you are making it out to be.

     
    Old 06-18-2007, 03:37 AM   #6
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    Re: My bf is still close friends with his ex

    This has, I feel, become a problem mainly because you have overreacted to it. He is with you now, and clearly would never contemplate another romantic relationship with this lady. I think the reason that they have remained friends is that BOTH of them know that they were wrong to change their pre-existing friendship into a sexual one, and neither of them has carried any baggage from their fling. You make a mistake by forcing him to lie, far better to know what they are talking about than to drive it underground. Do not be so worried about this. My husband had a very close friend to whom he was like a brother and confidante long before he met me. She became godmother to our first child.

     
    Old 06-18-2007, 07:56 AM   #7
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    Re: My bf is still close friends with his ex

    It's just hard for me to accept that they still are friends because their relationship was not just a fling. It was about 2.5 years, and they were each other's "firsts" if you know what I mean. It was a big step for both of them. In addition, she was the first person he fell in love with and vice versa. Somewhere in the back of my head, I worry that if they continue communicating like the way they are, someday those old feelings will resurface and he will break up with me to be with her. Why can't I get over this? It really is so hard for me. Since I have never met this girl, I don't know what her motives are. Why does she call shen she knows that I don't like it? Does this mean she still has some lingering feelings for him, even though they are "just friends?" I found an old card she sent him on on Valentine's Day after they had broken up (but before we started dating) and the tone of it was weird. She reiterated that she was glad that they were "just friends." But to my knowledge, I don't think she's sent him any cards since we've been together.

    I'm trying to stay strong and focus on what we have now, but it's so hard, especially when we have all these miles between us.

     
    Old 06-18-2007, 08:01 AM   #8
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    Re: My bf is still close friends with his ex

    the best advice I can give you is that if you can't handle it, break up with him. You can't expect him to dump a friend that he's had for 12 years because you're "uncomfortable" with it. You're being unreasonable, especially since she doesn't live anywhere near him. What's the harm in staying in touch with a friend by telephone? She's got a new boyfriend.....she's not with your boyfriend anymore.....I'm sure if they wanted to be, they would still be together and you wouldn't even be in the picture.....have you thought of that? He's not hiding anything from you, but he will if you continue to badger him.
    ?

     
    Old 06-18-2007, 08:43 AM   #9
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    Re: My bf is still close friends with his ex

    You ask why she calls when it makes you uncomfortable. Maybe because she is not letting someone dictate who she calls or doesn't call. She owes you nothing. She's never even met you. I know you can't help how you feel, but you really can't tell someone who they can have friendships with. So what if they were each others' firsts? If I had stayed with my first love, I think I'd be pretty unhappy right now! Live in the present, forget his past, and stop making up imaginary scenarios for the future. If you're going to worry about him reconnecting with his old girlfriend, why not worry about him running off with someone he works with? Or someone he sees at the grocery store? It's really no more unreasonable, when you think about it.

    You have to trust him, otherwise it's not going to work. You should meet her and get to know her. You might even end up liking her.

     
    Old 06-18-2007, 08:48 AM   #10
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    Re: My bf is still close friends with his ex

    The thing is, he came to you as a package deal of sorts. He was already friends with her an it's not really fair to expect him to get rid of a friend he's had for many years for you. I agree with Rosequartz, you're going to have to find a way to be ok with it or dump him. Otherwise, you're going to continue making yourself and him miserable until he dumps you. You may even be forcing him back to her or on to someone else by not being more "cool" with it.

    I don't blame you for feeling uneasy, I really wouldn't be either, but if I really loved him, the bottom line is, do I trust him? And if so, then you've got to let it be, and not make it his problem. If you don't trust him, then he's not the right one for you anyway. Take a breath and take a minute to really think this through, and think about what your fits and tantrums are really accomplishing. Are they making him like her less? Are they making his friendship with her fade? Are they making him enjoy talking to you? Probably not. Time to try a different tack. I think there are some men who would get rid of her for you to make you happy, my brother didn't visit my mom on Christmas because his girlfriend didn't want him to and would have gotten mad, so there are men out there who will do whatever their girlfriend stomps her foot and demands, but he's obviously not one of them. PErhaps you're subconsciously using this as a test, "if he really loved me, he would see how upset this makes me and he'd want to make me happy, so he'd do as I ask and break off contact with her." That's a risky game to play, and so far, it's a game you're losing. So you have to decide if you can live with it or not.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 06-18-2007 at 09:02 AM.

     
    Old 06-18-2007, 10:44 AM   #11
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    Re: My bf is still close friends with his ex

    How would you feel if your bf wanted you to dump a friend you have had for 12 years? I get it, they had a relationship, they had sex, they loved eachother, etc.. The thing of it is, it is ALL past tense! He loves you and wants to be with you. If he wanted her back it would have happened by now. She has a boyfriend and lives in another state. Really, what are you worried about?

    The way I see it is you have two choices: 1) You find a way to not bring it up and start arguments and in turn start to get over it; or 2) You break up with him. It really is that simple. The only person hurting your relationship right now is you and your jealousy. Jealousy is an ugly emotion and after a while it wears very thin. If you want a future with him I advise you to work through it and let it go. After 3 years together I think that should be an easy request.

     
    Old 06-18-2007, 11:11 AM   #12
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    Re: My bf is still close friends with his ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by betterdays20 View Post
    I just recently found out that he had been returning her calls and that he had lied to me about this and had even deleted her number from his outgoing call log.
    This is the point where I would have seriously considered walking right out of there. If a man is going to lie to me in order to stay in touch with an ex then he's very clearly displaying that the trust between us is of a lower priority than his contact with his ex. Walking time, I really do think...

     
    Old 06-18-2007, 11:38 AM   #13
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    Re: My bf is still close friends with his ex

    I disagree with Layla because I think the only reason why he did that was because you overreacted in the first place. There comes a point where you have to quit being so insecure and trust that he won't go running after his ex.

    And I posted this in my previous response and I'll say it again, but most intelligent people don't go back with their ex when they know it didn't work out the first time. And truthfully the only people who do that are the ones who are desperate and can't move on because they haven't learned how. It's possible for ex's to be friends, especially as in this case where they were friends for such a long time before ever dating. It's not unusual for people to stay friends in this case.

    I mean geez, it's not like they live next door to each other and see one another every day. They live in different states! And she has a boyfriend! So for you to be freaking out about it shows your insecurity and it makes you look like you don't trust him at all. Be really careful about him perceiving that you don't trust him, because he'll get sick of it because he'll know he hasn't done anything wrong, and THAT will be the reason why he dumps you, NOT because of anything to do with wanting to get back with his ex. In other words, it will be because of you that you get dumped, not because of his feelings for her.

     
    Old 06-18-2007, 11:54 AM   #14
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    Re: My bf is still close friends with his ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
    Be really careful about him perceiving that you don't trust him, because he'll get sick of it because he'll know he hasn't done anything wrong, and THAT will be the reason why he dumps you, NOT because of anything to do with wanting to get back with his ex. In other words, it will be because of you that you get dumped, not because of his feelings for her.
    I agree with this portion of advice totally; I think often it is the insecurity displayed that causes maximum damage, far above and beyond what fuelled the insecurity in the first place.

    I really dont think the OP's bf was justified in getting deceptive though, in fact I think it was about the most stupid thing he could have done. If a person is insecure to begin with the last thing you need to do is to fuel that by lying to them, especially in order to keep contact going with an ex!

    I dont know if I'd ever be able to trust the man again; I'd be wondering what else he'd lied to me about. Once trust is trashed it's very hard to get back, especially when there's an ex lurking in the background!

    I dont think you have anything to worry about here in terms of them reawakening old feelings OP, but I do believe you have every right to make waves or even walk out on your relationship on the stregnth of the lies you've been told here. I've had that BS to deal with in the past and take it from me, the next man I catch lying; it'll be a sorry day in his mothers house.

     
    Old 06-18-2007, 12:13 PM   #15
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    Re: My bf is still close friends with his ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Laylah View Post
    I really dont think the OP's bf was justified in getting deceptive though, in fact I think it was about the most stupid thing he could have done. If a person is insecure to begin with the last thing you need to do is to fuel that by lying to them, especially in order to keep contact going with an ex!
    I agree. There is never a reason to justify a lie.

    OP, my husband is friends with one of his exes. They were friends first and have known eachother for nearly 9 years. The only difference is that my husband has never lied to me about it.

    I too don't think you have anything to worry about with your bf and his ex. Like I said in my last post, if they were interested it would have happened already. The bigger issue (which Laylah pointed out) is whether or not you can trust what he says from this point on. I'm thinking he probably learned his lesson here, but that is what I would watch rather than the ex.

     
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